I'm a really shit mommy and i cant snap out of it!

[ilovetochat]

dd is only 2 and I can't keep my cool with her and can't stop shouting at her and being nasty and i don't want to be like this as i love her so much and being a mom is what ive always wanted and im shit.
this morning i wanted to take her to baby gym which she loves and its the only class on as its school hols. we needed to leave at 9.40 so we were all ready when she decided she needs a wee. i sat her on the toilet..
dd "i need a wee"
me "have a wee and we can go"
dd "no" (raspberry)
me "do you need a wee"
dd "no"
me "lets get our shoes and go then"
dd "no i need a wee"
she was on and off the toilet laughing and blowing raspberries, i asked her if she wanted to go to gym and she said yes but then kept asking for a wee till 10.05.
i ended up shouting that she was silly and didnt deserve to go to gym and could stay in all day and be bored and i was fed up of her being silly and i went on and on at her. i just wanted to walk out the house and leave her to it as she drives me up the wall.
she then cried and asked for a cuddle and gym.
i took her to the gym and then park and we had a lovely morning out and she was good as gold and i told her i love her and how good she was being etc.
but everything i want her to do, even if its something nice like going to the park, ends up with me shouting her crying then eventually we go and have a great time.
what i am doing wrong?
Why cant i be patient with my own dd?
I feel like walking away and leaving dd and dp to it as they get on so well and im just shouting and being a bitch.

ilovetochat ..when my eldest used to fiddle with his food ..i was advised to leave him with it for 20 minutes max and then just take it away...regardless of any tears...which thankfully there werent. Then i would say you can have your food at the next proper meal time. Otherwise they will get into a habit of not havin meals at set times and they will just snack. You be in charge.....otherwise DD will rule the roost. Its a better eating habit for them too as snacking is overstimulating the stomach

thanks alypaly, this morning dp got up with dd ann gave her breakfast and then she shared mine when i got up so it seems she is on an eat anything day today, then tomorrow she will hardly eat, it evens out.
i have started being more matter of fact with her, tell her whats going to happen then do it, rather than getting into debate. she wants to do everything for herself, get dressed, put shoes on, coat etc but if she faffs about i just do it for her quickly rather than telling her off then her getting upset, its not worth a battle constantly.
today hasnt been the best, we did painting this morning and she was flicking the water everywhere and when i told her to stop she threw the brush at me , hence a tantrum when i removed the paints. part of me thinks thats the way she will learn, part of me thinks was the water doing any harm in the kitchen not really. i dont know what to do sometimes.

i think u did the right thing removing the paints and water,otherwise she will not learn whats right and wrong and she will do the same thing at nursery. Even if she throws a tantrum...stick to your guns....once she learns that you will ignore her needs until she behaves ,she will do as you tell her

that is how i naturally parent but others seem much more laid back than me including dp and it makes me question myself and my methods, lack of self confidence i suppose.

you dont seem to be doing much wrong to me.... i was a strict parent and to a great degree i still am but it is so nice when other parents comment as to how well behaved your children are in their homes and now they are older,they just say what lovely young men they have grown into. I remember having some horrendously behaved children at my house and they were jumping off my furniture and throwing crisps all over the carpet and jumping on them.... my eldest was absolutely horrified with their behaviour and was completely confused... needless to say i didnt have those little brats round again

people do say dd is well behaved, she says please and thank you and says sorry if she does something wrong and she is starting to take turns now and share which is nice to see.
it is only at home she tantrums so must be testing the boundary just with me and dp.

if she sees you react or get snappy she has won,she has got a reaction. Try not to react in any way if she annoys you ,just take her things away and wait til she comes round to your way of thinking. You sound well together...dont know what you are worried about..lol

thanks alypaly, thats nice of you to say

why are u lacking self confidence...you still sound pretty lonely to me.

i am

big hug...what u doing tonight.....i am just sat in looking at this daft computer...really bored after my holiday....it seems ages since we were away.

