I'm a really shit mommy and i cant snap out of it!

[ilovetochat]

dd is only 2 and I can't keep my cool with her and can't stop shouting at her and being nasty and i don't want to be like this as i love her so much and being a mom is what ive always wanted and im shit.
this morning i wanted to take her to baby gym which she loves and its the only class on as its school hols. we needed to leave at 9.40 so we were all ready when she decided she needs a wee. i sat her on the toilet..
dd "i need a wee"
me "have a wee and we can go"
dd "no" (raspberry)
me "do you need a wee"
dd "no"
me "lets get our shoes and go then"
dd "no i need a wee"
she was on and off the toilet laughing and blowing raspberries, i asked her if she wanted to go to gym and she said yes but then kept asking for a wee till 10.05.
i ended up shouting that she was silly and didnt deserve to go to gym and could stay in all day and be bored and i was fed up of her being silly and i went on and on at her. i just wanted to walk out the house and leave her to it as she drives me up the wall.
she then cried and asked for a cuddle and gym.
i took her to the gym and then park and we had a lovely morning out and she was good as gold and i told her i love her and how good she was being etc.
but everything i want her to do, even if its something nice like going to the park, ends up with me shouting her crying then eventually we go and have a great time.
what i am doing wrong?
Why cant i be patient with my own dd?
I feel like walking away and leaving dd and dp to it as they get on so well and im just shouting and being a bitch.

I can relate to this and I think that if I had DS (2.6) at home the whole time I would be a lot worse. He is fantastic but, as all 2 yr olds do, he pushes boundaries and it is so hard not to react. Eg I find it difficult to park the car on our narrow street and have previously reacted spectacularly (with much swearing ) to him bellowing at me while I try to parallel park. So now he tries it on every time, even being so transparent to ask "Mummy are you parking?" before then starting shouting....!!!
He goes to nursery three days a week which helps a lot, is there a chance you could get a nursery place even if it was just for a couple of mornings a week to get some time apart? I do find that by the end of a whole day with him I am a lot more snappy which makes me

Btw you are not a bitch and you really care and if DD and DP were left together he would end up being just the same. Toddlers are hard work!!

Ilovetochat, from your last post, you actually sound a little bit more than ordinarily stressed. Do you think you might be a little depressed?

no i havent considered seeing my dr, ive always been like it really, my dp says i have no happy medium, i get very excited happy but also very sad and low. like the build up to a holiday i get ott excited but im always really down afterwards. im happiest when we are all together having fun but then normality hits me like a ton of bricks, dp goes back to work and the gym and the pub on a friday and parents visiting and i feel like our family time is so diluted.
i have asked dp if we can afford for me to go to an aerobics class this week and he said we can so im going to try and pluck up courage to go on my own and it will give me some me time and a break from dd.
we cant afford a nursery place for dd and i want to look after her myself till she starts preschool as i think its best for her.
thanks for the advice/support.
anybody, dd shouts in the car too, everytime i stop at traffic lights she shouts go mommy go and i find it so destracting.

thanks shine, i dont want to see a doctor as i dont know what hed do, i dont want tablets or anything, i dont want them to think i cant cope with dd.
i will try and get a break.

Sorry, haven't read whole thread but can I ask, would you consider yourself a perfectionist at all?

I recognise some of your OP from my first time round with toddlerhood. Sometimes my jaw would ache from smiling so much - I felt I wasn't expressing any genuine emotion because I was being "on" as fabulous mum all the time. How exhausting, and how demoralising when it doesn't work out.

IME, if you put a lot of pressure on yourself to be the perfect mum, it normally ends up as you have described above.

Try to relax and not be so hard on yourself. Try to say "so be it" if you're going to be late or she's playing up.

My mantra became (especially at bed time) well, when you're ready to come up, I'll be upstairs reading stories. And I'd just go up without her. I tried to take the confrontation out of things and the bedtime trick was particularly successful.

Just remember, she just hasn't the capacity to think in the same way as you, and most often she's just finding ways to entertain herself and if she sees she has pushed a button, she's at that age where she'll push it and push it and push it.

Easier said than done, but just try not to react. Talk your own advice and walk away. "when you're ready to do it properly, you let me know".

Go into your room and pick up a paper or something and make like you're reading it.

If she strops, ignore it until she's bored of herself and ready to comply.

All good theoretical advice. It doesn't always work out that way, but let's say 6 or 7 times out of 10 it does.

Good luck, and keep posting if you still feel like shite. We've all been there and can support you.

Ok, have just read the whole thread.

You're DD is just 2, my DS is 2 next month. I can't even imagine for a second him achieving the levels of behaviour you are expecting of your DD.

