Does anyone out there have absolutely no help with their kids apart from their dh, or are we the only ones in the world without the helpful granny/grandad/MIL/sister etc. etc.?

[ssd]

feel so isolated, everyone and I mean everyone seems to have someone in the family who comes and helps out with the kids to give them a break, bit we have no one and its so getting me down. mt kids are bad sleepers/full of energy/non stop and theres never anyone to give us a break even for 2 minutes. friends have there own kids, and usually help with them too.

feel so down and desperate, its never ending

If you're relying totally on other parents/ neighbours for reciprocal babysitting then you might find this site My Night Off useful - it allows you to set up a local babysitting circle and manage the 'credits' earned online. I've set up a group for our immediate street recently, but we haven't started using it yet.

ssd - we don't get much help either. My parents live half an hour away but are nearly 80 plus my Dad is ill.

It is tiring, but as time goes on we have got to the stage that we don't miss it. B and SIL would probably exchange help but I wouldn't trust them with a goldfish

Ds and I have a basic rule that at the weekend, we have a full two hours each to ourselves - he looks after the kids whilst I go to a local cafe and read the papers, and he usually goes somewhere to do the same or goes out to watch some sport event at the local pub. We try to stick to it. We don't go out often just the two of us, we have babysitting swaps with a few friends on our road but we don't do it often. I do rely on my friends to do some babysitting during the day - if I need to go to the doctors, dentist, etc. It is very hard, I have no family here (I'm from Canada) and DH's family is all over the place.

At least on the upside we don't have PIL/parents under our feet all the time - that would do my head in!

Me too. I'll join the club. It so tough isn't it. My family live os tho i have a mil in this country who isn't comfortable being alone with the pfb. I had my first offer of babysitting from a friend last week, tho i don't think it will actually happen as she travels all the time. The isolation is numbing at times, yes. Though, i find i'm dealing with it better than i have in the past. CAT me if you like. Would love to chat.

We're the same too and it just feels SO unfair at times.

I love my kids and have 3 under 5 ( 5, 3 and a half and 22 months). Well, I suppose it's my fault for having children so close together but my husband and I never get a break and it puts a huge strain on our relationship.

Getting quality time together is impossible so we have to steal an hour or two here and there in the evenings to keep our relationship alive. No-one wants to babysit 3 children of these ages- just too much responsibility probably.So we never get out together at weekends. My in-laws come up about every 2 months to see the kids for the day and have helped out when I've been in hospital having the next child, but very little practical help.

I have medical complication from pregnancy which has resulted in a separated abdomen and hernia. I have to have surgery in the summer or when I can face it . None of this really helps at all when you have lots of housework as well as having to lift and live around young kids all day.

DH and I get out about once a year!

So we do a weekend arrangement where he lets me out on a Saturday to go for a coffee, do my writing, go into town to see an exhibition or whatever I want to do during the day and then he goes out in the evening to do his music or see friends. The Sunday we have as a family.

We don't do this EVERY weekend - just when it suits us.My own mother rarely comes up as she suffers from depression and my father lives in Cornwall and says he doesn't like young children, although he does send presents.

It is so hard never being able to just go out and live your life as you used to and I had I known exactly what I was taking on, I would have left a much bigger gap between children. It is totally relentless just the same monotony day in and day out with no relief. DH works all day in London and so almost all aspects of childcare are left to me although he does help at weekends.

We take each day as it comes and I'm sure once the children are older I'll have more time to myself.

We feel like that couple in the new film with Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio- 'Revolutionary Road'- trapped in relentless work and childcare in boring suburbia!I really am tied to the kitchen sink and although I am not unhappy, doing everything with no family to give you a chance to get away, refresh and renew with your partner or even just your own self is bloody hard and I have days when I could scream at coping on my own all day with two toddlers and a 5 year old ( oh the joys of the school run!). I adore my kids until the end of the earth but today's society is very unforgiving when it comes to parenting I feel and you are on your own unless you are very lucky.

