My Son hasn't come home

[fuckfuckfuck2021]

My son has just turned 18 this week. He is a hardworking considerate boy and I've never had to worry about where he is or what he's doing as he always lets me know.
He went to college yesterday morning and text me at 7.30 to say work had asked him to go in that night and it would be probably be a late one. He's a commis chef in a restaurant and will often get home after midnight when in work. He said he had keys and would see me later.
I went up to bed around 11pm but woke up at 4 for the toilet. The hall light was still on and his bag and shoes which he always dumps in the hallway when he gets in weren't there. I went and checked in his room and he wasn't home. I've rung and text but got no reply and I'm at a total loss what to do. He has never stayed out all night unless it's been at his dads when he was younger .
I am so scared but don't want to over react I keep telling myself he's gone out with people from work or gone to one of his colleagues house for a drink or something.
Should I ring the police or is that just silly?

Phew, glad he is ok. No you are not overreacting, the joys of being a mother🤨🤨

@LookItsMeAgain

So you rung and texted your son and when you didn't get an immediate (and I'll even accept a response within say 20 minutes) you contacted his mates to check on him, and you were going to phone the police at one point but some MNetters managed to talk you down from this.

You do realise that he's an adult now, right?

He doesn't have to run anything by you, it's nice when they do but he really doesn't have to. If he wants to stay out all night and crash on the sofa of a mate he can do that and not have to tell Mum about it or let her know?

I'm saying this as the mother of a 20yr old son who still lives at home but who I might not see from one end of the day to the next.

Why are you being so OTT?

As PP have said, no matter your age, it's curteous to let someone you're living with know if you'll be home late/ not at all to relieve them of worry. And if something does go awry, at least she'd have more of an idea of where he last was.

I thought it was recognised the adolescent male brain was not fully matured until 25.

You didn't overreact op. I have been there. Inch by inch they become more responsible. There are things I'm only just finding out 9 years later. Not big criminal things but things that make me inwardly groan.

Omg Don't we all fear the worst when grown up kids are out!! My youngest is 26 and although he doesn't live at home anymore, I always worry when he tells me he's going to a party or out with mates!!( mostly he doesn't tell me but I still worry!!)

Phew! Glad he's safe! My youngest of 4 (dd) has just turned 18 and it doesn't get any easier even when I've been through it 3 times before! It was easier with nos 2 and 3 (26 and 25 now) who often forgot to get in touch as they had lots and lots of mutual friends so could usually be tracked down.

So pleased he’s ok, OP.

Glad he's okay. I would have been exactly the same and am still on edge when ds18 at uni doesn't answer texts etc. I know they are adults blah blah blah - however some 18 year olds are more streetwise than others, go out more and are more adventurous. When they are not the above type of teenager, to go off grid without contact is unnerving. Fine but unnerving because its out of the norm. Its okay to worry and be concerned. Don't let the others who say I was living on my own since I exited the womb make you feel bad about it.

@fuckfuckfuck2021 so pleased for you, what a worry!

Because it was out of character for him the Police wouldn’t have viewed this as a waste of time to ask advice, it wouldn’t necessarily trigger any action from them and likely would just advise you and reassure you of no reported likely calls which might relate.

If he was doing this on a regular basis (unless he was vulnerable and/or a repeat misper before people pick) you wouldn’t have been criticised.

He will probably be more mindful now and you’ll hopefully worry less now.

I’m so glad he is ok. I remember those teenage years so well, all the worry. Mine are all grown up now, but I still worry. I don’t think it’s a case of being controlling, just a natural part of being a parent. In your place I think I would have been hysterical and I am a very calm person.

Glad he was OK and you didn't ring the police etc. My husband's parents did just that when he was about 20, he was home from uni (so living independently) and had gone out, went back to his mates house for drinks and they all just slept over. His phone was flat and he passed out until the next day. 9am there was a knock at the door, the police looking for him. His parents had rang the police because he didn't come home and his phone was flat. My in laws spent the night at a police station, so dramatic and embarrassing, I was very surprised the police actually went looking for a 20 year old at 4am out on a night out. The people he was out with were mid-late 20s, I think they found it rather amusing that they had a police search out looking for him.

Whatever you do though please don't put find my phone on an 18 year olds phone. He's an adult not 12, he has a right to privacy and not have you tracking his movements.

