Ds 23 has come back home after moving out..need help!

[lonelylou09]

So my Ds is 23 with hearing issues and on autistic spectrum. He's always kept to himself and is very quiet. My dp moved in with us over 4 years ago and at times it was a struggle as Ds isn't easy to live with. He constantly makes a mess/eats all the food/makes a lot of noise in the night ect.. basically no concept that anything he does might effect anyone else.

Last year he decided to move 200 miles away to start a new life up by my family and temporarily moved in with my dad and siblings.
Almost a year later he was still on my dad's sofa and due to a fall out between him and my sister (her boyfriend is abusive to her and he tried to protect her) he's ended up coming home for 'a week' to let things calm down.

It should be lovely to have him home for a visit but it's been hellish.
Since he was gone my dp has taken his room as his own and we've got used to sleeping apart as neither of us are good sleepers.
So we've both had no sleep since Ds return due to having to share a bed again.
My ds is showing signs of being back for a few weeks at least now as he will have to get his own place up there and can't go back to my dad's. We are both working full time so surviving on no sleep cannot continue however not sure what to do. My dp has been awake since 2am and said he can't cope anymore.
We don't have another bedroom, I don't want to ask my ds to leave, we don't have anyone nearby who one of us could stay with. Also can't ask my Ds to sleep on the sofa as it's his bed and mattress my dp was using.
Help!

Hi @lonelylou09 - I had a look and if you all chip in £23 each, you can get this basic fold out bed (with mattress) delivered from Argos, which would suit your living room I think. You could all do with some sleep, some earplugs, and the decibel monitor thingy that pp mentioned upthread.

https://www.argos.co.uk/product/3916146?clickSR=slp:term:folding%20bed%20chair:1:145:2

So if she’d married him 4 years ago rather than him moving in then, what would the solution be?

That was to @PaigeMatthews

None of the issues here are to do with the status of the relationship. They are to do with how three adults can co exist in a small space. The issues would exist if the DP was the father or if DP was DH.

Op said herself it’s been a real struggle cohabiting since her dp moved in a few years ago.

It sounds as though op and her son both need a lot of space and are both up and down in the night with sleep issues and had a set up (pre dp) which worked for them both so adding another adult to the house has been and continues to be problematic.

I wondered if it was the catalyst for ds ditching his job and trying to get his own place and work elsewhere a year ago but it appears he has an amicable (?) relationship with the dp.

Some good practical suggestions on here r.e sleeping arrangements. That needs to be tackled first.
Then small steps with regards to supporting him to find work and drafting a realistic plan for his future independence.

Agree some house rules as a threesome of adults.

@hotelmotelpremierinn sorry..I meant to put comma's around the word 'wrong' as that is how he would say it ..like with finger quotes around it. I certainly don't think there's anything wrong with him ..it's just how and who is is ..but can see how the wording came out badly there

@SmileyClare thanks but things were never easy even before dp was on the scene ..I just adapted and got used to clearing up after him and being awakened ect as it was just easier than stressing myself out by nagging all the time.
Obviously when dp moved in the dynamics changed as he is quite clean and tidy and also aware of the fact that Ds wasn't a child or a teenager anymore.
Him moving in has nothing to do with ds wanting to leave. He has always wanted to live in the city and we all loved together for over 3 years before he left.

If your DP was a decent human he would take himself out of your home whilst you sort things out with your DS

This isn't happening which is why you're in this awkward situation

UPDATE...
Dp and I had a long discussion this morning albeit bleary-eyed. We agreed we would talk to ds and find out what his plans are short and long term and then go from there.
Some useful tips on setting rules and getting an extra bed so thank you for everyone who actually understood what the issue was instead of slating me for being the world's worst mum or insisting I make my dp homeless 🤣🤣

DS said his plan long-term is involving his dad's help to get a cheap house for sale in my dad's city and do it up over time.
This way he can get his foot on the property ladder and not be working to pay rent.
In the short term..he's here to stay as we all agree he cannot safely go back to my dad's house as long as sisters strangling boyfriend is still on the scene. Also the dynamics have changed in that household for him with my sister and my dad.
So we've explained to him about the noise and mess and that he needs to be considerate.. especially at night.
And as he's here to stay for a while we've luckily managed to pick up a brand new single bed and mattress this evening for £60 so have rearranged the living room for him with a room divider.
He was more than happy for that as I did suggest moving bedrooms around and he said he would rather the living room.
So a happy outcome all round.
Am now in my bed, dp is on the sofa tonight as it was a bit late to move bedding ect around and Ds is in his old room.
Thanks everyone

Your DP is an adult and he sounds like a sponger tbh

@HappiDaze oh for goods sake...why should I ask my dp to move out of our home?
We have lived together for over 4 years..it's not like he moved in yesterday.
It's his home too .he contributes to the bills ect.
So if I do what you say and get him to move out...who is then going to pay half my bills? Shall I ask my Ds? Obviously not!
I'm not in a position to afford to live alone and my dp can't just go and rent himself somewhere in peak season in a seaside town while my ds changes his mind every 5 minutes about what he wants in life...
Did I say at any point I wanted either of them to go?? No!

