New mum needs a bit of help

[dizzytrout]

Hi there,
I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl 9 days ago, I ended up having an emergenct C-section and staying in hospital for 4 days so we just got home last Tuesday.
I started feeling a little down, as I know is normal with the baby blues, but it seems to be sticking around longer than I thought.
I'm still feeling really teary and I don't feel that I'm bonding properly with my baby.
She likes being held, as all new babies do, but she cries a lot when we try to put her in her moses basket, I've tried everything from swaddling to warming the moses basket, but it's quite unpredictable, sometimes she goes down ok, others she doesn't.
The thing is that I've started to dread the evenings, last night it took 4 hours to settle her and when I look at her I love her, but I just feel so anxious. I cry about almost everything and I suppose I just need a bit of reassurance that everything is normal.

I agree it could be a growth spurt. It may also be colic. I took my daughter to the doctors about 8 times (!!) in the first 3 - 4 months because we were convinced something was wrong and she was in pain, the crying was so constant. But we were told it was just a bad case of colic. Totally understand your life being a cycle of trying to get her to sleep and being nervous/anxious when she wakes up. If it is colic with your baby, things I would recommend you try are gripe water when she gets old enough to have it (I think it is 1 month or maybe 3 cannot remember) really helped get a burp up for us. Infacol did NOT work for us for some reason but dentinox for colic did work very well (although it smells of dill and I don't really like that smell but seems to get wind up). I repeat the thing about the sling, I remember being reluctant about a sling to begin with because I wanted baby to learn to drop off on her own but on reflection I think newborns are hardwired to want to be in constant contact with their mothers/carers and to cry if they are not, its a survival thing so the best way is to go with the flow, if you put her in the sling and she drops off, try to recline on the bed yourself and get 40 winks. Car seat and motorway driving was my husband's favourite trick. We both look back with horror and laugh about 30 Dec 2008 the day before new years eve, crying from about 1pm till midnight non stop with respite only at about 11.30pm when all 3 of us got in the car and started driving (for about an hour and a half) up and down the M40, she dropped off!
I remember wishing it away and feeling guilty for doing so but knowing it 100% definitely does get better but you have to hang in there for a month or so sometimes helps.

Just to add ANOTHER bit of practical advice (at the risk of overloading you!). With DS1, I discovered, belatedly, that I had been using a teat that was too slow for quite a while, and had been sucking and sucking, feeds were very slow and he was windy.

For DS1 I used Avent bottles and switched from a newborn teat to a variable-flow one (this tip might be a bit out of date as it was 9 years ago !).

DS2 got on very well with Playtex bottles (I think that these are recommended as being as close as you can get to a real nipple). He was a champion burper - didn't even have to rub his back - just sit him up and hear him roar

Everyones advice is great!! absollutely right....RedBlue and Purple sounds like a mix of my daughter....She had colic and aslo growth spurts...didnt like beig horizontal....try different things, what ever works for you, wonderful.....please let us know how youre getting on and how youre feeling, i hope youre feeling better xx

Growth spurt sounds quite likely, the times she hasn't settled very well co-incide with the information on the internet. I think she may be going through one at the min, since last night she has either had short sleep or totalloy missed her naps and has been feeding on and off. Mind you, sometimes she doesn't even want to feed and just cries, but I think it said they do get more fussy when they have one.
So we've had a pretty bad night and it looks like today isn't going to be much better. It is disheartening, but I'm hoping it will pass soon.
She woke up at 7.30 this morning and hasn't slept yet, she usually has a nap by now. I'm trying on the advice of the midwife to just go with it, which I have been and she got herself into her own little routine of 3 to 4 hours, I let her nap when she shows signs of tiredness but she's showing them now and won't sleep.

I hope she has been a bit more settled today Dizzy. When I had DD the best advice I received was from my SIL.: when she sleeps, you sleep!

Don't worry about housework or snything else. If she naps have a lie down yourself, or a cup of tea and a read of your book/look on MN ... Whatever relaxes you.

Feeling really low this morning, dd was up every hour and a half last night after sleeping for 2 4 hour stretches in the day, but that was when we were out so I couldn't get any sleep.
HV is coming today so I hope I can chat to her a bit about the way I'm feeling. Last night was a new low, I felt resentment and sadness, not what I'd expect from being a new mum.
I just want it to get better.

dizzy. Sorryyou had such a bad frustrating night. Speaking for myself, the disturbed nights were the worst thing for me, enough to drive a sane person do-lally.

