Ds 23 has come back home after moving out..need help!

[lonelylou09]

So my Ds is 23 with hearing issues and on autistic spectrum. He's always kept to himself and is very quiet. My dp moved in with us over 4 years ago and at times it was a struggle as Ds isn't easy to live with. He constantly makes a mess/eats all the food/makes a lot of noise in the night ect.. basically no concept that anything he does might effect anyone else.

Last year he decided to move 200 miles away to start a new life up by my family and temporarily moved in with my dad and siblings.
Almost a year later he was still on my dad's sofa and due to a fall out between him and my sister (her boyfriend is abusive to her and he tried to protect her) he's ended up coming home for 'a week' to let things calm down.

It should be lovely to have him home for a visit but it's been hellish.
Since he was gone my dp has taken his room as his own and we've got used to sleeping apart as neither of us are good sleepers.
So we've both had no sleep since Ds return due to having to share a bed again.
My ds is showing signs of being back for a few weeks at least now as he will have to get his own place up there and can't go back to my dad's. We are both working full time so surviving on no sleep cannot continue however not sure what to do. My dp has been awake since 2am and said he can't cope anymore.
We don't have another bedroom, I don't want to ask my ds to leave, we don't have anyone nearby who one of us could stay with. Also can't ask my Ds to sleep on the sofa as it's his bed and mattress my dp was using.
Help!

If you have a king sized bed you should be able to have your own bedding and learn to sleep near each other.
Do you use earplugs?

The priority should be your son.
He has out lived his welcome on Grandpa's sofa and he has no job.
Firstly sort out a job or training opportunity.
Then find him secure accommodation.
Maybe a caravan in the garden could suit medium term.
If he likes living near his Grandpa he might be able to find work up there and live nearby.

He will need direction from you as for one whole year he has shown he is not self motivated.
You need to make a solid effort to proritise your son until he finds work and accommodation.
Only when your son is independent will you be able to concentrate on your own life with any joy.

Your partner, if he is kind, will understand the need for your son to make the transition with great help from you.

@Tiredskin thank you. Knew I was going to get some hate but I have the exact same spectrum traits as him and although his hearing is worse than mine it really doesn't bother me being deaf or wearing hearing aids as it's all I know. I do have times where I don't want to wear them but even if I'm home I'll have them in as it makes it easier for myself and dp to actually be able to communicate.
For example my Ds came home the other day and I tried to talk to him..he said he didn't have his hearing aids in so couldn't hear me..but he wouldn't put them in and talk and instead just went upstairs and didn't come back. He makes it difficult to talk to him..that's his choice

Could you get some ear plugs in the short term?

Why should she have to wear earplugs because an inconsiderate 23yo can't be quiet in the middle of the night?

Sleeping arrangements like this are not "odd" this is what some people have to do when struggling with low wages, benefits, not enough room in the home, etc.
Buy another bed, rent a bigger home, are not the answer when you have no spare money.

Because its a relatively cheap, simple way to get some sleep while things are being sorted?

Go after him.

I thought the problem the UK is having is a labour shortage which means there are lots of infilled job vacancies about. Why can't a 23yo get one of those and start making an independent life for himself?

He hasn’t been pushed out. He chose to move out

Ok maybe my judgment is clouded by my own experience- I “chose” to move out of home at 17 shortly after my mum moved her new partner in because I didn’t have a good relationship with him and it was clear I was in the way!

For various reasons, your ds needs help transitioning to adult independence. Seek out charities and organisations who can support you in helping him.

To be blunt, there’s no point moaning and wishing he wasn’t there.

Find practical solutions to make him living at home easier and make it clear to him that he’s not a burden during this period.

Free beds are often given away on local sites such as the Nextdoor app.

Its not clear why you and dp are struggling to pay bills yet you say your son has “plenty of money behind him” despite being unemployed?

Why does she have to find the solution? Why doesn't a 23yo who wants to share a house with other people solve the problem...by being quiet. If he got a job, he'd be tired at night and go to sleep. Hoovering at 3am ffs...

@Dacadactyl at no point have I said I'm asking him or my dp to leave.
He chose to leave and then he chose to come back .giving a days notice and saying it was for a week..to let things calm down in my dad's house.
I've already told him I don't want him going back there as it's not safe..my dad won't tell sis boyf he's not allowed in the house . despite 6 police officers dragging the boy out for strangling my sister..but that is a whole other thread.
But I've shown him places to rent up there and his dad has said he will take him up there and help him with estate agents and getting him set up. However I know my Ds and he's in no rush. A few weeks at my dad's turned in to almost a year..a night at his nans turned into months...so this 'week' could be anything.
He is oblivious to other people..always has been so if I sat him down and said..look we love having you back but since you've been back neither of us has had any sleep..it wouldn't make a difference to him

Because he doesn't listen to her? I believe she's aware that's a problem.

