New mum needs a bit of help

[dizzytrout]

Hi there,
I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl 9 days ago, I ended up having an emergenct C-section and staying in hospital for 4 days so we just got home last Tuesday.
I started feeling a little down, as I know is normal with the baby blues, but it seems to be sticking around longer than I thought.
I'm still feeling really teary and I don't feel that I'm bonding properly with my baby.
She likes being held, as all new babies do, but she cries a lot when we try to put her in her moses basket, I've tried everything from swaddling to warming the moses basket, but it's quite unpredictable, sometimes she goes down ok, others she doesn't.
The thing is that I've started to dread the evenings, last night it took 4 hours to settle her and when I look at her I love her, but I just feel so anxious. I cry about almost everything and I suppose I just need a bit of reassurance that everything is normal.

Thank you, I'd really like to come if I'm feeling up to it, I'll have to check with everyone just in case, I know the 5th rings a bell for some reason, I think my MIL's Christmas meal is then and we said we'd look after her Fosterchild if she has one then, I will definately check though. That's really kind, thank you

hope you can come
we also meet up faitly regularly, someone more organised than me usually organises it

Yay Stealth! dizzy - you couldn't be much further away ....

And dizzy - meeting other mums will help - just look for someone who is on her own and tell her that her baby has beautiful eyes - works as an ice breaker every time !

but...but...my baby does have beautiful eyes!
oh
fancy meeting up before then dizzy? can do tomorrow or next friday?
if you're interested i'll send you my email

No no no - my baby has beautiful eyes - you just think your baby has beautiful eyes

it's an extension of the PN ward "what a coincidence that all other newborns look like wrinkled aliens, apart from my beautiful baby"

My DS1 looked like a swollen testicle when he came out. Nine years later, I am prepared to admit it .....

Yes please do send me your e-mail, that would be great, next friday would be really good, I'm not able to drive yet due to C secton but I can get bus. Thank you x

Just thought I'd post an update...
I went to see the Doctor on Thursday and she diagnosed PND, she prescribed citalopram so I started taking them straight away. I haven't noticed any difference yet but she did say they would take up to 2 weeks to get into my system.
Had some more help over the weekend from MIL and DD has been eating a bit more so some of her sleeps have been longer, but she's still fighting her sleep and getting over tired a couple of times a day.
I've been dreading today as the start of another long week ahead and I'm still feeling really desperate but i'm really hoping to notice a change soon.

Hi Dizzy,

Glad you're keeping us updated. It's going to be a long old slog ahead of you, and the pills will help. Motherhood is the hardest thing I've ever encountered and even 7 months down the line I still feel totally amazed I've got this far.

Never fear, we're all here 100% behind you..you may be alone in the house, but you're not alone in the WWW. Ah the beauty of MN eh??

Take a big hug from me (( )) and "speak" soon...x

Hey Dizzy - I've only just seen this thread and it seems like there has been lots of advice and support already. My son is just a little over 3 months and I've just been diagnosed with PND (I had baby blues that went away and then seemed to come back in abundance recently!) I just spoke to a friend tonight who was also diagnosed and only had the courage to seek help from her GP when her daughter was a year old so good on you for tackling it now. She also took the same pills (I've been prescribed the same thing and yet somehow cannot bring myself to go and get the prescription!) but she tells me that they worked wonders for her and helped enormously. If you're like me there are good days and bad days, but I know that like you it will all come good in the end - like my hubby keeps saying to me "stop putting pressure on yourself" and I think that's a big part of it - trying to be the perfect Mum. Children appear not to have any real recollection of their first 3 years for a reason - to allow us to make some mistakes without them really noticing! Keep it up - I'm sure you're doing an amazing job x

Hi Dizzy,

Congratulations on having a beautiful baby.

I know it is hard, my daughter is now eight months and everything has settled down but I remember how tough the first 6 weeks were. Its all so new and scary and you are tense all the time because you love you baby so much and you want to do the best for them and you don't always understand what they want or need and that's frustrating and normal but it gets better because you will get to know her and with guess work figure out what she wants most of the time.

