I'm a really shit mommy and i cant snap out of it!

[ilovetochat]

dd is only 2 and I can't keep my cool with her and can't stop shouting at her and being nasty and i don't want to be like this as i love her so much and being a mom is what ive always wanted and im shit.
this morning i wanted to take her to baby gym which she loves and its the only class on as its school hols. we needed to leave at 9.40 so we were all ready when she decided she needs a wee. i sat her on the toilet..
dd "i need a wee"
me "have a wee and we can go"
dd "no" (raspberry)
me "do you need a wee"
dd "no"
me "lets get our shoes and go then"
dd "no i need a wee"
she was on and off the toilet laughing and blowing raspberries, i asked her if she wanted to go to gym and she said yes but then kept asking for a wee till 10.05.
i ended up shouting that she was silly and didnt deserve to go to gym and could stay in all day and be bored and i was fed up of her being silly and i went on and on at her. i just wanted to walk out the house and leave her to it as she drives me up the wall.
she then cried and asked for a cuddle and gym.
i took her to the gym and then park and we had a lovely morning out and she was good as gold and i told her i love her and how good she was being etc.
but everything i want her to do, even if its something nice like going to the park, ends up with me shouting her crying then eventually we go and have a great time.
what i am doing wrong?
Why cant i be patient with my own dd?
I feel like walking away and leaving dd and dp to it as they get on so well and im just shouting and being a bitch.

ilovetochat - I think you're doing a fantastic job. I work 4 days a week and I genuinely think if I was at home all day every day with my DD (23 months) I would be a shouty fishwife mum.

I agree with other posters that this stage includes a lot of boundary testing and experimentation that I try not to think of as naughty.

DD likes walking but wants to investigate everything on the way: go down other people's driveways, put stones into the holes in their car wheels, pick up fag ends etc etc... I'm usually trying to get her to the park and sometimes I just think why am I struggling to get her there, if she would prefer to look at cats in other people's gardens maybe we should just do that!

On the other hand, sometimes I worry that I spend too much time giving in to her varying demands for a different cup, a different drink, a different temperature drink ....

I very much like the idea of giving DD space to do something on her own - I feel like I am being bossed around by a 81cm dictator quite a lot of the time, but being away from her for 4 days a week, feel bad if I do try the benign neglect for long.

Ilovetochat - I think all I've demonstrated is that getting the balance right always feels hard but you sound very thoughtful and like you're taking in the advice and learning from it so very good luck to you...

thanks everybody, well dd has had a friend round to play and they both played lovely and i havent been stressed or shouty all morning, she is asleep now.
one problem is that since swimming yesterday she has had 6 wee accidents (and the washing machine is moaning). I am calm about this as have taken a very relaxed attitude to potty training which worked and she has been trained since april apart from the odd accident when busy playing. i think she may have weed in the pool and thought it didnt matter so is now weeing whenever she wants. twice its been a whole wee, the rest of the time she has started to wee then told me and finished on the toilet. is this just cos of swimming or a bit more testing?
last night dd kissed and cuddles me and asked for me to put her to bed, normally she wants dp and it made me feel like she loved me

dont hink anyone is reading this anymore but i'l update anyway.
i just went out for an hour or so to do a hobby i havent done since i was pregnant, it was great to be out, alone, doing exercise and having fun, not having to worry about dd as she was with dp and he bathed her and put her to bed. she was still awake when i got in and asked for a cuddle and said "mommy back from class, cuddle" and we had a lovely cuddle and she went to sleep. i missed her tons and i think she missed me but its good to miss her as im happier now tha if id stopped in.
have been on potty patrol today, sat dd on potty/toilet every hour whether she asked or not and had 7 smileys and 1 sad face on the revived chart so not too bad.
i honestly feel ive turned a corner thanks to all the advice/suggestions and also the comments i sounded depressed made me realise i had to do something for myself before it got worse.
thanks all

Yay yay yay!!

2 year olds are made to test your patience.it wouldnt be normal if it didnt get to you sometimes.

I think I could have written your post a few years ago. My dd1 also talked early and seemed very capable and grown up. I wasn't very relaxed with her and often expected too much, looking back.

ds and dd2 have really knocked me into shape. I think in time you can learn to be more chilled about things. It doesn't bother me in the same way if they're difficult anymore (although they are still challenging and drive me crazy at times). I can ignore a tantrum and feel genuinely calm now.

