Having sex in the same room as dds................heeeeeeelp

[namechangedbutaregularmnetter]

Brief history...

I split with Dh 7 months ago, he is in a one bed premises, he has a girlfriend.

My dds spend 3 nights a week with him.
He has a double bed and a set of bunkbeds in the bedroom.
My ex is having sex with his gf while the dds are hopefully asleep.
DD2 discovered a used condom this am.
DDs are not happy with situation...have talked to him.

I have just spoken to him...apparently i am not being 'grown up' about it.

I feel sick, i have step daughters and respected their privacy at all times...
and now i'm going to rant...
feck i need a smoke...and i'm giving up....

hmmm...anyhoo....heeelp

Also, I don't think showing your girls the thread is necessarily helpful. You being strong in your resolve to be the adult and put your foot down is all that's needed.

I mean, I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but they've been pulled into situations too adult for them as it is, try not to put them in the middle of an argument that is yours to have with their father. Do you see what I mean?

In child protection terms that is one of the markers of sexual abuse i.e. exposure to porn and sexual behaviour. It doesn't matter that they are asleep, as they are old enough to wake and know what is happening.

Tell your ex that they can't stay whilst he has his girlfriend over seeing as he can't keep a lid on his sex drive. It is totally inappropriate and unacceptable.

yyour children shouldn't be exposed to this. yes tell them simply about sex but have to watch it is horrible. adult or child i would hate to have someone watch me. do they not think of that?

Not on. I was exposed to this sort of thing as a child and it was deeply traumatic and confusing. Do not let it happen again, ever, full stop.

Thanks again.
Yes you are right BITOFUN, I have spoken to my dd's father.
It didn't go well, he fails to see that there is a problem.
I will not send the children to him and gf unless he changes the situation.

Now i'm being strong

Be Strong.

Not good for them, at all.

Be strong again!

You are strong, well done. Your dd's must come first on this one - it is utterly vile to be doing this and ex and gf must be loons to ever think it is acceptable.

what SGB said.
I'd show ex the thread.
I agree dds don't need to read all this but you could tell them we all think they shouldn't have to put up with it.
poor things.

I do actually feel a bit sorry for this moronic man's GF. She would have to be a very, very stupid unusual woman not to feel a bit uneasy about having sex in front of two pubescent girls that are sort of her stepdaughters. I wonder if he is bullying or coercing her into sex...

Highly inappropriate and agree with others that he could get in trouble for this. I dont think I would let them stay overnight again

Well done for being strong, he is psycho if he sees no problem with that.

Think your definitely right not to send your girls to his house until this changes. Im sure 3 nights isnt too much to ask not to have sex while he has his daughters to stay! When I was the same sort of age as your DDs I used to go on holiday to a caravan with my Mum and her boyfriend, and listening to your parent having sex is really awful. Its very uncomfortable and embarassing, used to remember feeling physically sick for days after.
Also there not being very careful if there leaving used condoms around, that must have been awful for your DD.

This is deeply wrong, especially given their ages.

If he doesn't see sense, I'd threaten social services, actually. Worth getting legal advice anyway, to see where you stand.

I agree with sassy.

Thanks again...
I had a couple more heated convos with ex last night.
He realises now that there is an issue, although he says he can't personally see a problem!

I think he is worried now.. i hope so, because his children are disgusted with him...and as much as i know that this is not their batttle, he is losing respect of his children.
He lost mine years ago.

He sent me a text saying that this was none of my business, but between him and his children. I told him that this was our business as parents.
Thank you all for being so empowering,..he knows how to wind me up ...and i still haven't smoked!

Have you told him it is abusive? And that the girls won't be staying with him while these are his sleeping arrangements?

Of course it is your business if your children are being so inappropriately cared for!

sgb's posts are excellent
And of course it is your business what sexual activity your DDs are exposed to! Does he let them watch films containing sex scenes?

meant to say well done for dealing with it.

I think you should get legal advice or talk to your social worker or whoever. That way it will be documented...because if he is being a jerk about this, you don't know what will happen (eg, if you refuse to let the girls go to him, he might contest that), but if you have some previous documentation of incidents that will help you and your DDs.

You are doing the right thing btw - don't let your DDs go there until this is sorted out.

it is actually a form of sexual abuse to expose children to this. sorry. i know. just had my child protection training updated.

I actually find this quite sinister - it absolutely constitutes abusive behaviour and imho there is something deeply wrong with someone who could actually do this while their pubescent children are in the room.

If I were you would be speaking to SS regardless, as the fact he sees nothing wrong with his behaviour is deeply worrying.

What is wrong with his GF! Why is she consenting to this appalling behavior.

definately phone SS if you get nowhere with ex. Hugely inappropriate.

Poor DDs