For me things turned around at 6 weeks when I started putting her to bed at 7 and getting into a routine. I had resisted routines initially but I was so desperate and tired and with breastfeeding I was up regularly so I needed to try something! For me it worked, but because I knew my baby by then I could pick the elements of routines from books by people like Gina Ford that suited my daughter. I would not suggest routines yet, get to know her better first, she is changing so rapidly but when you do think of routines find one that seems to fit her current patterns. I realised that she was fractious in the evening because she was tired and when I put her to bed at 7 I had no problems but when I waited until 10 she was over tired and very hard to settle. My midwife also suggested expressing and giving her a top-up of breast milk before bed and this helped her to sleep for 3 hours when she first went down (normally she fed every 2 hours). Getting her to bed at 7 saved my sanity, gave me some time to relax and my husband and I time together, it helped me get back to feeling like the old me.

You will get there, its hard at first but once you both settle into it it will get better, now I can hardly remember what those first 6 weeks were like.

Try rocking her in a tight swaddle and then putting her in a warm, cosy moses basket with a muslin that you have stuffed down your bra previously so it will have your smell on it.

Also would you consider a sling? The best sort are woven wrap slings or mei tais.

Oh and I got a CD with white noise on. It was excellent for helping DS settle.

HI Dizzy - this reminds me so much of what I went though nearly a year ago. We tried many things to settle DD. Infacol and gripe water (when old enough) for wind. Dr Brown bottles too (I couldn't produce enough milk to feed her so she ended up with de-hydration in hospital - major guilt trip).

Infant Gaviscon for reflux - for although she didn't posset, she arched her back and screamed whenever we tried to lie her on her back to sleep. (Gaviscon made DD constipated, so we had to water to the formula). She grew out of reflux at about 4 months.

And Cranial osteopathy as we had a ventouse delivery and her head sore, apparantly it doesn't do any harm, and felt as though we were doing something positive! Is also supposed to help with teething later on...and maybe it did! It certainly seemed to help with the release of wind after 3 - 4 sessions...but there was loads of screaming at nap / night time, but it gradually gets better. You can see we got fairly desperate to stop the howling. Sometime I think she cried because she was exhausted.

DD is now a very contended little person, but it was a gradual process - I think the wind side of things got better with cranial osteopathy, and also once she became more mobile and could wiggle / roll around and release the wind on her own.

I really hope the tablets help you - DH has had those in the past - they took several weeks to work. He found it very hard to wake up properly in the mornings after a while which he found frustrating as he is more of a morning person, but they definately helped him.

Lots of hugs.

Hi dizzy - thanks so much for updating us. I'm glad you got some help from the GP. No experience of anti-deps, but hope they help. Wondered if you'd met up with Stealth .....

Hi Dizzy just read your thread and wanted to say I could have written your post after my DD was born in April. The anxiety/boredom/lack of sleep was totally overwhelming and I felt total panic when left alone with the baby, especially when she was crying, which was a lot of the time, I just didn't know what to do. I really wanted someone (anyone!) to rescue me.

I woke up every morning with a sense of dread and really thought that I should never have had a child as I was essentially a selfish cow who just wanted her old life back. I also completely lost my sense of humour, and HATED my DP (I found him utterly intolerable and am ashamed to admit I punched him in his sleep once...how dare he sleep!!!)

Also I hated going to mother and baby groups as I felt such a failure and couldn't seem to coo/cuddle/cope as much as everyone else. I couldn't even put the baby in a sling without almost dropping her...

As everyone has said it did get a bit easier after 12 weeks when the colic subsided, but I still felt rubbish and teary. At 4 months it got easier still but my mood didn't lift. But at 5 months I was diagnosed with PND and now, after a month and a half of taking anti-depressants I feel like a completely different person (well a bit like my old self+actually being a mum IYSWIM) and I'm starting to love this new way of being, and I absolutely love my DD, and even my poor DP - much to his and my relief!

IME the first 4-6 months were AWFUL, and I really don't know if I could ever do it again...although I'd love a sibling for DD, and of course having been through it once maybe it wouldn't seem so alien next time round .

So I hope things get better for you, as they have for me. I can actually relax now and even think and talk about other things... even on four hours sleep a night .

Good luck, your doing fab, and take care of yourself as well as the wee one.

Glad to see that you are getting some help both in RL and here on MN. Hope you can make it to a MN meetup.

kitty Felt very much like you with my first. i especially identify with what you say about feeling inadequate compared to others.

9 years down the line, me and my friends sometimes talk about those early days and it is amazing how many others were putting a brave face on. Yes, there are some who are very comfortable and loved up with their babies, but they aren't by any means a huge majority. I'm sure your story will help dizzy.

And I would say to you that my second experience of motherhood was completely different (and i considered only having one child). Felt so much more confident with DS2 and bonded much quicker. Never had those "I don't know what I'm doing" thoughts. No lasting effects on my relationship with DS1 though, just a shame we have to go through it the first time ....