Today I had to catch a plane with all 3 dcs. dd2 (age 3) was demanding sweets from the shop in the airport, and I said no as she had already had some earlier from granny. Cue 10 minute meltdown. I walked over to some seats and sat down with the other 2 dcs. Eventually dd2 stopped screaming, and only then did I realise we were sitting right next to the bit where they do "relaxing" massages for travellers. Oops - I bet some of them asked for a refund after having to listen to the racket coming from us. She completely drowned out the serene music they were playing.

Bit of a ramble, but was just making the point that I would NEVER have been calm in that situation when dd1 was little. Don't be too hard on yourself - it's all such a steep learning curve when your first baby turns into a willful toddler. I'm sure you will become much less easily wound up by her in time.

ilovetochat
I sympathise with you.... i was a stay at home 24/7 mum and didnt realise for 6 months that i was suffering from post natal depression.
I loved my mum very much too, but from reading your posts...i know it seems a silly question,but do you know how to play with dd..i mean really know.Rather than just saying no all the time try and reason with them becos at the moment you have a war zone on your hands and dd is enjoying the battlefield action...and to a great dgree is controlling it.
U need some YOU time, and you also sound very lonely.What makes you sad and angry? I was told it is linked to things in the past and it often comes to a head after birth of baby. You sound like a carbon copy of me. You came from a split family(mum and stepfather) as i read in your first post. That is hard on its own, because YOU can try to be both mum and dad to dd and it is really hard work.
I have 2 boys and i have been a single mum when one 5 and the other was 1.5yrs old. It is hard but work with her, not against her.
( i was from a wretched family background with a good mum,but one who was from an era which showed no affection and an alcoholic ,aggressive father). How envy really close families and people with hoards of 'friends'
Maybe i am cynical but i believe we may have a handful of true friends and all the rest are acquaintances if analysed deeply.

alypaly, im from a split family, im very close to my mom as she always looked out for me, i try hard to maintain a relationship with my dad and see him weekly still but he is hard work, bigs himself up how clever he is how much he earns, how big his house his, how expensive everything he buys is, how strong he is, how good at everything he is, and puts me down a lot but in a way that if i react it makes me look silly like he was only joking. my house is a pigsty, my house is small, my house is cluttered, i have uk hols (dad only ever took me on uk hols but now goes everywhere), i dont have a degree, i have no money, we have cheap food, i will need his help to teach dd to her potential etc.
he makes me feel shit and occasionally i say something, i end up crying, he apologises and says he was joking but he carries on treating me the same and looking after/paying for his new girlfriend of the week.
i dont want his money, have never had it or wanted it but its a kick in the face when he tells me he is signing the house over to someone as he cares for them, he's known them 6 months.
he is an alcoholic but controlled enough to not drink before work/driving. he is aggressive/domineering and my mom lived quietly to keep the peace. because of this i will argue my point and if someone tells me to stop i cant as i dont want to live in fear.
im not a single mom, im with dd, been together 7+ years and he is great with dd and with me.
i am angry about how my mom was treated, how i was treated and how everyone is more important than me in my dads eyes. i am sad i didnt have a normal childhood and therefore want the best for dd in terms of love and affection and put a lot of pressure on myself.
i am most scared of losing dd and dp as they are my life.

OMG you sound like me...alcoholic dad and a mum that thought the world of you.Unfortunately my mum passed away 18months ago and my world fell apart.
I always strove for perfection as i never got praised as a child, i never felt good enuf either. I think when then that happens you strive to become a perfectionist in your own life and anything but perfection makes you angry and intolerant of others and yourself...hence you transferring anger to dd.Was i right about the ability to play or not??? MY mum didnt know how to play with me, but she was brilliant with my boys...strange.
My dad used to beat my mum and me when he came home drunk..She too used to try and keep the peace by letting him go to the pub and getting him out of my way...my stepbrother also sexually abused me from the age of 8-12 ..so yes life was horrific.I too hated my childhood and like you ,as a result i want to show affection to my kids and make them feel loved, and to show them what was right and wrong. But becos i strove for perfection ,i like u was intolerant, not to the point of sreaming at my children, but little things used to annoy me intensly. I wanted to be super woman...good at everthing so no one could critisise me....but it takes its toll. I too have very few friends and can sometimes go for days without a phone call from anyone. No one seems to take the time to care anymore..and I too wud just love to have a really close girly friend to chat to about anything. I think when u have had a tough childhood it makes it difficult to make friends when u are older... i think its a trust thing becos u dont want to be hurt yet again... dont u?
Becos i have now had many years to analyse how it has affected me i can now see a common link in how you feel.You say you dont go out or have any time for yourself, this is now making you angry and you probably feel resentment towards your partner becos he goes to the gym and the pub and you feel lonely. I know i have been there...
if u want to chat plz do

