Does anyone out there have absolutely no help with their kids apart from their dh, or are we the only ones in the world without the helpful granny/grandad/MIL/sister etc. etc.?

[ssd]

feel so isolated, everyone and I mean everyone seems to have someone in the family who comes and helps out with the kids to give them a break, bit we have no one and its so getting me down. mt kids are bad sleepers/full of energy/non stop and theres never anyone to give us a break even for 2 minutes. friends have there own kids, and usually help with them too.

feel so down and desperate, its never ending

wow, so many answers, I genuinely thought I'd get no reply to this thread!

the idea of a local teenager is a good one, but in reality we can't afford to pay for someone to babysit. I had to give up a decent enough paid job as it involved weekend work and no childminders worked weekends and dh does shift work , so I had no choice but to give it up and get a really low paid job that does fit around the kids. But its for the minimum wage. So we're really tight for money, have been for years (dh low paid job too.)

Someone said they feel the four of them are very insular and they worry it'll affect the kids, I feel like that too. Its always just us 4, unless the kids are at an activity or have been invited round to play with someone.

I know what I miss in having no family help is the day to day stuff I can see going on with all my pals, eg. the collecting the kids from school, taking them to the park/parties/soft play, grandad taking the boys to football just for a change, letting you get your haircut, a lift from the train when the kids are having dinner and you don't want them disturbed, I could go on and on, I know everyone reading this has their own version.

I also agree with the posters who get annoyed that friends with loads of help as so not understanding of your situation. I lost a job a while ago as the kids were off school a lot with colds/bugs, all the usual things and as it was a semi casual job, the owner said "sorry, but we can't keep you as you have to be off when the kids are off school and you're off too much". I was p*ed off, but I felt I hadn't a choice. Then a few weeks later a friend whose dd was off sick for a week seemed to take great delight in telling me "thank god for my mum, she had dd all week so I don't need to lose my job". Why are women so unsympathetic to others sometimes?

Anyway, keep posting if you've come this far and want a rant of your own, and thanks to all of you for replying xx

tigermoth, both posted at the same time there!
I agree it'll get easier in a few years when ds1 can babysit ds2 even for a little time. My two are nearly 3 years apart and if I did leave them together, they'd murder each other, hopefully that'll change as ds1 matures (fingers x'd!)
Also I agree its the parents with family help coming out their ears who never return the offer of playdates that might actually suit you. We find we take loads of friends to various things, eg/ softplay, the park, even camping, and we very rarely get an offer back, as these other parents have granny taking the kids to things most weekends so the parents can "have a break", so it seems the parents don't spend that much time with their own kids, why would they want to spend time with mine?

Am glad things are finally getting a bit easier for you, but its a long haul isn't it.

I find having good neigbours can help[sing the theme tune].Mines helps out by taking DS1 to/from school. I reciporate. We did ask MIL to pick up DS1 sometimes but said if she could drive she would. FIL drives and is retired and MIL works 2 hours a day lunchtime and has a free bus pass.
Usually if the neighbour busy we now just pay for childcare through after school club. I am considering saving up for a sitter service through the same organisation as it means me and DH could go to swimming or something together. The organisation will only babysit if you are working or doing a course and you still have to pay through the nose for it. Our other neighbour a lovely old man who has just lost his wife even offered to babysit but as he is infirm don't think it's practical.

Put me on the list of people with no help.

My mum lives a hundred miles away, can't drive and is still working. Bro and Sis (both married with kids) live 500 miles away.

In-laws live in France.

DH is a chef and works 5 days a week from 9am till midnight. Can't remember the last time he took a Saturday night off.

I am going on a hen night in June and he told me it was doubtful that he could get the time off. Thanks for nothing. Luckily my mum could help but I was pissed off that 6 months notice wasn't enough for DH. Some times I feel trapped by my childcare commitments. I am very jealous of friends who have DHs that work normal 9-5 jobs and have a lot of family help on hand.

Anyway, I am thinking of starting to use "Babysitters" because the resentment on never having a social life is too much now. The rest of the family can cut back on what they like because there has to be room for some life for me.

Hi, i know how hard it is, i have help whatsoever with my two...not even from the ex as he's not around. I have no friends nearby, no family, nothing, no one. I work fulltime and juggle everything. Last year i had a stomach bug and somehow managed....god knows how.

sounds all too familiar! I have no family support for childminding and am always at people who can go away at the drop of a hat without children for a weekend or longer. Having said that I wouldn't like to go away that long without dcs...
I agree that having other children round for playdates is actually easier, you can chat to mums and have tea when the kids are tearing the place apart but they will be knackered and have an early night - result! You do sound so down, see if your dh can get a day off and when kids are at school spend all morning in bed!

Whereabouts are you based SSD? I would love to meet other mums in similar positions to build a support network to help each other.

ssd - feel foryou. I don't have anyone - not even dh really helps - not a hands on dad. i do have a nanny during hte week when i work but she finaished when i do and therefore i do not get rest or respite if you see what I mean. Weekends are especially bad and i actually look forward to coming to work!!

