Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Ds 23 has come back home after moving out..need help!

179 replies

lonelylou09 · 24/05/2023 06:31

So my Ds is 23 with hearing issues and on autistic spectrum. He's always kept to himself and is very quiet. My dp moved in with us over 4 years ago and at times it was a struggle as Ds isn't easy to live with. He constantly makes a mess/eats all the food/makes a lot of noise in the night ect.. basically no concept that anything he does might effect anyone else.

Last year he decided to move 200 miles away to start a new life up by my family and temporarily moved in with my dad and siblings.
Almost a year later he was still on my dad's sofa and due to a fall out between him and my sister (her boyfriend is abusive to her and he tried to protect her) he's ended up coming home for 'a week' to let things calm down.

It should be lovely to have him home for a visit but it's been hellish.
Since he was gone my dp has taken his room as his own and we've got used to sleeping apart as neither of us are good sleepers.
So we've both had no sleep since Ds return due to having to share a bed again.
My ds is showing signs of being back for a few weeks at least now as he will have to get his own place up there and can't go back to my dad's. We are both working full time so surviving on no sleep cannot continue however not sure what to do. My dp has been awake since 2am and said he can't cope anymore.
We don't have another bedroom, I don't want to ask my ds to leave, we don't have anyone nearby who one of us could stay with. Also can't ask my Ds to sleep on the sofa as it's his bed and mattress my dp was using.
Help!

OP posts:
RoseRobot · 24/05/2023 06:57

Both of you being poor sleepers is not his fault. Sort out that issue separately. Take valerian or drowsy antihistamines, use ear plugs or put an 8-hour binaural beats session on you tube with ear buds in.

Help him get back on his feet. Sounds like he needs a lot of support and you just left your dad to cope with him.

GoodChat · 24/05/2023 06:59

lonelylou09 · 24/05/2023 06:48

@TeddyBeans I've always had box room as at the back of the house and just have a king-size bed and drawers in here..that's all that fits. My ds has a double in the larger room but it's rammed with all his furniture he was keeping hold of to move with.

If you can fit a king you can fit two singles

SheilaFentiman · 24/05/2023 06:59

Could any of the furniture be sold to cover the cost of a mattress for the living room?

SmirnoffIceIsNice · 24/05/2023 06:59

My DD 24 is soon to move back home after her relationship failed and I'm making her a bedroom again, even though it was repurposed for something else. She's my child and my priority, and youngsters find it very difficult to "sort themselves out" these days with the CoL crisis. Probably worse for your DS if he has hearing loss and is autistic to get a job and therefore accommodation.

It doesn't sound to me like a short term fix. His living situation at your dads was dire and will he be welcoming him back into his home if there is no spare room? Surely he's causing as much disruption there as he was at yours?

Your DP needs to take your sofa or get a blow up bed for the living room of you can't face sharing a bed together.

Im confused by your OP though because you start off saying your DS is very quiet and then go on to say he's very noisy during the night. Why the change at nighttime?

Original poster
lonelylou09 · 24/05/2023 06:59

@Ragwort as I said both myself and do are bad sleepers so we've always struggled sharing a bed. Also my ds is awake all hours and because of his hearing doesn't realise how much noise he makes. I've always had to go in and tell him off for say..hoovering his room at 3am. And I'm also dead and he wakes me with the noise so it's a lot worse for my dp.

The sleeping apart thing started gradually after ds moved out. When one of us couldn't sleep it was nice to have a proper bed to go to rather than being awake all night on the uncomfortable sofa. We found we both got better sleep apart.

OP posts:
SybilWrites · 24/05/2023 07:04

I have an autistic 24 year old son too. Mine lives with my ex. If yours is anything like mine, they need a lot of extra support. What are you doing to help him find a job? To help him be an adult? He's got nowhere else to go, so even if you don't feel like you want to look after him (which seems odd to me tbh), you don't have much choice.

I think you need to put him first tbh and you and your dp need to work out a way to share a bed again. It's not ideal, but a lot of people have to share a bed when they sleep better a lone.

Ragwort · 24/05/2023 07:04

I appreciate you prefer to sleep separately from your DP (I don't share a bedroom with my DH either) but surely now your DP has to make a choice ... either sleep on the sofa or move out. Your DS needs to be your priority.

Bunce1 · 24/05/2023 07:04

Your son slept on a sofa for a year and so did your dad. WTF am I reading? Sounds like out of sight out of mind.

SybilWrites · 24/05/2023 07:05

on the hoovering in the middle of the night stuff - write your ds a list of rules. Add to them as you need to. Your dp will need to be understanding (it doesn't sound as though either of you are) or leave.

Original poster
lonelylou09 · 24/05/2023 07:06

@Purplefoalfoot he wasn't pushed out. He's always hated where we live and wanted to move away. I understand his autism..I've lived with it for his entire life and struggle with many of the same issues..however I left home when I was 17. He is fully able to hold down a full time job and he's had plenty of support from all of us to guide him in the right direction. His hearing issues are easily sorted..he has hearing aids which he's had since 2 years old..however never wears them.

OP posts:
RabbitRabbitRabbitHouse · 24/05/2023 07:06

I feel sorry for your son. He should be your priority

LoonyLois · 24/05/2023 07:09

Could you get some ear plugs in the short term?

