I don’t want to send DD to nursery just because everyone else does

[cakepasta]

DD is 3 in January and we’ve been offered a nursery place for her from then. I originally put her name down because I thought it might be useful for childcare but now I’m not sure I want to send her at all. Everyone seems to think I’m being odd about it so thought I’d ask on here.

She’s an only child and is quite happy at home. We go to the library sometimes, she sees her cousins a couple of times a week and we go out to the park when it’s not chucking it down. She’s quite chatty and will play with other children when we’re out. I don’t really see what she’d be missing by not going to nursery yet.

The place we’ve been offered is 3 mornings a week but with the extra bits it isn’t going to be completely free. I work in the evenings anyway and I’d rather have the money for things we actually need tbh.

My DP thinks I’m making a mistake though. He says she’ll need to get used to being away from me before school and that nursery will help her become more independent. I said she’s going to have to get used to school whether she goes to nursery or not and it’s not as if she’ll never be around other children.

My mum has been on at me about it too. She keeps saying I’ll regret it when she starts Reception and is the only one who doesn’t know how to do anything. I didn’t go to nursery and neither did my brother, although apparently that was different because it was a different time. My sister thinks I should at least try her for a couple of mornings.

I’m not against nursery at all, I just don’t think it’s something every child has to do before school. If DD was unhappy at home or wanted to go then obviously I’d look at it differently. She’s not going to be kept away from people or anything, she’ll still be doing all the usual things and starting school when she’s meant to.

Am I being unreasonable to keep her at home until Reception? Is nursery actually that important for socialisation and getting ready for school or is it just something everyone thinks you have to do now?

I think it depends on the quality of the nursery. If it's a good quality nursery and aligns with your family values I would say it is beneficial.

As much as I think I can occupy my kids at home with toys and take them out to parks, nursery offers so much more than the resources I have at home. Everyday at our nursery have new theme experiences whether it is a science experiment about volcanoes, mud kitchen, water slides or getting local fireman in for show and tell. That I cannot do at home in terms of resources.

Also, having kids at home realistically for me means I need to do housework around them. You would appreciate a few days to catch up on chores so you can be fully present when they are with you.

If they have to get used to being away from us as their Mums I don’t see what difference it makes whether that’s nursery age 2 or school age 5 or whatever. School is still an adjustment either way. They’re only so little for such a short time, if you don’t want to send her then don’t.

A good compromise would be to put her in a nursery attached to a school.
Using your 15 funded hours it shouldn't cost you a penny.
They will be closed in the school holidays and you can do everything together then.
X

This. There is a lot of sense in getting her used to being away from you before she starts school. Also seeing the same children each day is probably quite good for building social skills if she gets on with them. But there very best thing for children is the building of attachment and security which isn't just done when they're 2 or 3. There's a huge amount to be said for having one parent at home until the child is 5 if it's possible.

So my advice is to maybe find a playgroup where you're there but she plays with other children maybe 1 or 2 mornings a week and revisit nursery as she turns 4. Send her either then or at Easter before she starts school. That will help both of you separate as you'll need to for school and will be a good thing at that stage.

I'm in the same boat!
DS is 3( birthday was end of Sept) and now umming and ahhing about nursery before starting reception or not.
We do stay and play and go to parks, museums etc. He's made friends and is content when playing with other kids at soft play or stay and play.
We've also started practicing things to get ready for school like, coat hung up at his level and how to put it on himself, recognising his name, learning to take turns when playing or asking for help.
Didn't think about nursery attached to school so that's a good option to explore!

Oh my god, keep her home and enjoy her! You sound like an amazing caring mum and that’s better than her being cared for by people who are paid to care for her! If she’s only 3 in January you’d still have another year anyway. Enjoy this special time - I would have done with my son if I’d have had the opportunity! He always cried going to nursery and broke my heart ❤️xx

Is she’s going out and about with her mum, she’s seeing far more of the world that way (libraries, out in nature etc) than being stuck in a classroom / hall with a load of toys!

