Am I the only one swimming uphill through custard?

[motherinferior]

Six years ago I wasn't particularly happy, but I did have a life. I went out. I had a lot of friends. I saw movies, lots of them. I'd finally decided that I was quite nice-looking, and in fact quite a few blokes asked me out, and if they were sufficiently dodgy, unreliable, attached elsewhere and/or the proud owner of a mild drink and/or drug habit, I would consent to some sort of pointlessly tortured affair-ette. All in all I was adjusting pretty well to the fact that I was facing a childless single middle age - and that I could in consequence take the risk of going freelance and generally Making A New Life.

And then I took up with DP and got pregnant and in lots of ways took a turn for the better, and actually my freelance career took off too and now I live in a rather nice house with two delightful daughters and a man who does want to be nice to me.

So why do I feel as if I'm swimming uphill through custard? Am I the only one? I have reached the point where the Inferiorettes, although admittedly capable of a certain winsome charm, also seem to behave in a manner more suited to under-fives boot camp than anywhere else. DD2 said her first sentence to me the other day (in front of another Mumsnetter and her family ): it was GO AWAY. She biffs people, bellows NO and throws herself into strops which I know perfectly well I should manage in boundary-setting chilledout way instead of standing around feeling pathetic and pointless. DD1 whinges and whinges and WHINGES, and also refuses to eat. I'm fed up and knackered - and then of course feel dreadfully guilty if they do, as they frequently do, commit a winsomely helpful act in my direction. They have eaten my life. I cannot remember when I last saw a grown-up movie. Come to that I'm such a knackered crap parent I can't remember taking them to anything similar either. And my self-image and self-esteem have taken such a major knock that the idea of anyone, however dodgy and/or desperate, succumbing to my aged charms is bloody ridiculous.

Anyone else for the custard waterfall?

sorry - don't half make me

MI - thanks for starting this thread and for all you and others have said, the honesty is just so brilliant - I feel so much better now.
I know I'm about to enter the chaos phase again (baby 2 due soon) but I kind of feel better about it just from knowing that there are mums out there willing to be open about their feelings and say stuff that to me seemed unsayable after I had my first. (all the other mums seemed so perfect and 'mum like' - proper ones - not like me pretending all day iykwim)

MI, I think my brain's gone to custard. My
sons have ground me down. I am now on their level - on a good day.

Films? well Shrek2 was a particular favouirite of mine, and I am really angling to see Polar Express, genuinely upset I missed seeing it in 3D at the IMAX.

TV? it's got to be Malcolm in the Middle or The Simpsons or for nostalgia, Mr Ben.

Books? The Phillip Pullman Northern Lights triology.

Theatre? I enjoyed seeing The Witches last Saturday (so thrilled to win tickets via mumsnet) and very much looking forward to seeing 'The Mole who knew it was none of his business' this Sunday. It's recommended for ages 4+ so that should be ok!

Will come back and post some more later - and MI you might be knackered but you are not and willnever be crap!

oh MI - you know you're one of my MN idols!!! Always love and respect what you say - you're fab But yes, I often feel the same way.... Dp and I reminisce about the times we'd only get up on a Sunday after The Archers - if we felt like it... Then stroll to the newsagents for a paper (a paper - fancy having the time to read one of those..?!)

These days is just living through each day until that magical time of 7pm when we can dump the kids in bed and slump on the settee. We're both several stone heavier and I'm feeling like poo at the moment...

The kids are wonderful (of course), but there's no denying life's changed - and maybe that's the thing about having kids a bit later in life - me and dp were together without kids for 9 years before ds1 came along - that's a long time to balance out the life after kids bit!!

Ho hum - dp and I were just discussing stuff like this the other night and came to the conclusion that (a) it's a good job our relationship is so strong as we'd have fallen by the wayside particularly this year with the arrival of ds2, and (b) it will get better!!

Anyway, just wanted to sympathise and empathise, but must go, because ds2 has suddenly decided to start screaming - he can sense it's nearly my bedtime..!

Well, if you could put in a proudly simpering icon I would.

I think a [proudly simpering] icon should be added forthwith. Together with a [swimming uphill through custard] icon. I would definitely need the latter were I to describe my trip to the Imperial War museum with the sons of scum this day. Suffice it to say that the visit ended with one son saying, with mild interest, "Are you having a tantrum, mummy?" Oh, and I love too you lots MI, if it helps.

dot 1 - had to laugh about your strolling to the newsagent after the archers bit - I have a friend (single) who always used to categorise the people who walked past his house on a sunday morning to get the paper - those before 11am - hadn't had a shag; those after 11am - had. And he was right, Sun am being a favourite shag time for DH and I, pre-kids.

