New mum needs a bit of help

[dizzytrout]

Hi there,
I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl 9 days ago, I ended up having an emergenct C-section and staying in hospital for 4 days so we just got home last Tuesday.
I started feeling a little down, as I know is normal with the baby blues, but it seems to be sticking around longer than I thought.
I'm still feeling really teary and I don't feel that I'm bonding properly with my baby.
She likes being held, as all new babies do, but she cries a lot when we try to put her in her moses basket, I've tried everything from swaddling to warming the moses basket, but it's quite unpredictable, sometimes she goes down ok, others she doesn't.
The thing is that I've started to dread the evenings, last night it took 4 hours to settle her and when I look at her I love her, but I just feel so anxious. I cry about almost everything and I suppose I just need a bit of reassurance that everything is normal.

dizzy You are sounding a bit better - and you should be justly proud of yourself.

kitty I was aiming for a 3 year age gap, but got pg straight away., so mine are 2 years 7 months apart. My decision was a bit complicated because throughout DS1s late babyhood DHs mother was dying, and it took up a lot of our thoughts and time (naturally). She died when DS1 was 22 months and i think we both just wanted to get on with having a new baby - to move forward. The fact that it happened quicker than expected was a big shock and took me a while to get used to.

I wouldn't have wanted a smaller gap because I was just starting to feel like myself again, and a bigger gap might have meant that going back into the hard baby bit (lack of sleep etc) might have been more of a shock. The first year was very hard, but the baby was not the hard bit - I really enjoyed him in a way I had not my first (sadly). BUT it all came good and I am very grateful and happy to have 2 boys now. I don't think anything prepares you for your first baby .....

Dizzy,

I have also been where you are now. In fact, I was hospitalised in 2006 in a mother/baby unit for 6 weeks with my son when he was 6 weeks old.

New motherhood is such a shock physically, emotionally, hormonally and we all respond in different ways.

Anyway, to keep it short I just wanted to reiterate that is DOES get better. So much better, in fact, that I am expecting our 3rd next year . One of the most fearful things for me was not knowing if or when the anxiety/weirdness would end and I would return to being me. So I just wanted to reassure you it DOES end, it might take a few months, but you will feel like 'you' again and you will have a fab time being a mum.

Hang in there.

PP

It was lovely to meet you and little E today :D Hope to see you at Xmas!!

Thankyou Posh, Jamie and Pinky, I am feeling a lot better, having more good days now.
Juneybean, it was lovely to meet you too, I had a really nice time and would love to meet up again

Hi
Our daughter cried all evening from 5pm - 1am, from about 3 weeks till 9 weeks ish. Now think it was colic but it was so awful as she would almost drop off and then "wham!" wide awake screaming. She only slept once in the early evening all that time and we were on our knees. Had a few sessions with Cranial osteopath at about 8 weeks which maybe helped. Then things improved so quickly. By 12 weeks she was sleeping from 7 till 7 and has done ever since (now 13months). Things will improve. We bought a sling chair which played a monotonous tune and that seemed to ease the intensity of the screams a bit. Such a difficult time but now she is a breeze....Stick with it
Rachel

hi dizzy,
reading your post has made me join mumsnet just to reply! congratulations on your new baby, I couldve written your post, i had an emergency c section just over 2 weeks ago after a 10 hr labour, and am still finding it difficut to process. You have no time to work through what happened and how you feel about it, because you immediatly have a baby to look after. I clicked on the discussion link because the evenings are our most difficult time, as our baby cries a lot at this time, and i too feel im missing my dh. I am also finding it hard as its winter, and the dark seems to last forever. I find getting out even just for 1/2 hour with baby in the daytime helps Im afraid I havent got any answers for you, im still looking for them myself! but i find it helps so much to know that what you are experiencing is normal, your baby is normal, and there r people who empathise with you.Keep talking to those you know who have been there before you, and dont be afraid to admit you're finding it tough. Good luck!

Hello again everyone,
I just wanted to post an update before christmas, firstly to thank everyone so so much for their help and support, you have all been fantastic. Babeecakes, thank you for your message, I hope you're feeling better too
I also wanted to say how much better things are and how things have improved a million times over in the past few weeks - I hope this thread helps any other new mums who are feeling the way I was, because 6 weeks ago I wouldn't have dreamed I could be feeling this happy and contented with my new role as a mum.
Slowly but surely, things settled down (just as everyone said they would - it was quicker than I expected though!) DD has got herself into a little routine, it varies from day to day, but only wakes once in the night most of the time and is quite content a lot of the time. She has bad days and good days, as all babies do I guess, she's had a little cold for a couple of weeks now, which has made her cry a lot, but I can deal with it all without panicking now.
The main difference is the love I have for her has grown and grown so so much, I just sit and stare at her, we play together, she laughs and smiles, I'm so happy I'm her mummy and I love it. I feel really close to her now, which is lovely. My DP and I have a bit more time together in the evenings and have had one or two nights together thanks to grandma.
I was diagnosed with PND and started taking citalopram, which I am still taking, I'm not sure if it was the tablets that helped, I'm sure they have, but talking to the doctor definately did, talking to all of you definately did, so thank you so much. I hope you all have a very merry christmas xxxxxxx

I am so glad that you are feeling better. The love you feel for your DD is so clear and bright. How lovely.

