Adult son is a serial cheat

[whattodoforthebest2]

My son is 28, he has a good job and his own flat. We have a good relationship, except for the fact that he habitually cheats on every girlfriend he has ever had. His dad and I separated when he was 15, he has a good relationship with his father but his dad and I are no contact. My son has had a succession of 2-4 year long relationships, always with lovely girlfriends, not only stunning looking but polite, respectful, friendly and trusting girls.

He is due to go on holiday with his gf of 2 years on Saturday. This evening he has asked to stay at mine as he was seeing some mates locally. At 3am I'm woken by him coming upstairs and I go and find my living room and kitchen full of boys drinking. My son isn't there. So I find him in his room in bed with a girl having sex.

This isn't the first time I'm aware that he's cheated on this gf, but she's a lovely girl and I can't stand by and watch this happen.

So what do I do now? My instinct is to contact her via fb and ask her to call me and tell her, either on the phone or in person.

Sorry, I meant "blame me all you like."

@julybaby32

I realise it's important to your self-esteem to say "I don't need to change the locks be cause he wouldn't come back if I told him not to" but in the light of all the rest of the things you have said, please will you do it? Perhaps you could do it for your daughters sake? I blame me all you like for saying this, tell me I'm a piece of shit who deserves to die if you like, but please do it. I can see the infidelity hurts you most because you've been on the other side of it, but the other issues are important here too. "Looks 17" could so easily be 15.

^ I agree, please change the locks just as a precaution. You have your daughter and yourself to consider safety wise. Your son had a load of ‘mates’ in your home who you didn’t know, one of them accidentally walked into your daughter’s room. One of them could have easily picked up his keys and walked off with them. Please take care of yourselves.

I think you are right to tell the GF, so she hopefully doesn’t waste any more time on him and gets an STI check.

I think you are a good Mum OP, you have had a tough time of it and are doing your best. I think the best thing you can do is encourage your son to go for counselling, maybe go with him if that makes a difference to him taking the first step. But put lots more boundaries in place, don’t let him think he can do what he likes in your home.

It may not be up to me to fix him, but I don’t want to see a future wife of his going through what I went through ten years ago. It caused untold damage and has certainly marred whatever relationships I’ve had since.

Interesting that he told me a couple of years ago that if he ever got divorced he’d definitely keep the kids. He’s aware of the damage that’s been caused I think.

He does seem to think he’s superior to others (just as his dad does) and I thought it was the alpha in him watching what I was doing by going thru my things etc.

I’ve often taken the view that people who think others are so easily fooled because they’re stupid aren’t the stupid ones at all - it’s those who underestimate them that are the fools. That’s how I feel about my son taking me for a mug. (This also applies to numerous politicians IMO.)

@popcornlover

I always wondered who the mothers of these type of men were!

Have you also wondered who their fathers were?

@whattodoforthebest2

I think the answer is you tell him your standards. Tell him that's not how you treat a women/lady/someone you love. Ask him how he would feel if it was the other way around.

Also some men do have a sex problem. He sounds like he's obsessed with sex. He's already got a women to do it with but he wants to see other women naked and use them. He is very likely detaching from his feelings to do this. One night stands have always been a thing. Flings in my view someone gets hurt. Feelings happen even when people don't think they will. Your son may be this way for the rest of his life.

But it's nothing to do with how you raised him. He has made his own choices in regards to sex and women. If you love someone you don't cheat. Especially in the early years of a realtionship. He's got a holiday with her. He's got no baggage. She's got no baggage. They are not stuck in a long term sexless marriage whilst the kids run rings around them (not that this even justifies cheating) so it comes across to me that it makes him feel powerful and alpha. Knowing he can get in a girls pants. Knowing his mates know. Knowing his girlfriend won't know. I don't think there's much you can do other than what you believe is morally right. You are a good mum and he's lucky to have you to guide him still. Hopefully if he understands he's hurt you it will make him care more.

Yes, I agree about underestimating people. It gives the person doing it a very oversimplified, cardboard cut-out sort of view of the world, as well as an exaggerated sense of their own powers of prediction (confirmation bias allows this), so prevents them from understanding a lot of what is going on around them. I have friends who do this habitually, in a fairly harmless but perpetually negative way and I often think 'you could have a much happier life, if you trusted other people a little bit more'.

Saying he'd 'keep the kids' is again, all about his way being superior and his wish to impose control, isn't it. It hasn't occurred to him that the kids might be better off with their mother.

I think the infidelity is because fidelity and commitment scare him. He'd have to be real, reveal who he is to someone, to continue a long-term relationship, fully committed. The ONSs are a way out of having to be honest about himself - including to himself. They must be very reassuring to him, that 'good boyfriend' is not all he is. He cannot and will not alllow himself to be pinned down, put in a box and understood, so easily. To maintain control over his life, he has to maintain unpredictability, independence and unreliability to others.

Because what if he was fully understood and loved by his lovely GF and found to be imperfect or not brilliant?

He can maintain all his preferred protective delusions about himself and freedom from accountability to other, inevitably flawed, weak, terrible people, if he ensures he doesn't ever commit fully to another person.

