Am I the only one swimming uphill through custard?

[motherinferior]

Six years ago I wasn't particularly happy, but I did have a life. I went out. I had a lot of friends. I saw movies, lots of them. I'd finally decided that I was quite nice-looking, and in fact quite a few blokes asked me out, and if they were sufficiently dodgy, unreliable, attached elsewhere and/or the proud owner of a mild drink and/or drug habit, I would consent to some sort of pointlessly tortured affair-ette. All in all I was adjusting pretty well to the fact that I was facing a childless single middle age - and that I could in consequence take the risk of going freelance and generally Making A New Life.

And then I took up with DP and got pregnant and in lots of ways took a turn for the better, and actually my freelance career took off too and now I live in a rather nice house with two delightful daughters and a man who does want to be nice to me.

So why do I feel as if I'm swimming uphill through custard? Am I the only one? I have reached the point where the Inferiorettes, although admittedly capable of a certain winsome charm, also seem to behave in a manner more suited to under-fives boot camp than anywhere else. DD2 said her first sentence to me the other day (in front of another Mumsnetter and her family ): it was GO AWAY. She biffs people, bellows NO and throws herself into strops which I know perfectly well I should manage in boundary-setting chilledout way instead of standing around feeling pathetic and pointless. DD1 whinges and whinges and WHINGES, and also refuses to eat. I'm fed up and knackered - and then of course feel dreadfully guilty if they do, as they frequently do, commit a winsomely helpful act in my direction. They have eaten my life. I cannot remember when I last saw a grown-up movie. Come to that I'm such a knackered crap parent I can't remember taking them to anything similar either. And my self-image and self-esteem have taken such a major knock that the idea of anyone, however dodgy and/or desperate, succumbing to my aged charms is bloody ridiculous.

Anyone else for the custard waterfall?

end of hijack.

MI, I am sorry to hear this, specially so because for us this weekend could have been so custardy (dd's high maintenance coming to mind) save for rescue yesterday in shape of Small Very Appealing Friend to bond with.

However, I don't always appreciate that her style of bonding might result in total exhaustion of said Small Friend (and therefore entire family) - and, as others have said, that probably is an age-related thing, in that we're now well past that toddler stage when you have to be so vigilant about impending tiredness (yours and theirs) - so, um, perhaps aren't as thoughtful about others who're still at that stage as might be?

Beer is always a good thing on a sunny day. Also early night!

No you are definately not the only one - I have my 10m badge in swimming through custard. I am glad to hear that it gets better.

Yesterday, for me, got worse....very tired anyway, but we had agreed to go to friends for dinner.....this involves dp sitting and reading the paper whilst I run around like a headless chicken trying to stop ds falling into things (fire, cooker, hedges etc.) When it comes to eat I'm the one trying to get him to eat, and am wedged on the corner of the table because he's pinched my chair, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! This is par for the course! Ds doesn't say 'Go Away' (well not yet...) he just turns me around and pushes me away....
But now I'm a 100+ miles away (and will be 'til Friday) and I'm missing him....

Oh MI my sympathy. I'm sure from reading your posts that tyou are anything but a crap parent.
Anyoen who dithers over organic or free-trade bananas (that was you, wasn't it?) obviously has a conscience and a soul and sense of right and wrong, all useful for parenting.
And a sense of humour, ditto!
You seem from other posts to be pretty happy with your lot so I'm hoping this is a bad day rather than how you always feel.
My children have made my life complete, I love them so much, and yet I do sometimes look at the laundry and the play food on the floor and the boxes and boxes and boxes of toys and think, is this my life?
Then I realise that yes, and it's much more worth doing than what I was doing before.
How old is yr second DD? Maybe just a touch of the terrible 2s a bit early? repeat after me, she's just asserting herself, she is brave, strong and independent....

MI

I too felt like this recently (Easter). Going back to work was a relief and I felt so mean and unmotherly.

However I have been making a HUGE effort to give more time to dd and not hurry her along in everything and to laugh with her and to choose my battles IYKWIM, and have just had a blissful weekend, she responded so well. God knows how long I'll be able to keep it up!