Merry Christmas to you and your family too.

I've got a 14 week old and I just want to tell you something that I wish I'd known. It may not help you....may not be an issue.

When DS was in the first three weeks he just wouldn't be put down ever....he always cried and I would spend hours at night walking around trying to settle him. I couldn't work out what was wrong as he had been feeding all day all the time. It ended up being me not producing enough milk for him. At week 3 he had still not regained birth wait. As soon as I started giving him some formula he turned into a different baby. Just goes to sleep and hardly crys.

Totally not saying you should suppliment....but if I had it over again I would try and feed him even at the point that he couldn't possibly want more....because he did. And rather than ending up in hospital and having DR's make me give him formula every 3 hours I would just have given him a couple in the day while trying to increase my supply with a pump.

Well may be totally useless info....but just in case.

Big hugs.

Ahh sorry....didn't notice update. Doh!

yes, i gave birth on the 5th dec, and as soon as it get dark im crying and so upset. I feel down and low.
I think it also has to do with a little bit of seasonal affective disorder plus the lowering of the happy hormone progesterone that we have got used to for 9 months.

Im trying bach rescue remedy, along with my light box in the morning,...but i relate to your post 100 percent, i just hope it all passes, so im taking every hour and day at a time.

Dizzy

Your original October post sounded so close to my own experience with my first son. C-sections are major ops anyway and, based on my own experience of one emergency and one elective (deemed a high risk mother the seond time around!), I would say emergency ones definitely are tougher emotionally and physically. For me at least, it took much longer to recover physically and, even though I knew the emergency op was essential to keep me and my child alive, it wasn't the birth I'd planned so I was disappointed. However, I am sooooo relieved to read your December update and see that things are looking up. I have had PND each time (I am currently on sertraline) and it is really tough on you and those you love. At least now you can enjoy your baby - it took me some time with both my sons so I wish you all the luck in the world.

Ahava - I am sorry you are having a tough time. I hope that Dizzy's message and the other posts give you some hope and reassurance. My second son is now 7 months old and sleep has been getting better in the last 5 weeks. That certainly has helped my frame of mind! It has also helped me cut back on my growing addiction to Green & Blacks chocolate as a pick me up! Rescue remedy is good. I unfortunately had to resort to anti depressants but I know a lot of people have found homeopathic remedies helpful. I vaguely remember reading somewhere that one of the B vitamins is also good but I'm afraid I can't remember which one. Do you have a good health food shop near you? I really hope things look up for you soon

Sorry if this has already been suggested or seems really obvious, but we found a dummy made a big difference with DS. First two nights after getting home from hospital we were up until 6:30am as he would not settle to sleep whatever we did, just kept feeding and crying (I just thought he was extremely hungry, turns out he was comfort sucking!). Really didn't want to give a dummy so early as I read about how it can affect breastfeeding, however it really helped him sleep (and us - was very tired, stressed and hormonal at this point!). If your baby needs to comfort suck this might help, plus is supposed to help reduce risk of SIDS.

Hi everyone just joined mumsnet. I am so fascinated with everyones comments I HAD to join, I would say that to anyone in dizzys situation to just go with the flow, forget everyone and everything else for a while and just concentrate on your newborn. Believe me you will actually miss this time, when they are a newborn baby. Both my children were very unsettled in the first few months of life, tried all sorts, just used to go with my own intuition in the end rather than the controversial advise of other folks.

Enjoy your time with your baby, because you will not get it back and good luck with everything

please help. my 12 day old baby is so unsettled, i know it takes time but just dont seem to be making any progress, feels like black tunnel at minute. was advised to try dr brown bottles though dont see any benefits so far been using for over 24 hrs. mw said medium flow teat but using size 1 as not sure if size 2 would be too much for her, as recommended 3 months plus. was originally using size 2 avents. feel so useless just want to be able to help her, very squirmy, even think the wind she brings up, mens belches and lots of farting is distressing her soooo much . any help, please!!!

minnie7, 12 days old is very very little and it's normal for babies this young to be unsettled. Please tell us a bit more about your daughter's behaviour. Could it be hunger? Colic? reflux? getting used to being in the world?

Hi there
The first 2-3 weeks are tough and dreading the evenings is completely normal and as others have said, the sling is a life saver. I used the Tricotti I think it's called and it was a godsend.

Don't think about routines yet - carrying your baby will not make it more difficult further down the line. Stop thinking so much about how you feel - by that I mean everytime you catch yourself thinking about how rubbish you feel, go and distract yourself with something else. You REALLY will feel better in a week or so - promise.

