My Son hasn't come home

[fuckfuckfuck2021]

My son has just turned 18 this week. He is a hardworking considerate boy and I've never had to worry about where he is or what he's doing as he always lets me know.
He went to college yesterday morning and text me at 7.30 to say work had asked him to go in that night and it would be probably be a late one. He's a commis chef in a restaurant and will often get home after midnight when in work. He said he had keys and would see me later.
I went up to bed around 11pm but woke up at 4 for the toilet. The hall light was still on and his bag and shoes which he always dumps in the hallway when he gets in weren't there. I went and checked in his room and he wasn't home. I've rung and text but got no reply and I'm at a total loss what to do. He has never stayed out all night unless it's been at his dads when he was younger .
I am so scared but don't want to over react I keep telling myself he's gone out with people from work or gone to one of his colleagues house for a drink or something.
Should I ring the police or is that just silly?

I'm glad everything is okay OP, such a worry when something like this happens.

Are you really saying that as a parent I shouldn't have been worried and just waited to see if he turned up without trying to contact him? I've never been in this situation before that's why I asked on here what other parents advise!

I think you reacted perfectly naturally. I just don't think tracking his iPhone is the best automatic response. It does need talking about though, in the same way as you would adult housemates or partners.

My son is in his mid 20's and currently back home temporarily after a relationship breakdown. I have to sit on my hands to stop myself texting him when he doesn't come home at night
DH is far more pragmatic and says if he was in trouble we'd soon be told.
It's hard to stop being an overprotective mum!

My dd fell asleep at a friends when I was expecting her home. She woke up to 56 missed calls from me / she thought this was hysterical!

You did right OP, I would have done the exact same. Don't mind some of the comments on here.

Glad he showed up!

Adult or not, you shouldn't have to be up half the night looking for clues he's alive like he checked fb at 4am.

I'd put it to him that a quick whatsapp ''going to sleep at joe's'' will save you 16 hours of wondering where he is.

Good luck with the conversation. he sounds like he'll get it.

Glad he’s safe OP!

It’s such a worry isn’t it when they get to this age.

My 21 year old worried me something silly when he was 18. He was a new driver at the time and had gone out one Saturday night. He had work the following morning so said that he wasn’t going to be home any later than 11.30. My husband was working away that weekend and our older son was visiting his girlfriend so I was alone at home with just my thoughts and worries. 11.30 came and went, as did 12.30. I didn’t want to call in case he was driving and I distracted him but finally did just after 1 and he was at a McDonalds in another town and would be home within half an hour. It was gone 4 when he eventually came home. He’d met a girl he knew from college who was very drunk and he’d been a Good Samaritan in trying to sober her up and get her home so that she wouldn’t get in trouble (she was 16 and her parents are quite old fashioned).
Probably should add that they went out on a date a few days after that and are still together over three years later but I’ll never forget how desperately worried I was that night.

Can I also point out that to those that quoted my post and made out that they didn't or even still don't agree with my view point, neither their view nor my own is wrong. It's just an opinion and this is also not AIBU so both have equal merit and show the differing ways of parenting.
I'll bow out of this discussion now but I just wanted to finish my part of the conversation on a polite and friendly note.

Enjoy your weekend everyone

You haven’t overreacted. At the moment this age group have not been through the normal “right of passage” so it’s all new to them and their parents.
My DS17.5 is the same but is more than happy to be tracked. In fact he uses it as a convenient way for me to locate him when he wants a lift rather than having to give me postcodes and directions. He goes to a lot of parties in difficult to find rural locations so using GPS is far easier.
Also I’m far less likely to text him if I know he is safe at a friends house.
It works both ways though, he uses it to find out if I’m on my way or where I am in town when he’s waiting for a lift home from school.
Most teenagers use Snapchat to locate each other so don’t seem to mind being visible. It is the norm nowadays.

You’re not ott at all OP. You know what is and isn’t in character for your son. My son is at uni and I was beside myself one day when we couldn’t get in touch with him at the time we’d set for FaceTiming. He said he’d had connection problems (I think he’d actually been asleep!)

Glad everything turned out well.

Glad it all worked out in the end and no, I don't think you're over-reacting at all. I think it's normal to worry when someone has said they'll do one thing and then don't do it - DH was out with the DSs a couple of weeks ago, specified what time they'd be back, and 2 hours later they still weren't home (past the boys' bedtimes). Tried ringing both DH and DS1's phones and neither of them answered (one was flat, the other had the ringer on silent) - I was getting pretty stirred up by the time they all walked in at 10pm!

