Ds 23 has come back home after moving out..need help!

[lonelylou09]

So my Ds is 23 with hearing issues and on autistic spectrum. He's always kept to himself and is very quiet. My dp moved in with us over 4 years ago and at times it was a struggle as Ds isn't easy to live with. He constantly makes a mess/eats all the food/makes a lot of noise in the night ect.. basically no concept that anything he does might effect anyone else.

Last year he decided to move 200 miles away to start a new life up by my family and temporarily moved in with my dad and siblings.
Almost a year later he was still on my dad's sofa and due to a fall out between him and my sister (her boyfriend is abusive to her and he tried to protect her) he's ended up coming home for 'a week' to let things calm down.

It should be lovely to have him home for a visit but it's been hellish.
Since he was gone my dp has taken his room as his own and we've got used to sleeping apart as neither of us are good sleepers.
So we've both had no sleep since Ds return due to having to share a bed again.
My ds is showing signs of being back for a few weeks at least now as he will have to get his own place up there and can't go back to my dad's. We are both working full time so surviving on no sleep cannot continue however not sure what to do. My dp has been awake since 2am and said he can't cope anymore.
We don't have another bedroom, I don't want to ask my ds to leave, we don't have anyone nearby who one of us could stay with. Also can't ask my Ds to sleep on the sofa as it's his bed and mattress my dp was using.
Help!

That would be easier for you obviously but not really how it works with kids especially ones with Sen. Your son should be your priority. I would look at a camp bed, ear plugs Partner moves out what ever needs to make it work and give your son the time and support he needs. Also what family chooses an abusive partner over their grandchild I hope you told them where to go. I would speak to citizens advice, housing. See what your son's options are and if he is entitled to anything.

Why is your son up all night? I'd start waking him up in the mornings and telling him to go to bed at night. He can't keep doing this as it's noisy and keeping everyone up at night. My friend had a similar issue with her adult son. Left his job because of a big operation. However he started being up all night and sleeping in the day. It made the parents so tired. She helped him get another job and it worked, he started adjusting. You need to help him get a part time job. The bed situation is simple. Get a camp bed for your partner to sleep in the living room.

@Haywirecity you have a good grasp on it. Since he's been gone we had the choice of if one of us couldn't sleep we would go in other room. Then we found we both slept better apart and it gradually became every night.
So probably not shared a bed for a full night in 6 months or so. Plus we both have different sleeping patterns..I tend to be awake later on and my dp sleeps early wakes early.

@hotelmotelpremierinn yes fair point but it was lighthearted 'hellish' not a full blown HELL.
I know people go through absolute hell and my next door neighbour is one of them and I have nothing but sympathy and admiration for her and I don't know how she copes.
However just because people have it bad doesn't mean I should not ask him to consider others as in general everyone needs to be able to get on..weather he's here..at a family members house..in work or living with someone else. He has to learn to get along

@ClairDeLaLune at no point have I said I'm not putting anyone first...this is affecting me also! Even if my dp wasn't here I would still be getting disturbed by DS bashing about making a meal at 2am or showering at 4am or leaving every light on in the house.
I'm not saying he is being asked to leave..I'm asking for sensible solutions so we are all happy as this 'week' is already nearly 2 weeks and we are both trying to run our own businesses full time

This

Ask your DP to leave not your son.

It's hard but tbh I think people really overstate how hard it is on here, and treat it like it's not an option that should ever be considered. And they also don't seem to be able to transition to treating adults living at home as just that - adults living at home. People seem to be stuck in the mentality of treating young adults that haven't moved out yet like we did when they were moving out at 18, but that's not age appropriate in my opinion. They aren't 17 year olds.

People who return to their parent's home at that age should expect it to be on different terms. So they might not be in the bedroom they grew up in if the household has moved away from that arrangement, they will need to get a job and probably contribute to the household bills to some extent, and they need to be considerate of the people they are living with. They can't act like kids.

I understand that he has autism which might affect that last point - I would stop trying to convince him of why his noise is inconsiderate, and just treat it like a house rule. He is not allowed to use things like the hoover etc when everyone else is in bed. It doesn't matter why, it's the rule.

I also agree with a PP that people aren't listening to you about his autism here. Not all autistic people are the same, some are more capable than others, and you are the one who knows him.