our lives are so similar alypaly, so sorry to hear about your mom, that would hurt me so much!
i am very intolerant, i have no patience, luckily dp is very laid back (the exact opposite of my dad, calm, kind, hardly drinks at all, nothing but praise for our dd) so he defuses the situation. but sometimes i find him so laid back it drives me mad as he seems so slow at everything
i love dd to bits, i would do anything for her, but when i know she is capable of something i cant understand why she doesnt always do it.
i dont resent dp going out, im jealous of his social life and friendships.
i have a few very close friends but they have moved away, have kids etc so we cant meet up as often as id like. i have no local friends to just walk to the park with etc.
im not sure if i play properly, i think i do, we play with her dollshouse doing pretend games, and we do playdoh and we dance about and pretend to be animals and walk to the park looking at flowers,slugs and we do jigsaws and i read to her for hours. from 7am till 2pm then 4pm till 9pm i am with dd and i try and play except when im doing dinner, i do housework when she is asleep. does this sound like proper playing?
thanks for telling me about yourself as a comparison!

yes you sound as if you are playing properly with her,try buying her a replica hoover so that you can do the household chores with her so that you dont have to do it whilst she is asleep.It will have a two fold benefit in that she will feel as tho she is doing something for you and praise her for her hoovering and 'cooking'...get some sandwich cutters and let her cut bread slices for 'dinner'. Tell dd that baby did the dinner tonight and she will feel important and it might decrease her attention seeking.
You have hit the nail on the head about beng jealous of your partner. It will eat at you if it doesnt change,does he not want to take u out with him? there is the similar thread running thro that you dont feel important enough to be taken out as often as u wud like. I was told by a consultant that its not the present thing that normally causes the problem, it is a string of events that has made u feel the same over the years and its the final straw that breaks the camels back if u get my drift..

ps when does your partner read to her to give u a break.
I am probably being a little analytical but try not to transpose how you were treated by your dad on dd by being critical or constantly saying no.
" 2 year olds are old enough to understand reasoning rather than to be just told 'no'....tell her the reason why she cant do something rather than just no as it then becomes a battle that she enjoys as she is seeing and creating a reaction.
Babies are really clever in noticing what winds u up.

Did you not make any friends in anti natal or post natal classes that u cud gel with?
I didnt ....used to hear about people having coffee nmornings and similar but I didnt really want to talk babies, nappies,sick and the colour of the next pooey nappy....I craved some interesting conversation about normal things,ie life,hols,sport,
hobbies,fashion,work,dining out....just a friend to confide in, someone who wouldnt judge you,a shoulder to cry on if needed and someone to have fun with and trust.

My partner is a bit like yours...he is so laid back, he is almost asleep...the world could end and he wouldnt notice
He wouldnt dream of organising anything...if we do anything at all,I have to sort it out...sometimes i wish he would come home and say'hey love we going out for a meal tonight...get changed' ...but then my dream bubble burst
We dont live together and if we did i think his slowness and laid back attitude would drive me mad as i am like u in that if something needs doing...tomorrow will not do...there is plenty of time today...get off your backside....Do you end up dashing round like a scalded hen...sometimes never really achieving anything because u have so much to do?
Maybe i will come back as a man in my next life

dd helps me get the washing in the machine, drags it out into the basket, helps hang the socks, i give her little jobs and now when the washing machine stops she shouts get the basket, she gets excited, its so funny.

i didnt make any friends at antinatal classes, there were only 4 classes half an hour away so people were from miles away and although i said hello andchatted a bit that was it.

its like at play sessions dd has been to, i chat to people, i try to be friendly and ask about their dc and dd plays with their kids and then everyone walks out and says see you next week and no friendships form. i have tried to invite people round and been let down, i had a thread about a friend who let me down and didnt even phone and was told to keep trying etc so i made an open invitataion and have neevr heard back. im just not popular, i hear about people going places together but im rarely invited unless its a mass group outing.

