I don’t want to send DD to nursery just because everyone else does

[cakepasta]

DD is 3 in January and we’ve been offered a nursery place for her from then. I originally put her name down because I thought it might be useful for childcare but now I’m not sure I want to send her at all. Everyone seems to think I’m being odd about it so thought I’d ask on here.

She’s an only child and is quite happy at home. We go to the library sometimes, she sees her cousins a couple of times a week and we go out to the park when it’s not chucking it down. She’s quite chatty and will play with other children when we’re out. I don’t really see what she’d be missing by not going to nursery yet.

The place we’ve been offered is 3 mornings a week but with the extra bits it isn’t going to be completely free. I work in the evenings anyway and I’d rather have the money for things we actually need tbh.

My DP thinks I’m making a mistake though. He says she’ll need to get used to being away from me before school and that nursery will help her become more independent. I said she’s going to have to get used to school whether she goes to nursery or not and it’s not as if she’ll never be around other children.

My mum has been on at me about it too. She keeps saying I’ll regret it when she starts Reception and is the only one who doesn’t know how to do anything. I didn’t go to nursery and neither did my brother, although apparently that was different because it was a different time. My sister thinks I should at least try her for a couple of mornings.

I’m not against nursery at all, I just don’t think it’s something every child has to do before school. If DD was unhappy at home or wanted to go then obviously I’d look at it differently. She’s not going to be kept away from people or anything, she’ll still be doing all the usual things and starting school when she’s meant to.

Am I being unreasonable to keep her at home until Reception? Is nursery actually that important for socialisation and getting ready for school or is it just something everyone thinks you have to do now?

YANBU. I would perhaps send her to nursery/pre-school in September for a few mornings though. They’re not simply play, there are great school ready structures and activities.

Whilst I think everything you’re doing with her sounds amazing, I think she will be missing out on a peer group and forming proper friendships. Cousins aren’t really a substitute nor are adhoc playgroups or playing with a random kid in the playground for a bit and never seeing them again. You can do it without nursery but it’s tricky and means lots of regular activities with the same group each time, organising play dates and you might find availability of other kids her age at groups dry up next year because they’re all in nursery. So with that in mind, and also because it’s almost free, I would do nothing now but would send her to a school nursery/preschool in September for the 15 hours. It’s also great prep for school.

I agree

Playschool is often just a different name for the 3-4 year old age group which if within a school is usually referred to the nursery class.
It's pretty much the same thing.

I admire you. It’s a long day with a preschooler only broken up with a park visit and seeing cousins. Don’t you want a couple of hours peace?

Im with your DH. At nursery at 3 they teach more structure - so carpet time, sitting and listening, following a specific activity. When kids join R it really is different, there’s still some level of play involved but it is a classroom setting after all. Nursery 100% helped my DD with this.

It sounds more like you don't want her to go/dont see the benefit.

I think its a great way for them to socialise with other children and be prepared for school by being cared for in a group setting.

She may be fine being away from you because ot it sounds like she may be cared for by family? Which is very different to a nursery/school setting where the keyworker/teachers attention is on a group of children, not 1-1.

Socially, it helps them to start navigating small disagreements (eg what to play, how to play, sharing toys) more independently.

Nursery/preschool also do a lot of activities that arent done at home, so whilst it is not essential, I don't think it has a negative impact, especially if its part-time.

She doesn't need to start in January though.
She can start in the next academic year (September).
She'd have a full year of nursery before reception.

I can still remember the very real shock of my first day at school, having never been to nursery or fully understood what going to school meant or involved. The memory of a teacher firmly grabbing my hand and leading me into the school, sobbing and looking back at my mum is still one of my most vivid memories- and that was 60 years ago. Many people have far more traumatic memories but I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

We are much better at readying little ones for school these days and the whole thing is far more humane, but you do need to consider what is best for her in the long run, and not just focus on what you are enjoying at the moment.

Your DH and DM are saying things you disagree with, but it doesn't mean they are arong

THIS! No judgment on nursery or no nursery, other than admiring how you seem content with having them all day, every day. I honestly could not (even if I didn't work!).