He sounds like he needs a home, routine, and someone to guide him which without being rude he hasn't had for the last few years. If you can't be that person (and there is no judgement intended), then you need to find someone who can be. Can you involve social services and see if you could find him a flat in assisted living where he could get the support he needs to work and live independently? Or are there any local charities that you could reach out to?

A family friend's son is 26 and autistic. She despaired of him ever being able to leave home but he now lives in an assisted flat and has a WFH job in IT which is his focus. He gets a support worker for around an hour a day who helps remind him about shopping, hygiene and tidiness, and it's enough to keep him on track. He comes home for the odd weekend but is now very anxious to get back to his own environment.

This thread is so ableist. The constant assumptions that because he is autistic he is like a child, and OP is not allowed to think about herself are disgusting.

He's 23, fully able to hold a full time job and a proven ability to live away from his mother. He deserves the respect of treating him as he is, a grown man with capabilities.
These comments are vile and offensive.

An adult child moving back home is difficult for everyone. I doubt your son is happy either now his grand plans to find work in a city and live on his own have failed.

You can try approaching this as a “house share” situation rather than child at home?

So all 3 adults agree on house rules and or a rota for the shared house.

Ds can be encouraged to be independent- buying food, cooking meals, doing his own laundry etc and contributing towards bills.

Everyone (even adults) benefit from some guidance, support or a push to get motivated at times in their lives.

He will be entitled to some benefits while job seeking and if on UC he will given an advisor to get him back into work. He will be sanctioned and money removed if he doesn’t attend regular meetings.
If he can prove he has no where suitable to live then he can access housing benefit also.

If he can afford to get his driving license this is an ideal time whilst living at home and will increase job prospects.

Unfortunately, if you have agreed he can live at home you need to make changes to accommodate him.

I have 2 sons living at home (17 and 21 years) both work but cannot afford to move out at present.
DH and I have made the front room into our bedroom and upstairs is essentially our son’s living space.
It’s not ideal and we’re overcrowded but we make it work as best we can.

@Peachy2005 he has never lived with his dad and I think that would be the last place he would go. He's very remote and my da has said in the past he already feels like he has lost his dad as he's gone so far down all these rabbit holes that you can't have a normal conversation with him. For example he won't use mobile phones because of them causing brain damage.. government listening in ect.
He's impossible to talk to. He used to spend odd weekends there but always hated it. He hates the countryside but his dad is almost off grid..middle of nowhere ect.

@Beautiful3 he's always been the same..as have I and my mum as well. Always been bad sleepers, up half the night. I had hypnotherapy years ago and it really helped so I generally sleep better now unless disturbed..by noise/light/movement/snoring ect..but then I'm awake and can't go back to sleep.

@SmileyClare I understand your situation and when we tried previously to move to a larger home my Ds said no and that he wouldn't come with us if we did so we stayed. We had the potential to swop to a 3 bed with converted building with shower in the garden and he wouldn't look at it.
He does not and won't get any help as he totally disagrees there is anything 'wrong' with him. When he had his pip assesment he had it removed because he wouldn't admit to things he struggles with.
I have made him learnt to take care of himself as he needs to and being at my dad's he has learned to do his own food shopping and budgeting ect. He has an understanding of bills and financial situations now but is also somewhat vulnerable and niave.
He is kind of in the middle of not being ok enough to be ok..but not being disabled enough to get or accept help. .. if that makes sense.

lonelylou09 · Today 06:36
@DustyLee123 there's nowhere for him to go”

At the moment there’s nowhere for your son to go. He should be your priority right now.

I hope he doesn’t realise how unwelcome he is.

when we tried previously to move to a larger home my Ds said no and that he wouldn't come with us if we did so we stayed. We had the potential to swop to a 3 bed with converted building with shower in the garden and he wouldn't look at it.

This is a real shame - is this still an option? I think he needs to be told it's the only way him living at home will work and he can't put his foot down, if so.

@sheldonia thank you!
I fully understand his issues but also am aware it's very dog eat dog out there and hard to survive. He cannot and does not want to live with me forever and wants to have his own life, his own place ect. He won't achieve this if he goes from place to place without any real steps forwards..even if he needs a push to get there.
He is perfectly capable to living alone/with someone else/ holding down a job..living a full life..but with almost background support .
As in ..'ds - have you ? DS did you? ' reminders and showing him how to do things for himself.
It's not like he's not getting help and support..we are all behind him.