Worst thing is my boy friend hates going out so i am not looking forward to another night in doin nothing. ( hes really kind,but not very sociable...likes his own company)He likes to be organised by me..but just once in a while it wud be nice for him to come up with the idea of taking me out for a meal. He just comes round ,has something to eat ,falls asleep and then goes home.
Guess i am a little lonely too...wud be nice to do girly things..like going shopping or going for a glass of wine at the local bistro..a cheap meal and different conversation..( he doesnt talk much either...which has been compounded since he got injured playing badminton)I wud just like a reason to get dressed up once in a while. I think thats why i look forward so much to holidays...cos i can shake the dust off my nicer clothes and feel a bit more feminine and human.

do you think you will stay with your boyfriend long term? I know you have been with him a while.
We are watching x-factor and we have got some sparkling wine to drink and dp came back from work with choc and some croissants for breakfast tomorrow
me and dp are sociable and used to have some great nights out laughing/dancing/meal out/theatre but we rarely go out now cos of no babysitters.
we go for meals with dd early on and do lots more day time things like swimming, parks, softplay, nature reserves but i miss adult company and going out.
ive been looking for dps birthday gift. ive seen a nice fossil watch and also a nice storm watch. looked at a pro golf lesson but its so much money for 1 hour, not sure its worth it.but maybe i could get tickets to a show or something and get a babysitter and have a good night out?

iilovetochat i think 12 years is quite long time......I honestly dont know. We kind of drifted into a relationship a year and half after the split from my boys father. He came round to see me when i was really ill with pneumonia and as i lost all my friends after my split up.It was quite nice to have someone around as i was really ill for nearly 3 months...
I am very fond of him, but not in love with him.. he has been brilliant with my boys and as he has no children of his own ..he has been a substitute dad to them...he gives them so much help with practical things and financially too. If it wasnt for his xmas present to DS1 he wouldnt be touring Oz now. But I dont stay with him for financial reasons...i guess i am just scared of being alone....but sadly i still feel alone even when i am am with him.He hardly ever cuddles me and i am quite a tactile person.
He is not in the least bit affectionate or romantic ( bunch of flowers wud be a miracle)and there is no real x factor...I am on my own most nights so i guess its like being alone. But he is really dependable and loyal. I really dont know where to go to meet people,i mean nice people that dont just want to drag u to bed..
I suppose long term i would like someone with more get up and go as i would like to see the world. DP has no inteest in travelling unless its fairly close countries and he hates leaving his mum.( he still actually lives with his 79 year old mum about 6 miles from where i live.
I would just love a girlfirend that i could go out for a drink with just to make friends with someone of the other sex becos if i went out alone, men wud think i was easy meat. Please dont think of me as a horrible person..its just one of those relationships thats almost symbiotic...he gets fed and watered,has some company and i get very quiet company and practical help. Even the boys used to say that he didnt smile a lot when they were little...he doesnt seem to know how to enjoy himself..he is always so serious and intense.
Gosh any one reading this wud probably say ditch him....but after what i went thro as a child with sexual abuse its hard to find a man u trust.
sorry for the long post, but you have probably hit on why i feel so lonely..

alypaly, i wouldnt tell you to ditch him as you say he is loyal, dependable, trustworthy and those qualities are hard to find in anyone and he has looked after you and your sons which sounds amazing of him.
only you know how you feel about him, if you were single today and knew him as a friend and he asked you to start a relationship, would you or would you keep him as a friend?

from how you describe your relationship it sounds more like a friendship to me but then there are plenty of people in this world who would love a relationship as kind and caring. and flowers and slushy words mean nothing unless backed up by loving actions.

i think if you are both happy as you are then there is no problem. but if you arent happy thats a shame as you are selling yourself short.

i wish i could be your friend to go for a drink with you and have a laugh!

