New mum needs a bit of help

[dizzytrout]

Hi there,
I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl 9 days ago, I ended up having an emergenct C-section and staying in hospital for 4 days so we just got home last Tuesday.
I started feeling a little down, as I know is normal with the baby blues, but it seems to be sticking around longer than I thought.
I'm still feeling really teary and I don't feel that I'm bonding properly with my baby.
She likes being held, as all new babies do, but she cries a lot when we try to put her in her moses basket, I've tried everything from swaddling to warming the moses basket, but it's quite unpredictable, sometimes she goes down ok, others she doesn't.
The thing is that I've started to dread the evenings, last night it took 4 hours to settle her and when I look at her I love her, but I just feel so anxious. I cry about almost everything and I suppose I just need a bit of reassurance that everything is normal.

Congratulations on the birth of your DD!

Yes, it's normal, your hormones are all over the place and you have a brand new person to look after. My SIL said that she cried every day for a week after her DD was born. I cried less but I had issues with anxiety (borderline PND I think)

Have you tried using a sling? Lots of people find them useful with tiny babies that won't be put down.

Have you met your HV yet? They're not all as bad as sometimes made out to be on MN. Mine was lovely when I had anxiety. Just talking to her made me feel better. They have a questionnaire that you can do to diagnose PND.

Do you have people to talk to/help you out in real life?

Oh dizzy, it is such early days. You are dealing with so much at the moment - trauma of emergency c-section, c-section itself, being a new mum not knowing what on earth you are supposed to be doing. Its exhausting. I remember thinking after giving birth that looking after a baby was like having to enter an olympic event with no training, immediately after running a marathon (maybe a bit dramatic but its how I felt).

This is my personal viewpoint but if holding your daughter settles her, then hold her. Try not to stress about bad habits or routines at this stage - she is still so tiny and needs you. Try to cherish this special time with her. And as for bonding, well it takes time I think. You are just getting to know each other. Baby blues are common and can go on for a little why - my Dh wondered who cried more in the first few weeks - me or DD. I think I might have won.

Just try to rest as much as you can and try not to worry about doing "the right thing". Do what feels right to you.

Sounds perfectly normal to me! I think all newborns prefer to be cuddled, and my 2 certainly in the evenings were much happier being snuggled - mind you they both tended to breast feed for hours and hours and hours of an evening from what I remember so I didn't get much option.

For my second I had a bouncy chair by the sofa, and when he had finished feeding I would pop him in there and then if he didn't settle I would cuddle him longer (or his dad/gran would) and if he did settle I would grab a cup of tea/eat something/watch TV/rest!

Hi dizzy congratulations on your baby girl!

Not much help I know but what you're going through sounds normal to me. Having a c section (especially emergency) is a HUGE strain. Do you have people around who are able to help you and look after you a bit?

Bonding with babies can take time and go through lots of stages. Both of my babies cried a lot when they were little and needed to be held most of the time so you have my sympathy as it is very draining. With my first I tried to settle her in a basket with much crying on her part and mine. With number two i just accepted that that was the sort of baby I seem to have and invested in a sling which was a real life saver.

I would really recommend that you try a good sling as it will comfort your baby, let you get things done/rest as needed. Slings also great for bonding as babies love them and snuggle in all happy and it is a lovely feeling for a parent to soothe and carry their baby this way. I found using a sling felt like the most natural way in the world to look after a baby and made me feel all earth motherish and empowered.

Keep posting you will get loads of help and support.

Dizzy. Congratulations on becoming a mummy.
Your baby is so very small I would forget everything else and just go with what she wants for now. If your evenings are bad then dont make plans, sky+ anything you want to watch, feed, snuggle, walk around whatever it takes to keep you both happy.
The first few weeks go past so very fast. Enjoy your baby. Enjoy getting to know her. Wait for her little face to light up when she recognises your voice. Wait for the times when she is so snuggly that you can just sit and stare for hours.

Most importantly dont be afraid to ask for help in real life. Dont worry about the hoovering etc. The HV is there to help. Most are wonderful.

Good luck. Relax and enjoy.

Forgot to say that with regards to fussy evenings, although frustrating, this is also normal.

The only way I could settle my babies in the evening was either through lots of feeding in short bursts or by putting them in the sling.

With DD2 who used to scream from about 7pm onwards I put her in the sling and then went for a brisk walk. She would usually settle after 5 mins or so of fast walking and I found the crying more bearable outside.

