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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

My Son hasn't come home

198 replies

fuckfuckfuck2021 · 05/02/2022 08:45

My son has just turned 18 this week. He is a hardworking considerate boy and I've never had to worry about where he is or what he's doing as he always lets me know.
He went to college yesterday morning and text me at 7.30 to say work had asked him to go in that night and it would be probably be a late one. He's a commis chef in a restaurant and will often get home after midnight when in work. He said he had keys and would see me later.
I went up to bed around 11pm but woke up at 4 for the toilet. The hall light was still on and his bag and shoes which he always dumps in the hallway when he gets in weren't there. I went and checked in his room and he wasn't home. I've rung and text but got no reply and I'm at a total loss what to do. He has never stayed out all night unless it's been at his dads when he was younger .
I am so scared but don't want to over react I keep telling myself he's gone out with people from work or gone to one of his colleagues house for a drink or something.
Should I ring the police or is that just silly?

OP posts:
UnshakenNeedsStirring · 05/02/2022 11:12

I am glad he is ok, you did the right thing OP. I have you can enjoy the rest of your day now.

Toanewstart23 · 05/02/2022 11:15

@BorderlineHappy

I'm also going to activate the find my iPhone again, we always had it when he was younger but he had a new phone for Christmas and hasn't turned it on as he didn't show up just my 15 year olds phone and mine.

Please dont do this.Hes an adult who deserves some privacy and not to have his dm helicopter parent him.

All you will do is push him away.He wont tell you anything.

But if he’s fine with it No issue whatsoever
WhiteJellycat · 05/02/2022 11:21

You haven't been OTT. This is his first. Like any first you learn from it. He is still in education and living in your house. So why not have some common courtesy and ground rules?

Dh is a adult. I dont think it would be controlling to ask him to tell me if he wasn't coming home. There are people who would worry at home.

Anyway it wasnt intentional so it's all good. Glad he is ok.

Reviewer123456 · 05/02/2022 11:23

I have a son, nearly 18 and you have not been OTT at all, I would have done the same as you. A lot of parents use the find my phone app, I don’t see the issue with it.

WomblingWilma · 05/02/2022 11:23

Christ. I can’t imagine why anyone would say you shouldn’t have been worried or try to contact himHmm. How ridiculous! I think some people like to be contrary either that or they’ve showed themselves to not care about other people in their life.

As PP have said I’d have been concerned if DH (age 53) or any other adult hadn’t come home without saying anything. DD did this once when she was about 20 and the fear that went through me when I saw her bed empty in the morning was awful. Phone off as well as battery had gone. I was just about to call the police when she rocked up very apologetic and she never did it again without texting me. I got h

Glad he’s safe OP. Don’t listen to the idiot on here saying you were overreacting.

whatnumber · 05/02/2022 11:24

I only came back on mumsnet to check your son was ok!
It's natural to worry - your his mum!

Reviewer123456 · 05/02/2022 11:26

@WomblingWilma

Christ. I can’t imagine why anyone would say you shouldn’t have been worried or try to contact himHmm. How ridiculous! I think some people like to be contrary either that or they’ve showed themselves to not care about other people in their life.

As PP have said I’d have been concerned if DH (age 53) or any other adult hadn’t come home without saying anything. DD did this once when she was about 20 and the fear that went through me when I saw her bed empty in the morning was awful. Phone off as well as battery had gone. I was just about to call the police when she rocked up very apologetic and she never did it again without texting me. I got h

Glad he’s safe OP. Don’t listen to the idiot on here saying you were overreacting.

Spot on!
WomblingWilma · 05/02/2022 11:27

Going to add that I got DS and DS to write my number down on a small bit of paper and put it in their purse/wallet after that so if their battery went they could text me from some else’s phone if they were staying out.

Summerofcontent · 05/02/2022 11:28

[quote LookItsMeAgain]@fuckfuckfuck2021 - Are you really saying that as a parent I shouldn't have been worried and just waited to see if he turned up without trying to contact him?
Yes, I'm saying that you should have just waited to see if he returned home without trying to contact him.
It's called letting him be an adult.
When he got home, you can certainly have a conversation with him when he gets home reminding him that if he stays out all night (planned or unplanned) to send you a quick text message before he nods off but I think, by contacting his mates, that you did panic and you did over react here.[/quote]
So at what point should she have tried to contact him? Phoned the police?

8 hours for an 18 year old who has never gone awol before?
12 hours?
24 hours?
A week?