it is more like a friendship,he is like the brother i should have had. I know he cares for me,but he never says "i love you",doesnt need cuddles or anything physical..i suppose its a bit strange as there is no animal passion for want of a better phrase.
Yes he has always been there for us ,in sickness and health...and i have had a few fairly serious health scares over the last 12 years.( just recently my gall bladder out just b4 hols)but he never seems to want anything else. I dont know if i am happy or whether i am just resigned to this being my lot, I have never been married and I would love to be someones wife and madly in love. I often ask him to show some emotion and it is always a bone of contention...but even when we have rowed which is very seldom ..he shows nothing...even when i have asked for time out..he shows absolutely no emotion and if he feels a potential row situation coming on, he just disappears for a few days. He never rows...he just walks away.( most frustrating) Even when i say can we talk about going out or him planning things he just goes home...and its always the same answer..." does it matter who plans it.And it does matter to me as i get fed up with playing the man all the time...it stops me from feeling feminine. If i mention marriage his eyes almost glaze over...you should have seen him when my friends kept mentioning engagement rings on holiday...his face was dead pan.
Its really lonely every night just going to be alone and having no real relationship...it is almost platonic. I really loved the boys father but he did the dirty on me and went off with his ex-fiance, whilst i was pregnant and it absolutely floored me. I still see him regularly becos of the boys and deep down i probably still love him. But i keep that firmly to myself. Whats gone is gone.
I feel i have so much to offer... I am a loyal person...love my children,keep a good home..dont smoke..hardly drink..manage money well,like being with people,hopefully classed as intelligent...and i love life...just dont know where it has all gone wrong. I just wish someone wud sweep me off my feet and make me feel like i did when i was a teenager.
BTW you are my friend and i really enjoy talking to you and i looked forward to finding your threads when i came home.
Anyway, enuf of me...i feel really selfish moaning about my lot.
ilovetochat .. Why do you feel so lonely?
wish you lived up in cheshire,you are in the midlands arent you. We cud go out for that drink..

what is better, being with your boyfriend with no potential of meeting someone else, or being alone but having the freedom to meet someone new?

I have always promised myself not to go for second best, its not fair on me or them, if i cant see myself happy with the person in 5 years, i end it there and then.

I made 1 mistake, i dated a lovley man for a couple of years, he was fun and good looking and we had a laugh but i never loved him, only as a friend. i tried to end it but went back but in the end i had to end it as i knew i didnt want to be with him in 5 years and i knew id never love him. now he is happily married and im happy with dp and dd.

but if you secretly want to marry him, maybe you feel more for him but are scared to admit it?? why dont you propose to him?

i feel lonely sometimes as i feel like ive lost all my friends, we rarely see each other cos of kids, partners, work. i know thats what happens when you grow up and grow apart but its sad. i thought id make sahm friends and i havent. noone ever invites me and dd round. i have invited people and they come and dont invite me back or they dont come at all. and i feel people use me, im everybodys sounding board but they dont listen to me. im independent and dont tak about my feeling in RL but people think i cope with everything and i dont. im fed up of hearing about other poeple struggling when we propbably struggle more financially etc but just get on with it.
i really want to go out more and do more but none seems to want to mix with me.
we have some parties coming up and i cant wait to dress up, dress dd up and have a good night!

www.debenhams.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/product_10001_10001_19439_360620_-1

what do you think of this alypaly?

i like it.I think its really smart. I quite like chunky watches on men but you have to have the wrists for them. Does DP normally wear heavier looking watches? if so I would go for it ...as its really nice. One of my friends up where my caravan is has got a similar one but in this gorgeous old pinky gold/bronzy colour which is the in thing at the moment. They had some beautiful one in halkidiki. Its a good price too...go for it as its something that should last and its a good choice for the 50th....

ilovetochat ..i know you say you loose contact with your friends cos of work,families etc,but if they were real friends u wouldnt loose touch.
Im like you...i always used to do all the asking...all the cooking for dinner parties and i used to work so hard to cook meals for our visitors. Dont get me wrong...i absolutely adore cooking, but every once in a while it wud hav been nice to have had an invitation back. Im not one for taking turns as entertaining to me is an impulse thing,but just once in a while u know. it too used to make me feel used.

like you, people used to use me as a shoulder to cry on or come round if they had a row with hubby, but never any other time.
Again, sorry to sound copy cat...I too am independent, hopefully capable and relatively intelligent, and very practical with DIY...and i sometimes wonder if other women find it intimidating or if they worry what their husbands think..( i wonder if that is why we never get the invites,as we are seen as too independent) Maybe looking and sounding hopeless at things helps to make friends.I have never known why others think i can cope with everything.( i do most of the time, but deep down i sometimes feel really panicky). I think deep down i am actually quite shy,but i have learnt to put on a facade after all the years of hurt and hardship.
I get really fed up with all these wealthy mums complaining that they have no money...what a joke,they dont realise how lucky they are. I have struggled for 15 years as a single mum, i pay all my own bills,now i pay for all the boys things as their dad was made redundant 18 months ago ( infact i have even paid his electricity and gas bills to help him out of a hole).