Thank you for all of your replies, I'm sitting reading them with tears streaming down my face.
I should be meeting with the health visitor within the next few days, so I certainly will ask her for help and advice.
I have a very supportive network of friends and family who i have been texting for advice and my dp has been wonderful, I honestlt couldn't ask for more, that's why it's so wierd that I feel so low.
I tried to explain it to him and it comes out sounding all wrong, but it's lots of different things. I feel like I miss my dp (does that sound silly?) We have a beautiful perfect healthy baby girl who we love to bits, but I just don't feel like me any more, it's so strange.
It has only been a couple of times where her not settling was really bad, it took 4 hours on a few occasions, she didn't want to be held or go down, I think she just got over tired. A couple of people have said try not to nurse her too much between feeds but I don't really know what else to do when she's awake, maybe she gets bored!
I don't want to wish the time away but I can't wait until we're all in a nice routine so we can all enjoy each other (not that I don't now, it's just a bit stressful really) I'm just babbling now..

Forgot to add that I tried breast feeding but dd wpuldn't latch on, we persevered for the 4 days I was in hospital and ended up expressing for a week, but now just bottle feeding.

Stop trying to put her down in the Moses basket. Just hold her until she's asleep.

She's very normal.

OTH crying all the time isn't entirely normal, so if it carries on beyond another week you should see your GP

How often are you feeding her - you know that babies can often feed all evening without much pause, right?/

If people are telling you not to nurse her too often between feeds, does this mean you are trying to set a feeding pattern? IMO I wouldn't bother. Just causes stress. Sling some milk in her every time she opens her mouth and see if that helps.

If she's bottle fed she mmight benefit hugely from a dummy.

I agree with don't worry about putting her down. My dd and ds3 were more prone to this in the evening, and a sling worked wonders. As it might be a bit early for slings atm after a c-section [I wouldn't know for a fact] perhaps just sitting with her and reading stories or just talking, looking at her, if you can try skin to skin contact at this time. [This def helped ds3]. It might sound a bit strange but it's a way of connecting in a positive way for you both, and I'm pretty sure the sound of your voice will be reassuring, especially when lying against your skin.
If she is bottle fed is she getting a bit colicky?
Congratulations and good luck.

No, I haven't thought about setting a pattern just yet, I thought it would be best to feed on demand for the first couple of months. I tried a dummy but she just pushes it out with her tongue, I will keep trying though. I'll have a word with the HV when she comes round about it possibly being something else, thank you.

Just wanted to say, it won't be long until you are feeling like 'you' again. It takes a few weeks, but by the time your baby is 1 or 2 months, you will feel the old self dawning, and it's such a relief to welcome them back! I remember I was really concerned the first few weeks, I was convinced I had PND because the baby blues arrived on about day 6 and didn't budge for two weeks. I badgered my HV about it, but she didn't seem worried. Then suddenly I just started feeling normal again.

It will happen. It's common to feel anxious, I put that down to the unpredictability of new babies. I mean, there's the odd person who just rolls with no routine and doesn't mind, but I think for most people, not knowing when the hell you are going to have 5 minutes to yourself is very draining. Ditto not knowing when you are going to be woken up next.

I dreaded the evenings too, but it got better very fast. The early weeks are a blur, don't worry - it will start getting good really soon, I promise you
Big hugs, unMumsNet style..

dizzytrout it sounds like you are doing a great job and what you are feeling is perfectly normal. My first baby girl (now 11 months) had terrible colic for the first 3 - 4 months and cried almost continually when she was not asleep or being fed, even when we cuddled her. I found getting a sling (Karime stretchy material one) was a godsend and I wish I tried it sooner than when I first did which was when she was 6 weeks old. If you do try this then if she doesn't settle in the evenings and has had plenty to eat then try putting her in the sling and see if she drops off, she may wake up again when you get her out to put her to bed but eventually it might help settle her a bit.
The other thing is that if it is anything like my experience it will get better after a couple of months and don't under estimate what a fantastic job you are doing even if it doesn't feel like it now xx

Your LO is still so tiny that you might find it useful to remember that new babies aren't on the same 24hour clock as us adults.

In fact, IME they have a 3 or 4 hour clock, in which they wake; feed; poo; nap; wake; poo; feed; nap and so on ad infinitum (or that's what it feels like).

So trying to settle her for 4 hours means that you'll have probably been through the whole cycle at least once if not twice.

She will gradually shift over to a normal 24 hour cycle - but it will probably be months rather than weeks. Don't beat yourself up about it in the meantime, you'll soon be feeling physically better and better able to cope. In the meantime, just go with the flow and try and accept/adapt to the rhythm that your DD needs at the moment.

Thank you again everyone for your advice and comments, it really does help. I know it won't be like this forever and I will feel better eventually, it was just such a shock to feel like this, I think you expect it to feel just like your old self but with a new baby, but it's not.

