Am I the only one swimming uphill through custard?

[motherinferior]

Six years ago I wasn't particularly happy, but I did have a life. I went out. I had a lot of friends. I saw movies, lots of them. I'd finally decided that I was quite nice-looking, and in fact quite a few blokes asked me out, and if they were sufficiently dodgy, unreliable, attached elsewhere and/or the proud owner of a mild drink and/or drug habit, I would consent to some sort of pointlessly tortured affair-ette. All in all I was adjusting pretty well to the fact that I was facing a childless single middle age - and that I could in consequence take the risk of going freelance and generally Making A New Life.

And then I took up with DP and got pregnant and in lots of ways took a turn for the better, and actually my freelance career took off too and now I live in a rather nice house with two delightful daughters and a man who does want to be nice to me.

So why do I feel as if I'm swimming uphill through custard? Am I the only one? I have reached the point where the Inferiorettes, although admittedly capable of a certain winsome charm, also seem to behave in a manner more suited to under-fives boot camp than anywhere else. DD2 said her first sentence to me the other day (in front of another Mumsnetter and her family ): it was GO AWAY. She biffs people, bellows NO and throws herself into strops which I know perfectly well I should manage in boundary-setting chilledout way instead of standing around feeling pathetic and pointless. DD1 whinges and whinges and WHINGES, and also refuses to eat. I'm fed up and knackered - and then of course feel dreadfully guilty if they do, as they frequently do, commit a winsomely helpful act in my direction. They have eaten my life. I cannot remember when I last saw a grown-up movie. Come to that I'm such a knackered crap parent I can't remember taking them to anything similar either. And my self-image and self-esteem have taken such a major knock that the idea of anyone, however dodgy and/or desperate, succumbing to my aged charms is bloody ridiculous.

Anyone else for the custard waterfall?

Enid "they want you, they don't want me" - the story of my post-children social life. Huge commiserations and a small of rueful recognition.
BUT at least you were in Babington House and not in a muddy "play area" attached to a mediocre pub in a not very nice village in Kent, while your MIL, SIL and DH worked their way through the menu, the greedy, rude pigs .
That was a year ago and I refuse to go out with them now. I was there for an hour.

Issymum - "lunch with friends with children is exhausting" I'm so glad you said that. We had friends round yesterday and DS and their DD fight much of the time, it just seems like a battle a lot of the time.

Enid

MI and I have had this discussion before, but I have to say I never envy anyone without children. I read about some celeb or suchlike and go, hmm....very rich ...size 8 ....Georgian rectory ....designer wardrobe ...winter hols in St Barths ...no kids....oh, the poor thing! And skip off perfectly happily.
I must say, feeling deeply sorry for anyone without children dramatically cuts down the amount of envy in my life.
And yes, I know it's smug, and no, I'd never, every hint at this to childless friends...but it's honestly how I feel.

Enid, the correct reply to 'they want you, not me" is an airy and cheerful, "do they? Oh well, never mind!" YOu then remain firmly seated and pour yourself another drink.

I got married at 28 and had ds aged 29. I don't think this is particularly young but most of my friends don't have kids yet. A lot of them are just getting married now and I selfishly resent that now going to thier hen nights and weddings i have to organise childcare and run round with ds in contrast to when they came to my wedding and only one had a baby. I know I shouldn't feel annoyed by this and I'm sure it's moslty because I'm jealous of their ability to just enjoy themselves at these events.

Aloha! I think dh would die of if I did that. Maybe I will try it

motherinferior - glad to hear it's not quite so "custardy" at your place these days.

I think living with kids is a rollercoaster because of the constant demands. There definitely are moments when dd and I are completely content and in synch with each other...and I think life is grand. And then there are moments when it's overwhelming to think how much my old life/old me has evaporated and I've morphed completely into a mummy with very little room for any other aspects of me.

I have now resolved to actively notice when I'm feeling impatient/wound up, and do something about it before I get ratty. So now when I'm feeling pulled in a thousand different directions (and resent it), I try to stop for a few moments, and give myself a time out. It's amazing how agreeable dd is when I say, "ok, I need some mummy time now so you're must entertain yourself for a bit". It defuses the tension, and teaches dd that I need time to myself....and not just when she's asleep. So, I'm learning to monitor myself and gauge what I need.

The constant demands are exhausting, and I find often the times I feel overwhelmed with love for her are when I can voluntarily give to her...rather than responding to endless requests from a demanding child.

Earlybird, wise words. I absolutely love my children and some days are just bliss and we all get on and have a lot of fun but others are like this weekend. But dd and I have the day together today (she's asleep atm) and so far I'm really enjoying it. It's just a lot quieter without ds and dp and I need some peace and quiet sometimes. Omg, I'm middle aged and turning into my father!

Issymum, I wouldn't miss the children, not if I was away somewhere lovely with dp for just 1 or 2 nights, definitely not, honestly! Travelling for work, now that I hated, I agree, it's not as glam as it sounds. Mind you, the furthest I had to go last year was Manchester , not glam. I was once sent to live in a 5 star hotel in Dublin for 6 months and absolutely had had enough of that after a month. But I was childless back then and the solitude was wasted on me

"Although, having said that, I do recover rather quickly once I get to the business class lounge, order a cappuccino and blueberry muffin and spend an hour loafing around reading the newspapers. Bad Mother. "

Issymum, that is how you can stay being a good mother imo!!! my downtime mainly consists of reading on the piccadilly line, but it's mine all mine

www, in my job "glamour" = day out to chelmsford...