Hello Dizzy I don't know if your still checking this post but I had my DS 3 weeks ago now and he doesn't like to be put down at all- even at night so I have been co-sleeping- which I am happy to do but was in no way planning. I am an over emotional person at the best of times and am close to tears a lot. I found it wasn't the baby that made me feel like this as much as dealing with my own and other peoples expectations. I had naively assumed that the baby would go to sleep (with some persuasion) in his moses basket at points through the day and at night- this has not been the experience so far. Peoples comments like 'your making a rod for your own back' 'you should put him down' or 'you shouldn't do that" when I did pick him back up when he was screaming were the things that made me feel so sad. I posted on here and was overwhelmed by the support I was offered. What I have taken from the advice is that you just have to be gentle with yourself and do what feels right- whatever that means to you. I have taken to reading as many baby books as I can but mainly the ones that I know support my instincts as it just helps me feel more secure in my choices.
I am besotted in my DS but I had to adjust my own expectations and I can't imagine I will regret cuddling him too much but I think I would feel guilty if I felt I hadn't.
I hope things are beginning to feel better- but I am sure you are doing just what you baby needs- we're new at this we need to give ourselves a chance!!!

Kitty, thank you for sharing your experience, that's exactly how I feel, waking up in the morning with a sense of dread, wondering if I should have had a baby and pining for my old life - it's good to hear others who have come out the other side smiling.
Jamie and MmeLindt, thankyou for taking the time to post to see how I am. I am meeting up with Stealth on Friday, along with someone else from the area I think, I'm a little nervous but glad to get out and speak to adults! I've been taking the anti-depressants for nearly 2 weeks now and although they're not quite working yet, I have had a couple of good days amongst the bad - admittedly they were when my DP was here at the weekend, but it's still progress. Nappyaddict and Littlemai, thank you too, I did try a lot of different things including Co sleeping, but I'm glad to say this has settled down a little now - dd has got used to being put down more and half the time settles well, she does make a lot of grunting noises which has made me think she's uncomfortable in some way, but she is sleeping. We still have days when she fights her sleep all day and is up for 6 hours at a time, by this time she is over tired and is really really hard to settle, but we have had a lot of days when she's napped and slept ok at night.
Thank you Missflora, I have been seriously considering Cranial Osteopathy as I've read about people on mumsnet using it, I am going to look into it. Did you mean your DD cried a lot after the CO for a while or before and the CO helped?
Kingbang, thankyou for your lovely message. SarahHW, thankyou, I have been trying to do bath bottle and bed at roughly the same time every night and I think with perseverence it is working slowly, which books have you read?
Theboosh, thank you for posting, I'm glad you've seen someone too, I recognised that I wasn't feeling right and luckily saw someone before it got worse, I know it's going to be a bit of a long hard slog ahead, but at least I know I'm doing all I can to get better. At the moment the weeks ahead just seem daunting with nothing to look forward to, I'm even dreading christmas and I usually love it - I know in time things will get better and I'm clinging on to that with both hands xx

Glad to hear you sounding a bit more happy.

You will see that things will start to settle down, and that you will enjoy your baby more.

The little grunts and snuffles are normal, and quite sweet really. We moved DD out of our room eventually as she was keeping us awake with her strange wee noises. I don't think that they are uncomfortable, perhaps just dreaming and processing what they have experienced that day.

Hi Dizzy - sounds like you are doing absolutely all the right things and getting lots of sound advice from here...just keep taking each day/hour as it comes, sod the housework and get as much sleep as you can. My doctor has been really helpful and supportive, which I hope yours is too.

Jamie just out of interest how long did it take you to decide to have your second dc? Don't think I'm quite ready to make that decision just yet!!

Oh, I've so been there.... All I can say is, it gets easier, much, much easier. All I did for the first 6 weeks was cry. It was just all so much harder than I imagined! If anyone offers you help, take it! If not, then just sleep when she sleeps. When she gives you a first smile, it will all seem worth it, trust me! xx

Gosh- It's such a big shock becoming a mum and I can identify a lot with what you say.

I think that the reason why they take so long to settle in the evening is cluster feeding (if breast feeding) and/or colic. Plenty of winding is normal.

It DOES get easier although life will never bethe same again but I took a little while to bond with dd afetr c section. Love her to bits.

When your baby is older try going out in the evning occasionally. You will feel human again.