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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

My Son hasn't come home

198 replies

fuckfuckfuck2021 · 05/02/2022 08:45

My son has just turned 18 this week. He is a hardworking considerate boy and I've never had to worry about where he is or what he's doing as he always lets me know.
He went to college yesterday morning and text me at 7.30 to say work had asked him to go in that night and it would be probably be a late one. He's a commis chef in a restaurant and will often get home after midnight when in work. He said he had keys and would see me later.
I went up to bed around 11pm but woke up at 4 for the toilet. The hall light was still on and his bag and shoes which he always dumps in the hallway when he gets in weren't there. I went and checked in his room and he wasn't home. I've rung and text but got no reply and I'm at a total loss what to do. He has never stayed out all night unless it's been at his dads when he was younger .
I am so scared but don't want to over react I keep telling myself he's gone out with people from work or gone to one of his colleagues house for a drink or something.
Should I ring the police or is that just silly?

OP posts:
GreenClock · 05/02/2022 10:02

If he was online at 3ish at least you know he’s safe. It’s inconsiderate behaviour but several young adults are like this. Just remind him to text re changes of plan in future.

TheWeeDonkey · 05/02/2022 10:02

They stress you out so much at this age mine used to pull stunts like this all the time! Say he was just going to the pub with his mates and then go AWOL until he rolled in mid day the next day 🤬
Hopefully he's just gone out with friends and then crashed at someone's house that's the most likely thing. Unfortunately if he has done he'll probably still be fast asleep.

Good luck OP, he will turn up soon

RosesAndHellebores · 05/02/2022 10:03

I feel for you op. DS was horrendous at that age, either not keeping in touch or having a flat battery. They just don't understand the worry it causes or get so immersed in new/exciting stuff and/or looking cool they just don't connect as they should.

It does get better. DS, now 27, was messaging me last night to make sure his 23 year old sister was OK. She'd gone out with friends after work because her usual Friday activity was off!

Original poster
fuckfuckfuck2021 · 05/02/2022 10:05

He has just rung me as I was about to ring the restaurant! I've told him in future to let me know! He went to a colleagues house for drinks, his phone ran out of battery and he decided to put it on charge and text me later but fell asleep on the sofa. Thanks for all your advice I hope I never have a night like this again! It's so hard when they are finding their independence and growing up. It's a strange stage an adult but still your child. I will be having a little chat with him when he gets home.
I'm also going to activate the find my iPhone again, we always had it when he was younger but he had a new phone for Christmas and hasn't turned it on as he didn't show up just my 15 year olds phone and mine.
I'm glad I didn't ring the police and relieved I didn't have to embarrass him at work too 🙈🙈

OP posts:
JustLyra · 05/02/2022 10:08

@fuckfuckfuck2021

He has just rung me as I was about to ring the restaurant! I've told him in future to let me know! He went to a colleagues house for drinks, his phone ran out of battery and he decided to put it on charge and text me later but fell asleep on the sofa. Thanks for all your advice I hope I never have a night like this again! It's so hard when they are finding their independence and growing up. It's a strange stage an adult but still your child. I will be having a little chat with him when he gets home. I'm also going to activate the find my iPhone again, we always had it when he was younger but he had a new phone for Christmas and hasn't turned it on as he didn't show up just my 15 year olds phone and mine. I'm glad I didn't ring the police and relieved I didn't have to embarrass him at work too 🙈🙈
I hope you’re going to ask him before you activate Find my iPhone.

I appreciate you’ve had a scare, but he’s 18, not 8. If he is happy to have it on then great, but if he doesn’t then that’s his right too.

GrandRapids · 05/02/2022 10:09

Excellent news. Glad all is well

Mostlyjustrunning · 05/02/2022 10:09

Thank goodness!

PeskyRooks · 05/02/2022 10:09

Thank god for that. So glad everything turned out ok Flowers

JeremyWadesBigRod · 05/02/2022 10:10

Glad you can relax now. He owes you! I'd be making use of his chef talents and telling him he is in charge of Sunday lunch tomrw.Wink

saleorbouy · 05/02/2022 10:11

I think it's just common courtesy to tell you if he's not coming home or going to be out late, just as much as if you had circumstances where you were not normally going to be home when he might expect that you would inform him.
There's no need to inform each other of your every move but unnecessary worry is preventable with a quick message.

Original poster
fuckfuckfuck2021 · 05/02/2022 10:12

@JustLyra of course I would ask him 🤣 I'm not that controlling!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/02/2022 10:12

👍

NatashaBedwouldbenice · 05/02/2022 10:13

I'm also going to activate the find my iPhone again, we always had it when he was younger but he had a new phone for Christmas and hasn't turned it on as he didn't show up just my 15 year olds phone and mine.

