My Son hasn't come home

[fuckfuckfuck2021]

My son has just turned 18 this week. He is a hardworking considerate boy and I've never had to worry about where he is or what he's doing as he always lets me know.
He went to college yesterday morning and text me at 7.30 to say work had asked him to go in that night and it would be probably be a late one. He's a commis chef in a restaurant and will often get home after midnight when in work. He said he had keys and would see me later.
I went up to bed around 11pm but woke up at 4 for the toilet. The hall light was still on and his bag and shoes which he always dumps in the hallway when he gets in weren't there. I went and checked in his room and he wasn't home. I've rung and text but got no reply and I'm at a total loss what to do. He has never stayed out all night unless it's been at his dads when he was younger .
I am so scared but don't want to over react I keep telling myself he's gone out with people from work or gone to one of his colleagues house for a drink or something.
Should I ring the police or is that just silly?

You’re a good mum.

18yrs old is, like you say, a weird limbo of adult and child. 18yr olds (esp males) are wired to enjoy thrill seeking behaviour & we know they do t always think through decisions made in the moment as long term consequences. You were right to be worried if it is out of character for him.

Glad he’s home x

Glad he is safe and sound OP.

Makes me so glad that my DS1 and DS2 (3&2 haha) are sat on the sofa bedside me watching tractor ted, I dread the days when they can actually leave the house without me.

@LookItsMeAgain I don't contact his mates till 8.30 this morning 🙄 and only his 2 best mates not his whole Facebook friends list. I also text his dad 🤦🏻‍♀️ I text him at 4 am asking where he was and rang his phone at 4.30 am which rang but I got no answer. I honestly don't think I've been ott at all. I rang again at 8am and left a message telling him I was worried and to ring me when he wakes up. I tried him again at 9.30.
Are you really saying that as a parent I shouldn't have been worried and just waited to see if he turned up without trying to contact him? I've never been in this situation before that's why I asked on here what other parents advise!

You handled it perfectly fine OP, it's a tricky age and the worry doesn't end just because they turn 18!

i wouldnt suggest police op.

or mumsnet tbh
although you like to have validation for your worries of course

he should have course have told you he wasnt coming home but he didnt
all is well now.

I'm so he's ok.

You didn't over react at all.

He had good intentions of texting you to tell you, so I'm not even sure there's a conversation to be had there, except maybe to ask to borrow a friends phone to text you.

Of course you didn’t overreact op.
You’d be wondering if it was any adult you lived with who’d failed to return home when expected with no communication.
We’ve all read awful stories about people who get extremely drunk and try to sleep on a park bench or similar in freezing temperatures.
Drink spiking is a real danger atm, It’s not just a media obsession, it’s happening. If my 18yo didn’t return home I’d be expecting communication, and would be very worried if there wasn’t any.
Did anyone read about the 18 year old just a few weeks back who was kidnapped from outside a club? Her family raised the alarm very quickly, and luckily the police were right on it.

@fuckfuckfuck2021 - Are you really saying that as a parent I shouldn't have been worried and just waited to see if he turned up without trying to contact him?
Yes, I'm saying that you should have just waited to see if he returned home without trying to contact him.
It's called letting him be an adult.
When he got home, you can certainly have a conversation with him when he gets home reminding him that if he stays out all night (planned or unplanned) to send you a quick text message before he nods off but I think, by contacting his mates, that you did panic and you did over react here.

WRT the police, just to add, there is no minimum time limit to report someone missing.

Let's say you always get home at 5.30pm but it's now 7.00pm and no sign of you. Work say you left at the normal time, you're not answering your phone, no delays on your usual route, no sign of your car broken down, no relationship issues that mean you might be avoiding home etc then the Police would be sufficiently concerned.