No extra help whatsoever here. I think the worst aspect at the mo is feeling ill myself and with a 1 year old and 4 year old there is absolutely NO CHANCE of resting.

When dh and i were together, we had no help. I have friends who say the same, no family around.

Have been on my own with dd for 4 yrs now, no help. i sometimes smarts a little, if you hear of someone saying oh the dc's are going overnight to the gp's, but not for too long.

I miss the chance to go out and socialize most.

I'm lucky to have an understanding boss - I worked 2.5 days of the last two weeks because of the snow and then chickenpox. What would have happened if I couldn't have "worked from home" - emergency leave for a couple of days, so I could make "Other arrangements" according to the booklet we had from the HV. That would be calling Mary Poppins? Teaching my 22 mo dd2 to look after herself (here's your lunch, here's the calamine lotion, see you at 6?). It makes me very angry.

Now dd1 is 4 1/2 I decided she was old enough to stay with the gps, so that's what she's doing for HT. Of course, I'm completely on edge now, she's never been away from us at night before, so I'm not trained any more than she is! So, even tho they live 6 hours away, they can help for pre-arranged things, just not the sudden emergencies.

Also, it's hard to build a support network when you're working FT and weekends are a rush to get everything done ready for the next week. We barely know our neighbours are hardly ever see them!

Message withdrawn

anyadvice on how to get reliable babysitters when your children are that in between age-c.11, so still need a sitter, but old enough to not really like having a stranger round?

I have no contacts at all where I live, children too old for me to be involved in toddler etc groups.

I just do not know what to do to get a social life.

solanum, have any of your kids friends have big brothers or sisters old enough to babysit for you?

I don't know if this will make you feel better but my MIL is a PITA (downright nasty control freak) who since the moment DD was born has tried to "compete" with me to be the main focus of DD's affections.
She was always VERY willing to help out until I put a stop to her nonsense help.

Now I get no help at all apart from DH.
It is very hard, sometimes I feel like I am pedalling backwards, especially as I have no career to speak of and would like some time to myself to work on that.

But if I had to choose between help that comes with strings attached or no help at all, then IME no help at all is the easier of the two. SOme mothers and MILs may be giving their help but I guarantee that in many cases it will come at a price and at some point the "look at all I've done for you" line may be tossed around. That is the biggest stressor I can imagine.

What you are dealing with is mainly logistical problems, the fact that you simply can't get a break. I think a babysitter is a really really good investment. It doesn't even have to be at night and you don't even have to DO anything when you hire them. You could hire someone for a SAturday afternoon then go and read a book in a coffee shop by yourself or go to an internet cafe or something. I find that having this small gap of time is very refreshing and I feel like a different person afterwards.

Sakura,

My PIL live a 4 hour drive away and are willing to help out but I often think it is not worth the hassle and don't accept their offers often so i know where you are coming from.

I especially have issues with them now that I have another baby on the way as my MIL was a complete PITA when I had my 1st child and I would rather have no help than have her anywhere near me when I have this one.

I am planning some regular childcare after this one is born and agree that if you have the option of using paid care then take it - it can make such a difference to your wellbeing.

I am late to this thread, but I posted my own sob story last week when I was feeling sorry for myself. My parents moved to France last summer and I was devastated. My sister now lives in Manchester as I do, but is single and fancy free so she is no use. DH works 9-5 and I work 6-9. DS doesn't sleep, DD is wonderful and we have another on the way. Its such fun isn't it.

suwoo, I remember you posting about your parents moving

its hard going isn't it

also, I see from your blog your ds doesn't sleep well, my ds2 is still in with me and he's 7!!!

hope you sort out your ds, let me know what works for you (I've tried it all and nothing works here)

also your pics are lovely!

my dd comes in wth me too!

my mum moved to spain about 2 months after i had dd. I miss that feeling that she can pop over. yet we all adjust to what we have to cope with i guess.

I don't have any help either. My lovely daughter is two. My husband helps when he is not working. We haven't had a day or night out since before she was born. Everywhere I go, my daughter goes (Except when I had my operation a month ago).

My MIL came to help a month ago, but her time is up and she is leaving on Friday. Mind you, what she calls help and what I call help are TWO differet things or maybe I llive in a make believe world (I don't want to HIJACK this thread, so I won't explain).

My Mum?? That is another thread. Besides, they reside on another continent.

I totally understand how all of you feel and although, it doesn't help our situations, it does make things easier to know there are other people in my predicament.

We don't have family close either, though when we do go to MIL's house, we go out.

Go to the nearest college that does a Childcare course and ask if they can reccommend a babysitter. Have her there a few times when you are there to get to know her, and viola!
Or ask around.

seems theres laods of us without help, pity we didn't all stay local!

It is ashame we aren't all local to each other because then we could chip in and help each other!!!

in the past nearly 6 years, i haven't even so much as gone to the cinema on my own.

i used to live alone and spent entire days in silence.