What I am going to advise is easier said than done, and is a process : The reason it is so hard to adjust to the early bit is that is a process of letting go of what our lives used to be like and of accepting that it will be mad for a while. Later on we can impose more of how we want things to be ......

I know exactly how you feel about "not what I expected", resentment etc but bear in mind there is a great deal of myth about how wonderful the first few weeks are. I do know people who were absolutely smitten with their first DC, but I know many more who felt like you. This does not mean you do not love her. Please don't add guilt to your feelings (if you are ?).

It WILL get better. You are doing exactly the right thing in talking to your GP/HV. Also, keep talking to your DH. xx

dizzy, I'm sorry you're feeling so crap. I know what you mean about the resentment, you're certainly not alone in that and it's perfectly normal to feel that way - after all sleep deprivation is a killer. Can your DH do some of the night stuff or are you breastfeeding? Could you express and let him get up at least once. Dh and I used to split the night feeds - he'd do late evening and first night feed while I'd do second night feed and morning so we'd each get at least a few hours uninterrupted. Defo talk to your HV and try and get to a baby group. Whereabouts are you? Maybe one of us is local!

Yes, don't try and do all the night feeds (you are bottle feeding aren't you ?)

cross posted there - second what Jamie said about guilt. There's a load of bull talked about the wonder and contentment of having a baby. There will be moments like that but it's mostly just bloody hard work to start with. Don't feel that you're somehow doing things wrong!

I used to feel that ANYONE else could do it better than me. . I remember going out on around day 5 on my own to register his birth (leaving him with my mum), and honestly not wanting to come back .....

If you need help, ask for it. I found that terribly hard.

Keep talking to us. I wish I'd had MN when DS1 was little.

Lack of sleep is awful and you only realise how awful when you finally get a few good hours stretch of sleep and you wake feeling like a different person... this will happen for you again although it doesn't feel that way now. Sometimes it feels counter intitive as you want to fight for bits of your old life which involved simple and very reasonable things like going out during the day (when baby happens to sleep) - but then sometimes to cope with the lack of sleep it might help to say for a few days at least I will work to my babies timetable with a view to getting myself some sleep. If that means staying in and not going out during the day so I can get to bed when baby is asleep I will do that for a few days and see if i can get myself some more sleep. I admit it is a bit of a balance because you don't want to end up feeling chained to staying at home just to snatch a bit of sleep when it happens and sometimes going out can make you feel better. In the early days I remember hoping for a babysitter just for an hour or two, not to go out and paint the town red but simply to get my head down on the pillow for an hour or two (although you have to be out of earshot of the baby in these circumstances as you cannot relax if you can still hear them crying and do not 100% trust the babysitter...)

oh dizzy....you are doing all the right things, never fear, youve listened to us all....and the resounding response of everyone agreeing how mad these first few weeks are is amazing...i truely thought i was the only one going through it at the time...amazing!

now, its a different story, but do talk to your HV, they are there to help and will. You have also said that you are bottle feeding so please get DH to do some of the feeds. even if you are not sleeping, lying somewhere with your eyes closed and trying to be relaxed is the next best thing.

Please keep us all informed, and as boundry said, where are you?? we could be local and come and give moral support for when DH goes back to work.

sending lots of hugs and chocolate ((( )))

How are you today Dizzy?

How are you doing today, Dizzy. Did you have a good chat with your HV?

I had PND after the birth of DS and took some time to accept that my feelings were valid, even if they were negative ones. The other posters are right, there is so much pressure on young mums now to be perfect from day one.

In Germany (where I had my DC) they still talk about the Wochenbett, the 4 - 6 weeks after the birth where mum should stay in bed. Not literally perhaps, but keep visitors to a minimum if you don't feel up to it. Get friends to help with housework/cooking/ironing when they come around or bring you some shopping. Basically put yourself and the needs of your baby first.

Hi ladies, I'm ok today, pretty much the same as I have been.My DP has been doing loads, but he's back to work next week, he does pretty long days. The HV came yesterday and I had a chat with her, she said it may be a little early to diagnose PND so she says to leave it for another couple of weeks but reassured me my feelings were normal.
I decided to make an appointment with the doctor for tomorrow morning so i may mention it to him.
Last night was probably the worst night we've had with her. She woke more or less all day and night every 2 hours for feeds etc, today she has slept when we took her out in car for a few hours and again this afternoon. My DP's mum is helping us out tonight and we have also on the advice of the midwife got some faster flow teats for her bottle to see if she'll take more at bottle time so we'll see how that goes. Hopefully i'll get caught up on some sleep tonight. I'm hoping something will fall in to place soon, I found tip of settling dd on my bare chest good but then she didn't like going into her basket again no matter how long I waited after she fell asleep, really not sure what to do about that one....