In part the issue is that low wages aren’t enough to live on independently for young adults.

We’re in a cost of living crisis. People cannot afford the cost of living- for example a single adult on minimum wage cannot afford the rent and bills on a bed sit with the wages they are paid.

Its extremely difficult for young adults these days even without disabilities.

My son is 20, is autistic and has severe anxiety and OCD. He started university last September but wanted to remain semi local so went to one a 20 minute drive away and he lived on campus where he felt he had the best of both worlds.
My 12 yr old dd who is also autistic decided to swop rooms with him ( with permission ) as hers was tiny. Fast forward to the new year and ds was struggling to cope and has dropped out.

The old room was pretty much used as a dumping ground as we were having a major de clutter as looking to move house towards the end of the year. Ds is currently on the ( very large and comfortable ) corner couch whilst we’re sorting the room out and buying new furniture and bed. He drives me round the bend at times but he’s my son and having autism definitely affects how he’s coping.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he comes back home for good. What will you do then?

It's not just noise it's also things like having an hour long shower or leaving lights on which wakes me up as I'm very light sensitive.
Also the fact that I wear my hearing aids from say 8am til 11pm every day means my ears sometimes get sore and need a rest without anything in them

You may have to actively help your son to find accommodation. As clearly he has no intention of doing this as he was sleeping on your dads sofa . Does he even have money for a deposit?

Exactly. It's her house and she works. He doesn't work so she's going to be covering his costs. And he can't even be considerate enough not to hoover in the middle of the night.

He has to get a job and he has to start somewhere. If he worked, he'd be in a routine where he was tired at night and wouldn't get the hoover out or decide to take a shower at 3 in the morning. And it would be something to put on his cv to show that he us capable of working and holding down a job. And he'll get himself some references.
CoL crises doesn't exempt people from working.

I think you’re underestimating the impact his autism has on every area of his life.

It sounds as though op has similar issues- she struggles to sleep at night also (despite having a job) even when her son wasn’t there. So much so she and dp cannot be in the same room at night.

She actually sounds very similar to her son- sleep issues, possibly sensory issues, struggling to see things from other’s perspective, needing support from her dad in managing her son.

The “sink or swim” just get a job, get on with it approach is clearly not working with this lad.

Also, living with you should come with some basic polite behaviour expectations and conditions which your son has to meet.

Your son should have to wear his hearing aides and should have to keep his noise down at night.
He should have to apply for work every day until he is successful.
It is good practise for when he has to share a house with others or interact in a workplace with others who will assume that they can communicate.

If you do not require basic civil respect from your son, whom you say is ready to be independent, you are just enabling him to stay stunted in his social interactions, rude to his living companions and never learning the discipline that everyone needs to live as an responsible adult.

The not wearing of hearing aides is a clear defiant and rude behaviour from your son that should not be tolerated.
It is an indication that he is not trying to integrate.
Give him some tough choices and time lines.
Hearing aides in and quiet at night or you are too hard for anyone to live with and you are out.

@SmileyClare yes as I've said I moved out at 17 as my stepdad was very abusive to my mum and me. However this is not the case. My Ds is 24 in a few weeks and I've been with my dp for 4.5 years. They get on ok.. pretty much the same as myself and Ds as in he just avoids conversation or interaction with either of us as he's always been that way. So my Ds treats my dp pretty much the same as he does me.
My Ds has a good amount of money behind him because he's always worked hard and saved..and living at home til 23 just paying for food has helped. He's had various jobs and everyone who has worked with him had liked him but I know he finds interaction draining.

@TomatoSandwiches at no point have I said I'm chucking him out or thinking of it!
But also am I not allowed to have a moan and ask advice on here when he's chosen to come home for a week and then not been prepared to talk to us about anything. He's a few weeks of 24..not 14..
Obviously he comes first..but I'm running on fumes here from no sleep, trying to keep my dp happy when he also has had no sleep..meanwhile boy in room next door is oblivious and we've no idea on how long this will go on for.
My post was asking for practical advise ..not for everyone to hate on me for being the world's worst mum

I’m saying having a job doesn’t mean being able to afford to live independently.

Something like 50% of adults under 30 are now living in their parents home unable to support themselves and access the private rental market.

He needs help transitioning into adult independence. There are organisations and charities specifically for autistic adults who can help him.

”He needs to get a job” yes and undoubtedly that would improve his life, but saying that doesn’t make it happen.

A sofa bed in the living room or any other bedroom,
could that work as short term option?

But he's on the spectrum.

You don't sound very supportive!

Hang on, this is your place that you are paying for and you are in the box room while two grown men have the bigger rooms? Is that right?