Does anyone out there have absolutely no help with their kids apart from their dh, or are we the only ones in the world without the helpful granny/grandad/MIL/sister etc. etc.?

[ssd]

feel so isolated, everyone and I mean everyone seems to have someone in the family who comes and helps out with the kids to give them a break, bit we have no one and its so getting me down. mt kids are bad sleepers/full of energy/non stop and theres never anyone to give us a break even for 2 minutes. friends have there own kids, and usually help with them too.

feel so down and desperate, its never ending

a friend of mine's mum takes her 3 kids for a week or two at a time... she's fab.
but it is hard not to have anyone- i do sympathise.

No, you're not alone - another one here. We're about 80 miles from my folks and 90 from my ILs, further from my SIL. We chose to live here to be as close as possible to both families - we are the centre point!

I was gutted recently when my parents, who I'd been relying on to drop everything and do childcare for DS when DC#2 arrives (in the next few weeks) said NO

I found a babysitter through MN following a similar moan of my own a year ago, and have since found out that DS's nursery staff tend to do some babysitting on the side too, and it is invaluable.

It doesn't sort out the work issues - I work 20 miles from home, DH 40 miles away and that is difficult. Heaven knows what I will do when the kids are school age. I can quite see that I may have to give up my hard won and much enjoyed career as we just have no support. Ho hum. And people say there is nothing left for feminism to achieve...

Another one here. I did swap babysitting with a friend a few times and have my teenage neighbour babysit a couple of times year but that is it.

If they are 8 and 10 they must be at school. Can you and your dh manage a day or afternoon off together every so often? Or maybe you could meet him for lunch.

Mine are 10, 8 and 5 and the youngest has just started school. I work nights so get the days to myself and plan to meet my dh for lunch every month or so.

It is hard but I am used to it. I figure I have another 6 years and my dd can babysit the other two.

I used to be in this position. Because of DH's job, we lived in a place where we had no family whatsoever for 100 miles. I also didn't have any friends there apart from the people who I met at the NCT. PILs are elderly so even if they did make it for a visit, we would look after them. None of our siblings had children and they were all younger and single and miles away. We also had a house that needed work doing and DS was a demanding baby partly for health reasons. Also, DH worked 7 days a week and is not someone who is handy - he just wanted me to look after him.

The whole lot drove me absolutlely mental so we decided one day that it was no longer sustainable and it was a miserable existance. We moved 150 miles to be near my family. This was really difficult. For a while, we had no home and moved in with my mum. (me pg and sick, toddler, DH). It was a nightmare getting the mortgage and getting the house to come through. Also with DH job move, that was stressful and there was every chance it would go wrong. I resigned from my job and haven't got another one down here, partly because I had a baby etc. Anyway now I think we are through the worst of it and settled here and things are much better.

I would say 2 things

-when you see someone like me who has help, it might be that it was not always like that and I might fully understand your situation and be very willing to help you
-think about how you can change the situation, even if it is drastic. we bascially left our lives behind which seemed unthinkable when we first said it. if you can't do this, take other steps to make things more manageable as other posters have suggested.

My family/IL's are not in the UK. But we know a 20 something who comes around for a few hours if we need it. So 2 or 3 times a year we get to go out. Since she lives a little far we don't go out in the evening but go for lunch or a movie in the afternoon.

I am not too keen on cultivating the teens around here. They were hanging around the road last night after midnight and finally knocked over the loohire that the gas men have outside our house and ran off.

We're in this position.

ILs abroad. My dad is 400 miles away (mum passed away when I was a teen). Sister abroad.

Don't know our neighbours (our fault, I know!). None of my friends have kids yet, and are scatttered throughout the country anyway, so can't look after DD.

But we knew this before we had DD. You just get used to it, I suppose.

I do feel a pang of envy though, when people talk about leaving their LOs with family. It'd be nice to have someone to rely on - even if only (god forbid) in an emergency. Or even to have someone else 'interested' in DD, IYSWIM. Of course, her grandparents are interested in her, but it can only be a very distant sort of concern when they're all so far away.

That's life, though.

This is how it used to be for us/me. We have now moved right next door to my Mum and have all our friends and family around us. It makes such a differance.
it is so sould destroying. You say you have friends where you live, do they ever help out? Where are your families?
You do sound very down and I can remember how that feels, it kind of spirals the only advice I can give is to try and do something active about it. I realise it is to extreme forsom people to move to be near family etc but could you move a bit closer? have you thougt about the local clubs and groups you may be able to get info from the doctors surgery. Sorry I cant be more help.

Where are you roughly?

Really should start checking for mistakes in my posts before posting them

oh we haven't
we deliberately live not very near anyone though, so we can't have it both ways!
i make sure we try to hagve lots of friends who will help us out in return for favours, and some decent paid childcare
it mostly works, isn't the easiest but as i say it is partly what we have chosen

I tend to take the view that nothing is free or as nice as it seems from the outside anyway. Ok so I don't have family support but I also don't have family conflicts - disagreements about food, discipline, clothes. The stuff AIBU is often made of, with posters tearing their hair out over behaviour of parents or parents in law.