I have lots of friends all who have young children but I hate to ask for help as they are all so busy themselves with their own families.

I get through with wine, sex, my writing or a good book, Radio 4, my faith and church life. So I try to see all the positives as well. I'm alive, fairly healthy and have a loving family. I do understand how you feel and how frustrating it is to feel isolated but you are not alone in your situation. Keep smiling

me too! dont forget me

ssd you do sound down - get yourself a teen baby sitter

even in the day on a saturday or something...

today i was feeling a bit hemmed in - i made dp drive me to sainsburys which was shut and then just drove round looking at houses for a bit with the babies asleep in the back!

fwiw i have a better life than i did when my first 3 were small

my advice is this - if you are going to have a large family - have a gap

the teens are next to useless 95% of the time but 5% when the babies are in bed they can sit ( it's what they're good t )

We have all our family near by and no one helps out, i have to give 3 weeks notice if i need a sitter for an hour to go to dentist! So isolating, house was full of friens and family when DD was born, fast forward one week, hardly seen them since!!

One idea that I got from a previous thread like this on Mumsnet that has worked is advertising at a local college for nursery nurse students as babysitters, or at a local Uni for students doing Primary School teaching degrees. Nursery nurse/teaching students are all CRB checked, and we asked for references too that we followed up. Much cheaper than an agency (tho not as cheap as family...but we are in the same situation as you and it is not a player). Generally £5/6 an hour max.

PMSL at booked a tennis court bet you were speachless to that!

We have very little help my Mother will do some eg sit in the house when she visits once the dcs are in bed but it is very much on her own terms (eg she refuses to wipe bottoms, change a nappy, help child into car seat do up straps etc) but I am still grateful.

My MIL lives a long way away (thankfully!) but she does everything for my SsIL: she drops children off and picks them up to/from school provides full time childcare during the day for those too small for school or holidays, and overnight care when needed/weekend care so parents can go away. She cooks everyone tea, makes clothes and of course babysits. It would be too much for me but I do expect her to treat our place a little less like a hotel and be a little less critical of us (eg our flat is too small she doesn't feel comfortable in it -never crosses her mind that it might be small because all my salary and sometimes more is going on childcare.) Again when she invites herself to stay (which is only because she needs free accommodation in the UK) she has once sat in the house with sleeping children while we went to the pub. This of course needs to be paid for with an expensive meal out etc.etc.
This arrangement obviously works for her daughters however one SIL in particular denies any help, and repeatedly sends snidey e-mails about how she has never left her children with anyone, could never use a nursery, has never spent a night without them - still they make us laugh!
However IMHO worse is offers of help that don't materialise, my other SIL (who virtually lives with her Mother so wouldn't understand any of this) offered to have dc1 while dc2 was born. Previous labour had been very quick so this wouldn't have been for long. When the time arrived we phoned to ask if we could bring dc over only for the offer to be withdrawn!

Yes another one here know exactly how you feel, it's so crap (and I use crap) when all your friends Mums seem to be round all the time helping them out and to go get a haircut is a major event for you.

Actually I am telling lies as yesterday DP and I had 4 HOURS alone together as SIL babysat, she does about 2-3 times a year but apart from that we are on our own.

MIL visits once a month but again like lods on here it's to be waited on hand and foot even when I was pregnant and could hardly walk with SPD

My Mother is a toxic nightmare and better avoided

My Dad don't think it would even occur to him to even offer to help out

I think they like the idea of grandchildren, like passing the photos around their friends but thats about it really.

Never an option as 3 of the Gparents have passed away. The surviving GP is elderly. Our choice to have the family. It's tough and someday I WISH for extra help even just for five minute to rest the aching head.

