Having sex in the same room as dds................heeeeeeelp

[namechangedbutaregularmnetter]

Brief history...

I split with Dh 7 months ago, he is in a one bed premises, he has a girlfriend.

My dds spend 3 nights a week with him.
He has a double bed and a set of bunkbeds in the bedroom.
My ex is having sex with his gf while the dds are hopefully asleep.
DD2 discovered a used condom this am.
DDs are not happy with situation...have talked to him.

I have just spoken to him...apparently i am not being 'grown up' about it.

I feel sick, i have step daughters and respected their privacy at all times...
and now i'm going to rant...
feck i need a smoke...and i'm giving up....

hmmm...anyhoo....heeelp

fgs, how hard is it to say "you are right. my dds are upset by my behaviour and therefore I will make sure it doesn't happen again". Surely its not much of a sacrifice is it?

Hope it goes well when you see him.

And if he digs his heels in, then he is doing it purely to wind you up, which is as despicable as doing it in the first place.

That is disgusting, how could he do that with his children in the room. I would not let them go and sleep over there as there is not enough room, and he is not sensible enough to look after them if he is sleeping with his new girlfriend.

Also I dont think I would be too impressed with the girlfriend either as I would not sleep with someone with their kids in the room.

But you are lucky your kids are old enough to talk and let you know exactly how they are being treated.

Ex has taken the children, he does seem apologetic. I hope seeing them makes him realise his priorities.

I know he loves them, and hope that he learns from them today.

... We both know his gf from our twenties, on a professional basis! He has rekindled relationship on facebook. I never liked her, but that's gonna sound like sour grapes...

He knows i never liked her, but, i want the children to like her.
I am a stepmother to his girls and hope she treats my dds like i treated his dds, with complete respect.... bad start!

Any hoo, i will let you all know what happens.....i can't help feeling awful for all you that had to put up with this, or experienced it yourselves, i hope he snoops and reads this.

Thankyou

Where are the stepdaughters in all this then?

Stepdaughters are all grown up... one lives with her bf about 70 miles away, the other is at uni in her final year.

They lived with their mum mostly.

...although trhe younger sd lived with us for a yrear or so, so that she coiuld finish school.

Ah.

So the girls are coming home to sleep tonight then? Or is there no gf there now?

No gf tonight!
my dds will phone as usual and i'll know how it's gone....
They are 5 mins down the road.
Have changed my name back.

Nice one, hope it goes well x

glad to hear it ! did not know you had split, talcy. sorry to hear that

Hope it goes well too, fingers crossed.

Thankyou

I thought it was you talcs from the opening post, anyway i hope everything goes smoothly tonight.

talcs sorry you have been having such a time of it all lately.
I hope things get resolved.

TBH I would say OW and DCs dad should keep their knickers on and show some restraint while they dcs are visiting. FFS.

Hopefully he is just an immature, thoughtless, selfish tosser who has had enough of a shock to feel ashamed of his behaviour and won't do it again.

sorry tis shit for ye talcs, hope things go ok tonight

Update.
DDs returned with mixed feelings.
They both say that he has told them that he can promise that they will not witness anything that will damage them.

They asked him if that meant that he would not have sex whilst they were in the same room...
He refused to answer that question.

As it is apparent that i can not dictate to him, or my dds what to do.....

I have told them that i will support them with any choices they wish to make.

He continues to leave them feeling uneasy.

I am beside myself.

I have made a gp appt to discuss this with family gp and get in on the record.

I will write a letter to solicitor in due time, pending on future visits.

Thankyou for listening.

oh, and he had a moan at me just now for allowing dd to tell him about a parent's evening this week, instead of telling him myself, which i was going to do later!

Well you've given him the chancwe and he's blown it. It's fairly obvious he meant "I'll make sure you're properly asleep".
I think you should call SS as well to get his response on file and make it clear this came from your DDs, who are worried.

I think he's had enough 'chances' now.

His daughters are still uneasy - they have had to talk to their Dad about having sex while they sleep in his bedroom and he cannot guarantee that it won't happen again (and fgs how hard is it just to wait?!?!).

I think the GP is just the first step. You need to ask the GP who else you might need to talk to.
CAB, SS, solicitor (if you can afford it/legal aid???

When are they due to go next when gf is there? this weekend?
i think they may be ill - too ill to travel....

Yes NSPCC or Childline are a good idea.

He can't let it continue and there only seem to be 2 ways that it won't happen again:
a) they never spend the night when gf is there too
or
b) he moves and gets them their own bedroom

Whatever happens, they are never going to forget that they have been present when their dad had sex.

(i was woken by a roommate once to tell me to go and sleep somewhere else as her boyfriend had sneaked in. thoughtful i thought. until she told me afterwards that they had already had sex, then woken me up to kick me out still feel yuck about it now tbh. i was 18 and she was just a 'friend'. sympathies to your girls)

I was SEVENTEEN when I slept on the floor of the university accom that my sister shared with her boyfriend. I woke in the night to hear them having sex, my sister cried after telling him she'd never had an orgasm before, then he got up to wash himself in the sink near where they thought I was fast asleep.

17 and not a virgin, and it scarred me I tell you, it was horrible and I never stayed there again.

The absolute minimum for the sleeping arrangements at your ex's place when the children are there is:

Gf and dds in the room with the double bed in. Ex and gfds in other room one on settee one on floor.

Your daughters will be aware ALL NIGHT that they might just hear sex - they will lie still terrified to move every time they hear any movements from that double bed in case dad and gf think they are awake.

I don't think its appropriate for their dad to be sharing a room with girls of that age. He should only have them over when gf not there and he should sleep in the lounge. I remember being 9 and would not have wanted my dad around when I was getting dressed etc.