I think now he's 18, you need to be doing something different really. Put it this way, what adults track your movements in this way?

MrsLargeEmbodied · 05/02/2022 10:14

i have been in your shoes many many times
i am relieved when they move out so i no longer need to worry like this

no news is good news is what keeps me going

that and when last active on facebook!

JustLyra · 05/02/2022 10:15

[quote fuckfuckfuck2021]@JustLyra of course I would ask him 🤣 I'm not that controlling! [/quote]
On here people often forget that their young adult children are actually adults so you never know.

TheHoptimist · 05/02/2022 10:15

@fuckfuckfuck2021

He has just rung me as I was about to ring the restaurant! I've told him in future to let me know! He went to a colleagues house for drinks, his phone ran out of battery and he decided to put it on charge and text me later but fell asleep on the sofa. Thanks for all your advice I hope I never have a night like this again! It's so hard when they are finding their independence and growing up. It's a strange stage an adult but still your child. I will be having a little chat with him when he gets home. I'm also going to activate the find my iPhone again, we always had it when he was younger but he had a new phone for Christmas and hasn't turned it on as he didn't show up just my 15 year olds phone and mine. I'm glad I didn't ring the police and relieved I didn't have to embarrass him at work too 🙈🙈
You cant activate find my phone on the phone of another adult!
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 05/02/2022 10:17

Ah that is great. I'd say he fell asleep without realising. Glad all well.

WonderfulYou · 05/02/2022 10:20

I’m so glad he’s safe and that you were worrying for nothing.

No one blames you for worrying if it’s completely out of character for him as people do have accidents and things.

Chimchar · 05/02/2022 10:23

Phew! So glad he's called.

I'm finding it much easier now my eldest has moved out... you can't worry about them all the time or it'd kill you! I worry more when I'm waiting for them to arrive home.

Bloody grown up kids Wink

Faevern · 05/02/2022 10:24

@NatashaBedwouldbenice

I'm also going to activate the find my iPhone again, we always had it when he was younger but he had a new phone for Christmas and hasn't turned it on as he didn't show up just my 15 year olds phone and mine.

I think now he's 18, you need to be doing something different really. Put it this way, what adults track your movements in this way?

I've been amazed on here how many people track each other under the guise of I need to know how close he is to home so that I can put the tea on or similar.

@fuckfuckfuck2021 my DC's had to let me know they were safe, part of the rules while living at home. If they didn't, for whatever reason, I worried and I don't care if that makes me OTT. I once got a call from a strange mobile where my DD's phone had ran out so she asked a mate to use her phone to tell me she was staying out. Not sure my DS would have done the same, not sure he would even remember the telephone number. I don't know anyone's number bar my own Grin

LookItsMeAgain · 05/02/2022 10:25

So you rung and texted your son and when you didn't get an immediate (and I'll even accept a response within say 20 minutes) you contacted his mates to check on him, and you were going to phone the police at one point but some MNetters managed to talk you down from this.

You do realise that he's an adult now, right?

He doesn't have to run anything by you, it's nice when they do but he really doesn't have to. If he wants to stay out all night and crash on the sofa of a mate he can do that and not have to tell Mum about it or let her know?

I'm saying this as the mother of a 20yr old son who still lives at home but who I might not see from one end of the day to the next.

Scianel · 05/02/2022 10:25

I'm glad your son is safe and well, I know people are saying he's an adult but very young men can be daft especially with booze involved and you can't help worrying. Happy the see your update.

Changedmane · 05/02/2022 10:25

Glad he’s OK. I give my teens a lot of freedom as they are mature and sensible; with one rule- tell me where you are and when you will be home. They tell me and I don’t have to stay up all night worrying.

Original poster
fuckfuckfuck2021 · 05/02/2022 10:25

When I said about activating find my iPhone I didn't mean I would just do it without his permission! I've never used it to track the kids only once have I had to look on there before last night and that was when he was 13 and lost his phone! I'm a normal parent and am proud of how my kids are. I've never had to worry what they are up to because they have always been open about where they are and it's usually our house that mates crash at but of course I worry when something like this happens! I wouldn't even be able to access his phone if it was here I don't know his passcode and I don't need to!
He is a good kid who has worked hard at his college course and is aiming to be a chef. He got the job himself and has been very flexible at working whenever they need to him to. It's always hun they ring to do extra shifts and that makes me proud of him. He gets up and goes to college at 6.30am even when he's not got home from work till gone midnight.

OP posts:
KittyTail · 05/02/2022 10:26

Phew! So pleased!