I think you’re being entirely reasonable and your daughter will benefit much more by being at home with you. There’s plenty of time to get her used to being away from you much nearer the time. My daughter was at home with me fkr the vast majority of the time before she started school. We mixed with a couple of friends who had young children regularly, and I took my daughter to Tumble Tots, and regular trips to the park, indoor play centres etc. She was a very happy, social child, and was confident around adults and other children. Being at home with her meant I had the time to teach her to read fluently before she started school and to understand basic maths. Because I wanted to be sure thst she would be ok being away from me when she started school, she went to a nursery for two afternoons a week for a term before she started Reception. She was one of the happiest children in her class when she started school and loved every minute. Dont give into pressure from other people - you know your child best.

My three year old has made me cry today and she’s been at preschool 9-3! She is bloody horrible at times. I am definitely doing motherhood wrong!

I’m not sure how but I’ve accumulated a lot of teacher friends over the years now (6 of them) and they do all say they can instantly spot things like who is the summer born young ones, who didn’t go to nursery etc and they do in general tend to struggle more in the beginning but they can’t up quick enough and if you don’t want it that’s fine. But if it’s purely a money thing a school nurser should solve that

I'm a bit confused as to why you think a few hours of playschool in the morning is different?

It's exactly the same as 3yr olds going to nursery or preschool for the 15 hours a week all 3 yr olds are entitled to?

To be fair I think most of it will be down to their temperament, so don't be hard on yourself! X

She was lovely until a few months ago <wails>

anyway sorry @cakepasta have been moaning all afternoon.

I do think @Growlybear83 ’s approach is admirable but iirc she does have one very academic clever dd. Your dd may be like this too. I think though for a lot of children three is a good age for them to start forming real friendships. Mine definitely has and is much nicer to them than to me!

I would bear in mind it isn’t all or nothing. When dd was nice she went for two days and now she’s doing three for my sanity. But a couple of mornings won’t make much difference to her being with you most of the week but will give her that chance at friendships, parties etc.

I think in that sense everyone is different. I don’t have my kids full time there are 4 and 2 and both in nursery 3 days a week and my husband works weekends so I am on my own with them all the other day and we are just back yesterday from a 2 week holiday with them and honestly it’s never enough time. I love having them all day every day, they are the best company in the world and if I didn’t put warm my husband by 3x I would love to stay home with them but I like holidays and my big house too much 😂. Honestly though w anyone is different and no-one is a better parent for liking their time with their children more but it’s also far more common than mumsnet makes out haha

I assume a nursery is for people that work as they are open for long hours. Playschool don't have different rooms,all the children mix together they don't take babies. Usually in a church hall term time mornings only.

But you don’t have them full time? I am not trying to be quarrelsome, just that sometimes what you think you want and the reality of it can be different!

Play school was more common way back when. I haven’t heard that for years actually. I used to go to play school. Used to take three year olds IIRC.

I often wish it would become more standard to have different names for daycare nursery for under 3s and pre-school nursery for over 3s.
It gets very confusing both being called "nursery".

That was my experience of school too in spite of having attended nursery for over 2 years. It didn’t help me one bit. It’s funny how these traumatic things stay with us when they happen at such a young age.

You are completely right but I did take a 14 month maternity leave with my second and took my oldest out of nursery for that full time (by choice money no issue) and had them both full time then and it was the best ever having them both full time but your right for the past 8 months I haven’t

Yes essentially that was what 3 and 4 year olds went to before starting school at 5.
Now it's just been replaced by nursery class and reception class in a slightly more formal setting.

That sounds like what I would call a playgroup.

My children are now adult, but when they were young, children in our LA weren't expected to start full-time at 4. They started school in the term they turned 5, only doing half days, and then full-time afterwards. If children weren't already in nursery for childcare, most went to pre-school for half days at around 2.5/3, and then half days at nursery school for about a year before starting reception. I think going to some sort of setting helps children get used to following routines and helps develop independence and social skills.