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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Adult son is a serial cheat

279 replies

whattodoforthebest2 · 14/08/2020 04:37

My son is 28, he has a good job and his own flat. We have a good relationship, except for the fact that he habitually cheats on every girlfriend he has ever had. His dad and I separated when he was 15, he has a good relationship with his father but his dad and I are no contact. My son has had a succession of 2-4 year long relationships, always with lovely girlfriends, not only stunning looking but polite, respectful, friendly and trusting girls.

He is due to go on holiday with his gf of 2 years on Saturday. This evening he has asked to stay at mine as he was seeing some mates locally. At 3am I'm woken by him coming upstairs and I go and find my living room and kitchen full of boys drinking. My son isn't there. So I find him in his room in bed with a girl having sex.

This isn't the first time I'm aware that he's cheated on this gf, but she's a lovely girl and I can't stand by and watch this happen.

So what do I do now? My instinct is to contact her via fb and ask her to call me and tell her, either on the phone or in person.

OP posts:
julybaby32 · 14/08/2020 20:29

Just as a precaution, and not just as a precaution against your son either.

giletrouge · 14/08/2020 20:41

OP you are a good woman. I'm so sorry your son has lost his way. May he find it again. You, though, have kept to the way of goodness. The gf recognises that you've been good to her. Sorry I'm a bit pissed, not sure I'm making sense, but been following your thread all day. Kudos to you as a good mum.

Bluntness100 · 14/08/2020 20:44

So he’s a liar and was trying to get in there with his story first? Nice.

pollylocketpickedapocket · 14/08/2020 20:56

@Bluntness100

Well done in telling her and putting a stop to him making you collude in this.

I have to be honest,I don’t know what appals me more. Him cheating on his partner or a grown ass twenty eight year old man shagging a seventeen year old in his mother’s house whilst his mates were getting pissed in the next room.

I think I actually think it’s the latter. The disrespect is massive. For you and for his girlfriend.

Do we actually know she's 17? Op has a 28 year old son, as you get older people look younger.
pollylocketpickedapocket · 14/08/2020 20:58

@Defenbaker

OP, your son seems to have all the hallmarks of a psychopath -- the total lack of moral compass or empathy, the poor treatment of women and the total disrespect for you and your home. You mention that his father and grandfather also treat women badly, which makes me wonder if he inherited the "psychopath gene" (for want of a better phrase) from them.

From what I know of such personality types (we have one in our family), they cannot be cured, they go through life taking advantage of others and feel no remorse about any pain they cause people. It must be incredibly hard for you, as you've clearly done your best but it seems unlikely you will get through to him. The coke may be making his behaviour worse (especially if he's addicted), but if you think back to your son's childhood there may well be clues which indicate he was just born that way. None of this is your fault, you have tried to put him on the right path and he is old enough to stand on his own and bear the consequences of his behaviour. I think it's time to protect yourself and your other children from his awful behaviour, and if that means barring him from your home then do it. You can remain in contact with him, but make it clear that your home is out of bounds as he has abused it too many times. Be firm that you don't want to witness any more of his poor treatment of women and you will not lie for him or remain silent to cover up for him.

The maternal love can't be cancelled out, no matter how badly he behaves you can't help caring about him, but he is not a child any more and you can't let this selfish man take advantage of you any longer.

Psychopath?? For cheating??? Get a grip.
bringbacksideburns · 14/08/2020 21:17

You did the right thing OP.
Must have been bloody hard but she sounds like a lovely girl who deserves better.

He's never going to involve you again now so will have to stand on his own two feet in future.

didyouchoosetogoabroad · 14/08/2020 21:19

@defenbaker that is hogwash. Was the member of your family diagnosed by a psychiatrist? There is nothing to suggest it is relevant here, but children who have psychopathic symptoms can be helped.

AllsortsofAwkward · 14/08/2020 21:20

Well done op a hard conversation but it will save the girl a tone of future heartbreak.

MusicTeacherSussex · 14/08/2020 21:25

Thank god you called her. I was lied to by the mother of a cheater and it was humiliating. Save the lass any more hurt. You are a good person.

RoseTintedAtuin · 14/08/2020 21:39

Well done OP! Sounds like you both dealt with the situation with dignity and class.

Defenbaker · 14/08/2020 21:41

@pollylocketpickedapocket No, of course cheating, by itself, does not mean that someone is a psychopath. However, reading through all the OP's posts her son has a pattern of behaviour that seems to indicate a complete lack of empathy and no moral compass - these are two indicators of a psychopath.

Pychopaths often manipulate their family and loved ones, and are very adept at lying when it suits them. They also lack self awareness and often see no problem with their hurtful behaviour. Again, these things were mentioned by the OP, so I put forward my thoughts, to encourage her to think about her own happiness and mental health, as it seems that her son is not likely to do that.

Defenbaker · 14/08/2020 21:53

OP, you did a brave and kind thing, letting the GF know. So many people would take the easy way out and say nothing, in this type of situation.

JaffaJaffJaffpussycatpuss · 14/08/2020 23:02

That was very brave and good of you, OP. Although it worked well, you could not have controlled her reaction.
I hope your DS learns his lesson, but if he doesn't it won't be for the lack of your efforts.

GabsAlot · 14/08/2020 23:59

good for you op i hope he doesnt carry on lieing about it-he had his chance

is she the type to buy his lies do you think

IncandescentSilver · 15/08/2020 00:00

I suggested upthread that there might be a genetic link too and was equally challenged by a few posters. But I was thinking psycopath as well, due to the lack of boundaries and conscience.

Of course, if you say psychopath, people think about axe murderers, whereas most psychopaths are high functioning ones, acting as managers, surgeons, lawyers and everything else .