Anyway back to the thread. I have felt like this for a while particularly all today. I WANT A JOB!!!! I want to give up freelancing, go and work in an office, talk to adults, feel as though I am a real functioning adult, go to the pub/sandwich shop at lunchtime, read the paper (oh bliss!!!!) Three days a week would do it. I promise to be a really good mum the rest of the week. Just let me be a person too.

lol at your boy's tantrum remark Scummy!

MI, I work closely with several women of my age who have chosen not to have children. They are lovely people and take good interest in hearing about my family life, and for that I am touched. I observe their lives with envy, sometimes - their many adult friendships, their holidays, their shopping expeditions, their frequent visits to the theatre and hairdresser. I do find myself at times feeling bitter about them spending all that extra money and time on themselves. And when I first started this job, I expected these single women to seem much more youthful than me.

I soon changed my mind. They do not seem any younger than me or the other 40+ mothers I know. I can't explain why exactly, but it's to do with their attitudes, appearance and expectations. They are just not the same as I was when I was a young, carfree early thirty-something. It is not as if time has stood still for them, just because they have not got children. In some ways they seem to have more in common with older, retired people. And when my sons are teenagers, and they are another 5 or 10 years older, I expect I will feel much closer to 'youth culture' and they will be reading SAGA magazine!

Half right, tm - I read Heat and Saga magazine and I bet you will too!

some great posts on here.
interesting point that tigermoth. I do think in lots of ways children keep you young and Moo, I totallythink that having children has made me a better person. Even when I am screaming at DS and feeling like worst mother in the world.

janh, I have to admit to reading Saga already. I actually look forward to waiting 20 minutes for the doctor, as his waiting room always has some copies.

I've never read Heat - really, really out of touch, me! I probably don't know most of the people it features. Is Heat part of required reading material for teenagers?

Heat should be the magazine for the menopausal really, shouldn't it?

I only know about it because of the DDs, tm, but have a flick through next time you're in the supermarket - lots of gossipy stuff and pictures and quite funny too and has a useful TV review bit at the back. You will know some of the people but it doesn't matter if you don't, it's still entertaining and you can usually imagine what kind of celebs they are (from A all the way down to Z)

Today I went out and bought myself a BIG SPOON

lol Janh, yes I can well imagine I'd imagine what kind of celebs are featured in Heat. I wonder if it's popular with teenage boys as all being well, I'll be having two of those in the nearish future.

Can I just ask: how do you negotiate time swaps with your partners? AT the moment DP is, if anything, rather more worn out than I am, and announcing that I need a break wouldn't really be fair. He's also had to be away with work a bit, which means that ironically I get brownie points which I can use for me, so to speak, whereas he's chalked up the time out with work (OK so I've had to put the inferiorettes to bed and get them up and out of the house on my own the next day but quite honestly that isn't rocket science - challenging, yes, especially when DD2 has a fit of the Screaming Nudists, but not rocket science). Time in the evenings when they're in bed isn't a problem, and I do get a bit more laze-about time than him in the mornings at the weekend (or I zip off to the swimming pool) but it can all get a bit fraught, really, and looking at him tonight there's no way I can insist on a 'break'. How do you do it?

Message withdrawn

Sounds to me like you're going to have to be magnanimous and offer him some time first, I'm afraid. Although agree with whoever said that you could do with a babysitter and some time out with DP.

Must admit we tend not to do that, 'cos we know how hard it is looking after both ds's on our own!! Our real breaks come every couple of months or so when we farm the kids out to our parents - hurrah! I think as they get older we'll take turns to take them out - dp was fab when I was pregnant and just had ds2, and took ds1 out loads so that I could get some sleep.

Our other luxury is having really long showers at the weekend while the other does the kids breakfast!!

Yes, maybe a Generous Spontaneous Offer is the way to go.

my DH plays golf every Saturday afternoon - so I've got as much time in the bank as I could possibly ever use.

MI, we just ask each other so dp or I will say 'I'd like to go shopping alone/go to the cinema/whatever' this weekend, do you mind if I do it on Sat?' and then we'll talk about the plan and it usually works out so both of us get some time.

MI I know how difficult it can be to organise a long break away from children - say a whole weekend. We find it near impossible

I guess it depends on your babysitters - how much they charge, how much they are capable of doing and how many hours they will work. Some babysitters are fine about sleeping at your house all night (and may charge a smaller hourly rate for a sleepover) so you could get away somewhere.

Or, would your dd's childminder have them for a weekend day (and night)?

Doing Spontaneous Things is what landed me in the custard

Military precision could also line up (a) more babysitters (b) an overnighter for DD1 at least chez one of her mates. Childminder, bless her, had her kids in her early 20s and is now very happily having a Life.

DD2 just bellowed ALL the way round the local shops, in manner of Tortured Beast (she is cutting a monster tooth, we think, she woke in the night too) but cheered up once we got into the library and they could both run round and ROUND bellowing at the tops of their voices. Which I found relaxing, but I think I was in a minority of one compared to everyone else in the library.