@MrsSkylerWhite he is totally welcome..of course he is..but this is my home too..and my DP's home and things have changed since he decided to leave. I unfortunately am not in a situation where I can afford to leave all his room set up excatly how he left . especially when he's been gone almost a year and ignored all my requests for him to come home for a short visit..ie for birthdays/Christmas ect.
He said he would never come back as he hates the country so much.
I'm saying he needs to realise how his returns effects us and fit in with us..not us tiptoeing around him and not being able to sleep ect.
A few nights or a week fair enough..but I know my Ds and this could be months of him thinking about and saying he will do something before he does it.

@lonelylou09 I am sympathetic. It must be incredibly difficult if your son refuses to accept his diagnosis or take any outside support that may be available to him due to his difficulties.

I do agree with others in that a job is the first priority.
Regardless of his savings, no private landlord will touch him with a barge pole if he’s not in a regular secure job.

Did he leave his FT job to move away with the hope of getting work in a new area?
Will his old workplace take him back?

Perhaps FT work wasn’t sustainable for his mental health and the struggle to mask his autism all day in a busy environment is holding him back?

If he now applies for job seekers allowance ( or equivalent) he will be assessed on his capabilities for work. They may be able to appeal his PIP decision. He will possibly listen to an outside advisor more than his mother..

Despite his age I think you need to ramp up the support/ nagging whatever to get him into work. Insist he lives with you under the condition he’s job seeking, applying for work, getting his CV updated.
The job centre will help with this and can also pay for online courses to expand his skills/ experience which will improve his job prospects.

Do whatever it takes in the meantime to ensure you are all getting some undisturbed sleep. If that means one of you making a room downstairs your bedroom then so be it.

Free beds are often available on local online sites if you can collect.

Well there is nothing "wrong" with him. He's autistic, which is just a neurotype.

Perhaps you need to contact social services yourself and see if they can do an assessment. If he's disturbing your life and refusing to engage in conversation about it then I think you need some outside help.

I agree it’s worth enquiring about outside help.

Maybe I’m being soft, but his attempts to live independently, get a place and find work as he planned seem to have failed miserably.
He’s fallen out with family members, is no longer in work and is living in a place he admits he hates- his sleep patterns are all over the shop. He’s refusing to engage in life and not wearing his hearing aids is probably a way to withdraw from the world.

His confidence must have taken a huge knock. There’s no easy solution but he doesn’t sound in a good place.

Just wanted to say, if he always had a job but now finds interaction difficult and is in his room all the time maybe he is in burnout after masking and needs time to recover? Could explain odd sleep patterns and gaming too. But autistic people do tend to have different sleep patterns. Also, abilities may change so at the moment he may be finding it really overwhelming to look for job etc whereas in the past it was something he could manage. This may have even happened when he moved in with your dad as he may find change difficult.

I agree with @SybilWrites that autistic young adults need a lot more support to successfully transition into the world of living and working independently. I know you didn't have that, OP, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't.

I have a son with the same neurodiversity issues as me, and no way would I let him flounder chaotically through his twenties like I did, basically clueless about how to structure his life. I want to be very hands on as much as he needs, with a clear aim of helping him be confidently independent by the time he is in his mid to late twenties. I suspect it might take that long.

In your position I'd do everything I could to ensure I got the best possible night's sleep while sharing a bed with my partner, let DS move make into his bedroom, and spend some very focused time with him several nights a week, and at weekends, helping him plan what he wants from life and how to achieve it, with priorities being to find a job and a place to live which he can afford, in the place he wants to be. Help him budget, explain taxes, utilities etc, the advantages and disadvantages of being a lodger, a renter in shared housing, having a bedsit of his own etc. Focus on his strengths, ensure he knows how to cook some healthy dinners, knows how to balance his bank account, maybe set him up with one of those wallets systems so he can easily manage finances, and help him look for and apply for housing. Don;t put a tyime limit on this as it might panic him, but do keep him active and enthusiastic about his independent life plans.

Would people be telling OP to ask her DP to leave if he was her husband?

Or if he was DS’s dad?

DP has lived there over 4 years, he’s not some whim.

Plus, like most people, OP and her DP can’t suddenly afford two households.

and I agree with you!

I don't see why it's ablest (ablist?) to suggest that an autistic young adult needs additional support, even if he can hold down a job. Mine can, but life is more difficult and stressful for him than my other adult children, so I'm going to give him more (or a different type of) support than I give them. That's just a fact.

Husband and partner are absolutely not the same and do not have the same status or rights.