dp reads to dd before bed and he does most of her baths and he even gets up in the night if she wakes, when he is here he is good with her its just he has a lot of hobbies so he can be out a lot. he only goes to the pub on a friday after work for an hour, he isnt a big drinker, i hate heavy drinkers.

dp and i used to go out together a lot and when we do go out alone (3 times in 2 years) it is great and we get on brilliant and are so happy, but we have no babysitters, my mom has babysat the 3 times and we have to give plenty of notice etc, noone else will help.
noone has even walked dd up the shop and back.

yes i run round like a blue arsed fly, everything done super speed, i like to be in charge of bills, paperwork as i have to know whats going on.

after having a great night wed i decided to make a big effort on myself so i have dyed my hair to cover the hideous grey streak and put y make up on this morning which i never bother with. i took dd to gym and although we were late i didnt shout or stress i just told dd she was missing some class as she was dillying and she rushed then and she loved it, stayed 2 hours and is now flaked out. i also registered with a local sure start to find more things to do and hopefully meet some more moms.

you are me

do people see you as really good at everything. as you say you like to be in control of los of things.
I used to do all that and still do as i am a single mum,but when i wa with my ex ,people are always wary and inytimidtaed by other women who appear so capable...it almost maks us unapproachable as to them you appear flawless. its trying to find a happy medium and it took a breakdown to make me realise that doing things at 90% was not so bad..an it appears more human to others

sorry my spelling was awful but i was just rushing into the kitchen to rescue the chicken tikka for dinner

i dont think im perfect, im just self sufficient, i dont rely on anyone to do anything for me and expect to be let down as i usually am. i like to do everything myself as i like being organised and would worry if anything got forgotten.
i do have 3 close friends who i see maybe monthly, by close i mean we know all about each other, have known each other 10 years plus, i could turn to them in a crisis and they could turn to me and i would be there for them. people who i am close to i love with all my heart and would do anyhting for them.
i am quite shy inwardly and worry and think things through in minute detail but i hide this like i hide most emotions in RL (apart from infrnt of dp and my mom), people always say how confident i am and never seem flustered. interviews scare me but im always told im cool as a cucumber. its cos i have a wall around me.
thanks

i too am self sufficient,well organised, list maker for holiday packing so nothing gets forgotten. I try not to rely on anyone to do things as it never gets done properly if at all. You sound as if you have the same perfectionist appearance that i had. It is hard to live with for you and others as we have such high expectations of everything ad everyone.
I am actually lie you, i am shy underneath and have always been terrified of interviews. Everyone says how confident i am, but inside i am dying...feel sick with nerves. I was a medical rep for 13 years and had to learn to hide my shyness by putting on a facade evey morning, it totally drained me but it gives people the wrong impression. Just try an be the real you
Another thing was cooking, when we had friends round to dinner ,I had to be a wizz in the kitchen and provide a restauarant style meal otherwise i felt as though i had let myself down. You are a younger version of me.

im 31, not that young
oh god, i do lists too, and file all my paperwork. dp has piles of crap everywhere which i shuffle about to tidy them.
im rubbish in the kitchen though, cant cook anything, never been taught.
you could be right, i may give people the impression i dont want to be friends as im so busy and slef sufficient, but thats not true!

wish you lived near me ,maybe we would get on really well as i would love to have a friend with a like mind

im in the midlands, where are you?
one person on here wanted to meet me but i was too scared

such a perfectionist that my spelling is now annoying me..apologies...not normally so careless...yikes Im doing it again. Just in a hurry as the packing is getting delayed for my forthcoming hols to Greece. will talk later. BFN

I live in Cheshire near Stockport

guess it is scary as you have no idea if it is weirdo befriending you. cant blame you

will talk later..i am also on FR and FB so maybe we could chat on there by email....its more private

whats BFN? i have a friend who lives in stockport .
not on FB and dont know what FR is so prob not on that either. chat later.

BFN means bye for now
FR is friends reunited. Only joined it 6 months ago and have made contact with lots of old school friends all over the world. You conatct by email without actually getting to know the real email address unless its mutually acceptable. I.e you have to accept each others conversations which keeps it safe and others cant read your personal conversations as you can just contact one person on their "wall".
Im just getting to know all the jargon for that website.