Glad things are a bit better today WWW. I think you and I got pushed a bit too hard at the weekend and there's always the underlying pressure to be having a great 'family' time at the weekend which doesn't always work out and makes it all seem worse. It leaves you feeling quite raw and depairing some days. Other days I just seem to have the reserves (or the right attitude) to cope better.

I know what you mean about just craving a bit of peace, just to be left alone for a bit. My head starts to spin with all the demands, but of course I love them all to bits and just end up feeling quite guilty for feeling that way.

I hope you do find the time for the little break you were talking about. I'd be happy just to lie down alone in a dark room with a cold flannel on my head tbh

ha ha tinygang, lying in a dark room with a cold flannel on my head is probably what I'll end up getting! I hope your week is better (and everyones on this thread)

Motherinferior thanks for creating this thread, I haven't managed to read all of it because of demanding ds but I can totally sympathise with you as life does feel like swimming through custard most of the time but it has made me feel better to read some of this post and to realise that I/we are not on our own. I'm glad things are looking up for you since you wrote this.

I read Tommy's reply and burst into tears, thank you too, you've made feel better and like I'm not the only one - I'm three months pregnant and have the three year old from hell at the moment and I'm really regretting pregnant as I 'm sure people are saying the same thing about me I was just about to pour my heart out to the Nov mums when I saw this and it has put things back into perspective for me.

Hope you don't mind me gatecrashing this thread and that the recent sunshine has made everyone feel a bit better. Thanks for putting things back in perspective for me too.

Enid, I have just read about our your meal at Babington house - and marina's meal in Kent. Oh yes, a very, very familiar situation. I've had years of that sort of stuff at the PILS. Getting better now, but it made me livid when I had babies and toddlers. All the other grownups thought they had a right to relax when they wanted. No one assumed I had that same right, though. For me, relaxing was a fleeting privilege, to be guiltily enjoyed when my sons were asleep.

My solution was to take my young sons out to parks and playcentres so they could use up some energy without getting into trouble. Then dh and the PILs used to complain that we were always out!! ahhhhggg....

To Tinygang and all others on this thread THANK YOU!!!i FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME!

And can I just say to TG a weekend in a padded cell with a good book sounds appealing!!!

Oh dear..looks like we have another paid up member for the custard club. Sorry if you're having a tough time SSD.Anything in particular set you off, or just a general dollop of the stuff? Yes, there are certainly times when a padded cell would be a welcome haven.

By comparison to last weekend though, this one has been much better for me. Quite a good one dare I say it. Hooray! Last week I was ready to abandon ship. Funny how these custardy moments come and go; when you're in the middle of one, there seems no way out, then suddenly things improve even though you're still doing the same amount of frantic peddaling. Must be the wine - I find that helps!

TG wine always helps here too!

My problem is lack of sleep, due to having 2 poor sleepers. I'm a different person after a good sleep and the custard clears! But today after a bad night and an early morning I'm wallowing in it! Oh well another early night......

Issymum I know eactly what you mean about over exposure to all these childcare programmes. I'm addicted to them so watch Supernanny, Little Angels and now the one that has just started on BBC3 with the Big Brother-style house. It does all make me feel very paranoid that I'm not doing the right thing but I can't seem to tear myself away. I constantly feel like I'm thinking about the future and what ds will be like in the next stage rather than enjoying his baby/toddler stage.

Beautifully put Issymum - you've summed it up for me. Especially liked '..I love my life, there's just not enough of me to live it.' As for the mini crisis - we rush from one to the next like that family with all the suitcases in the 'Fast Show'...'Come ON!'

I must admit I actively avoid watching those parenting programmes. I've caught a couple, but I try to steer clear . I come away questioning my own approach - all that reasoning and explaining..; well I try to do that, but jeez, they take it to the nth degree. What's wrong with a good old fashioned, 'Because I said so!' now and again?

Also after a day of it, how relaxing is it to watch someone else's stress? They can be a bit car crash tv though, in that you feel inexorably drawn to these programmes, even though you know they make you feel worse.

Ditto Issymum. And he is their stepfather....

hello Issymum - are you writing about me?! My DH (have only just started using this site so don't really know what all the abbreviations stands for)won't watch 'those' programs either; I rely on anything thats simple to cook (in the broadest sense of the word) bearing in mind I have a picky DH. I relish going to work and feel down on a Thursday night (don't wk Fri) at the prospect of what is looming and 'only' have the one DD (14 mths) - gorgeous, delightful and compared to some horrors I've seen via the TV, quite angel-type (baby whispere-style) but it's still hard, hard work and I feel like a martyre to the cause and like my life has ended. Feel guilty even writing this. Whilst I'm on a role, how can I get my DD to sleep a tad longer in the morning? (You can't I hear all you more experienced mothers cry!) Please let me know if I've got the MN ettiquete (sp?) right.

Me again - have just found the acronym list; ....again, oh by the way I fall into the category of being an uncertain, insecure and scared mother.