He's still in nappies and let's just say, the only thing he would do with a potty at the moment is stick it on his head or throw it across the room.

So actually, your DD is incredibly advanced I would say, to be out of nappies at just 2. To be able to actually say to you that she needs a wee, answer questions about wanting to go to play gym etc. I appreciate DS's language and understanding might not be what your DD's is (my DD was conversing from 18 months so I know how DECEPTIVE good language can be. It tricks you into assuming a level of maturity that quite simply, is NOT there).

Some examples of my DS's behaviour, to put your mind at rest. And I consider him well behaved, FWIW.

1. When finished at meal times, shoves his plate so far and so fast from him that it often hits the floor. OR, he lifts up what he hasn't eaten and squishes it in his hands and smears it into the table.

1. Throws everthing, all the time, even though the rule is, if the toy is thrown, it goes on the shelf for the rest of the day.

1. Gets out of his toddler bed on average 10-15 times every evening when we try to settle him. But I consider him a good sleeper as once he's down, we don't hear a peep until morning.

1. Has lots of words now, but not one is please or thankyou.

1. If there's a pen lying around, he'll take it to the wall and draw on it.

1. If there's a big girls cup of juice on the table, he'll climb up and watch in fascination as he pours it onto the floor.

I could go on, and on and on. He also kicks me hard whenever I change his nappy, and hits out at my DH in particular if he tries to cuddle me whilst DS is on my lap.

All of this behaviour I deal with firmly and clearly. I do all the eye contact, I take appropriate action for his age (ignoring or removing item or like SHINEY says, simply taking control physically when there is no other choice).

Go to another place in your head. Sing your favourite tune. Just know that just because you're DD is crying, it doesn't mean you did anything WRONG. It might just mean you did something RIGHT in setting appropriate parental boundaries.

sycamore, i relate to most of waht you said, yes im a perfectionsit and i admit i want to be a great mom as i think my mom was and i want dd to be happy, she probably is happy and is probably a normal toddler.
your list of things your ds does was fascinating, if dd pushes her plate on the floor i think that is naughty behaviour as i know she can eat properly but maybe toddlers all do these things. and because i know dd can tell me when she wants a wee and wait till we get to a toilet i cant see why she would wee on the spare bed and not tell me.
i expect a lot of her all the time as she can do it some of the time but maybe that expectation is way too high.
i will try and think "so be it" and let dd come to me and remember she is only little. dd can say please thank you sorry so i remind her if she forgets.
thanks for saying i can come back when i feel shit and you will support me, that is so kind

It's beginning to seem to me as if you don't have many other toddlers to compare with.

Not in a competitive way, it's just that if you get exposed to how lots of different children behave (and how their carers deal with them), you get a picture of the huge differences in their behaviours and abilities, which can be hugely helpful, both in helping you get her behaviour in context, and letting you witness first-hand different parenting techniques.

Do you take her to any mother and toddler groups?

i take her to baby gym whcih is 6 months to 4 but very spread out in a sports hall, music class term time and baby swimming but its all organised activities rather than free to do what they want.
the toddler groups are afternoons and dd sleeps for 2 hours so misses them and she needs the sleep so i let her.
none of my friends have toddlers and dps friends kids are grown up.
dd gets on well with 4 -5 year olds and at the park she ignores toddlers and plays with/follows round older kids.

It's shame you can't find a morning toddler group - DD used to miss baby gym as she'd fall asleep on the way there.

As you say, it's free play, which would be a good way of helping you get more of a sense of perspective, if you don't mind me saying so.

Ilove - that's interesting about the plate pushing because I see it as untrained behaviour, rather than naughty, iyswim? So, I obviously want him to have good table manners, so when he pushed the plate he gets a firm "No, you don't push your plate, you tell mummy you've finished".

I know from experience there's just a time that comes where they don't feel the need or even want to act out in this way.

It is basically the job of a toddlers brain to break rules and behave in ways you don't want them to. It's how their brains develop, it's how they learn what's socially acceptable and what's not.

Think about your DD as a teenager out on her first night out with her girlfriends on their own and consider whether you would want a passive personality that just did what she was told by authority or domineering figures in her life.....

You wouldn't would you - you'd be glad she had spirit and confidence to challenge the rules and the status quo.

