Ds 23 has come back home after moving out..need help!

[lonelylou09]

So my Ds is 23 with hearing issues and on autistic spectrum. He's always kept to himself and is very quiet. My dp moved in with us over 4 years ago and at times it was a struggle as Ds isn't easy to live with. He constantly makes a mess/eats all the food/makes a lot of noise in the night ect.. basically no concept that anything he does might effect anyone else.

Last year he decided to move 200 miles away to start a new life up by my family and temporarily moved in with my dad and siblings.
Almost a year later he was still on my dad's sofa and due to a fall out between him and my sister (her boyfriend is abusive to her and he tried to protect her) he's ended up coming home for 'a week' to let things calm down.

It should be lovely to have him home for a visit but it's been hellish.
Since he was gone my dp has taken his room as his own and we've got used to sleeping apart as neither of us are good sleepers.
So we've both had no sleep since Ds return due to having to share a bed again.
My ds is showing signs of being back for a few weeks at least now as he will have to get his own place up there and can't go back to my dad's. We are both working full time so surviving on no sleep cannot continue however not sure what to do. My dp has been awake since 2am and said he can't cope anymore.
We don't have another bedroom, I don't want to ask my ds to leave, we don't have anyone nearby who one of us could stay with. Also can't ask my Ds to sleep on the sofa as it's his bed and mattress my dp was using.
Help!

If the OP can't afford to buy another bed, she can't afford a secondhand caravan.

Contact social services if you cannot cope with him there?

Hes been pushed between grandparents, your sister and your dad’s house and you’re all complaining he “drives you crazy”
How must he feel?

He needs help as a young autistic adult and your expectations of him right now are too high I think .

And yes the noise - 4am enthusiastic gaming. My dd has reduced hearing due to allergies but refuses to take antihistamines so again she shouts. I stormed up the stairs yesterday, it's not fair on us or dsd, we have work.

@jannier I didn't want him out..he wanted to leave to get his own place. He has plenty of money behind him to do so and my dad said he would help him look for work and find a place when he got there. However my Ds then got into this little friendship bubble with my sister and her boyfriend and spent all his time with them instead.
No social worker.. professional support for him has always been patchy/non existent due to funding as he got older. He hates being deaf..doesn't bother me...and he won't accept that he is on the autisic spectrum as he didn't agree with the testing that they did.

Please could people stop saying OP pushed her DS out to her dad’s - he chose to go!

@SybilWrites he could go to his dad's but he won't as he's gone a bit nuts as he's got older (conspiracy theories ect) plus it's out in the sticks and he's not planning on being home that long. His dad has offered to take him back up to my dad's area and help him with estate agents and letting ect.
He does need extra support but it's more like making phone calls on his behalf or doing research for him to point him in the right direction..it's not general day to day stuff as that has got easier as he has got older.

Keen to see if any of those dragging on the op will be a little more understanding now that it's emerged that the op faces the same challenges as her kid

You need to swap the bedrooms, get your sons excess furniture into storage. Give him the box room and get another single for the big room. Have a chat with him about using the hearing aids and how much he's waking you? Does he care or is he just oblivious? Would a letter be less confrontational, does he process stuff better with a particular approach or relating the issues to something he gets/empathises with more.
I know storage may be pricey but it's got to be cheaper than rental.....If your dp really can't cope then he's going to have to move out. There are limited solutions here and if your son doesn't have a job then he's not the one to move out as he won't be able to get a rental.

Will your DS be getting a job?

https://www.gov.uk/looking-for-work-if-disabled

Help your son look for work.

Also, his body clock sounds all messed up. If he's gaming late then turn off the WiFi.

I sympathise to some extent with the OP in that there are far too many parents who infantilise their grown adult children. OP seems sure her son can work so you need to support him in being able to support himself.

HOWEVER, your son has additional needs and perhaps some mental health issues... he probably feels as though you are prioritising your relationship over him.

Have you told him that he needs to get a job? Have you told him that you are on the verge of asking him to leave? Does he appreciate how difficult the situation is at present?

I would not ask him to leave OP. He needs support and help. If you kick him out, he will end up in a homeless shelter with all the ne'er-do-wells and (with his vulnerabilities) will be easy prey for predators.

There has to be another way. He needs your support and there is no way on this earth I'd be prioritising a "partner" over my flesh and blood in these circumstances.

@Bunce1 my dad has 7 kids in total. The youngest 3 still live at home in his 3 bed house. He's always let them have a bedroom each and took the sofa. When ds was on about moving up there my dad offered him the other sofa as a short term (few weeks) base for him to explore the areas and find a place.
It is bonkers..I've only stayed at my dad's a few times when visiting and it's always chaos. Last 2x I've gone for shorter visits and stayed in a hotel

Thinking practically I'd go one step at a time.

Sleep first.

I'd get beds at one of the big charity furniture warehouses and I'd beg friends or family to store things of ds that he can't currently use. Anything to get to a point where you're able to sleep.

Then I'd tackle the noise at night. I agree a list of rules is a good idea. Could he get something like a decibel app on his phone that flashes if he makes more than a certain amount of noise?

Once you're all sleeping I would start to think about work for him, and my first thought would be Access to Work supporting disabled people.

Can you text him rather than trying to speak to him when he can't hear? Or use a small whiteboard. Again just trying to reduce your frustration and make life a little easier.

It will get better than this 💐

You need to prioritise your DS, he obviously found it too difficult to get on by himself and it sounds like no one really was helping bar a sofa to sleep on up where he moved to.
You need to help him if you want him to move, just because you also had similar issues doesn't mean they are exactly like his and that he has the same frame of mind to cope.
In the meantime ask him to not leave his room past a certain time because at 23 he can follow that rule to help you all sleep a bit better.
If your partner can not cope then he needs to sofa surf until you have helped your son move on.
You would be beyond horrible to chuck him out.

