Having sex in the same room as dds................heeeeeeelp

[namechangedbutaregularmnetter]

Brief history...

I split with Dh 7 months ago, he is in a one bed premises, he has a girlfriend.

My dds spend 3 nights a week with him.
He has a double bed and a set of bunkbeds in the bedroom.
My ex is having sex with his gf while the dds are hopefully asleep.
DD2 discovered a used condom this am.
DDs are not happy with situation...have talked to him.

I have just spoken to him...apparently i am not being 'grown up' about it.

I feel sick, i have step daughters and respected their privacy at all times...
and now i'm going to rant...
feck i need a smoke...and i'm giving up....

hmmm...anyhoo....heeelp

Thankyou for your comments.
The children have said they will not stay there when gf is there.
I'm not sure when she is staying again.
I will make sure that they are safe and happy here with me if he cannot give them the decency, respect and love that they are entitled to when staying with him.

Every single person i have spoken to in rl have been disgusted with this.

I will phone ss again also.

God, i know dittany, and it hurts so fecking much.

They are there now, but she isn't.

I am going to phone NSPCC. Why can't he see what is right?

Thankyou for your advice, thanks to all.

When gf is not there does he sleep on the sofa?

just wondering as then he would be admitting that they need their privacy but he is ignoring that when it suits him.

namechanged, please get tough here

I have read this thread from the beginning and, frankly, I have been appalled at him, his gf and also you for your passive response to this disturbing situation

I truly cannot believe all the adults involved think it is OK to put the onus on two little girls to say they feel uncomfortable, he is their father fgs, how hard that must have been for them

if you do not stop this right now, frankly, if I knew you personally I would report the whole sorry bunch of you to Social Services myself

< wipes hands and walks away >

Awww AF - sure;y a tad harsh? OP has phoned SS once already and they told her to let the girls sort it out.
(whatever we may think of that plan)
And let's be honest, wouldn't we all think that if our DCs told us they knew that we'd been having sex while they were there, we would immediately vow never to do that again? she must have expected that response from XH.

to get the reaction she has is surely unexpected and now she is trying to deal with it?

Report him & gf yes, i agree, but not OP.

Yes, I think it was reasonable (if a bit unexpected) to give him a chance to be thoroughly mortified and never do it again. (although a bit at SS suggesting leaving it to the girls).

I said to get tough

if she lets them go again, she will be complicit

sorry, OP, but you are not being strong enough

I agree AF - assuming gf will stick to routine she will be there at the weekend (this or next) so OP will have to have a plan in place by then. it can never happen again. it's all sorts of gross, sick, indecent, etc. and i'm sure the girls are losing respect for their father pretty quickly.
OP has to maintain their respect by allowing them not to go.
(seeing as she can't be seen to STOP them going by terms of contact).

That's why i said i think they'll be too ill to travel whenever gf is next due.
eventually XH must get the idea....

And surely the original contact arrangements intended XH to sleep in the living room with the girls in the bedroom (or v.v.) and if 'they' knew plans had changed contact arrangements would change too.

OP i think you have to see solicitor again, regardless of finances. what is legal aid for if not this?

If SS had given me that advice, to let little girls deal with an abusive situation by trying to talk their father out of having sex in their presence, I would have told them to where to stuff it

This has gone too far already

Contact should stop immediately, this twat obviously thinks he is doing no wrong and cannot be trusted

Bin the visits, document everything, ring all the agencies previously mentioned again to say he has bolloxed up his chance to put it right

Take advice about the original "plan" advised by SS and put in a formal complaint about that

OP, never put your daughters in that position again

Dittany - you may have a point there which is why (way back) i suggested getting someone else to talk to the ex as whatever history there is between her & him will get in the way.
a sibling of his, friends, etc.

Let's face it, if his children know about his sexual habits his friends may as well too.
but if he was a bully/arsehole in the marriage then OP may not be in an emotionally strong enough position to deal with it herself.

so, OP, take the combined strength of MN and put your foot down. tell your DDs they never have to stay there again and call everyone you can think of!

Thankyou again.
I have stated that i will stop the visits while gf is there.

I have made gp appt. and am contacting my solicitor tomorrow.

I do feel that the suggestion made about being reported, myself, to ss is harsh as i am making use of all possible resources to find the best solution for my dds. Again, i have stated that i will stop the visits when gf is there.

I have spoken to NSPCC who will make a refferal to children's services.

The nspcc advisor stated that ss gave duff advice.

Yes, i know i am responsible for my children's wellbeing and not acting is neglectful, and yes the whole situation is making me feel like complete shit, and yes my ex scares me.

Thankyou for your support and advice.

Dittany, you have more or less repeated what the nspcc advisor said.

It knocked my confidence, dittany, i knew it wasn't right.

I will be strong.

I willl update. Thankyou.

This all came to light on saturday.
Saturday night i was rowing with ex. Sunday i was on the phone to SS and rowing with ex.
Monday i was hoping that he would make it right with the dds.
Tuesday was my chance to find out what had happened.
Wednesday i have spoken to NSPCC, made gp appt, started comms with solicitor.

I feel that i have not been so neglectful

but still feel guilty.

Gonna make it right.

poor you t ,i need to study all the thread,but initial reaction is that he is utterly wrong,good on you for getting this sorted out.

dont let mf have them.