Autistic can mean so many things. I’m taking it in this case to mean your son needs support because otherwise he would not have spent the last year sleeping on someone’s sofa.

why on earth did you consider your child moved out? He did not have a home. He was not launched in any way. If he is capable, Your job is to get him through his education, into employment, and into his first independent housing situation. It he isn’t capable, you job is to figure out how he is going to live as a non-independent adult who needs support.

now if he actually doesn’t need any help and his autism isn’t relevant (and it might not be), then by all means tell him it is time to sink or swim. Give him a deadline to get a job and find a room to rent

if he actually needs support, then start being his advocate instead of letting him languish on someone else’s couch or complaining he wants to sleep in his own room.

@lonelylou09 glad you have got a bed for a bargain and a solution with all the adults of your houseful!

Glad you’ve made some headway op and taken some practical measures with the sleeping arrangements.

Your ds sounds as though he has some ambitious plans! He might need some guidance breaking his plan for independence into manageable steps bearing in mind it went a bit wrong the first time he tried to move out.
The main thing is he clearly wants to move forwards and isn’t particularly happy with his current situation which is motivation for him.

I love how you all came together to address your issues. Your ds is in a fortunate position of having his family supporting him to transition to independence.

I think it’ll take a bit of time for you to adjust to him living there again, and for your ds to settle in and put his mind to the future.

Your DP is an adult and he sounds like a sponger tbh

Why is he a sponger? Because he has the larger bedroom? 😄 He works full time and pays his way.

If your DP was a decent human he would take himself out of your home whilst you sort things out with your DS

Why should he make himself homeless because a 24yo man wants to cook at 2 am, hoover at 3am and shower at 4am? Would you kick your husband out if your son brought home friends for a 2am party and your husband was fed up with it. Or your daughter started to play her music full blast at 3am? Where's the lack of decency in asking someone to appreciate that you need a good night's sleep before a full day of work. He is, after all, enabling the op to keep a roof over all their heads. Unless you're expecting him to move out and continue paying half the bills?

Just ignore them, the suggestion was ludicrous.

No and i wasn't saying it was. I didnt comment on op’s situation on that particular post.

but what is damaging for many, many women is believing the absolute nonsense that partner and spouse are in anyway the same thing.

that needs addressing whenever it is spouted.

maybe the. We would stop having so many women with nothing at the end of a relationship because their partner said marriage wasnt important.

Oh, ok, you are posting about something completely different than the topic.

Glad you managed to get things sorted in the medium term. Hope things stay calm!

Actually, I was reply to you in your post where you were making up situations that are completely different to the thread.

Of course the relationship between op, her dp and adult son is relevant to this thread.

It wasn’t clear from the first few posts what the dynamics were, but it’s valid to consider relationship status when advising a mum with a partner who is struggling with some of her son’s behaviour..

None of the issues are to do with the relationship status

Rightly or wrongly, if you read “dp” on a chat forum it does indicate a less committed LTR relationship than “dh”

The fact dp is not the father can also indicate he may not have the best interests of op’s son at heart.

Op later clarified the dynamics and dp sounds accommodating and supportive of her son.
However let’s not pretend partner/husband /father are all the same interchangeable labels and of no significance when discussing problems within a family!

How is everything now @lonelylou09?

@SmileyClare sometimes, yes. But OP clarified the length of the relationship within 3h of starting the thread and still got comments like “Jeez why do so many women on here prioritise their new partners over their kids?”

And comments like this were made immediately, with no attempt to ask anything first about the length or type of relationship

”Your DP needs to move out while your son sorts himself out”

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto
Thanks for asking! So far so good.
Although Ds was downstairs making bacon and egg at midnight last night 🤣🤣
He seems happy enough with his new set up in half the living room and we all feel much better actually being able to sleep properly. It's not ideal but at least we were able to sort it out like adults and no one was made homeless 🤣