@AintNobodyGonnaStopMyShine it's been his choice to do that. He has plenty of money saved up to have gone up there and rented a place to get off my dad's sofa. No one forced him out of here. He wanted somewhere to stay for a few weeks as he doesn't know the area at all. My dad tried to get him work and show him places but because he was only asking him for a small contribution to food whilst there he decided he was better off staying there until he's had to leave.
Now he's home again for a 'week' ..no questions asked but obviously things have changed since he's gone..as with any family when the children leave home. We've got used to a more peaceful relaxed life without constant noise and mess

My ds sounds very similar.

I think you don't actually have any real choice about this - your son needs somewhere to live and you are the only option. So you need to approach this logically and, as a pp said, step by step.

He will have to sleep in his own room. You and your dp can choose to either try to sleep together or for one of you to sleep on the sofa. if the former, you need to look at why you can't get a good night's sleep an work on that. (I sympathise, I can't sleep very well with anyone!)

As far as your ds is concerned. You do need a list of rules. He'll understand that he'll have to stick with those. My ds also used to be into gaming, but now he's working and has to get up in the morning, he doesn't do it anymore. (He sticks rigidly with rules and won't ever mess with his work hours, to the extent that he will only ever take his designated lunch hour for example). one of those rules will have to be about wearing his hearing aids - or you need to find out what his issue is about wearing them.

You and dp take turns sleeping on the sofa if you can't sleep together. That means someone get a decent sleep each night. Maybe get a comfier sofa? One of ours is actually quite nice for sleeping on.

@AuntieJoyce thank you for the first set of sensible suggestions on this post..instead of trying to run me down for being a bad mum or for valuing my relationship.
I think I need to sit down with Ds and get a straight answer to how long he thinks he will be hear for and then maybe look at getting a cheap extra bed for now in the larger room or put a single in living room.
Currently running on 10 nights with barely any sleep, my dp has been awake since 2am and texted me from the sofa saying he can't cope with no sleep and we both work full time.

Autistic adults are the group least likely to be employed.
https://www.autistica.org.uk/news/autistic-people-highest-unemployment-rates
Look for a charity in your area that helps vulnerable people find housing. They should provide him with a support worker to help him find and maintain a tenancy.
In my area , autistic adults can have an adult social care assessment from social services, which again can provide them with a support worker who will help with various challenges including making phone calls. As he is deaf this may be another qualifying factor.

A sofa bed, or a decent camping self inflating mattress, and you or DP sleep on that in the lounge, loop ear plugs are very good too.

hope you find a solution OP 💐

@Pashazade thank you. I thought we would be ok for a week but because it's happened suddenly we weren't prepared and it's probably been 6months since me and do shared a bed constantly..plus it's hot and I'm in the middle of quitting my job of 12 years so am really stressed.
My dp contributes to household bills ect so if he moved out even temporarily that would impact on me as well as him.
As for Ds in terms of noise and mess..he is generally oblivious/doesn't think/care.
It's always been an issue but I'd gotten used to it and had my own ways of coping. But it just doesn't seem to sink in however many times you explain that he can't be doing something like hoovering at 4am. He will stop and then do something similar the next day

@SmileyClare he's not been pushed everywhere at all. It's all been his decision. He went to his grandparents a few years back as it was closer to college and he was fed up with the bus time. I didn't even know he was moving out..he texted to say he was staying at his nans to get the bus to college..I assumed for the night and got home to find his room empty! His nan didn't know I didn't know. He was the same there..waking them up with his noise and making mess. He came back months later when his course finished and they were so relieved.
He chose to go and stay with my dad knowing he only had a sofa to share because he hates where we live. If it wasn't for the fall out with my sister he would still be there now.

@gogohmm excatly that! We are both self-employed with huge bills to pay so have to go to work..not easy when someone been making noise all night and then lays in half the day. Especially if they can help the situation themselves and they aren't totally unaware when you've told them repeatedly

Aw he's only 23 with special needs.

Put him in the box room and make that his room.

If he's not able to understand that he needs to be quiet at night then he's not capable of living independently. Tell him to shut up at night.

I live with autistic young men and it can be challenging, but you have to make ground rules. If he’s capable of working he’s capable of following these.
One of mine is no middle of the night cooking. If they want to make a sandwich or warm something up in the microwave, fine but do it quietly with the kitchen door closed. They use headphones after I’ve gone to bed for gaming, music etc.

Your DP might need to sleep on the sofa for the time being. Longer term, speak to SS about supported living. It doesn’t sound like DS is ready to live fully independently - and not many 23 year olds can afford to. Does he have an EHCP? This lasts till he’s 25 so there could be scope for housing and employment support in there. Time for a review?

@PermanentTemporary
Thank you for that .I didn't know about the decibel app .that could work. It's things like he will start stomping around or moving stuff or dropping stuff on the floor and it's probably really muffled to him.
I think it needs to be discussed how long he feels he will need to be here for and then we can go from there towards making room/furniture changes.
I don't want either my Ds or my dp to not be here so that wasn't what the post was about .I'm trying to find a medium where we are all ok.
I've had years of trying to get through to him about considering others and it's literally on deaf ears. I've tried talking, I've tried notes..we've tried messages.
It was easier when it was just me and him as I'd just clean all the mess and put up with the noise but it's not fair on either of us. Especially not dp when it's his home too and he pays towards the bills.