Don't beat yourself up.
Children don't "get" time and things happening when they are not there.
My DD is 5 and considered pretty smart by her teachers and she still vacillates about leaving the house and goes off in a world of her own and I'm yelling.."if we don't leave now we will be late" etc etc.
Once she messed around and we really were late and she realised it had started without her (a concept she still has real trouble with). She hated going in late so much that now when I say "you will be late" she comes straight away.
But it only works for some things.
She's not terribly fussed about being late for school!

our lady - i dont mind you saying i need a bit of perspective at all, i value all your opinions and am grateful for your help.
sycamore - i definitely dont want to dd to be passive. again your post makes me think, so toddlers break the rules to test the boundaries and find out consequences/reactions rather than to annoy/be naughty. and my reactions can shape her future personality and relationships cos i can teach her how to deal with things.
so if i get angry i am not teaching her properly but if i chill out and set clear boundaries but also give her leeway where i can it will be better for both of us?
i am learning so much from this.
and miggsie, dd wanted to go to baby gym but didnt get that messing about would make us late and the class would carry on without her. so there is no point telling her she will miss it, its my job to get her there and if we miss it so be it.

is free play really good for toddlers then?
i feel a bit lost myself at big groups as i dont know anyone, wheras at activities i know what im doing and know what i can help dd with. maybe im projecting this opinion onto dd and she feels a bit lost too.

i am over analysing again. im going to chill out.

ilove - you've got it. Be calm, clear, firm and above all consistent. Sometimes she'll comply immediately, sometimes it'll result in a half hour tantrum. You're only challenge is to float on a zen cloud above it all

Another good piece of advice is to make sure you don't end up in a playground argument with your DD. If you find yourself answering back to her all to often, you've lost control.

I think the best thing you can do short term is challenge yourself to relax. Think about what you're strategies will be if undesirable behaviour arises (I favour three strikes and then out) and make sure you know what you're going to do when it happens. Be prepared.

Good luck

Sorry, YOUR.

I Love - I think you've had some great advice here and I've been taking a keen interest because as I said earlier I can find myself in the same situ with my ds.

One more thing tho - you keep saying what a great mum your mum was and I have no doubt about that, mine was too, but I bet she lost her patience with you when you were a toddler! But you don't remember that, you only remember being brought up by a loving mum. You obviously love your dd so that's what she will remember too.

You've had some great advice on here, and it really sounds like it's meaning something to you, which is excellent. I had one more thought to add to the pot, which I've realised since having my second who is now in this 2yo stage!

With our first children, almost our whole lives revolve around them, their needs and their activities. We spend a lot of time with them and are very focused on them. In a way this means that they both depend on and take advantage of our attention.

With second & subsequent children, it's not possible for us to give them the same level of attention. It seems to be quite a theme (not in every case, but in many) that the later children are more chilled out, sleep when they need to, learn from their siblings etc. Presumably this is because they "have to" copy and are left to find their own way through daily life a lot more than the first.

If you translate this into other areas such as behaviour, mealtimes etc, you can see that there are some downsides to us spending all our time & attention on the child... in a way the more we try to control/help them the harder they work to find cracks in the system and escape! So I wonder if there's some value in pretending you have another older child taking up your time/attention? OF course you need to ensure the area they are in is safe. But then you should be able to read/mumsnet/cook/leave the room some of hthe time, of course expecting to have to return unexpectedly and leave things unfinished. But I think there's value in letting the child find their own way through a period of time. You have to choose your moment ie. when they're engaged in something you slip away. My dd (2nd child) is often quite happy doing things on her own, and sometimes chats to me continuously about what she's doing while I cook or wash up, for example.

I hope I've got my message across in my rather rambling way... It's not really meant as direct advice, just a suggestion based on my experience.

Good luck!

hi all, im sure my mom did lose her patience and tell me off but mostly she was kind and loved me and thats what i remember so hopefully dd will remember i love her too
catilla, i'm always in awe of moms with 2 or more kids they seem so relaxed and know what they're doing. i'd love to be like that, maybe they were a bit more tense with their firsts?
ive had a lovely morning with dd, i took her swimming on our own for the first time and we both had a great time and cos i love swimming i was very relaxed and so was she and i told her just before we had to get out (after 90 mins i was even more wrinkly than normal) and then told her we were getting out, she started to whinge but i told her what was happening, shower, dressed and snack and she happily complied.
i feel much better in that i have coped all morning without shouting and dd is happy. you are all helping me so much, i feel like i have more support here than in real life and you have told me stuff i didnt know.

sycamore - im relaxed

One thing: don't be surprised if she seems to 'play up' more over the next couple of weeks; again, it's not that she's being naughty, but she may test you to see if things really are different - it's quite a common reaction.

It's lovely to hear how much better you're feeling about it all - keep it up!

Just checking in - Catilla is right about the subsequent children thing.

I'm more chilled with DS than I was with DD. He also gets away with more than she did, but really, who cares. I keep asking that question, will it matter when he's 18?

Glad you are feeling more relaxed.

Pop back if you need to.

Glad you sound happier, Ilovetochat.