@NoResolutionsHere

My young adult children and their friends always make sure their location can be seen when they're on a night out, for their own safety. No one is monitoring it unless they don't turn up when they're meant to. Their idea, not mine.

That's fine if they ask for you to switch it on. I just find it odd and an invasion of privacy wanting to keep a tracking device on an adult.

I hope you are ok and your Son is home safe.

💐💐💐

He’s back Gilly, all safe and sound!

And for those who are saying it’s an over reaction - well you just never know, you can’t know, especially if it’s out of character.

The brother of one of DDs classmates went missing after a night out. Sadly the poor young man (I think he was only 20 or 21) had drowned. Something similar happened a while ago to the teenage child of a neighbour (took a shortcut home and slipped into the river).

I guess we can only emphasise that we will worry if they don’t get in contact or don’t show up. ‘Silly old mum will worry of I don’t drop her a text’. At least we know when something or out of character to call the police - they can advise or keep an eye out even if it’s not been very long.

I think it’s acceptable to track your kids, if they are not doing anything wrong why does there need to be a problem? You can have a family tracker and be reasonable and responsible with it and as long your not questioning them constantly about there whereabouts then in these times where you can’t go anywhere without worrying about people pulling knives out, why is it so bad for parents to be worried and want to know they are safe.

I’m 36, finished work at 1am this morning and my mom text me at 1:20 to see if I was home. We’re both nurses and she has seen some really nasty terrible shit over the years and it’s understandable now why she used to worry about my whereabouts so much.
I can’t see why people are so quick to be like oh he’s 18 it’s perfectly reasonable behaviour, no it isn’t!! Not when you still live with your parents, it’s fucking courteous to let them know if you will or will not be home. OP you were right to be worried and I would drill it into him it’s not acceptable to make you worry about him just because he’s 18 and an “adult”.
So glad he’s safe!

Ds tracks me! We had one of those family trackers when he started secondary - he even called me up today ‘mum! How’s the Hammersmith flyover…?’

We had an open conversation when he came home about letting me know he's going to be late or not coming home. I explained that he doesn't need my permission to do stuff but he does need to recognise that I will be very worried if I don't know he's not coming home. When he first started I used to wait up for him but I stopped doing that as I was exhausted I get up at 5.45 to get everything ready for everyone for the day and getting everyone up and fed before taking my younger children to breakfast club and going to work myself. I asked him how he would feel if I just didn't come home from work and he said he would be worried so I think he gets it! He has agreed that turning the find my iPhone thingy back on was a good idea and didn't actually realise that he wasn't sharing his phone location on the family group anymore.
Pp who said his colleagues just wanted to celebrate his birthday with him were spot on he was drinking vodka and tequila with them and said he got drunk pretty quickly and just didn't think to have told me he was going anywhere after work as he had every intention of coming home and just assumed I was asleep and wouldn't even know he had got home so late. Makes me wonder how often he does it 🙄He has a phone bank and usually takes it to college on work nights but he had already left when he was asked to work that night.
Fingers crossed that he takes it all on board and I'm not in the same position next weekend 🤣

@KittenKong

Ds tracks me! We had one of those family trackers when he started secondary - he even called me up today ‘mum! How’s the Hammersmith flyover…?’

I do stuff like that. Proper stalkerish 😏

@Jenhen89

Please don’t feel you have to justify yourself, OP. You didn’t do anything wrong. He may be an “adult” at 18 (yeah, right) but boys are much less mature at that age. Plus, if he lives at home then he can’t just come and go as he pleases without just letting you know out of courtesy, particularly if it’s out of character for him. I’d have been much worse than you so I think you restrained yourself very well! 😂

Glad you heard from him and that all is well x

This 👆

Great update. Glad he came home and there was nothing major going on. He sounds like a lovely son.

Thing is, I think most of us would worry about any important adult in our lives who randomly dropped off the radar, especially if it was out of character. So it stands to sense parents worry about their adult DC. I worry about my adult DC! They only moved out last year and whilst I trust that I raised independent young adults, I can't speak for the people they might come across in their lives or the many variables of life in general.

@KittenKong

Ds tracks me! We had one of those family trackers when he started secondary - he even called me up today ‘mum! How’s the Hammersmith flyover…?’

Mine too! 🙄😄

I had this with my then 18yo. He genuinely thought there was no point texting me because I'd be asleep. He's 21 now and I've always woken up to a text if he's not home since