Does anyone out there have absolutely no help with their kids apart from their dh, or are we the only ones in the world without the helpful granny/grandad/MIL/sister etc. etc.?

[ssd]

feel so isolated, everyone and I mean everyone seems to have someone in the family who comes and helps out with the kids to give them a break, bit we have no one and its so getting me down. mt kids are bad sleepers/full of energy/non stop and theres never anyone to give us a break even for 2 minutes. friends have there own kids, and usually help with them too.

feel so down and desperate, its never ending

Not read all the posts but wanted to add my bit as this is my pet rant..I have namechanged!

One sets of parents live 20 mins away. The others 50 mins away so not the end of the universe. However my parents have always refused to baby sit which I had come to terms with but it flipping well hurts that when I needed them when I was having a major wobble in my life (ended up on anti-depressents) they refused to come over to give support as they were off to a concert the next day! I also couldn't ask them to help look after DS1 when I had DS2 so worried myself silly about that as well.

In-laws aren't much better and we have had to cancel a number of events/sell concert tickets etc as they have refused to babysit as well. Thankfully a wonderful friend has offered without prompting to have my two later in the year so my DH and I can go to a concert for the first time in 8 years (yes...in-laws refused).

As I say we have got used to the situation by now but just when we think things may change and we take the chance on arranging something (like concert in September when DS's will be 7 1/2 and 4 1/2) and I think surely they can't refuse...and then they do..and I think why did I put myself through the hurt of even asking!!

Also what winds me up (sorry..on a roll now!) is when people who do have help DON'T APPRECIATE IT or TAKE THE PISS by abusing the help they have. And they are the ones who are so shocked when I mention my situation and look on in mock sympathy and then bugger off for another night away with their DH. I try to rise about it but it can eat me up with envy as I know we will not get a night away for the next 13 years probably and yet it seems like everyone I know has had between one night up to three weeks away. NOT THAT I want three weeks away..couldn't do that...I would just like the choice...to not have to cripple myself with worry when I should be able to ask for help and not get it.

Can you tell I have issues about this!! Sorry for going on!

My parents live 200 miles away, as do the in-laws, so we get no help from them. We do, however, have a lovely childminder just around the corner who has DS for half a day a week so I get some 'me time'. I really envy a friend of mine whose dad helps a lot, and whose in-laws take the kids a lot. But such is life - and I keep hinting that it would be lovely for the kids if they took my DS too

Not read the whole post but you're not alone. Me and dh basically just have each other which puts a stop to any time out together. No in laws and my family either live in Spain or Scotland and we are in N.Ireland. It gets tiresome at times and I get quite jealous when I hear about other people talking about their 'support networks'

Bumbly - just saw your name there - how is your ds?

herecomesarant, you and I have the same ishoos, are you me?

Just wanted to add that we are in exactly the same position - so you are not alone (as this thread shows!)

My parents live 90 minutes away, my MIL is hardly capable of looking after herself, let alone 2 young children and my sister would do it but has her hands so full with 3 children/different activities etc that it has just never happened.

Me and DH have not had an evening out together since DS1 was born nearly 3 years ago!! Dh also works away quite a bit so I am often alone with 2 children for days at a time - fortunately, although I am on mat leave, we can still afford to send DS1 to nursery 4 days a week so I at least get a break from his hyperactiveness

I too get of my friends who have parents who take the children for a night every week - that must be lovely. My parents would have my boys to stay but it has always seemed such a trek to take them over there just for the sake of an evening out iyswim - plus if we wanted to go out, it would be with friends over here, not where my parents live.

So no advice but just wanted to show that there are many of us in this situation.

oh, it is so great to see a post like this, we are in the same situation. I have a 9,7 and 2 year old. My DH is norwegian and I am Canadian, and both of our families and friends are in our respective countries, and majority of friends have kids of their own, so are as busy as we are! I often find myself longing for family to come and just give us a break! We have started paying for a babysitter to have the three one evening a month so we can have a "date night", but I would love to have family around who could help out, and we could then return the favour!

