Adult son is a serial cheat

[whattodoforthebest2]

My son is 28, he has a good job and his own flat. We have a good relationship, except for the fact that he habitually cheats on every girlfriend he has ever had. His dad and I separated when he was 15, he has a good relationship with his father but his dad and I are no contact. My son has had a succession of 2-4 year long relationships, always with lovely girlfriends, not only stunning looking but polite, respectful, friendly and trusting girls.

He is due to go on holiday with his gf of 2 years on Saturday. This evening he has asked to stay at mine as he was seeing some mates locally. At 3am I'm woken by him coming upstairs and I go and find my living room and kitchen full of boys drinking. My son isn't there. So I find him in his room in bed with a girl having sex.

This isn't the first time I'm aware that he's cheated on this gf, but she's a lovely girl and I can't stand by and watch this happen.

So what do I do now? My instinct is to contact her via fb and ask her to call me and tell her, either on the phone or in person.

@Drinkingallthewine I agree with all that. I just don't think she should tell the gf.

BTW op you sound amazing.

Do they?

Yes they do, it's happened to me and a lot of my friends. Boundary pushing is common. It only becomes a problem if they are allowed to push boundaries into adulthood and are constantly doing it with wives and girlfriends to see how far they can go.
I sat on him the minute he started that nonsense and he now knows exactly where he stands with me.

Girls often do it too, it isn't limited to boys.

It sounds like your son issues run deeper than being a serial cheater.

I admire your moral convictions however, it seems you need to lay down touugher boundaries. Why was he even drinking in your house with his friends? Why does he have so little respect for you to bring strangers to your home to fuck?

I would be losing my shit if my son disrespected me like that. He is a 28 year old man.

I think you're doing the right thing OP by asking him to tell is GF otherwise you will be doing that anyway - someone's health is potentially at risk and you have an unfortunate burden of knowledge and subsequent obligation. Your son has put you in this position and the consequences will come where they may.

You can try to be a 'chance' for your son but you can't live his life for him and he sounds pretty determined to carry on doing what he's doing. Don't facilitate it. One of the consequences of his actions SHOULD be a damaged relationship with you, for the time being at least.

Have clear boundaries of acceptable behaviour - you need to be able to be 'happy' with the responses you are taking to feel ok about yourself as a person, instead of compromised and eroded by another person's values.

You can not tell him how to live his life, but you can be a role-model for what you are and what you are not prepared to stand for. And perhaps that will be a better learning experience and more helpful to him in the long run.

Yes they do, it's happened to me and a lot of my friends. Boundary pushing is common. in teenage boys you mean? this is a 28 year old? sorry i missed your earlier post.

To the posters who think it is not the OP's business, my ex fiance cheated on me in our twenties and I finished with him, and I would have been and still would be really quite disgusted if I found out his parents had known about it and not forced my fiance to tell me years earlier. It is his responsibility as an adult, but it isn't fair to her.

Girls often do it too, it isn't limited to boys in my experience, having brothers and male and female friends and knowing the ins and outs of male and female colleague's lives (as that is the sort of environment I work in) men are in terms of numbers significantly worse. Probably because of male role model behaviour around them when growing up.

I don't think you should tell the gf. It's not your business. Keep it between you and your son. Telling the gf will further damage your relationship with your son. It would be a huge breach of trust.

The huge breach of trust is the son snagging around being his GF's back. The huge breach of trust is bringing a party of coked up knobbers back to your mum's house at 3am. The huge breach of trust is using your mum's house to cheat on your GF. The huge breach of trust is putting your sister in the situation where a male stranger walks into her room in the middle of the night.

For all of the above reasons of course it's his mum's business. It's not just between his mum and him, it's between his mum, a whole gaggle of coke-head knobbers, his sister, the random woman in OP's house and all the other random women he's slept with and all their mates. The only person who it isn't between is the GF and I absolutely would tell her if I was the OP.

His ethics and his relationship are not your primary concern. By all means tell him what you think of him and tell his GF if you feel you need to. The bigger issue for me is that he brought a load of drunk men back to your house. That's totally disrespectful and puts you and your possessions at risk. I'd have kicked them all out on the spot and taken his key off him for good. If he's 28 and still hasn't learned to treat you with basic respect he's unlikely to change and doesn't deserve any more chances. Stop letting him treat you like a doormat.

Yes, my relationship with him may be damaged, but I'm the best chance he's got. No one else in the family wants to have anything to do with him because they know what he's like. I haven't mentioned all the lying and stealing that's gone on, as that's nothing to do with the current situation. I think we'll repair it whatever happens, but I can't let this gf carry on thinking they are all good and playing happy couples.

There are all sorts of boundary problems here. Your son doesn't respect any boundaries in inter-personal relations, whether yours or his girlfriends. He just does what he likes.

I don't even understand why at the age of 28 he hasn't been banned permanently from staying at yours. You can have contact by phone and meeting up outside the home but why on earth does a man of 28 have to be allowed to stay when he has behaved like that?

He's unlikely to get better. He will most likely behave like this all his life, but you can help by not facilitating it and making him think its ok because mummy always has his back.

I don't think its your place to tell the girlfriend either. You should concentrate on his son, not on mopping up after him by running around contacting people.

I do sometimes wonder if cheating is genetic. My ex cheated on me and seems to have cheated in all his relationships. He told me his father cheated on his mother multiple times til they ended up divorced. His grandfather was a famous cheat who caused a society scandal so bad he had to live in Africa for 2 years til it died down!