So people tend to use the term narcissist, which is one element of psychopathy.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/08/2020 01:34

Thank you for telling his gf. A lot of women are thanking you for your honesty.

If this young woman he brought back was genuinely upset, that is even worse as it would mean he potentially took advantage of her in an emotional state. I hope this was an excuse rather than reality.

mathanxiety · 15/08/2020 04:56

Flowers to you, @whattodoforthebest2.

You did the right thing and it took courage.

Please do not back down on the therapy idea. Of course he doesn't want to talk to someone about his behaviour. That would be too close to admitting it is a problem, and he is having far too much fun thinking of himself as the clever player with women and possibly teenage girls featuring in his narrative as fools he can disrespect, manipulate, and use.

You might consider making a future relationship contingent on his engagement with therapy.

The fact that he lies, that he rifled through your personal papers, that the lie he told his (now ex) GF this morning cast him in the role of Good Samaritan, last year's abortion showing that he persuades women to have unprotected sex or fails to consider the potential consequences of unprotected sex, his statement that he would keep any children if he divorced - all despicable, and all indications of someone with very poor boundaries.

The comments on children are particularly worrying because he seems to see them as chattel, to keep or give up. Quite frankly, I would not leave him in charge of a pet, let alone a child. I do not think his comment on keeping the kids in the event of a divorce means he is aware of the damage caused by his own childhood experience of divorce. I think it indicates that he has no sense of other people as three dimensional individuals but sees them as extensions of his personality, his to use as he sees fit. That attitude is what caused him to rifle through your private papers. Deep down I do not think he has any respect for you at all.

Do you happen to know the circumstances of the abortion? Did he pressure the woman into it?

mathanxiety · 15/08/2020 05:15

I agree @IncandescentSilver

PDs can overlap to a significant degree, particularly within clusters.

justilou1 · 15/08/2020 06:12

Why was your DS riffling through your stuff? Was he trying to get info on you? Looking for money for drugs? Your son is not a good person. You 100% did the right thing kicking him out and telling the girlfriend. I think his endangering your daughter is a huge problem. If you ask him for the key back, he might just get another cut. I would invite him over for a chat about things and ask for it back while he’s there. (Don’t warm him.)

Porridgeoat · 15/08/2020 10:14

Well done. You and girlfriend sound very lovely

didyouchoosetogoabroad · 15/08/2020 14:32

most psychopaths are high functioning ones, acting as managers, surgeons, lawyers and everything else I think you are thinking of psychopaths who cause harm on the people around them but "choose" to stay within the law, not "high functioning"? They don't function as in they aren't fully functioning members within a society, because they are psychopaths, but can live within the law and can operate below radar?

I don't know what sort of mental state he has but the vast majority of men I know behave like this. They aren't all totally lacking in empathy or moral compass in every area of their lives, but they are in relation to relationships with women.

OP did he behave like this as a child/teenager, and what sort of methods did you use in relation to his behaviour?

Original poster
whattodoforthebest2 · 16/08/2020 13:21

Thank you, that's interesting, Did You Choose.

He's very bright and sociable and I can see he'll do well in his career and he's a great sportsman too, but since my divorce he's been really challenging. It really happened at the worst time for him when he needed a father figure and role model around and he wasn't there. It's going to take us a while to get our relationship back on an even keel, but I will suggest counselling and I have a feeling he'll agree, even perhaps going together, although it'll be difficult for him to admit some of the things he's done that I know about, but he doesn't know I know about, IYSWIM. Joint counselling may not work in that respect, he's less likely to lie if he's talking to an outsider without me there.

To be honest I don't really want to go into the ins and outs of my childrens' upbringing online. There are all sorts of things I had little control over because of the circumstances and I feel badly enough about that without various anonymous posters laying into me about what I should or shouldn't have done.

I really appreciate the constructive and supportive comments though. I know I did the right thing and I wouldn't have been able to live with myself otherwise, thinking I should have said something when I had the opportunity.

Flowers to you lot for the hand-holding.

OP posts:
newbie222 · 16/08/2020 14:44

I agree about psychopathic traits. Read up on it.

Also piling blame on his father for leaving is pointless. My father done some awful things and I didn’t grow up to be a thing like him and nor did my brother. Also you mentioned you have other children - interesting that they do not seem to be party to this behaviour yet have the same dad?

No point ever beating yourself up we can only do our best and you sound like you really are a great parent.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/08/2020 16:41

If your ds genuinely has psychopathic tendencies, just aware he may try to be run rings round the counsellor. This can happen, especially if he’s smart and charming.

didyouchoosetogoabroad · 16/08/2020 16:44

To be honest I don't really want to go into the ins and outs of my childrens' upbringing online. There are all sorts of things I had little control over because of the circumstances and I feel badly enough about that without various anonymous posters laying into me about what I should or shouldn't have done I asked the question up thread too and explained up thread it was because I was worried about my dh being a very bad influence on ds. I am having to work really hard to try to make sure my sons do not copy their father's behaviour by doing a lot of talking and I wanted to know if you had done similar things, how effective it might be. It is heartbreaking to see your children copy behaviour which you know is destructive and will lead to loneliness. I am quite certain I am not the only poster reading worrying about exactly the same thing. I also thought that as you were anonymous in any event you might not mind sharing.

But the thread was about should you be honest with gf and I was one of the ones who said yes and you have done so, and I understand that what I asked was not on topic.

I doubt very much he is a psychopath but only you would know that - whether he has emotions, whether he is consistently cruel and sets out to intentionally hurt. If he is he can be helped but needs more than counselling.

Best of luck about it all and well done for telling gf, I am sure she thanks you for it.