It is SO bloody hard sometimes isn't it? Could you get a break?

MI, just seen this and can I say that I always think your posts are so witty, intelligent and right on the button. It's not surprising you're knackered and feeling like you're in a fug; kids zap energy. Have you read "I don't know how she does it"? such a funny book and really makes you appreciate how you are far from alone in this.

Does sound like you need to get out more though, I think it's easier to fall into the trap of never going out. DP and I did this and then we made a pact to go out once a week indvidually and once a month together. Don't always manage it but it makes sucha difference.

i too am swimming in the custard managing not to swallow too much, but it's in my hair and rising....and i've only got one ds.

self esteem is lost in space. and my dh does give me lots of breaks, and i don't work atm, so i've got no excuse. house is a shithole. none of my clothes fit anymore (even the ones i bought just after ds was born 17 months ago ).

feel totally invisible walking down street. can't believe that i look at young girls and think 'enjoy it enjoy it enjoy it, cause you will find mr right and you will settle down and you will bloody miss the angst of dating and being able to do what the hell you want when you want and uninterrupted vistas of time stretching ahead of you'...and i'm only frigging 33 ffs.

how is it possible that the thought of another one flits through my head. i suppose becuase if we're going to extend this whole custard experience i'd like to get on with it, not come out of the tunnel only to re-enter it.

i too feel incredibly guilty for not counting my blessings constantly (i do count them often, honest).

i'm so glad you wrote this thread. sometimes it feels as if it's just you doing the custard swimathon, but this thread proves it isn't.

xxx

As someone said lower down, it's the relentlessness of parenting that get's you down. Last week I got a really bad cold. I'm working 3 days a week atm, so turned in to work on Thursday (freelance, so don't turn in, don't get paid), and had ds to myself for school holiday day on Friday. I felt dreadful, and really just wanted to sleep, but ds wanted me to play, and give him my time, even then he had too much time in front of the T.V. and on the computer.

On Saturday I'd promised we'd go out for the day, so had to get up and do it, just so the promise wasn't broken. DH just can't give DS fun days on his own (I put it down to bad parenting in his past).

I would just like a day off sometimes.

I love my son. I know it has got easier in the last few months, when I get a day during the week to myself. But I don't get that during the school holidays, and I'm slightly dreading the long summer break.

Oh, meant to say, my mum thinks I'm uncaring because I only collect ds from school on 1 of my 2 days at home. The other day he goes to childminder until 5:30.

So it's something else to feel guilty about.

So are you happy, MI, now that you have started a MN feud? Because I too am v upset that I missed the gorgeous Tamum - but Tamum - blimey, what a horrible thing to happpen - really sorry about that.

MI - I have to laugh at the thought of the infantina saying 'go away'. What a tinkerpot! She is coming up for 2, isn't she?

I am the harridan once heard screeching 'I don't even have time to change a leaking tampon any more'.

It IS hard, isn't it? Being forced to take a 4 day work trip abroad a couple of weeks ago has been a little turning point for me. I knotted myself up in guilt, but Ds was 100% fine, and it's kind of cleared the way for blocking out guilt about other outings.

For me, I wonder if it is all about children. I think I spend a lot of time 'blaming' motherhood for all sorts of niggles and restrictions in my life, but actually I wonder if it is the fact that I have reached a ripe old gae (somewhat riper than you, you whippersnapper) and I haven't achieved the things I wish I had...today's envious hankering is a Whitstable beach hut - courtesy of a certain MN-er, and of course if I hadn't settled down with DP and had DS I would have a hut and I was just on the brink of a really interesting change/development in my career - yeah right!

And DS has just reached that really bossy, know-all and strident phase, telling people off, and now sounds downright rude rather than cutesy-cheeky.

I know. Let's stop trying to swim and just sit down and eat the treacle pudding with it instead!

Oh Blu, thank you Next time, you're on, right??? I was asking after you!