[quote LookItsMeAgain]@fuckfuckfuck2021 - Are you really saying that as a parent I shouldn't have been worried and just waited to see if he turned up without trying to contact him?
Yes, I'm saying that you should have just waited to see if he returned home without trying to contact him.
It's called letting him be an adult.
When he got home, you can certainly have a conversation with him when he gets home reminding him that if he stays out all night (planned or unplanned) to send you a quick text message before he nods off but I think, by contacting his mates, that you did panic and you did over react here.[/quote]
I think there’s degrees of this. First time you worry more, then you start to get more used to it! The OP reacted and behaved perfectly normally IMO.

[quote LookItsMeAgain]@fuckfuckfuck2021 - Are you really saying that as a parent I shouldn't have been worried and just waited to see if he turned up without trying to contact him?
Yes, I'm saying that you should have just waited to see if he returned home without trying to contact him.
It's called letting him be an adult.
When he got home, you can certainly have a conversation with him when he gets home reminding him that if he stays out all night (planned or unplanned) to send you a quick text message before he nods off but I think, by contacting his mates, that you did panic and you did over react here.[/quote]
Dont agree with this view at all. .

OP you sound like a lovely mum and I am glad he is safe.

It’s fine op, it’s a strange time when they are just an adult. Any massive change in behaviour by anyone means it can be a worry.

There have been many a my husband has been out all night and I can’t find him threads over the years and they are always met with sympathy. But if it’s a child and they have hit that magic 18 adult button it’s seen as interfering by many.

That letting go - for want of a better expression - it happens in degrees not just overnight when they turn 18. It takes some navigating.

Glad he’s ok OP.
My son’s 15 and I’m dreading this already. Talk about learning on the job!

You have not been OTT at all, just a loving mum 💐
Hopefully he will learn to let you know in future.

I don't think you sound OTT at all. I started worrying when I read your first post and it's not my child

I have been there with my Son, he’s now 25, but I always worry when he’s out. Unfortunately it’s when he goes out after work and phone dies, that there’s a problem.

I’m glad he’s OK, and I don’t think you overreacted at all.

I would have been really worried too OP. I have had this and got the other son to call and message his friends it happened because the damn phone ran out of charge but now if that happens they use another friend's phone to call /message me.

Oh I'm glad he's ok OP. My eldest is at uni but when he's home I hate it when he's in a night out and can't sleep properly until I know he's home safe. My mum used to say that with my brothers she never really dropped off properly until she knew they were in, especially when they had motorbikes or started driving

I don't think there's any harm in having basic rules when they live at home, no matter how old they are. Hopefully he'll realise how worried you were and make more of an effort next time! Like a poster said earlier, waking up to a text saying they've gone to a Kate's house is so much better than waking up and realising they haven't come home.

Thank you for the reassurance many posters have been so kind and helped put my mind at ease :)

OP I don't think you over reacted or are controlling.as far as you knew he was coming home and didn't

I'm also going to activate the find my iPhone again, we always had it when he was younger but he had a new phone for Christmas and hasn't turned it on as he didn't show up just my 15 year olds phone and mine.

Please dont do this.Hes an adult who deserves some privacy and not to have his dm helicopter parent him.

All you will do is push him away.He wont tell you anything.

I don’t think you’ve been OTT. I would have been worried and probably contacted a couple of friends. Equally I would have been worried if my OH had gone out all night and I didn’t know where he was, which is another thing that some MNers are super cool and unworried about. We’re all different.

We’ve all read countless horror stories about people who have sadly come to harm of one type or another. It’s ok to want to check that a loved one is safe. Friends receiving a worried phone call or text is no great imposition.

OP's not being over the top at all, of course she'd be worried if her son didn't come home unexpectedly! Your son sounds lovely so I'm sure he'll make sure he tells you in the future, although I'm also sure there will be an odd time where he forgets.

When I was living at home I would tell my parents that I would be back late, and I would always text if I wasn't coming home. I left home at 18 and came back at 22, and lived there until I was 26 when I moved in with my boyfriend. Of course, when I was at university I didn't do this - but I wasn't living in their house. It's normal to worry about people you love, me and my husband also let each other know if we're going to be out later than expected.