We don't have family help (okay, we do occasionally, but it has to be sorted about 6 months in advance) and I prefer it that way - no-one to interfere, no-one to feel grateful to etc etc.

We do however have a wonderful and flexible childminder and two teenage babysitters, all of whom live in our road !

sorry you are feeling so fed up, but at 8 and 10 they are not far from being more independant!

we dont have family either nearby and we have 2 under 3's, but so know what you mean! all help we have we pay for, cleaner, nursery 2 days a week for dc1, creche at the gym, evening babysiting .. dh and i often take turns going out at night which works for us! weekends we do lots of family things...

down the line i wouldn't rule out having an au pair to help out! i love living in london, so cant see me moving to be nearer my family! its our choice and i am happy with our insular family!

be kind to yourself, there are lots of great suggestions on this thread!

i have a couple of friends who are single working mums with no family nearby either, fab women!

No, I don't have any help. My family all live 250 miles away. In-laws about 100 miles away. It wasn't too bad when DH was alive as we just used to have separate social lives but at least we both got to go out. Plus I used to do babysitting swaps with a couple of other mums for the times when DH and I wanted to go out together.

Not so easy now I'm no my own. Since DH died in August, I've been out three times, all to school things. I do count myself lucky though as I have some very, very good friends. Lots of offers of babysitting but I don't like to take them up too often as I can't reciprocate. At the moment, I just tend to have people over to my house rather than go out. Again, I am very lucky that my friends will do this. Plus my sister and SIL will both come and stay over if there's anything really important, though obviously I can't ask that more then once or twice a year

We are similar. We have never had support, although in a dire emergency we probably could invoke one or other sets of grandparents. It just never seems serious enough to drag them on a 600 mile round trip.

I think it helps me to know that we are not alone round here. Lots of people are without any support, particularly those who have moved here from abroad.

The thing I miss the most is minor illness cover for work. We recently got a letter from the autodictats in 'HR' about the snow disruption. It said that parents would be paid the first day that the schools were closed, but thereafter they were expected to get relatives/friends to look after the children and come in to work. For some reason it really peed me off, just because it rammed a message home that people expect you to just be able to access free childcare at a moment's notice(!).

My kids are younger though.

I think you sound down. I think family support is something you miss when everything else is getting you down as well. The relentless nature of it.

We have absolutely none.

My parents are about 5000 miles, as is my family.

ILs are 90 miles away and in very poor health.

MummyDoIt - I'm sorry for your loss.

MummyDoIt sorry OP but I couldn't not reply to this, i am very sorry to hear about our DH. Lovely you have a supportive friend network. I don't think you should feel bad about not being able to reciprocate babysitting though. I wouldn't expect a thing back except for you to have a break and enjoy yourself, i'm sure thats the same for your friends.

We have no-one either - well my brother and SIL live around 10 minutes away but they have no children and aren't really the types to offer help, though they did babysit one afternoon when DD was 18 months old so that we could go to the cinema. The first and only time though! DH's sister has MIL (her mother) living within a couple of minutes and MIL is at her house every day. I think that would probably drive me nuts but I did used to feel a little when she'd announce that SIL was having an afternoon nap whilst she looked after DN. (DN is 18 months older than DD) MIL has been unwell over the last few months and I do wonder how SIL would 'cope' without her mother's help if she ever had another baby.

We are about to move 100 miles away to be closer to my parents - they are 70 and I wouldn't expect them to do anything beyond occasional babysitting but it will be nice to have support there if we need it - and likewise we are moving closer to offer them support as they get older.

No you're definately NOT the only ones!
I had to cope with 3 under 2 whilst my hubbie was in Saudi....and my Mum lives in the next town!!!Only now that they're older does she ever offer to "have them" for a couple of hours.
I also know how upsetting it can be when you see other families with what seems like endless support.My next door neighbour's mum drives (about an hour and a half away!) to see her at the drop of a hat...which is lovely and makes me wonder what my Mum was thinking.Don't worry though.As they get older,they do start to appreciate how much you've done for them.

Sorry you feel bad SSD.
Do you work?

8 and 10 is not the same as say, 1 and 3.

You just need to sort some baBYSITTING OUT.
I'm alone with a 4 and an 8 year old and work f/t. No family nearby regularly.

I have a babysitter twioce a week to go to aerobics.The babysitter costs more than the aerobics, but it keeps me sane.

No one here either.
Never have had,I thought you were going to say your kids were babies,8 and 10 !

You sound depressed ,is this what is really getting you down?

We have no family in the UK. Dd is 3.5 and we exchanged babysitting 3 times last year with friends - that's how many times we've been out together since she was born.

As someone said it's just a different way of living and we knew how it would be. I would love us to be able to go out in the evening, but there it is.

Dd has a CM 3 days/week while I work. She's much too shy to be left with anyone she doesn't know well.

I think there are a lot of people like this but we are scattered - I don't know any others irl either. People talk very casually about leaving dcs with family with little idea what a difference it makes to be able to do that.

I know just how you feel. Am on my own with my 18mo son most of the time - MIL/SIL live nearby but only see them once every couple of weeks. My family live about 250 miles away. It's tough but he is in nursery 2 days a week while I'm at work, and on Tuesdays his dad looks after him so I do get a bit of a break!