And huge congratulations - it really does get better and better.

I had my daughter in Feb and am going through exactly the same thing! Sometimes baby settles like a dream and other times she just wants to be held and the minute we put her down she wakes up and takes ages to settle. I also ended up having a csection and know it can be difficult picking up the baby all time. All I can say is that 5 weeks in it does start to get better and you can predict when she is likely to settle and when not. Reading your message gave me reassure as well - that someone else's baby was doing the same thing!

Hi there. Congratulations on your new arrival. My son is now two and a half months - first baby and it is a complete shock to the system. It is hard to remember life before baby and the kind of person you were. The goalposts have changed but you haven't - you are the same person who is going to make a fabulous mother. As I am breast feeding I found that continuous feeding before bedtime seemed to work. I also did a lot of floor walking with a sling to try to settle him for bedtime. He didn't sleep until 10pm most nights and would cry on and off from 6pm onwards. However, this only lasted a month and he now goes to sleep at 7.30 - 8pm every night.I have found that the same routine every day works for both of us. Yes - it can be monotonous (spelling?) but he is content. I also feel that you may have a touch of baby blues. Please make sure you talk to those closest to you to let them know how you feel and ensure that the health visitor does the Edingburgh Scale depression sheet with you. Good luck and it will get better.

Hi,
My baby is 2 weeks old and I also dread eveings; I am not sure why, she (baby) has been really good so far.
However, like you I do sometimes have to cuddle her after her 7pm feed for her to go off. I have also found if she gets over tired that can also be a pain.
I was worried like you that this would become a habit (falling asleep in my arms) but apparently it is too early days for this.

Also the crying thing, I had that my husband went back to work today and I cried all last night but she has been really good this morning and I feel like I can get a bit of routine.

I am taking one day at a time.

xxx

I have a 1 year old now, I remember the first weeks so keenly, I was like you terrified, weepy. I remember dreading the evenings, at about 6.00 I used to have panic attacks, I had to have rescue remedy - which I recommend it did seem to help. Although my mum and partner were with me it was the feeling that I as going to be left all alone with my crying baby all through the night, I was so tired and so afraid. I used to count the hours and days until he would be 3 months, then 6 months. I used to visualise a tally chart! I live by the coast and wished the sea rescue helicopter would rescue me!!! but now time has passed and things just got easier and easier as people told me it would, now we have so much fun, he's a joy and he just loves being alive! just hang on in there... I wish I hadn't been so anxious those early days, I wish I could have just sunken intot he bubble but I think its inevitable. One of the many things I've learned on this amazing journey is that all things pass, all things with babies are phases...

Hun, I was exactly the same, exactly, when I had my little man. It will pass, I know everyone says this and when I was in the midst of it I was fed up of people saying that too me as it felt like they weren't there to help at all, I found having people round really helped, also if ur bottle feeding (like I was) Babi might be able to smell the milk on you and be getting frustrated so getting someone else to hold her for a bit (while u have a bath or do something to make you feel normal again :-) )
doing a bedtime routine helped us as well, my ds has very dry skin so I need to cream him everyday, I do it at night cause I find it calms him (baby massage is a brill way to calm and relax babies) then get him ready for bed, milk and in bed.
If you want to talk by all means message me as I do know how u feel!!! It will pass, I promise!!
big hugs xx

Oops, just read the date.. Well hopefully my post will help someone else of they're going through this :-)

Hi there, don't be so hard on yourself. You and your body have just had an enormous amount to deal with. You have had a life changing expierence and things will always be different, not for the worse, for the better, but changed.
It takes a while for your baby to get used to the outside world too. You are sleep deprived, hormonal and in a world where mothers are supposed to look stunning all the time, with time to put a face of make-up on, have amazing hair be skinny in 24 hours and have babies who are angelic all the time.
It's the hardsest [ but most rewarding] job in the world being a mother. It takes time to get used to, and babies do not come with a user guide. You will get used to your baby, and what works for you both. Read books, listen to advise, but only use what works for you, and do not feel guilty for any choices you make that others may not like. You will always know what is best for your child. You will always know your child better than anyone else. [ I have an 11 year old daughter, and a 5 year old son]. I am a Nursery Nurse of over 25 years, and people ask me things all the time. It's great to know the 'standard answer', if you like, but I've been a far better NNEB since being a mother too.
My first cried all the time, had reflux and colic. I was advised to see a cranial osteopath and eventually did just that. Magic. A baby who slept, was calm and peaceful. He said it was related to her 3 day labour. It worked for her, and so I booked him to see my second as a routine. It may or may not be right for you, but just have it there in case.
There is no super-mum, just as super nanny is a myth. We do our best with the best intention, sometimes we get it right, sometimes we do things differently the next time.Give it time, it gets easier.xx