But theres cheating and then theres running away from responsibilities. He should have to deal with his own responsibilities instead of triangulating you into them to sort out the problems caused by his own behaviour.

It's not your fault. Some men are absolute arses for this. But can I say good for you for not making him out to be perfect. My ex cheated on me and text other women and lied about where he was. We lived together and a lad I didn't know contacted me to tell me people were gossiping about what he does behind my back. I knew anyway but hearing it from this lad just gave me the strength to end up it. The stranger became my support for 6 weeks. The result was my partner's mum didn't want to hear any of the truth and just presumed I was cheating on him with this new lad. It didn't matter what I said. He also had a new girlfriend within 2 weeks of me dumping him. He's now married to her. But he was sending his willy pics to my work colleague when they first started going out.

I think you should tell him exactly what you think of him. Tell him not to get in anymore relationships and to get it out his system and grow up! Tell him he will end up alone because eventually he will be seen as a horrible cheat who's slept with allsorts. Hopefully you can give him the shock of his life. Also perhaps tell him you can't watch him do this so he either ends it or you will be telling the girl what he been doing. She has the right to know. Especially from an std and baby point if view. But mostly because I would want to know. It would break my heart but I would not want to walk around not knowing. All his mates are there too. He's not trying to hide it from them. So they are either just as bad or hopefully have a conscience and will tell her.

You sound like a great mum. It's no reflection on you. It's time for him to embrace whichever man he really is. He can sleep about and stay single. Or he can be a good partner.

IncandescentSilver cheating genetic? I've heard it all now, its more likely witnessing learned behaviour than it being genetic however its a lifestyle choice, you choose to cheat.

He has no respect for your privacy by barging into your home at 3am so why on earth should you respect his? I would tell her. She needs to get tested. He sounds like a coke head and a predator to be honest. But you should not feel this is a reflection on you. He is making his own choices. All you can do is be honest with those around him about they type of person he is.

OP, if they are off on holiday, don’t wait send her a message saying you walked in on him cheating in your home last night and random men walked into your daughters room.
She needs time to digest and cancel the holiday etc, don’t wait for him to say if he’s telling her or not as his version will be “Darren brought a girl back to mums and she tried to kiss me but I told her no”. And Then tell you he’s told her.

I was exceedingly grateful when the mother of my boyfriend told me he was cheating on me. A bit of me already knew. I'd have hated finding out later that the family knew and I'd been round for dinner etc and they hadn't told me.

He was a git. A very charming git, but a git.

Well done OP. Have you had any counselling for your own experiences and perspectives? Might help?

In armchair psychologist mode, I would suggest that your son learned in his childhood that men are not trustworthy and women are inevitable victims. He lost all respect for you then and learned that morality and goodness do not pay and might be convenient fictions, rather they make you weak and vulnerable to exploitation.

He sees you as less than himself and not fully competent to be in charge of your own life, hence it's fine for him to look through your stuff, to 'oversee' your activity but also fine to take advantage of you, as that's the inevitable fate of women and you won't notice or mind.

If he sees everyone around him as a failure or an idiot, why would he not lie to them and exploit them for his own ends?

His basic problem is the lack of a decent male role model, to desmonstrate how to do 'decent' and why, even though it's hard sometimes, it is a worthwhile way to live.

Tell the girlfriend. Tell her she needs to get an STI check. Tell her she deserves better than your son.

I would also tell her about the girl who called you last year thinking she was the GF ... and that she'd actually gotten pregnant by your son.

@Finfintytint

Err.. you do nothing. If he’s a knob then it’s down to him at 28. What were you doing in a 28 year old’s bedroom? Why are boys drinking in your kitchen? Why is your son associating with children?

petty, anyone with half a brain cell will work out what op means

she needs to know for health reasons she could have been given anything

he sounds disgusting i dont kinow any 28 year olds that do this-also bringing strangers back to yours like its his own home is so disrectful and dangerous

its not up to you to fix a grown man

And of course, bringing them back to your house is a further deliberate mark of disrespect. He's basically pissing on your property to mark his ownership (superior status, if not actual ownership).

Both the ONS and the gathering of adults indoors during Covid, are about saying 'look how little I respect you, your home, your and anybody else's safety. I do what I like and no-one, no disease, can defeat me'.

The inner life of the electively amoral, like him, must be dreadful, as he can never risk revealing enough about himself to make real, deep down connections with people. The sort that lead to trust, love and long-lasting relationships. He'll always be lonely and distrustful. But possibly rich.

I have 4 sons and two have done the "cheating" thing, but when they were teenagers and neither were in long term relationships.
They have grown up and are happily settled now.
The fact that the OP didn't know these lads is concerning as many of his old friends will have grown up and stopped this sort of laddish behaviour, whilst he seems stuck.
I would tell this girlfriend, one less casualty in this situation. I feel for you OP all you can say is I love you but hate your behaviour, and the way it hurts others, and take his key away!

Romeo. Not petty just illustrating OP mindset about adult children and how she runs the household. No need for insults.

I realise it's important to your self-esteem to say "I don't need to change the locks be cause he wouldn't come back if I told him not to" but in the light of all the rest of the things you have said, please will you do it? Perhaps you could do it for your daughters sake?
I blame me all you like for saying this, tell me I'm a piece of shit who deserves to die if you like, but please do it.
I can see the infidelity hurts you most because you've been on the other side of it, but the other issues are important here too. "Looks 17" could so easily be 15.

I dont think id go out of my way to tell the girlfriend, but id get my key back and not allow him to stay round anymore. I think id go low contact