MI's dd was actually very funny and feisty

good post Blu. I too am of the tendency to see frustrated ambitions as the result of my decision to reproduce. But, ultimately it was that - a decision so it's slightly a case of, tough shit girl, live with it (at least that's what I tell myself). I've been there with the tampons stuff too. And wees. And poos. When nature calls I find myself thinking, oh ffs something else to put on the to do list, I haven't got time. How bloody ridiculous is that? I think it says a lot about just how stressful this whole lark is. Find me a person with an allegedly stressful life/job that isn't child-related who thinks like that. Personally I am convinced that there is only one source of stress that can drive you to such extremes.

Message withdrawn

This is the first thread I've ever "watched" - so I wouldn't forget to come and post on it when I had the chance.

I love your honesty, MI (and the honesty of all those who've replied). I feel like this so often. My children are hard work (especially ds1) and often I feel unfulfilled, unrewarded, and totally taken for granted. And I feel like a Mum - not a person, certainly not a sexy, vital, independent woman-in-my-own-right. I think I did feel like that, once, when I was about 21...

I was going to be Fun Mum, who made collages, went to art galleries and museums, did baking, and found stimulating, educational activities for my children to do. So how did I end up Knackered Grumpy Mum, who bungs The Incredibles on the DVD player for the third time in less than 12 hours and tries to have a sneaky kip on the settee?

Don't know what the answer is. I shop a lot. Which gives me a momentary feeling of "hey, I'm a person - look, I have a credit card" but ultimately doesn't help much (and gets me in schtick with dh and the bank!) I am very envious of your career, if that helps - I always wanted one of those

And, although it doesn't really help me with the day to day grind, if a genie appeared and asked me if I could go back, not get pissed at that work night out, come home and conceive ds1...I would do it all again. For all the mundanity, the stress, the shouting (Lord, I shout a lot), the stretch marks, the non-existent sex-life, the ceasing to exist as a human being and only being a Mum...I wouldn't, couldn't be without my boys. I may be a very different person but I actually think I'm a better one. More boring maybe (to the childless, definitely) but a better person. And those moments - few and far between but worth waiting for - when it's good, do make it worthwhile.

Phew...glad I got that out of my system.

silver Top Shop jacket? mmmmmmm hope you did get it. dd2 says Go Away with alarming regularity too, especially to dh who must find it pretty wearing. will reply to this properly later, but i have spasms of similar feelings too, but not today as I'm Just Back From Paris , xxxxx

btw, custy, i'm finding school even harder...

Good post Marthamoo.

Marthamoo, were you in my house yesterday???

I was the one trying to have a kip while the kids played on the 'puter!

They went back to school here yesterday [smug]

Unlimited kip opportunities - or would have been - but had to drive a large child back to Leeds, sigh. If it's not one thing it's another

The thing I find frustrating is that other people seem to be able to be parents and still do other things....I mean marthamoo WHEN do you have time to shop? Last time I shopped for clothes for myself was in September - no wonder I look like a bag lady. I used to love gardening, haven't done that for about 3 years. I haven't cooked supper for friends since I had kids (that's a terrible thought isn't it, I used to love having friends round).
Lots of my friends still seem to have the energy to improve their houses, do their gardens, look decent, whereas all I do is go to work and then have 'family time'. I think we do ok with the kids on the whole, but its the rest of my life that's disappeared...

Sorry I'm always posting afterthoughts...
I must say I can't see that school is going to bring an improvement - the nightmare of covering school hours and holidays starts for one thing. Plus it makes me desperately sad to wish their life away - I longed for them so much, and do love them being little, so I don't want them falling into the clutches of their peer group too soon!

I'm sorry your feeling like this MI. I'm on my way out at the moment - sharing the custard duties with another mum with a garden, very important in order to throw small boys outside for a while so we can have nervous breakdowns on the sofa in peace. I'll come back to here later, I just wanted to say that you are someone I admire a great deal, you are swimming through custard with a great deal of panache Chin up.

Well, I think you're fab, motherinferior.

Had visitors on Sunday - the mum is a Rwandan refugee, she has two daughters. One is severely autistic, the other is a very very rambunctious 19 month old. They live in one room in a poxy hotel in North London.

They are all lovely but they don't have make me count my blessings. I cannot imagine how hard her life must be.