Having sex in the same room as dds................heeeeeeelp

[namechangedbutaregularmnetter]

Brief history...

I split with Dh 7 months ago, he is in a one bed premises, he has a girlfriend.

My dds spend 3 nights a week with him.
He has a double bed and a set of bunkbeds in the bedroom.
My ex is having sex with his gf while the dds are hopefully asleep.
DD2 discovered a used condom this am.
DDs are not happy with situation...have talked to him.

I have just spoken to him...apparently i am not being 'grown up' about it.

I feel sick, i have step daughters and respected their privacy at all times...
and now i'm going to rant...
feck i need a smoke...and i'm giving up....

hmmm...anyhoo....heeelp

I agree, it is emotional abuse, isn't it.

I will speak to dh tomorrow before he speaks to dds.

Thanks so much to you all

"Having sex in front of children is sexual abuse" So all of the parents who have sex while their very young children are asleep are basically sexually abusing their children?

It's been covered, I think, beanyb, upthread.

Well there is obviously the age=comprehension factor.

I never felt 100% comfortable with either ds in the room (even if only months old) but when the children are old enough to understand what is happening it's some kind of abuse surely?

NameChanged - when are they due to go next? Next weekend?
Obv you & ex don't necessarily get on well, but is he normally a good dad & concerned about his dds?
Maybe keep appealing to his 'dad'-side saying it's harmful/at the very least not helpful to his own daughters and as it's only the odd night surely he & gf can hold back?

Is there anyway he can move?

Apart from the sex, can't see that the 4 of them sharing a room is ideal contact anyway.
Was the contact set up before the gf & her son moved in? should it be reviewed now his circumstances have changed?

I have to go now, just been looking at NSPCC website.

Justkeepswimming, his gf doesn't live with him. She visits a couple of weekends a month. He goes to visit her with and without the children. My dds stay with him on a monday,wednesday and a friday night. This all came to a head on friday night...fgs he was with her all saturday night, he couldn't wait?

Anyhoo, i'm going to do just that...speak to him calmly and make sure he knows how awful the situation is.

If the dds are not happy or if he refuses to do anything, i'll have to seek legal help.

Thanks again, i will update.

Why can't the 15 year old stepson sleep in the bedroom with his mother and your ex-husband and your girls sleep together in the living room.

If the girlfriend/ex-husband will have sex in the same room as your girls, there shouldn't have a problem doing it with her son there instead...should there ?

It might make your ex-husband think.

Not much that can be done? I can think of things that be done Mostly to what he keeps in his pants

I overheard my parents when I was 9. Not in the same room but next door and dad was loud. It was awful. Even worse when it's in the same room and not even with their mother.

oof it really is something that could affect your sexuality for a looong time.

I'm not sure I understand their position. They said it's not illegal....OK they know better than I do...and they said they want to give your DH a chance to sort it out - fine, I suppose. Do we know what their view of it would be if he refused to stop, despite knowing his daughters found it uncomfortable?

Also did you make it clear to SS that your children are already aware that this is happening, and do not want to go to his for fear of waking up and seeing them!?

It is crazy! Can you just let them have day time visits if they do still want to see him? Then there really would be no case in court (I assume, I have no idea really!) beacuse surely you would then not be withholding contact, and really if he was in court saying he wants his daughters to sleep in his room although he sees them in the day, and you objecting saying he is having sex with new gf there, well, it hardly looks good on him does it?

I am at this situation too.
I agree that it is abusive.
How the hell can anyone relax enough for a shag in the presence of kids?
A sleeping baby in the room or a child walking in = fine and normal. pre-teen kids sleeping there at the time? NO WAY.

This happened to my DD.. She was 7 and ex had one bedroomed flat so she used to sleep on a mattress by the side of his bed during visits.

She woke one night to find her Dad having sex with a woman (not even girlfriend.. someone he had been having casual sex with!!).

In her sleepy state she thought it was me as we had only split up a few months previously so she called my name. Ex jumped out of bed and promptly kicked woman out of the flat.

He told me about it the next day in a very sheepish and apologetic way. I went mad and felt very angry that he would disrespect our DD in this way. She refused to stay with him again until he had a seperate bedroom she could stay in.. Its sick, selfish and very very wrong!

I spoke to ex again today on the phone.
He remained calm and has agreed to listen to them. He knows how i feel about the situation.
Everyone i have spoken to about this in rl are .

Without going into any more details, i have been badly let down by a family member this weekend over this issue. I asked for a friendly ear and maybe some help in speaking to ex, but was told that it would damage the family member's relationship with ex.

That was the icing!

Feck 'em all i say.
Just need to look after myself and my babies.

Thanks for your responses x

Ex picks them up in 40 mins

fingers crossed for a decent result.

Fingers crossed for you that he listens, i have been watching this thread but didn't have any good advice i can only comment that he is being a complete twunt.

Thankye !

Are the kids still having to talk to him themselves? Did you speak to them further about it?

yep... well, he knows that i think it is not good for them to have to discuss this with him as they find it awkward.

Hence them coming to me to discuss.

He said he finds it very difficult to discuss it.

I told him today that the most important thing for the children was for him to make them, their wellbeing and happiness his priority.

He needs to promise them this, imo tha's all he needs to say, maybe an apology would be nice....and to prove that he loves and cares for them...they certainly don't feel it at the moment.

The girls are refusing to go if his behaviour continues.

I have said i will not send them overnight ...MANATEE spoke some words of wisdom, as have you all.

Gotta go...

your ex is a complete arsehold. am fuming on your behalf. well done for getting shot of him. it's very wierd behaviour.

Do you mind me being nosy and asking you was his girlfriend involved in you splitting up? It just seems crashingly insensitive to have anyone stay over on his parenting nights after such a short space of time...they must only just gettng used to you guys splitting up! And the overcrowding is bizarre too- can't he find somewhere slightly bigger? Why does his gf bring her 15 year old? It's all very bizarre to me!