I actually asked my Dad to have my DD for a few hours this week for the first time ever. She's 7 and a half. My Dad is 84 and I just don't like to ask him for help.
I wouldn't ask on a regular basis and certainly not for a night out. I had to work which is the only reason I asked.
I have no one else really and I'm a single parent.

lol SSD....yes I think we must be the same person and I definitely have ishoos which I normally keep under check but sometimes just explode which is why your thread leapt out at me!

ssd - you sound so down and I'm probably the worng person to post as I feel the same way myself. Since the Dses were born the closest I lived to my mum and Ils was 3 hours. I am now 7 hours away from them. When they were tiny I was in Lossiemouth, so about 6 hours from them and cambridge so again about 5/6 hours.
I could cry sometimes as I get so bogged down, and my 2 are older (almost 11 and 9). Dh is going off for 4 months next week, nad I really don't know how I'll manage, I struggle a lot with Ds1 in paricular, and my health isn't good. I know I can't jsut ring mum up and say "do you fancy popping up for the night"

can you sort out a baby sitting swop with a mate? or local teenager?
it is hard with no family back up, i often have to get our neighbour to come and sit with my three so i can pop to the shop,why is it that we only ever run out of milk at night time?
i can get a sitter if i have enough notice but it is a juggle, i have to go in for an op soon and it has been a nightmare to sort out childcare for overnight.

i don't. and my dh works nights . and my ds wakes every hour an a half

So glad somebody posted on this subject!

We are the same, both my parents passed away and MIL doesn't like helping.

Do get a bit resentful at times.

Other people really underestimate how hard it is without outside support

We found a v reasonably-priced babysitter and it has helped no end actually.

I am so glad to have seen this thread. We have no-one and I sometimes get really down about it. We have never had a night away as a couple since having kids, rarely go out as it just costs so much when you have to pay a sitter as well as pay for the night out, and I do get jealous when I see how easy it looks for people with helpful families. My two are 5 and 7 now and DH works long shifts, so weeks go by when we hardly see each other and I feel like a single mum.

However, there is light at the end of my tunnel, I have started hosting sleepovers in the hope this will be reciprocated

Sorry, haven't read the whole post, but just to add yet another in the same situation - the only family nearby is dp's 95 year old deaf-as-a-post grandmother (dp thinks we could leave dd (2.8)with her, but I'm afraid I don't think it would be fair on either
of them). I do yearn for 'guilt free' time to myself - mainly so I could spend time lovingly choosing gifts for people like I used to, rather than grabbing the first thing that looks vaguely suitable before steering dd out of the toyshop as quickly as poss! But, as it was me that chose to move 250 miles away from my parents I suppose I can't really complain...

I am in a similar position. I know someone who is quite forthright about asking favors of people. She will ask anyone she half knows to care for her DC. She always finds someone to have them - even whole weekends.

Personally I think she is lucky nothing bad has happenned to them.

Having said that there are some people I would ask as I trust them - I just have not got to the stage yet where I am so desperate for a break. Yes when DD was a baby, but I would not have left her with anyone at that age.

Sorry you are having such a tough time at the momment ssd. I know your dc are older but the negative effects of having no help are cumulative I think, so I know where you are coming from!

We only have one dd (5) so it's not as hard, but we have no help either (we live abroad) and our parents are too old now to baby-sit anyway.

Reading all the posts here, I think it is sad that we are all so separated from our families, bringing up young dc in our little individual, isolated "boxes". Parenting is so much less stressful when the burden is shared - particularly between the generations - when one can gain reassurance and advice from those who have done it all before.

Could you possibly advertise for an energetic "substitute grandmother/aunt" for your children - someone who lives locally to you?