Yet another one who wants to join the club! I live abroad, which I know is my choice! So my family are all in my home country and dp's family are even further away. Dp works 6 days a week and doesn't get home until 10pm, so we never have a whole weekend together even and I can't even go to an exercise class or out for a walk in the evenings. No money for babysitters either. I only have one dd who's nearly 10 mo, and reading this thread has depressed me so much, because I can see now I'm going to have no life for the next 10 years!! And I soo want another lo but am scared I couldn't cope. I was hoping it would get easier, not harder! I feel so alone sometimes and have found the resentment hard to deal with. In fact I've been to the doctor's about pnd as I've been finding it hard to function sometimes recently. I hate feeling like everyone has it so much easier than me, I hate that sorry for myself type of attitude! And then there's the guilt for feeling this way when we all have our health, a beautiful dd and it could be soo much worse.

Anyway, sorry for moaning on On the plus side, I've met some really lovely mums who've offered to help me out and I don't know what I'd do without them. A couple of them are in the same situation as me, so this week for example I'm looking after two babies for a couple of hours on different days and then their mums are going to look after my lo - I'm going cycling tomorrow and wandering around shops/reading a book in a cafe on Thursday (maybe even with chocolate cake)! OP, maybe you could find some mums over the internet/local toddlers group (even though yours aren't toddlers) or you could put up a notice at the library?

we don't have any help either. my DS is now 18 months and not once has either of my sisters, who live in the same city, babysat for him or looked after him for more than 15 mins when i was there anyway. my parents are too elderly to help. the result is we have to pay for every bit of help we get. i think because we now have a good network of babysitters etc my family think they don't need to bother... it's not the lack of help that upsets me most; its the fact that they don't care enough to be more involved. i just don't understand that. but i try not to dwell on it because i don't want to think badly of my family or become bitter about it, so i just try to accept it and make do.

We are in your situation too. We are in Yorkshire - mum in Somerset, PIL in Gloucestershire and siblings in France, Surrey, Wales and Worcestershire.

I am cultivating my friends. My NCT friends in particular, although they all have local family, so no need for them to create a babysitting circle.

I don't really get any help from family either. Dh's family live in NZ, my widowed mum lives 200 miles away and apart from my lovely but mostly useless bros, the rest of my extended family live abroad.

Tbh, I know very few people who have family just around the corner and/or who are willing to help out.

I don't know any different so just get on with it - but I do miss certain aspects of a closer family unit.

OJ made an interesting point earlier.

We are in the same situation. My parents are dead and ILs close but for some reason refuse to come to house to babysit so have to go to theirs. DSs are at stage where they have playstation etc (5 and 3) and don't want to leave house especially overnight. This has lead to situation where we have parents night at school/nursery and both of us can't go as can't take DC. So we have to take it in shifts. Once we had a funeral and had to use the creche at the gym!

I sympathise. I am a lone parent and have been in the same situation. My H lives about 2 miles away but will never alter his schedule to help out. He wouldnt even babysit his own kids last year so I could go to my SIL's dads funeral. His parents who helped out loads when we were together have never offered to help me out since he left us for OW ( his dad thinks its all my fault that he had affairs). My mum is very elderly and needs looking after herself and I have no friends here as my H moved us 100 miles from all our friends just before he left! I now have an au pair to help with the kids but my commute is a 3 hr round trip so I dont like to ask her to do more hours than she already does. I do get to go out when my H has the kids but usually i'm so knackered that I just go to bed. There are loads of jobs around the house that need doing but I dont have the time energy or money and I can just about support us all and pay my au pair. I just take everything 1 day at a time as if I think about doing what I do every day for the next 10 years I want to cry

We are the same, i have 4 kids and live hundreds of miles away from my family. I live in a rural village where everyone has family to help out, I have no friends as the people here keep themselves to themselves, on top of that my DH is ill and sleeps most of the time, it is so frustrating and exhausting, I often wonder how it ended like this.

