New mum needs a bit of help

[dizzytrout]

Hi there,
I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl 9 days ago, I ended up having an emergenct C-section and staying in hospital for 4 days so we just got home last Tuesday.
I started feeling a little down, as I know is normal with the baby blues, but it seems to be sticking around longer than I thought.
I'm still feeling really teary and I don't feel that I'm bonding properly with my baby.
She likes being held, as all new babies do, but she cries a lot when we try to put her in her moses basket, I've tried everything from swaddling to warming the moses basket, but it's quite unpredictable, sometimes she goes down ok, others she doesn't.
The thing is that I've started to dread the evenings, last night it took 4 hours to settle her and when I look at her I love her, but I just feel so anxious. I cry about almost everything and I suppose I just need a bit of reassurance that everything is normal.

I could have written your post myself, dizzy, 9 years ago now .....

I also had a CS and couldn't breastfeed. I absolutely dreaded bedtimes, as you say. I was very anxious, with the recurring thought "I don't know what I'm doing", "I don't know what he wants".

Second time around I saw how hard I had found it to relax and get to know my baby. With DS1 it was a process of falling in love. With DS2 it was instant. I know I am not the only one who felt like this.

I can't really add to the excellent thoughts on here, except to say that you will go on to become a different version of yourself. It is a process of realising that you can no longer control everything. It's really early days so try not to worry about routines and the future. I found the routine thing really useful when DS1 was around 4-6 weeks old, and awake more in the day. Oh, BTW, when your baby first smiles (around 6 weeks old-ish), it will ALL become worth it ....

um i have to say the first 6 weeks with a newbie is not always a huge amount of fun.

very little IMO

and a hormonal rollercoaster of the worst kind.

on top of everyone elses advice: this will all pass.

i think it was 6 weeks before dd stopped looking like an alien...

I agree Edgar

And I feel - very strongly - that antenatal classes should focus less on birth, and more on what to expect in the first few weeks of having the baby...

Nothing to add to the escellent things others have said, but I do remember the best piece of advice I got after the birth of my first was when I phoned my cousin (3 kids - inc twins) and said I just couldn't stop crying and she just said 'that is just totally normal, let it all out, it's the ones who never cry who end up climbing the walls at 3 months'.

I have 2 now - beautiful girls, 2 CS deliveries - and would say that both times I felt overwhelmed after their births - the responsibility for this tiny beautiful human just seems too much - but it does get so so much better than these first crazy weeks and you will sit down with you DP and laugh about this time in the future! My Mum calls the postpartum period 'natures contraceptive'!

I too missed my husband in the first bit but, once you get the evenings back, you start to feel more like a couple again and less like baby carers.

I also have a theory that babies have an in-built mechanism that allows them to push and push their poor parents to the very verge of collapse. Then when the parents feel that they have reached the absolute end of their ability to cope, the baby delivers their first smile, or sleeps for a solid 6 hours one night, and suddenly all seems right with the world and parents are able to cope once more.
How do they do it?

Dizzytrout
A crash section is when there is no time to put an epidural in, when the CS is done under GA in a ER kind of a mad rush way. This was my experience with DS and it took some coming to terms with.

Any section is traumatic when unexpected. It is just not what you had geared yourself up for all those months. It is more clinical that a VB and it took me longer to recover. I had a VB with my first child, I was up and about within an hour or so of giving birth.

After the section I was unable to get out of bed unaided for days. (some of that would be due to the General Anasthetic)

As everyone has said, the first weeks are overwhelming. Make sure that you take the time to recover. Don't feel that you have to put on a brave face and have lots of visitors around if you don't want them.

And if they do come, ask them to do some ironing and make the tea.

Get the HV to check whether you are anaemic, too, and if you are, take it seriously.

I was anaemic after DS1 (CS), but just took Floradix intermittently when I remembered. Anaemic, too after DS2 (VB), and had to have a blood transfusion. I wonder how much of the tiredness in the early days of DS1 was due to anaemia.

I can't thank you all enough for your replies, it's really helping to hear from other people with simlar experiences.
Having a pretty bad day again today, just feeling pretty spaced out and there's that sickly anxious feeling going on in the background - it'll be nice to be able to relax again soon I hope and enjoy my baby.
My DP is going back to work next week, I will really miss him being here but I'm going to try and get out of the house as much as I can by going to some local mother and baby groups and I'm hoping to join a slimming club to help me lose weight but mainly because it will get me interacting with people and it's fun.
I might try and get something nice done next week like a quick hair cut.