In theory, with all the posters here living far away from their parents, there must be the same number of grandparents around who are missing contact with their gc... (those who are not away cruising the Med or climbing the Matterhorn anyway) ... so you might be able to find someone willing to volunteer ...

Hope things get better for you soon x

I have no one. I'm a single mother so no dp/dh. My mum lives quite far away, the other gran is useless (forgets to collect ds from school etc). I have lovely neighbours though but I don't like to ask them incase I take the piss.

Scrooged

Ikwym about asking neighbours

nobody round here with kids anyway.

We don't have any help...my parents live 200 miles away and dh's mum doesn't drive and wouldn't offer anyway.

But to be honest it doesn't bother me that much? I don't think i really need a break, I get to go out whenever I want to (cos DH is with dd) and he goes out if he wants to. We will go out together alone again when dd is older.

i guess it is harder if you actually have family but they don't help than not having any family at all. bit like having a DH that doesn't help or not having a DH

You are definitely not the only one.
My Mum is in ill health, and my sister has a son of her own and not alot of time, although when DD3 is on her way she has agreed to step in and help us with DD1 and 2.
DH;s parents are 200 miles away and seemingly don;t care one jot about our Dd's.
I have a friend who helps me out in an emergency and as I approach the end of this pregnancy she is helping by bringing Dd2 home from school for me when she picks up her Ds (Dd1 in an Autism unit and gets transported door to door)
I was promised all sorts of help from my family when I got pg with Dd1, just unfortunate that circumstances have meant it has not materialised.

No, no help here either. My parents are 150 miles away, dh's dad died recently after a very long illness during which time his mum was his carer, and again they live about 100 miles away. Both sisters are down in England. I know so many people who have parents and family locally that help them out - and with 3 kids it would be so nice to have that support network.

ssd - maybe I am being naive at older children perhaps being easier than younger (though being single with DC's of any age is difficult) but as they get older

a) you can take them out with you so you;re not actuially confined to the house every evening as I am at present.
b) when I said pack them off on a sleepover I meant actually ask a few of their friends if they can come on a specific night in exchange for you having theirs on a night of their choosing.

Maybe I'm just a cheeky bastard but surely most parents would relish having a night off on a night of their own choosing occasionally?

nothing here either

DH's family live in another country and even though its only a half hour flight away, they're both retired and can't do enough for SIL's kids our seem to be a different story. They've been to see DD3 once since she was born in July and when they are here they disappear off to the shops, go for a wee drive, turn up hours after they've told the kids they're coming or sit and watch TV and read the paper and expect me to 'treat' them as they're on their holidays

my parents, a 2hr drive away, were hugely involved in dnephew's upbringing and yet as I seemed to be so capable I was left to get on with it, mum has since passed away and it doesn't occur to dad to help - not his remit apparently. It breaks my heart that they've missed so much of my girls lives.

I had such a wonderful relationship with my Gran and it saddens me that my lot won't have that at all

we work opposite shifts to look after the kids and on a very rare occasion my aunt will give us a night off (and by this I mean once or twice a year) or a friend of mine will come and sit so we can go to the pictures (once again very rare)

it is tiring and I'd love to be one of those people who has some sort of support but I love the kids and I'm hoping when they start to ask questions re lack of visits etc that my PIL are able to give them decent answers

We're in this situation too, but I don't really mind - both our families are far away, but that's a good thing as they can be quite hard work and I'm not sure I'd want them babysitting. I have left DS with my mum at home for half an hour, when she was visiting, and that's it. (I once left him - aged 2 - with her in a museum while I went to the toilet and when I came back he'd disappeared and she hadn't noticed! Found him legging it, luckily I know the staff would have caught him at the exit but !)

I also know plenty of families who have relatives on call and around all the time and actually that would drive me up the wall.

And the fact that we both work, with DS at nursery 3 days a week, gives us a break from childcare, and we swap babysitting with friends who live nearby. And me and DP take turns going out on our own as well. Being a single parent would be really hard - scrooged, I would ask for that help!