They were apologetic but they could have saved me 2+ hours of stress just by texting me to say they would be late - they just "didn't think".

My biggest worry is not that DS is in trouble but that he socialises in a city located around a large river. A few years ago a local lad went missing and had fallen in the river. He was found a week later next to DS’s schools playing fields. I know DS can look after himself, as could the lad who drowned, but it has made me vigilant. Teenage boys have a habit of doing stupid things when out, as do girls, and I tend to judge on my own experiences unfortunately.

I think the posters who are saying OP is overreacting aren’t taking into consideration this is something so far removed from what her child does, it caused worry. It’s not about trusting them to be sensible on a night out for example, it’s about pattern spotting and when someone deviates from the norm it is a sign something isn’t right. His phone died in this case but could have easily been something more. If my other half was to say he was going to work then didn’t come home 4 hours after he should have been home I’d be worrying and trying to ring him.

You did the right thing OP. Perhaps he needs a portable charger for emergencies lol.

Yes the river thing is a worry, as is all the stabbings going on at the moment.

Glad he’s back safe OP, but fgs get him a power bank (or as pp said write your number on a bit of paper he can keep with him to use a mates phone if needs be). There’s no excuse for him not to text you then!

It's normal to worry when this happens, especially if it's apparently out of character. I don't think you can monitor him at 18, just ask him to let you know in future.

I think you'll find that if it does become a bad habit, and he always turns up safely, that you will get used to it.

I used to worry if my 18+ wasn't in by the time I went to bed but now I wouldn't worry as long as I knew she was with friends.

Glad all worked out fine. I think you handled it well. I have an 18 yr old and a 20yr old. I’m not controlling or want to know their every move but I like to know they are safe. My dd was out during the week, first time in a club in a large city centre so I was a bit apprehensive, I didn’t sleep well and she promised to text me when she got back to her friends flat. She didn’t, I was worried I messaged her at about 4am and phoned her in the morning, no answer, she messaged back all apologetic.

I did know she was back at her friends as she has snap maps and says I can check if I’m worried, which I did.

I can remember being 18 and thinking I was an adult and could do what I like but as a parent it’s a whole different ball game!

You definately did not over react. l have two older sons and it is a worry. You just need to know they are ok. 17 is still a vulnerable age, you dealt with it fine.

we had this and its awful. you have my sympathies. Its really terrifying the first few times. Now (DS is 19) I ask him to let me know if he is not coming home (he often crashes at someone's house) and my DH has him on find iphone so we can see where he is - DS knows this, and he knows why,he is fine with it, as its often the only way we can sleep at night - we see he is moving about and where he is, and know all is as it shoudl be.

I'm glad he is OK. It was perfectly natural of you to be concerned.

Have any of you ever watched Vera? Or Midsommer Murders?

Vera: so Mrs fuckfuck, weren't you concerned at all when you son did return home after his shift? Hmm? Quizically raised eyebrow?

It is appropriate to be concerned when someone doesn't follow their usual pattern.

The trouble is that at this age 'the usual pattern' is changing quickly, and our teens are not always as mindful of what is going on at home as they could be.

My ds is 19. He is away at uni, but when he comes home, he lets me know if he will be out all night. Sometimes, just a late text - I'm not coming home.
That's fine, and I try not ot be nosy about what he is up to. While showing interest in his life (Oh it is a minefield!)

But it did take us a while to get there. At 18 he was really kicking against the idea that he should let me know. Lots of reassurance that I don't need to know WHAT or WHERE (or WHO) just a text to say - I'm not coming home tonight. He got it eventually.

*didn't return home after his shift.

I'm glad he's OK. I have an 18 year old and I would have been just as worried.

When ours were in their teens it was still in the days of landline phones. We had an arranged signal for "I'm safe, all ok" , which was to let the phone ring three times then put it down. No cost.
Now they are the middle aged adults, probably more worried about elderly parents than we are about them. They still text us after long journeys to let us know they arrived safely; but nowadays we're required to do it too. In just a couple of years the grandkids will do the same.

If you still live at home, it’s only common courtesy to let a parent or older sibling know you are staying out all night with friends. Otherwise, people can get very worried.

Glad he's ok, OP. Your reaction to him not returning home was completely natural and exactly what mine would have been. So glad that he is fine. He sounds like a lovely young man.