Saw earlier you had tried a dummy but she kept spitting it out. My dd did this and I was advised to try a few different ones. It turned out she didn't like the orthodontic silicone ones but gobbled up the cherry shaped latex ones. Hope that helps. I know this link is for bf , but it tell you a bit about growth spurt timingshere. some of these growth spurts are mental rather than physical, so their brains keep them awake as they spurt away!
I also had trouble bf at first, and although I did manage it eventually I can remember how much it took out of me emotionally trying, it really added to the stress of those first weeks. I also remember my sister coming round to help and me saying "right, I just need to have some breakfast now" and her saying' "you might as well make it lunch, it's half past 12!"

Hi dizzy Hope the faster teats work. Do you think you'll mention anaemia to the GP as well ?

Something else to try (but check with HV or GP first, cos I'm out of date) - DS2 really didn't like to be on his back, so I'd prop him on his side. This got him settled. Soon as he was able to roll, he'd sleep on his front (still does!).

Also, I'm going to say something else that's a bit controversial (!), which is that, for me sleep got better when DS1 moved into his own room (at 4 weeks in my case). I found that the quality of sleep I got was better as I was more relaxed. Also, you are not inclined to wake for every whimper, and you only get up when the baby is crying. Since you are bottle feeding, there's no real advantage to feeding in bed. Believe it or not, some babies are able to self- settle if left for a few moments. For this reason, we slept DS2 in his own room right from the beginning and he was a much, much better sleeper right from the beginning (could be coincidence , I know ....)

NOTE: I am not advocating "leaving to cry" .

Hey, Dizzy. Hope you had a better night last night.

We had the same experience as Jamie with regard to settling the baby into her own cot from the beginning. We put DD in her cot right from the beginning, as we were told that it was good for her to self settle (not cry herself to sleep) so that when she wakens she is not upset to be alone somewhere strange.

I would feed her then put her in her cot, speak to her for a moment or two, sing a song then spin her mobile. She would watch the mobile for a while then fall asleep.

I know that not every baby likes this, but it is something to consider.

Phew Mdme Thought I was going to get jumped on

No, I did the same as boht of you too!!....If i could put her down, I would. If she cried though (crying not a wimper) I wouold pick her up again. Its something the baby whisperer said. Sometimes I'd be picking her up about 14 times in the space of an hour, but a couple of weeks of doing that...I think she got to realise that if I put her down it wasnt too bad and I wouldnt be too far away. Having said that I still get bad nights where nothing works and she will cry/not sleep/need a cuddle.

People should be made aware of it as part of thier ante-natal lessons, babies will not sleep all night, and if they do, they wont do it all the time.....

Dizzy, I hope you are feeling somewhat better about this. Have you tried any anti-colic stuff?? Hows the faster flow going?? and whilst you DH is around I hope that you are taking full advantage of the fact.....someone mentioned about resting/sleeping somewhere away from the baby for a few hours to get some proper rest....i thought that was great advice, any chance of you doing that??

I'm feeling bolder now dizzy, so am prepared to mention She-whose-Name-is-Unmentionable .

The Fordster talks about listening out for you child's cry. Sometimes it starts and the ratchets up, getting higher pitched and more insistent. But sometimes, if you leave it for a couple of minutes you can hear the cry "winding down" and then stopping. Sometimes babies get over-stimulated by a lot of holding and jogging (some love to be jogged quite vigourously - you'll get to know which yours is.

If you are finding yourself getting frustrated, handover to someone else for a while. Another thing my DH used to do (he's better at relaxing than me anyway), is when he was holding the boys, to consciously raise and lower his shoulders and let out a big sigh to relax himself if he was getting tense at bedtime or in the middle of the night.

Hope this helps ...

Sorry, not very clear - the first bit of my post - about crying, was referring to when you put her down for a nap or bed /middle of night.

That last bit just reminded me, when I was having a bit of trouble getting dd to sleep, I'd lay her on me and breathe in and out deeply. Often she would nod off from the rise and fall of my breathing pattern.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/851195-Am-I-being-unreasonable-about-sleep?pg=12 dizzy, please look at mananny (sp?) points in particular...not sure if any of this will help if youre feeling like you do now, but has some great advice....hope youre feeling stringer today...x