When DS was born, I kept thinking about "when things go back to normal..." like having him was only temporary. It took a good while to get my head round the fact that he was here to stay and I was a mum! It does totally change you and you can't prepare for that but you do get used to it...and come to enjoy it. Wait until she smiles at you for the first time - there is no feeling in the world like it.

More practical advice - have you tried swaddling? It can really help settle some babies. I could never do it with a normal blanket so got the Miracle Blanket from Mothercare, which is really easy to use. It helped when DS got a bit older and used to wake himself up with his flailing arms!

That's really struck a nerve, I know what you mean, I suppose I do keep thinking when things go back to normal.
I have tried swaddling but she doesn't seem to like it, they did it in the hospital and it worked a bit then, but she likes having her arms out I think (she boxes in her sleep!)

dizzy, I could have written your post a few months ago. I had an em cs and TBH I think it took a while to sink in - bit like post-traumatic stress. I think it also affected my bonding with DS as I felt a bit detached from him IYSWIM. Couple that with the hormones and I was a wreck. IT WILL GET BETTER!

dizzy, I had a baby boy 11 weeks ago. I cried pretty much every day for the first 3 weeks. I now only cry about once a week
Also, for the first 4 weeks or so, my DS would breastfeed from 5 pm until midnight and scream every time I attempted to put him down. I now know this is normal, but it meant that he didn't settle for the night until midnight-1 a.m. I was absolutely exhausted and terrified it was going to be like that forever. We now have a different set of problems and are still trying to figure out how to get him to sleep during the day, but he is usually asleep for the night 8-8.30 pm. (wakes up a couple of times for a feed of course.)

Be gentle to yourself, don't beat yourself up. Let yourself cry if you feel like it. it will get better very soon.

Oh Dizzy, I feel your pain, I had ECS with DS1 and CS with DS2, having a baby feels like someone declaring war on you I think!, it's relentless, but it does get easier.
My ds2 is 7 weeks now, and I spent the first 2 weeks in floods of tears, crying at adverts and any old crap on the tv, couldn't talk about it because I'd start crying and couldn't get words out!
The anxiety I felt was a real shocker,and did wear off mostly,reckon this is one of those parts of becoming a mum people don't tell you about, but do talk to your MW/HV, they will help you.
I didn't feel a massive rush of love for my 2 as soon as they came out, I know I loved them, but it crept up on me day by day, week by week. In a couple of weeks she's going to smile at you, I found this a real turning point, when they change from wrinkly screaming, pooing, feeding machines, to your baby, and they just keep interacting more until you're utterly smitten. Just remember that there's tons of us all going through the same thing, mostly without a clue what we're doing,

Congratulations on the birth of your DD, Dizzy.

I had an crash CS when I had DS and I felt similar to you, a bit numb and not like myself.

The CS was awful, I was scared, DH was scared, it was very traumatic.

Did you have a crash section?

You might want to ask the HV if there is provision in your area for counselling, to talk through the CS and your feelings. I wish it had been available when I had DS as it really affected my feelings for him in the first couple of months.

Oh dear, in floods of tears again reading your lovely replies! It doesn't seem to be getting any better yet but I guess no worse. It gets worse at certain times of the day, but then that varies from day to day aswell.
I'm not sure what a crash CS is MmeGoblindt, I had to have one because my labour wasn't progressing after 20 hours and the baby kind of got stuck - I wasn't expecting it, I was so scared of needles and hospitals that I didn't even want an epidural when I first got there.
I haven't really thought about the CS too much, I don't think it had much of an effect on me but maybe it did.
I'm seeing a nurse tomorrow and HV on Thurs so I'm definately going to do something about it.
It's just so strange, I have everything I've ever wanted, a perfect loving partner who I adore, a beautiful healthy baby girl, a lovely home and a good job - I just don't understand why I feel so wierd. It helps to know others experiences and that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Congrats on your DD.

It's totally normal to feel this way, I remember wailing on the 4th day after DD was born that I wouldn't get a decents nights sleep until she was 4! Utter nonsense, of course. DD is now 4 and I've been getting a decent nights sleep for 3 years, thank god!

The hormone crash after birth is significant, the and overwhelming, demanding reality of a new baby is pretty scary. A friend asked me the other day if when I was pregnant I really understood that I was going to have a baby, and to be honest I really didn't! It seems silly, but I think it's a common experience. It's natural to miss your old life and grieve for it a bit, just let yourself feel how you feel, just know that the fog will clear, it will pass and things really DO get easier.

HTH