Ds 23 has come back home after moving out..need help!

[lonelylou09]

So my Ds is 23 with hearing issues and on autistic spectrum. He's always kept to himself and is very quiet. My dp moved in with us over 4 years ago and at times it was a struggle as Ds isn't easy to live with. He constantly makes a mess/eats all the food/makes a lot of noise in the night ect.. basically no concept that anything he does might effect anyone else.

Last year he decided to move 200 miles away to start a new life up by my family and temporarily moved in with my dad and siblings.
Almost a year later he was still on my dad's sofa and due to a fall out between him and my sister (her boyfriend is abusive to her and he tried to protect her) he's ended up coming home for 'a week' to let things calm down.

It should be lovely to have him home for a visit but it's been hellish.
Since he was gone my dp has taken his room as his own and we've got used to sleeping apart as neither of us are good sleepers.
So we've both had no sleep since Ds return due to having to share a bed again.
My ds is showing signs of being back for a few weeks at least now as he will have to get his own place up there and can't go back to my dad's. We are both working full time so surviving on no sleep cannot continue however not sure what to do. My dp has been awake since 2am and said he can't cope anymore.
We don't have another bedroom, I don't want to ask my ds to leave, we don't have anyone nearby who one of us could stay with. Also can't ask my Ds to sleep on the sofa as it's his bed and mattress my dp was using.
Help!

What’s changed then?

Why do you think your son who has always worked hard in a full time job since leaving college and saved sensibly is now in a place where he’s sofa surfing, spending most of his time with your sister’s abusive bf, refusing to interact with you and struggling with a sleep routine?

He does need extra support but it's more like making phone calls on his behalf or doing research for him to point him in the right direction..it's not general day to day stuff as that has got easier as he has got older.

This stood out to me. Could you not just help him to get a job and find somewhere to live?

I'm in my 20s and I don't agree with the shock and outrage on here about people that age being treated like adults and expected to make changes. I don't think it is always impossible for people this age to live independently - most of my peers do even if it's in a cheaper area than they'd like. And if they DO stay with their parents, I believe they should be treated like adults, not like teenagers. The fact that they cannot afford to move out does not change the fact that they are adults. So I don't think his childhood bedroom needs to be preserved. If he is going to stay, I think he should move into the box room and his stuff should go into storage. A king sized bed would not fit into my definition of a box room, so does that mean that your rooms are quite large? Would the double be big enough to split into two so your DP and yourself could still sleep separately?

I read a lot but didn't have time to read all the comments, but I don't think it's reasonable to expect your DP to move out, especially if he's contributing to the house. Your son needs to fit into your life at his age, not the other way around.

@Zoflorabore unfortunately our sofa isn't comfortable to sleep on..and believe me I've tried. Also when you've been woken up or unable to get to sleep then it's not as simple as laying down somewhere else and nodding off straight away. If I wake up I'm awake for hours after and then have to go to work.
Before my son moved out we were looking to move to a bigger house. However rental here is horrendous so it wouldn't be an affordable solution and also doesn't stop the mess and noise.
He does not want to be back here permanently as he has always hated it here..but I know he will happily stay weeks or months while he sorts himself out..without actually doing anything about it.

Have you accessed support for your ds in the community?
Has he had a transition from school to adult services? Does he have a social worker?
He clearly needs support to live independently (as that is what it sounds like you're wanting him to do).
Sorry if this has been answered - I've not read the whole thread.

She's a bad sleeper and her partner snores. I bet there's a sizeable percentage of the uk population the same and they just struggle on the best they can. But when the opportunity lends itself to you having access to two bedrooms, life becomes easier. Now she's back to one bedroom with all the problems that brings and her son can't consider other peoples' feelings enough to stay quiet through the night. I bet he can consider getting out of his pit and emptying the fridge, though.
He's perfectly capable of getting a job and going to work. He's just choosing not to.

Also, you describe him being home as "hellish" because he's a bit noisy, eats all the food and has hour long showers. (Sounds like most neurotypical young people tbh), but I know many people with autistic children who get assaulted by them, have their house flooded and set on fire, poo smeared on the walls, cannot ever be left alone, etc, etc.
I think you need to realise that your DS living with you is not as "hellish" as it could be.

Dp or you on the sofa. Your son needs support... Not turfed out

He doesn't need a charity, he's capable of working and holding down a FT job. He's been offered help in finding a place by his dad and granddad. He chooses instead to lie in bed gaming and being a paining the arse in the middle of the night.

@SmileyClare yes in very similar to my son so I do totally understand how he struggles with conversations, social situations, making phone calls, visiting places ect..also time management and many other things.. however I do not let my issues stop me because at the end of the day..no one is paying my rent or bills .I have to go out to work .I have to interact with people to get by .I have to make myself do it.
I think I've done too much for him in the past by doing everything for him. He isn't bad enough to get extra help and support professionally so he has to learn to do things and get on by himself. He has money behind him but he needs to learn to support himself.

I certainly haven't needed my dad for help with supporting my son though...I didn't even meet my dad until a few years ago and we live 200 miles apart .he also has 6 other children!
My Ds wanted to get away and looked at other places before deciding on my dad's area (big city life) and my dad offered a sofa for a few weeks. I've actually told my dad to stop being so soft with him as he's not helping

Her son is an adult and OP is entitled to have a relationship as well, she can’t put her life on hold until he sorts out his life whenever that will take. He needs to sort out his life asap.

her son can’t consider other people’s feelings enough

That’s something many people with autism are unable to do. I suspect op has similar difficulties in this area- she has also described her sensitivity to light and sound and sleep issues.