Just wanted to add our tale of woe to this thread. We have no family locally and most of my friends do. MIL is mad elderly, and whilst would like to be able to help, is pretty infirm and lives about 300 miles away. We see her only 2/3 times a year when she comes to stay. She loves to see the children but is bugger all help and we have to wait on her (and accompanying BIL) hand and foot. Other in-laws are also a long way away and generally too wrapped up in themselves to show any interest. My family are a bit closer (still an hour and a half by car). Mum helps when she can but is currently fully engaged looking after my sister and her new baby, and as mum is on her own I think it is a bit much for her to look after both my DCs while they are young.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately and seriously considering whether we should up sticks and move to be nearer my family. Lord only knows what we would do about jobs, and I would really miss our friends here. It feels like a choice between friends but no help or family with (a bit of) help. I would really like our Dcs to enjoy a good relationship with the extended family, as I did growing up, and I worry that as an insular unit of four it can get a bit claustophobic for all of us at times.

Having said that, I don't think my Mum would want to take on regular care for my Dcs and I wouldn't expect it either. It would just be a big help to have occasional, ad hoc help.

hey ssd i hope it has helped to find you are not alone after all!

My parents live about an hour's drive away but are elderly and although we visit them weekly and they love to see ds, i can see they are tired by the end of the afternoon even when we are there to keep an eye on him. I don't think it would be fair at all to ask them to care for a energetic 2.8 year old by themselves. My sibling is abroad, as is dh's parents and brother. No other family alive.

We live in a semirural area and yes, most of the people i know have grown up here, have extended family all around, helpful apple cheeked grannies who homebake and jolly uncles who will take toddlers out on their tractors for the day. I know that jealous feeling when the mums casually say oh yes they are at my mums this weekend, or, my sister is taking them today so i can shop/haircut/shag my husband loudly this afternoon.

DH and i haven't been out together at night since ds was born. We do go out separately for sanity's sake but its not the same, and i think our relationship is suffering. We just end up in front of the tv, not really talking just sitting in the same room.
Am going to investigate the idea of a NCT baby sitting circle, there must be SOME other people around here who don't have 27 relatives within 3 miles.

Swapping with friends is definitely a good idea as long as you feel you can cope with extra children. Have you tried putting adverts on a notice board at local school, college, i know when i was studying we checked the board regularly and 90% of us would try for the same job. It can be useful to students doing childcare courses as they can use your children for coursework, observations etc. With your consent of course.

ssd, same here. I have sufffered this for years. No family support nearby, irritated by the thoughtlessness assumptions of some parents with family support. Two active sons with a 5 year age gap, no clubs they could join together to give us a break.

When my youngest son was around 5 or 6, my oldest son was 10-ish. By chance, three or four of his friends had younger brothers (brothers who were 2 or so years younger).

I hit on a cunning plan. I would deliberatly invited both brothers back for playdates, giving the other parents child free time, for which they said they were very grateful. All the boys would get on well - ds2 was happy to play with older children. Naively I hoped the parents would automatically do the same for me and host a doube playdate with my 10 and 6 year old.

Not a chance! These same parents would just invite ds1 back, leaving me with ds2 - totally oblivious. Deaf to any hints I made about how well all the boys seemed to get on when they were round mine, how little time I had as I had no family to help with childcare, how nice it would be to have a few childfree hours.... deaf to all of this! By coincidence the parents all had lots of family support.

Of the four different sets of brothers I invited back for double playdates, only once did it result in a joint invites back for ds1 and ds2 - the parent in this case was a single mother (with support from her mother and sister) who realised how difficult it was for dh and I to get time alone together. She is now a friend and the only local person who I could rely on to have my children in a crisis.

SSD chin up, though. It will get better. My oldest is now nearly 15 and has been able to babysit my youngest for several years, just a little at first, but now can be trusted for an evening or half a day in the school holidays. He collects ds2 from school once or twice a week, thereby saving on playclub costs. This 'family support' has taken a long time in coming and, as I knew it would, it really makes a huge difference.