I don’t want to send DD to nursery just because everyone else does

[cakepasta]

DD is 3 in January and we’ve been offered a nursery place for her from then. I originally put her name down because I thought it might be useful for childcare but now I’m not sure I want to send her at all. Everyone seems to think I’m being odd about it so thought I’d ask on here.

She’s an only child and is quite happy at home. We go to the library sometimes, she sees her cousins a couple of times a week and we go out to the park when it’s not chucking it down. She’s quite chatty and will play with other children when we’re out. I don’t really see what she’d be missing by not going to nursery yet.

The place we’ve been offered is 3 mornings a week but with the extra bits it isn’t going to be completely free. I work in the evenings anyway and I’d rather have the money for things we actually need tbh.

My DP thinks I’m making a mistake though. He says she’ll need to get used to being away from me before school and that nursery will help her become more independent. I said she’s going to have to get used to school whether she goes to nursery or not and it’s not as if she’ll never be around other children.

My mum has been on at me about it too. She keeps saying I’ll regret it when she starts Reception and is the only one who doesn’t know how to do anything. I didn’t go to nursery and neither did my brother, although apparently that was different because it was a different time. My sister thinks I should at least try her for a couple of mornings.

I’m not against nursery at all, I just don’t think it’s something every child has to do before school. If DD was unhappy at home or wanted to go then obviously I’d look at it differently. She’s not going to be kept away from people or anything, she’ll still be doing all the usual things and starting school when she’s meant to.

Am I being unreasonable to keep her at home until Reception? Is nursery actually that important for socialisation and getting ready for school or is it just something everyone thinks you have to do now?

If she’s a sociable kid it sounds like she would enjoy it. I think it’s more about you wanting to keep her at home and buck the system. What’s the harm in trying a few sessions and seeing how she gets on?

Don’t send her yet just because you feel you have to. But equally don’t keep her at home just because you aren’t ready to let her go. She might really enjoy it and benefit from the experience in ways you hadn’t considered. She will almost certainly get some experiences there she won’t get at home.

3 mornings a week at just turned 3 is quite a nice balance and age to start I think.

Generations of children managed just fine before nursery was a thing.

We (GenX) survived on a couple of hours once a week at 'play school'. Our Mums socialised with other Mums and their children.

Usually because they had a few siblings to play with and extended family around them. Kids don’t now, really.

OP said that her daughter sees her cousins regularly.

Nursery?No.

Some form of group setting, without a parent... quite impirtant tk learn social skills. Could be a dance class, or sport, or music... just something.

Dont completely discount nursery though. The main benefit for many children (not all) is its fun and different. Different toys, different crafts, friends. Not better, just different.

I think she’d probably enjoy it! I do think that if you don’t send her you should be attending a or some regular play group activities so she can get used to routines , different sorts of children, sharing etc, which is not quite the same as meeting people in the park.

I agree with your husband and your mum…. I think it does children good and it’s great preparation for reception
from my experience of seeing 3 kids start school, children who haven’t been to a setting before reception find it much harder to settle in than those who haven’t and a more difficult to be away from their parents and only 3 sessions a week will still give you plenty of time together.

My daughter has got so much from her school nursery. I just can’t compete with what they can offer her. She has a gang of friends that she does endless imaginative play with, access to art supplies and equipment that I just couldn’t offer, she has music lessons with a real music teacher, dance classes with a dance teacher. Learning different sports in P.E. They have a minibus and go for days out to the beach/fire station/ local theatre/go every week to the forest. Her nursery did the Play on Pedals scheme and taught her to ride her bike without stabilisers. Putting on performances and plays with all of her friends. Every holiday is celebrated with activities like an Easter egg hunt, Halloween party etc.
They have really helped to encourage her to be independent with going to the toilet, putting on her own coat and shoes etc. bits of this I could do on my own, but so much of it depends on a close knit peer group working together and her learning how to be a contributing part of that community.

Not all nurseries are the same, but a good one can be priceless.

There's no great rush for her to start but from this it doesn't sound like you're doing a great deal with her: We go to the library sometimes, she sees her cousins a couple of times a week and we go out to the park when it’s not chucking it down. That sounds like what I'd do with my child in a couple of days off work when working part time. How are you actually filling a week? Pottering at home is fine but don't underestimate how much children enjoy socialising with others their own age. As a pre-schooler for example mine did a ballet class and then her two friends came back to ours - it was the highlight of her week. Not everyone wants to do paid-for activities but there are a lot of free activities available.