Good that you are planning to go out x

dizzy, I didn't feel that the cs had affected me either, it was only weeks (maybe months) later that I started to realise it had been a major factor in how I coped in the early days. I wasn't upset as such, but I was really dwelling on it. I had a debrief with a midwife about a month ago (DS is 8 months now) and it's helped massively. It may not be the case for you but it's worth bearing in mind for when your head's cleared a bit.

All the best!

Definitely get out and about. Just going for a walk made me feel better, lots of fresh air and DS would sleep in the buggy.

Make sure you eat properly too. My appetite totally went when I was anxious which made everything worse. For a while I had my main meal at lunchtime so that in the evening, when it all got a big much, I just had to have a sandwich or something.

Just wanted to say that I felt exactly the same as you after the birth of my first child, dizzytrout - anxious, overwhelmed, exhausted. All normal, especially when you are recovering from a c-section. My best advice for you is to keep coming to MN moral support and practical advice. Many of us (most of us?) have been there and have the (sick-stained) tee shirt, and are only too happy to offer a bit of a shoulder to cry on and any help we can give

Huge hugs to you. xxx

have you gone through the there but not there walking through treacle bit yet? [always got me in the night]
Yes to getting out, but please be aware that you may only manage to the end of the road and back. For me the fist week or two has been end of the road and back, and I didn't have a cs. But any time out is good, perhaps work it into a routine so you have something to work towards that isn't nappy or feed related. Am impressed you are thinking about getting your hair cut, or is it a friend who could come to you?
It is about now that the phrase take it one day at a time really means something.

I'm not sure what the walking through treacle bit is Twit, but it sure sounds like something familiar! I live really near to the hairdressers so it's just a quick walk there.
I was reading a thread from earlier on in the year by Roopoo and it has certainly rang some alarm bells with me, it's very similar to how I'm feeling so I've decided to make an appointment with the doctor when i'm there tomorrow. I reallise this may be the baby blues and could just go in a week or so, but I'm feeling myself slide into a depression and I need help to get out of it before it takes hold of me.

Good for you. You sound on top of things. Don't feel bad about however you are feeling.

Oh, remembered a piece of advice my friend gave to my DH before DS1 was born :

"Take the baby away" (from time to time)

boundary I also had a debrief about the CS, in my case in preparation for the birth of DS2, 2.5 years later.

It really helped and I wished I'd done it earlier. I didn't realise how much I hadn't understood about what had happened.

Someone told me to imagine your life completely broken down, so even the simplest things eg having a shower, time to make a cup of tea would be a struggle. And retreating completely from the real world for a bit. So almost start again from scratch after a month or so and building life back up again. Is 10 times worse after c/s cos physically you will be weak and in pain (I remember it took a couple of weeks before I could lie flat in bed without my insides swimming about inside me.....)

17 weeks in now and it's all fallen into place, just a matter of learning new skills and setting new ways of doing things. I have to get out of the house every day for at least 3 hours, I run out of things to do with DD by lunchtime. Walk, sit in cafe with book / screaming baby all good and meeting other people definitely great also.

Also when you are ready it's good to have time for yourself doing things you did before you were pg. Helps you feel like a separate being again. I drag myself out one evening a week but am always glad I have.

where you can't move properly, you can't hear properly, you feel kinda numb and you feel like you're dreaming that you are up and moving around.

I always think it's a good sign if you can recognise that you are feeling down, and could be getting worse and get help. iyswim.
Sometimes all it takes is a sunny day and some fresh air, other times you need to rant talk, which is why mn is great.

I cried every day for three weeks - it's normal. I imagine having an emergency c-section (I had an elective) is a shock in itself, so you must be reeling from the whole experience still in many different ways.

Try not to feel that you have to do anything in any particular way - it's such early days and all that matters is that you both relax into it and get to know each other. Invest in a good sling so you can wear her around the house when she's unsettled, and just focus on doing whatever works for you both/all three. Congratulations, by the way!