I don’t think criticising the son and labelling him lazy and inconsiderate is helpful. It doesn’t offer any solutions.

He has always worked very hard in full time jobs and saved
So why this sudden change? It seems to be linked to his attempts to live independently and find accommodation with a view to living alone?
Hes fallen apart and almost reverted back to being a child.

Smaller steps into adulthood are needed. Not job, own home, full independence all at once. His attempts at that have failed.

Good point. He's not smearing poo up the wall so, yeah, she should be OK with him waking her up through the night so she gets no sleep which makes her feel ill although she still shlepps into work to hold down her FT job to put a roof over his head, food in his stomach and electricity in the x-box of a 24yo who's capable of working but is choosing not to.

Jeez why do so many women on here prioritise their new partners over their kids? And your son has special needs thrown into the mix. Put your son first OP.

@user1492757084 thank you for some common sense.
I think it's good that maybe we set some guidelines as he's obviously intending to be here a lot longer than he said.
It's so frustrating trying to talk to someone when they are basically ignoring you on purpose.
I wear my hearing aids from the minute I'm awake until I'm going to sleep as otherwise it's impossible for me and dp to communicate and frustrating for us both.

Clearly he can be considerate of other peoples feelings because he's got on well with people at work. She's asked him to be quiet in the night and he's ignoring her. He's clearly intelligent enough to know that a hoover makes noise.

@SmileyClare nothing has changed with my ds ..it's excatly the same as before he left.
What's changed prehaps is the home situation for us once he had left .as for any family when children fly the nest..we've spread our wings out and made use to the space and no longer have to tidy up after another person.
He is just the same ..but things at home have changed.
I told him when he left he would always have a roof over his head..but he needs to communicate and consider how what he does affects us.
I don't think I'd be being a good mum putting up with it at his age so when in future he might be living with someone else and be horrendous to live with

What do you suggest @Haywirecity ?

You've gone to some lengths criticising this lad’s attitude but not actually offered any practical advice? What would you do? Kick him up the bum?

He doesn’t need charity
All autistic adults are entitled to support from organisations who can help them get into work and access the support they need.
Somethings gone wrong in this period of his life if he has worked full time in the past.

Hes just the same

Is he? You say he used to work hard at college and then full time in a job?
Now he is unsettled and out of work, his (probably well intentioned) plans to get his own place, move to a city and find new work have failed.

That must be very depressing for him.

@aSofaNearYou nice to get a younger person's perspective on it and I know it's 100 times harder for people your age than it was 20 years ago when I was that age moving out ect.
The smaller room is just big enough for a long bed, 2 bedside tables and a chest or drawers with a small hanging rail built in.
We were going to replace the bed in my ds bedroom but have been in limbo with all his furniture ect in there since. We thought he would take a few months maybe to set himself up..he had family help the other end and he has enough money. but he hasn't so that's his choice.
I've said he will always have a roof over his head with me and my dp knows this but there are limits!

If he’s just at his granddads house not working and without a space of his own… then maybe it’s actually better he’s back at home so you can help him back on his feet.

You must be really frustrated with the living conditions though.

I don’t think think there are any easy answers, it might be a tough few months whilst you get a camp bed sorted, and start to get DS ready to move out again and be independent.

Have you considered contacting adult social care - they may be able to support him find accommodation. Perhaps he needs to live in supported accommodation before being transitioned into his own accommodation.

@hotelmotelpremierinn he doesn't receive or want any help. Hearing loss is hereditary and he was diagnosed as 'being on the autisic spectrum' but with no clear type (can't remember the exact wording) when he was 13 . However he won't accept this at all as he wouldn't accept there was anything wrong with him. This is partly due to his dad also not accepting this despite clear indication and concerns all the way through school.
The only help he did receive was extra time for exams which he wouldn't take as he hates anything that made him appear different.
If I suggested anything of the sort to him now he would probably get angry at me trying to suggest that there is anything wrong with him.
Much like the hearing loss it's something he will not accept

Why can't you listen to what the op is telling you? She's brought her son up and she knows him very well. She understands his autism and how it affects him. She's saying that what she's asking of him is not more than he can cope with.

I've told you what my advice is. Get a job. He's capable of doing that. He's saved a load of money so he's good with finances. He's been offered help by both his parents and grandparent to help him find somewhere to live. It's daunting for anyone leaving home for the first time but he's not being cast adrift. He's surrounded by supportive people. But it all starts with a job.

Kindly op - this isn't about you. This about your dp.

This is about your son. Who is a very young adult with special needs and is effectively homeless if you kick him out. It's time to be a mum again. Your dp can take to the sofa just like your son did. Problem solved.

I don’t see why you have ruled out him going to his own Dad’s to stay. I know you said the Dad has issues, conspiracy theories, remote location etc but he’s willing to have your DS and he’s willing to help him find a place to live near his grandad….if your son isn’t as keen on living there, it’s more incentive for him to sort himself out. If your DS won’t co-operate with you in wearing his hearing aids and keeping noise down at night, perhaps you can get his Dad on board with trying to impose similar house rules while he’s there.

In any case, get rid of all the extra furniture on Freecycle unless DS’s dad has space for it; he can replace it on Freecycle if he ever gets his own place. You do not have the space to be a storage facility - it’s time to start putting in some limits that are within your power. Good luck!