It’s only 3 mornings a week. It would likely give her more stimulation and development opportunity than you’re giving her at the moment, which would likely be good for her at age 3 - 4.
Yes children were kept home in years gone by, but most had lots of siblings and close family, more community around them and more scope to develop naturally. It’s not like that these days. School will be easier if she’s had a soft start into a childcare setting in the year beforehand.

I don't think children need to be in a nursery setting, but I do think I'd be a bit more deliberate in what we did at home if I chose not to send mine. A weekly routine that includes learning school readiness skills (both practical and more learning based) and regular, predictable time around other children where she can learn to share, take turns etc.

There's no intrinsic right or wrong IMO, but since so many of her peers will have attended some form of childcare provision, I'd be worried about her feeling less capable than her classmates if she hasn't had the same learning opportunities (most of it you'll probably already be doing- play doh and prewriting activities, recognising her name, understanding the world around her... all things we do with preschool aged kids anyway. Personally i'd just want to read the EYSF framework to check I didn't accidentally skip anything important).

Three mornings is hardly anything and will be very valuable for her

I highly recommend the school nursery. Only one of my children went to the nursery at their school (we couldn't get a place with the older two as it's an outstanding school so very popular).

But the one who did go to a school nursery, adjusted the best when it came to reception and he knew the majority of his class already. I also knew the parents so it wasn't awkward!

I do believe that at age 3 there is a strong benefit to part-time nursery. Just a few hours a week of group classes without a parent makes a difference. The learning is the actual act of being in a group learning situation. Listening to a teacher, not being nervous about leaving mom, navigating groups of children without a parent present. You can obviously teach everything else yourself.

I probably made it sound like we do nothing all week lol. Last week was pretty normal for us.

Monday we went to the library in the morning and got some books out, then came home and did some baking. She likes helping me mix things even if half of it ends up on the floor.

Tuesday we went to my mums and she played with her cousins for a few hours. Wednesday we stayed in because the weather was awful, did some painting and played with her toys. Thursday we went to a playgroup but it was one of the ones I dont really rate so we left a bit earlier than usual.

Friday we went shopping and stopped at the park on the way home. Saturday she was with DP while I did a shift and Sunday we went to see my sister and her kids.

Yesterday we went to my mums again for a bit and DD played with her cousins while I helped my mum sort out some things. We came home after lunch and did a puzzle and watched a film. Today we’ve just been to the shops and then the park for a while, she rode her scooter and played with a little girl she knows from the playgroup.

It’s not always exactly like that obviously, some weeks we do more and some less depending on what we’ve got on. I do get what you’re saying about doing things with children her own age though. I just find some of the groups a bit hit and miss and don’t want to pay for activities every week when she’s not really asking to go anywhere.

Maybe I should look around for some better ones locally.

Unfortunately many schools don't have nurseries so it's often not an option.

Nursery isn't essential but it's a good stepping stone to starting school. Mine went to school nursery for mornings the year before school and they loved it. It meant they went into reception with a bunch of friends already and were used to the routine of getting coats on and off, going to the loo, having playtime and snack time etc. It was only 9 till 11.30 and then they were home for lunch and we had afternoons together.

I think it’s good for them and she sounds a lovely girl who would benefit massively from it.
3 mornings a week isn’t a lot really so I don’t see what harm it can do.

Really?
Every primary/infant school I know of has a nursery class.
Some schools call it Foundation 1 (Reception year being Foundation 2).

Only one school in my town and surrounding villages has a nursery class.

What's playschool, and how is it different to nursery?

My DD's school there was a child who didn't go to nursery and she got every single child plague for the first 6 months when she started school, she was sick every week more or less. The mum was beside herself. They'll get it one way or another eventually I guess.

Parents stay and they're usually just a couple of hours in the morning or afternoon.

You’re doing a great job. She sounds happy and fulfilled and thriving and you have a nice mix of activities and playing and just being together. I’m a big fan of including them in all the home stuff and that you can teach most things in the kitchen.

Both of mine did/are doing two mornings a week of preschool in a private nursery from 3.5 so for the year before school, my younger one starts school next year. They definitely get lots from it and the nursery is in a house, not huge, has a garden, allotment, it’s quite homey and the staff are incredible. But two mornings has been enough and there are huge benefits to being at home with quality care from a parent and time with cousins.