Where is the line drawn between out with friends and missing?

Washermother33 · 05/02/2022 11:29

I just came back on to check your son was ok . There are too many stories of kids that aren’t and I don’t think you over reacted at all … ignore any daft comments … some people don’t have enough imagination

Mo1911 · 05/02/2022 11:31

Thank goodness OP. You've handled it brilliantly, I'm not sure that I'd have lasted without phoning the police as long as you did 😄

Enjoy the relief, it's been a long tough night!

TillyTopper · 05/02/2022 11:31

So pleased he's turned up OP! I know it feels awful the first time it happens (I have two 20 year old DS). I always say to them I don't want to know what you're doing, just that you're ok. They usually let me know where they are or at least that they are ok as they know I worry.

NotQuiteHere · 05/02/2022 11:41

You did everything right

LookItsMeAgain · 05/02/2022 11:45

@Summerofcontent - I'd say if he hadn't made contact by lunchtime today, that would be time enough to start phoning around his friends and starting the communications to his workplace and whomever else needs to be contacted.
That would allow an adult teenager, to wake up and have something to eat and then make their way to work and realise that they need to phone him to let them know that everything is ok.
This particular poster mentioned that at 4am she started contacting her son. At 8:30am on a Saturday (when most teenagers and young adults would be rolling over for at least another hour of sleep) she started contacting her son's friends.

I just think it was a little early considering it is a weekend and many would have a bit of a lie on.

Oh and @WomblingWilma - if that comment you made was made in my general direction
Christ. I can’t imagine why anyone would say you shouldn’t have been worried or try to contact him. How ridiculous! I think some people like to be contrary either that or they’ve showed themselves to not care about other people in their life.
I do care very deeply about where my son goes and who he is with but I also trust him to be sensible and it works for us. Oh and I'm not contrary either but thanks for your comment.

lovelygreenplants · 05/02/2022 11:47

Must of being so worrying for you OP, you absolutely took the right approach which was sensible and rational. Go and put the kettle on a take a big deep breath. Go easy on yourself today xx

User0458832 · 05/02/2022 11:48

DS used to do this and it is a worry but when he went to university it didn't bother me at all though, he could have been out anywhere, it was like 'out of sight, out of mind' but when he came home at holidays this irrational worry would start again if he didn't come home at night. Glad all turned out OK.

Jenhen89 · 05/02/2022 11:51

Please don’t feel you have to justify yourself, OP. You didn’t do anything wrong. He may be an “adult” at 18 (yeah, right) but boys are much less mature at that age. Plus, if he lives at home then he can’t just come and go as he pleases without just letting you know out of courtesy, particularly if it’s out of character for him. I’d have been much worse than you so I think you restrained yourself very well! 😂

Glad you heard from him and that all is well x

Babyroobs · 05/02/2022 11:53

My son ( who is slightly older than yours ) has started doing this. he works late then goes to some work mates house for drinks and doesn't return .
I understand your worry though. I have four between the ages of 16- 22 and never stop worrying.

kickupafuss · 05/02/2022 11:54

You did everything right op. Not overreacting at all.

ExtraPlinky · 05/02/2022 11:55

Glad he's ok, I came back to check too! You were definitely not overrating love x

ExtraPlinky · 05/02/2022 11:55

*over reacting I meant to type

bumblefeline · 05/02/2022 11:56

Glad your son is ok OP. I would be worried as well. Never sleep properly till I know dd is home safe.

Summerofcontent · 05/02/2022 11:59

@LookItsMeAgain I'm pleased you would contact at some point. Your post sounded like you wouldn't contact at all.

I do also think it's easy for those of us who have been there to say don't panic, when you're going through it for the first time it's different.

OP
Mine have all left home now but I used to look at the apps they used which show a looked at time. That lets you know they're still alive and you then have to trust from there.

When they were young adults we had a family chat and I used to ask who wanted tea?
That gave me an idea of who was doing what

Hdhr8jsj · 05/02/2022 12:02

You didn't over react at all. My 19 year old puts his location on for me when he goes out for the night and I put mine on when I'm out!

It's a safe thing. We just want to know each other is safe - neither of us care where the other is we just like to see that we are in a house/flat/club/pub.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 05/02/2022 12:05

It’s a huge worry when they don’t come home and you don’t hear from … this used to drive me mad with one of mine.

The one and only benefit of lockdown was her being indoors Grin.