I don't think he will change yet OP.

If his current GF finds out either by you telling her or one of their friends or she finds out I think he will simply move on to the next GF.

The reason he likes to be seen to behave like this in front of friends is his ego. You mentioned his previous girlfriends are always stunning and lovely, something I'm sure a lot of his friends envy him for. He continuously manages to replace one stunning GF with another and is very successful 'pulling' for one night stands when out with mates.

It doesn't sound like he wants to or is 'ready' to change yet. His life is good! It's fun! He's got his own place, good job, endless women! Why would he want to settle with one woman. I think around the age of 30, if his friends are a similar age, things will change. Between 30 and 35 he'll start to notice friends will start to 'settle down'. Those with steady relationships will start to take the next steps, engagement, marriage, babies and will drift away from him a bit and if their GF's/wives are aware of his behaviour they will put pressure on them to distance from him. He may decide to change and settle with one woman then. Maybe he won't.

OP, it sounds like you are doing the right things in a truly horrible situation. strength and respect to you.

I would normally agree with the posters saying that you shouldn't interfere with your adult child's life.

HOWEVER, the fact that :

1. He chose to do this in YOUR home does, in my opinion, make it something that you now have to deal with.

1. Added to some of the other things you say about him (and his attitude towards you, lying, disrespect, selfishness etc) which also sound worrying.

1. And, most of all, the numerous women on this post who have been the girlfriend/wife in this type of situation commented upthread.

.... means that yes, I think you are doing the right thing to stand up to him and to tell the girlfriend, despite the risk of damaging your relationship with him... Because, frankly, your relationship with him is clearly already pretty damaged.

Good luck. I am glad you have the support (and example) of his siblings to help you to stay strong.

He brought a lot of drugged up strangers back in the middle of the night during an international pandemic putting you all at risk when he has his own flat?

He's highly likely to have had unprotected sex with a young girl.

He had a relationship with another woman alongside his gf which resulted in an abortion last year, which she knows nothing about, he has learnt nothing from this and is back to his old tricks.

He is confident you will say nothing which is precisely why you should.

They will go on holiday tomorrow and you can probably guarantee all the men will know and the women will not.

She will end up being the only person who thinks he's faithful, he will be embarrassing and humiliating her right now and end up breaking her heart.

He lies and steals and his siblings don't speak to him.

I think you need to give the girl a get out now clause.
He's had his chances. He may be 28 but he's acting like a child.

By not telling her his actions will continue. I would want to know and wish someone had told me in a similar situation years ago.

It'll hurt like hell but its the best thing for her if you know her well and like and respect her.

Maybe when he finally loses someone he cares about he may change for the better or stay a serial cheater - but at least he can be assured he no longer brings his mess to your doorstep.

You can't be complicit anymore. There are no consequences to his actions - he does what he likes when he likes.

Iwonder08

I'm actually with you. I would not tell the girlfriend, I wouldn't lie if she asked me and I wouldn't have her round for dinner with this nonsense going on, but what is needed here is a far greater degree of separation and respect between mother and son, and the rest is up to him.

I would, like others have said, set boundaries at home. I'd take my key back, I'd say I never want him around again in the evening or staying over or bring mates over, and to call first if he wants to come over. I'd tell him he'd put me and my dd at risk with drunk, drugged up (inevitably) strange men. That's utterly unacceptable and would never allow that to happen again. He needs a very blunt message on that front.

Other than that, I would back right off. Who knows if he is immature, has some type of sociopathic/non-empathic tendencies, or just behaving like a 'lad' in our culture. I spent a lot of time in my twenties with a large group of male friends, and I think, judging from the replies on here, that people would be shocked at what was fairly standard behaviour amongst nice middle-class would be engineers, doctors, they weren't all City boys at all, and they were all the type of men who seemed faithful, nice, caring, wouldn't be the type to be Jack the Lad. Over the years, most of them at the very least snogged someone else or had a lap dance/something worse on a stag do. Some were fairly unfaithful, some just overlapped romances in a serial monogamy way but hurting people along the way. Almost none were totally faithful as in really did nothing in their twenties and most had girlfriends.

So- I'd leave him to it. I wouldn't call her, I wouldn't interfere. I'd pray that he starts to realise that if he won't do things like be faithful for moral reasons, he'll do it because the consequences are bad- you don't want him staying, his family don't like him, he'll lose the love of his life once for a silly mistake. Perhaps he uses a lot of coke and he might get treatment.

You can't guilt him into change, and you aren't his therapist. Have far stronger boundaries around protecting yourself, your own life and your other children from his stupidity, then stand back.

What an odd situation bringing his mates (boys?) around to his mums all whilst he goes upstairs to shag a girl. Urgh grim, he sounds more like 17 than 28. The person suggesting counselling for a 28 year old serial cheater needs to get real. If a 28 year old man is choosing to cheat on his gfs that’s his choice, not some weird deep rooted thing that stems back to his parents. It’s quite easy as an adult not to cheat, you simply don’t. He’s clearly doing it to be a “laaaad” especially when his mates are there and know what he’s up to.