Original poster
lonelylou09 · 24/05/2023 07:12

@Clementineorsatsuma just because he is disabled doesn't mean he's not capable. He's held down a full time job since leaving college. I'd rather guide him to actively pursuing his life goals than enable him to veg in his room 24/7 when he's essentially an adult now.
As mentioned I also have the same hearing problems and probably the same autism as I have so many of the same issues ..but I had to get on and do things and provide for myself and my son, not wait for someone to hand everything to me.

OP posts:
AintNobodyGonnaStopMyShine · 24/05/2023 07:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GoodChat · 24/05/2023 07:14

lonelylou09 · 24/05/2023 07:12

@Clementineorsatsuma just because he is disabled doesn't mean he's not capable. He's held down a full time job since leaving college. I'd rather guide him to actively pursuing his life goals than enable him to veg in his room 24/7 when he's essentially an adult now.
As mentioned I also have the same hearing problems and probably the same autism as I have so many of the same issues ..but I had to get on and do things and provide for myself and my son, not wait for someone to hand everything to me.

But he hasn't been working for the last year?

Original poster
lonelylou09 · 24/05/2023 07:16

@RoseRobot I know that's not his fault. I've been a poor sleeper my entire life and then unfortunately my dp snores so until my Ds moved out we had many nights where one of us would be awake on the sofa.
The deal with my dad was meant to be a few weeks on the sofa to have a break from work and scope the area and view places to live and get a job. Instead he's gone there and spent all his time with my sister and her boyfriend and now they have pushed him out as they have an abusive relationship and he got involved trying to protect her.
There was no question of him not having his room back for a week or so but we didn't realise that it would affect us so much.

OP posts:
jannier · 24/05/2023 07:16

lonelylou09 · 24/05/2023 06:42

@TeddyBeans I think at his age it's time for him to start figuring things out for himself. He was only meant to be at my dad's for a few weeks but then has stayed on his sofa for almost a year. He's not looked for work or somewhere to live up there despite me repeatedly saying it wasn't fair to my dad to take his sofa for so long. My dad sleeps on the other sofa also so the kids all have their own room.

Seriously....many 30 year olds are at home because they can't afford to move out but your son is 23 and autistic and you want him out.
Does he have a social worker?

SeeYaPals · 24/05/2023 07:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

JennyJenny8675309 · 24/05/2023 07:18

So he has no job and no home to go back to. Why do you think he’ll be able to return there in a week or two? It seems like a very unstable situation and more likely that he’ll be staying with you for longer than anticipated.

AuntieJoyce · 24/05/2023 07:22

The usual types have turned up to this thread. I don’t know what it is about MN these days.

Buy an additional single bed.

All of DS’s furniture goes into storage.

You and DP move into DS’s room. One of you has the big bed, one of you has the single

DS moves into your box room for the time being

Accept that you have to fork out for an additional bed. Or as a PP suggested earplugs and antihistamines if it’s going to be short term.

gogohmm · 24/05/2023 07:23

I'm guessing those who are saying you need to prioritise your son and are critical of your dp have never lived with an autistic young adult. You do reach a point where you just can't take it anymore - I can deal with messiness, moody strops, being yelled at, rudeness etc most of the time but I am at the point where my dd needs to move out, whether that independently or with support from social services. My dd also needs to support herself financially, I'm fortunate that her dad still pays maintenance, but I'm very fortunate (she could also live with him but he wouldn't put up with the mess). Some days I just want to tell, put your plate in the dishwasher! We aren't getting any younger, it's not like living with a young adult, it's living with a moody teenager in our case, you can't compare it to a child living back with you saving for a mortgage, they never go out either, or they tag along with you

SmileyClare · 24/05/2023 07:23

Life is different for 23 year olds now than it was in your day.

Are you aware how much private rentals now cost for young lone adults?
Most are paying over 60% of their salary on rent alone, plus he needs a hefty deposit and landlords are picky- a lad in a new job with hearing difficulties and autism will be met with prejudice.

He needs support from you. Not to be made homeless in a misguided belief that he’ll stand on his own two feet. You’ve tried that and he didn’t swim, he sank.

He will be entitled to benefits if unemployed and no where to live; including housing benefit and the job centre can assist with getting into work and assess his capability for work.

Your new dp has pushed your son out by the sounds of it.
Yes he’s in his early twenties but he is still your son- take some responsibility.

Original poster
lonelylou09 · 24/05/2023 07:24

@SmirnoffIceIsNice to explain the change at night I meant he is quiet in himself but noisy in general.
He is meant to wear 2 hearing aids as I do..only he chooses not too. This makes it difficult to communicate with him and he always tries to avoid having conversations for this reason and because of the autism.
I wear my hearing aids all day everyday so it's frustrating trying to talk to him when he just won't put them in.
Also because of this he has no understanding of how much noise he makes slamming kitchen doors at 4 am ect or bouncing around doing a work out in his room.
He moved out a few years ago for a few months to his grandparents house and drove them crazy. They were up all hours of the night because of him
He knew he would be on the sofas with my dad before he went..hence it was meant to be a few weeks tops. My dad has 3 kids and 3 bedrooms and has always let the kids have Thier own rooms and been on the sofa.

OP posts:
ToBMarried24 · 24/05/2023 07:26

lonelylou09 · 24/05/2023 06:36

@DustyLee123 there's nowhere for him to go.

He can go and Kip on someone’s sofa like your disabled son has for the last year.

Put your child first.

MintJulia · 24/05/2023 07:28

DustyLee123 · 24/05/2023 06:32

Your DP needs to move out while your son sorts himself out.

This. Or why is it up to you to buy a second bed? Your dp needs to step up here. and pay for it himself.

Swipe left for the next trending thread