I don’t think you’ve said this so will ask it, sorry if you have and I missed it…

Do you have to send her 3 days? when I daughter turned 3 I didn’t send her immediately, I was entitled to 15 hours free after Christmas but only sent her after Easter and only for 2 half days… so my question is - do you have any free hours? And if so can you only put your child in for that amount?
I have to say I would not have sent my daughter at 3 if I had to pay, nursery’s IMO are for parents who need to work, if you’re home anyway just keep her with you and teach her skills as you have been doing.. maybe just do 1 day a week for the year before she starts school to get her used to going in, although to be honest my DD was in a class with kids she didn’t know anyway, so the friendships don’t always go up with them anyway

It's perfectly fine to keep her at home and certainly won't harm her.

Will it get her used to being away from you? Yes! Will it be equally difficult to do it now Vs in 18 months? Probably! Same with socialising. And to be honest, giving her an extra year may make her better equipped.

I think there's been an incredibly successful narrative that nursery benefits children and children who don't attend are done how "behind" their peers, in a ay research simply doesn't back up. Children need to be developmentally ready for hings, and those who are will 'catch up' exceptionally quickly to their peers.

My third never went to Nursery or anything. She started school fine without problems. Do it. Dd3 is now 14 and I do not regret that precious time.

so if your 3 year old who had no understanding of what nursery is asked to go to nursery she could? I mean, that's a bit loaded.
.of course she doesn't need to go. no doubt she's doing plenty of mark making , recognising her letters and numbers and whatever else it is they do at nursery . there's also plenty of stuff like Numblocks and Alpha blocks etc if she's allowed telly.

however, she isn't getting something the other kids will be getting and going straight in at 5 from being with you full time will be a bigger wrench that it would be doing it more slowly.
could you defer the place for now and put her in when she's a bit older?

Compromise on September sounds good
There is no right or wrong decision and attentive and caring parents are the most important thing for child development

Not compulsary at all, but when both my kids started reception, all the ones who I knew from their nursery classes happily trotted straight in, while others were crying at the gate. Obviously I don't know who went to private nursery, or how helpful that was. The one my kids went to was attached to the school, and it did seem to make a huge difference to their 'school readiness'.
Edited to add, just turned 3 is pretty young, you could certainly justify waiting to September so it's only one year of pre-school

Was the same as you. Only child and I loved having her at home. Husband was endlessly saying she needs socialising. This was one argument I let him win. So I did send her to nursery a couple of days a week. She’s ten now and I’m so glad I did. Was talking to her headmistress at a social recently and she said if it was up to her she’d make nursery mandatory as it prepares kids for a school setting. I still relish those first three years when it was just her and me together. However I’m glad now as she made a couple of friends in those early days who she still plays with now.

Mine didn't go. We went to a parent run toddler group once a week and did exactly what you describe. Loads of different activities. Be that tall poppy. Your daughter will be absolutely fine.

If I had the option not to send my children to nursery and keep them at home, I'd do it :) Stick to your instincts and spend all that precious time with her - she'll be just fine

As PPs have said, as she doesn't start school until Sept 28 wait until Sept next year and pop her in the pre school attached to the school you hope to send her if they have one. I think it is good to attend pre school if possible as it allows DC to settle in over a longer period and even have a few false starts if they are really overwhelmed. I live in a small village so playing on the park just after school finishing time can really help kids mix with children they will attend reception with. I think recognising some of the DC really helps when they start school.

I never sent my last two children. They played with the children of my friends and with a range or age groups, lots of outdoor activities, and they were happy. They learned things quickly I did lots of activities with them. Both could read before school. Where we lived school started the year they turned age 5 by November. So both were 5y 6 months starting.
They loved it. I asked the teacher if it was a disadvantage not doing nursery. She said that after a few weeks of school she couldn't tell who had nursery/preschool and who hadn't

How long until she starts school?

I do think it’s helpful, as being with your cousins is not the same as being with peers in a more structured environment, it is good preparation for school,

It’s only a few mornings a week and you can still spend time with her.

I do think she will miss out on the experience if you don’t send her. Most DC when she gets to school will have been at nursery, times change.