I’d tell the gf and then just keep out of it, I wouldn’t have your son and his boyfriends over again either.

Was the 17 year old the only girl/woman there? With all those men? And on drugs and/or alcohol? That makes me feel really uncomfortable. He's meant to be an adult, and even though she's over 16 I would query the consent issue.

@timeisnotaline

Oh and yes to taking his key, and welcome for prearranged dinners and events only, where he may not go through your things. He has a place of his own, you aren’t making him homeless just defining some boundaries!

Also, OP, get a lockable filing cabinet for your private papers and/or, if you have a separate office in your home ensure that that room is also locked when he's likely to be around. Going through your private papers is a disgraceful invasion of privacy - even if he still lived there, which he doesn't. 🌹

OP, your son seems to have all the hallmarks of a psychopath -- the total lack of moral compass or empathy, the poor treatment of women and the total disrespect for you and your home. You mention that his father and grandfather also treat women badly, which makes me wonder if he inherited the "psychopath gene" (for want of a better phrase) from them.

From what I know of such personality types (we have one in our family), they cannot be cured, they go through life taking advantage of others and feel no remorse about any pain they cause people. It must be incredibly hard for you, as you've clearly done your best but it seems unlikely you will get through to him. The coke may be making his behaviour worse (especially if he's addicted), but if you think back to your son's childhood there may well be clues which indicate he was just born that way. None of this is your fault, you have tried to put him on the right path and he is old enough to stand on his own and bear the consequences of his behaviour. I think it's time to protect yourself and your other children from his awful behaviour, and if that means barring him from your home then do it. You can remain in contact with him, but make it clear that your home is out of bounds as he has abused it too many times. Be firm that you don't want to witness any more of his poor treatment of women and you will not lie for him or remain silent to cover up for him.

The maternal love can't be cancelled out, no matter how badly he behaves you can't help caring about him, but he is not a child any more and you can't let this selfish man take advantage of you any longer.

Op. You’d be doing the right thing telling the girlfriend. This isn’t a one off but a pattern of behaviour. He also knows your history with your ex, you e spoken with him in the past about this behaviour too. It would be no surprise to him and in fact I do wonder if he planned it. Why else bring a girl back to your home and shag her thete than in his own place that he does not share with his girlfriend?

Ring the girlfriend and tell her. After you have find that, then ring your son and jet him know you did it and that it’s because firstly it’s morally corrupt to be cheating And secondly, he clearly wanted you to know because he did it in your home and as he already knew how you consider cheats, that clearly he wanted you to tell girlfriend by doing it in your home.

You’re in a tough position. Wish you the best.

As the parent of a daughter whose last BF cheated on her I entreat you to tell the GF. Daughter only found out that her (now ex) BF had cheated on her when she contracted an STI for which she had to have treatment.

I am disappointed at some of the responses on here, especially speakout who appears to hold misogynistic and sexist views and is completely lacking in any kind of empathy, and seems to condone the son’s behaviour.

IME the only way a person likes this learns is when they are the ones on the receiving end. Until then you are wasting your breath. Try and minimise the hurt he causes to his girlfriends when the opportunity arises. It's a matter of time now.

Update:

Thank you for all the comments, it's given me a lot to think about.

I rang the gf a couple of hrs ago. I explained that this was a very difficult call to make but that he had brought friends home last night and had left them downstairs and taken a girl upstairs. I was looking for him and found the two of them naked in a bedroom. I told her she deserved to be treated better than that and that I was sure he'd try and lie his way out of trouble. He had already told her he'd taken a girl home because she was upset and he was looking after her.

So this is the type of girl she is - she thanked me for calling and said she realised how difficult it must be to make that call to her and then apologised for the argument that I would undoubtedly have with my son following the phone she would now be making! She later texted me to say thank you and I replied that I'm here any time she wishes to talk.

I haven't heard from my son at all. I'm very relieved its done and my daughter has suggested that possibly it was not as much of a shock to the gf as it might have been. Very possibly true.

Well done for ringing ( the now ex-?) gf. Can’t of been an easy decesion to make, or an easy thing to do.

Well done in telling her and putting a stop to him making you collude in this.

I have to be honest,I don’t know what appals me more. Him cheating on his partner or a grown ass twenty eight year old man shagging a seventeen year old in his mother’s house whilst his mates were getting pissed in the next room.

I think I actually think it’s the latter. The disrespect is massive. For you and for his girlfriend.

".He had already told her he'd taken a girl home because she was upset and he was looking after her."

Wow!

He really does think his cheating through, doesn't he?

Wonder how he'll explain them being naked in his old room!

Well, hopefully whatever he says won't wash with her.

@diddl

".He had already told her he'd taken a girl home because she was upset and he was looking after her."

Wow!

He really does think his cheating through, doesn't he?

Wonder how he'll explain them being naked in his old room!

Well, hopefully whatever he says won't wash with her.

I had texted him very early this morning to say that he'd better tell his gf what had happened as I'd be calling her later. That's how he chose to explain it.

If you have bolt on the outside doors, I would lock them tonight once the household are all home. If no bolts, it might be an idea to leave the key in the lock on the inside.