Dizzy - Im so sorry that youre feeling this way, it really take sthe sting out of what I thought was going to be the most amazing bit of motherhood...finally going home with your baby.

Please, please, please, please do NOT feel bad about giving your baby bottles, as long as she is eating is the main thing...I remember feeling so guilty (and now sometimes too!) about giving my baby bottle...I had my heart set on EBF for 6 months...but if you cant, you cant....now I am feeling guilty for feeding my baby packets/jars instead of cooking from scratch.

Then comes the colic....what type of formula are you on? Sometimes makes a difference, Is she burping well? If not, then maybe try infacol, I had days/nights/weeks of not sleeping and walking around my living room like a loon trying to put "this blasted baby" down for the night....exhausted and emotionally drained, I would fall asleep on the sofa with her between my legs (lots of cushions around us, but still, unadvised!!)

Crying through exhaustion, tiredness and the feeling of helplessness is that PND or is it just motherhood???

I agree on the sling thing and also, if you can go and have your hair done, do it, anything to perk you up and make you feel lovely is worth it...coz you are, you have just done the most amazing thing in the world...

(oh yeah and by the way, this is after VB, nothing like the trauma of ECS and still, crying and hormanal nutjob!!)

I'm kind of getting used to giving her bottles now, as you said the main thing is that she is eating, I guess it just wans't meant to be that I bf.
I thought at first that what I was feeling was just the blues, but she is 10 days old now and there's no sign of this getting any better, if anything i've noticed today how bad I feel.
One of the sad things is that I seem to have ended up just getting her from one sleep to the next, it's like my main aim is to get her to sleep, I'm more on edge when she's awake and it's almost taking over my joy of being a mum. She woke up an hour ago so I fed her, winded her, changed her and when she started to get sleepy I put her down for a sleep and felt relieved. That was about 5 or 10 minutes ago and now I can hear her hiccuping and I'm praying it doesn't disturb her enough to wake her as I won't know what else to do to settle her.

Have you taken her outside yet?? I thought you were meant to wait, but if you make sure she is all nice and warm and snuggly then that might do both of you good, i know it did for me....also the bouncy chairs are great too, (someone else put that, sorry cant remember who), I used to feed, try to burp, cuddle, bouncer, cuddle, bouncer, sleep....ad infinitum.

Plus, it took me at least a month to realise how mad I was feeling...i know it doesnt feel like it now, but you are in touch with your feeling and go with it...not too far, but go with it...you are exhausted and hormaonal and wonderful all at the same time....your body has gone through an amazing process for near on a year (40 weeks + 10 days)!

Again, what formula are you using, how much and how often, does she burp easily and does she cry after feeds...also how many poos does she do??

I've taken her out a few times and it does settle her. It's just times like now when she's been awake for 3 1/2 hours crying because she's overtired and I've tried everything I can, her dad is currently trying the car seat to get her to sleep. She doesn't like her bouncer or baby gym, occasionally she'll go in for ten mins but cries after a while.
I give her aptimil formula (both powder and ready made cartons occasionally), she takes between 2 and 4 fl oz every 3 to 4 hours, so she's regular. She hardly cries after a feed, just on these occasions when nothing will settle her (we've only had this on a few days so far). She has one or 2 poos a day, has gone maybe a day with none so far. She doesn't really burp much when I wnd her but she does pump an awful lot.

Dizzy
Babies often go through a growth spurt at about a week to 10 days old, which might mean that she is a bit unsettled and need more feeds.

She may have another one at 3 weeks then more later, I cannot remember all the dates, but you can google them.

If you feel that she is still hungry then give her some more milk, a growth spurt typically lasts a few days.

Aside from that, I think that you have made the right decision to speak to your GP about your feelings. PND is not uncommon, particularly after a traumatic birth and it is important that it is properly treated.

I am glad to hear that you have such a supportive DH.

Nothing further to add really - lots of good advice already. Don't worry about going straight to sleep from feeding her, they're not very active in the early days/weeks!

Overtiredness in babies is the worst and I do pretty much anything to avoid it. You'll find out what your DD likes over the coming weeks which helps. Our DD only likes going out in the car at 60mph+ and likes to be held upright (higher the better), not horizontal and pref you have to stand up so she's next to the patio doors!!

You seem to be doing a great job, please try not to worry and I hope your GP and HV can help too.