I would so love to go out more...not necessarily to spend alot of money,but just to get out of these four walls. They sometimes feel as if they are falling in on me..do you know what i mean.
I love getting dressed up,but my boyfriend never seems to even notice or comment when i have had my hair highlighted or put on something pretty.I might as well wear a bin bag at home.The only thing that perks me up is when my 16 notices, the second i walk thro the door and he is always so flattering. He always says "mum your hair looks gorgeous and it makes you look even younger...hes wonderful".

Why do you reckon you have few or no friends?Are you really good at everything you do...do you reckon other mums a jealous of you independence and capabilities? Do you reckon they find it threatening?
Sorry this post is so long...its just interesting to find out why we are so similar and have virtually parallel lives.

did i tell you BBq went really well for DS2 exam celebration despite the rain. it was a great success and all his friends had a lovely time. I cant believe none of the other mums wanted to celebrate their childrens achievements...its really sad. it was the first underwater BBQ i have had..thank goodness for the two marquees. they completely filled my small garden..but they rescued the day.now i am left to the tidying up as DS2 has gone to school today as he is a peer mentor for the new year 7 intake

glad your bbq went well despite the weather alypaly.
i think i will go for that watch, there was another i liked but i cant find it now, willl have a final look and a friend gave me one other idea, some new golf thing, but i think im nearly there!
realised today we havent booked airport parking or taxi for holiday so got to get cracking. havent even got euros sorted. everything is last minute.
I think im seen as the strong one who can do everything myself and who is there for people, only dp knows how soft i am.
i didnt got to my local school so have no local friends, my school friends all went to uni and i didnt so we lost touch apart from a couple of them.
i feel like my time gets filled by other people if that makes sense rather than me feeling it with what i want to do.
and because my friends work im always expected to fit round them and people cancel on me all the time, like they get a better offer.
when i start a new hobby, like the exercise class i now take on a wed, everybody else there seems to be i groups of friens already and i try to be friendly and chat to people but they just want to chat to their friends so mostly im on my own. i dont know how to make friends.

thinking about it, when i start a new job i always think im never going to fit in here and feel lonely and then after about a year i find im really happy, have made friends even if its just on a work basis and fit in fine.
but being a sahm i dont get that settling in time as its always new groups of moms at new classes and just as im settling dd moves up a class through age or starts a new group and im back to square one.
i take time to get to know people and i think im the sort of person that is a bit shy to start with so come across as not friendly/awkward but then people get to know me and its fine.

i didnt go to uni either..my parents couldnt afford it. Although i went to a really good girls grammar school and got 9 good o levels and 3 A levels. Most of my school friends went to uni and we lost touch after 5th year and i did my a levels at college.

i probably come over as a bit reserved
( maybe snobby, but not nose in the air snobby, i suppose)until i get to know people..maybe that is misinterpreted as awkward. I know i wouldnt be shy with the right friend...i am just nervous of being let down or getting to like someone and and then being used or not contacted. I always find its me that makes the phone calls and i could wait 4 ever for someone to call me. I cam gop for weeks without a pone call from anyone. I could be dead and no one would know just glad my boys keep megoin and i cant wait 4 DS! to come back from Oz next week.

i suppose thats why i initially came on MN to see if i could find a friend of like mind. and its really nice to find almost a car=bon copy...i really cant believe how similar two people can be even tho we are 20 years apart... me being an oldie and all that LOL!!!

i also went to grammar school, got 9 gcses and 3 a levels. this is getting weird. are you me?
FFS phonecall,

This is weird...uncanny even....go on ,what were your a levels in....they wont be the same as mine because i did weird ones....or maybe they might.
Maybe i am you but 20 years on ..maybe we are talking to ourselves....lol!!!
why the sad face...........angry face
how can i phone, we cant put numbers on MN otherwise it gets very public.