I don’t want to send DD to nursery just because everyone else does

[cakepasta]

DD is 3 in January and we’ve been offered a nursery place for her from then. I originally put her name down because I thought it might be useful for childcare but now I’m not sure I want to send her at all. Everyone seems to think I’m being odd about it so thought I’d ask on here.

She’s an only child and is quite happy at home. We go to the library sometimes, she sees her cousins a couple of times a week and we go out to the park when it’s not chucking it down. She’s quite chatty and will play with other children when we’re out. I don’t really see what she’d be missing by not going to nursery yet.

The place we’ve been offered is 3 mornings a week but with the extra bits it isn’t going to be completely free. I work in the evenings anyway and I’d rather have the money for things we actually need tbh.

My DP thinks I’m making a mistake though. He says she’ll need to get used to being away from me before school and that nursery will help her become more independent. I said she’s going to have to get used to school whether she goes to nursery or not and it’s not as if she’ll never be around other children.

My mum has been on at me about it too. She keeps saying I’ll regret it when she starts Reception and is the only one who doesn’t know how to do anything. I didn’t go to nursery and neither did my brother, although apparently that was different because it was a different time. My sister thinks I should at least try her for a couple of mornings.

I’m not against nursery at all, I just don’t think it’s something every child has to do before school. If DD was unhappy at home or wanted to go then obviously I’d look at it differently. She’s not going to be kept away from people or anything, she’ll still be doing all the usual things and starting school when she’s meant to.

Am I being unreasonable to keep her at home until Reception? Is nursery actually that important for socialisation and getting ready for school or is it just something everyone thinks you have to do now?

I would send her just to get used to being away from you and the social side?
My sons went to a childminder to get used to mixing with other children. Is that an option for you?

Of course DD can stay at home with you during the day. There's nothing weird about it. She may have a learning curve in some areas when it comes to starting school, but she'll be older by then, more emotionally resilient and quicker to pick things up. Thank the busybodies for their opinions and say you have made your decision.

I’ve worked in childcare and imo It isn’t absolutely essential imo so long as she is being taught the necessary skills, exposed to different experiences and is allowed to socialise with other children.

FWIW I attended nursery(Also an only child) and I really struggled with adjusting to school, it was so different from nursery, but my best friend had never attended nursery and was absolutely fine, adapted really easily, hence why we were paired together.

You are not being unreasonable. We have talked about this a lot at home with our three-year-old, and the pressure from other people can make it feel like there is only one right answer when there really is not.

The things you describe already sound like a good mix: library visits, cousins, the park, and a child who is happy and chatty at home. That social time counts, even if it does not look like a nursery timetable.

If you want a middle way, it could be worth asking the nursery whether you could try a shorter settling period or just a couple of mornings to start with, and see how she takes to it, rather than committing to the full pattern straight away. You can also keep the decision under review and change your mind if she starts asking for more time with other children.

Reception is a big step for most children either way, and teachers are used to children arriving with all sorts of backgrounds. I would base it on what works for your family, including the cost and your evening work, not on what everyone else is doing.

You are not being unreasonable. We have talked about this a lot at home with our three-year-old, and the pressure from other people can make it feel like there is only one right answer when there really is not.

The things you describe already sound like a good mix: library visits, cousins, the park, and a child who is happy and chatty at home. That social time counts, even if it does not look like a nursery timetable.

If you want a middle way, it could be worth asking the nursery whether you could try a shorter settling period or just a couple of mornings to start with, and see how she takes to it, rather than committing to the full pattern straight away. You can also keep the decision under review and change your mind if she starts asking for more time with other children.

Reception is a big step for most children either way, and teachers are used to children arriving with all sorts of backgrounds. I would base it on what works for your family, including the cost and your evening work, not on what everyone else is doing.

If she will be 3 in jan then she isn't due to start school until sept 2028. (Assuming England/Wales).

So you have ages . There is something to be said for nursery as preparation for school but you don't need 5 terms of it if you don't want to.

Why don’t you send her to a school nursery from the September instead? School nurseries won’t include extra charges. They are likely to offer 3 hours a day but some are more flexible.

I don’t see anything wrong with her staying at home either. Could you practise at home little things like sitting on her own quietly while you read to her? Doing a little task for an extended length of time like making a picture by gluing coloured shapes while sitting down? Going to the toilet on her own when she is a little older?

Then for slightly more practice with other children maybe you could go to a play group.

I agree with you DH, it’s will certainly help with the transition to school. Both my sons went to nursery/preschool 3 mornings a week and started reception in the same class as some of these children. Definitely helps with social skills

Why not reassess when she is 4 and see how you feel then?

Send her next September.
She might be able to attend a nursery class within a school.
They are usually 3 hours a day (so the 15 free hours).
But you are correct - you don't need to send her until Reception.
I would take her to "Stay and Play" groups though. You have to attend with her but usually the parents sit with tea and chat and the play leaders organise the children. So she will get some independence from you.

No, don't feel pushed to. I used nursery because of work, so I'm certainly not against them, but as you don't need to, why not make the most of this time? Only a generation or two ago, a lot of kids didn't go, and you never heard of kids starting school not toilet trained, or unable to understand they shouldn't be hitting other kids, back in those days, did you? So nursery is definitely not essential, as long as you're doing lots/letting her mix at groups etc, it'll be fine.

She doesn't have to go to nursery. I have no idea why people think is better than being with mum. None of mine went as I was a SAHM. They did go to playschool term time mornings only for the year before they went to school but that was all.

Part time nursery sounds like a good option to transition to school. Both of mine went to preschool for mornings, at the school they now go to. It worked really well and they got to make friends before reception started so it wasn’t overwhelming. They also got used to the routine of being left and later collected.

When will she start school ? You don't have to send her but pre school education can help prepare her to socialise and be ready for school, personally i would see it as that rather than childcare, but again it is obviously your decision

Im an only and my advice on the many many threads 'Will my childs life be ruined' (spoiler - no) threads is please try to be sociable with your small child so they see different healthy relationships and meet different people.

If you feel that's fulfilled, skip nursery.

Personally I'd send her a couple of mornings as a bit of an introduction to the routine and different personalities of being in a class.

If DD was unhappy at home or wanted to go then obviously I’d look at it differently

Children are generally happy at home and how would a 3 year old know she wanted to go ?

My mum has been on at me about it too. She keeps saying I’ll regret it when she starts Reception and is the only one who doesn’t know how to do anything.
What on earth does she mean by this I would have thought they would know more as they have one to one help.
Mine knew more as I had the time to help them all learn.

Just because you have separation anxiety doesn't mean hwr other parent is wrong

There’s nothing wrong with her not going at all. I do get where people are coming from though on the social side of it.
In your shoes I would start her next September in playgroup/nursery class

Where did OP mention that she has separation anxiety? There are other perfectly valid reasons for not wanting to send one’s child to nursery.

I think that nursery does help because it is learning to consistently get on with the same children and start to build proper friendships. It also helps to teach them to be away from parents.

I don’t have separation anxiety lol, she’s been away from me plenty of times when other people have had her and she’s been absolutely fine. She stays with my mum and her cousins sometimes and I’ve left her with DP when I’ve been working, it’s never been a problem.

We do lots at home together, reading, drawing, little activities etc and I do take her to playgroups sometimes. She plays well with other children when we go, she’s not shy or anything, but the groups are a bit hit and miss tbh. Some are really good and others are just a bit chaotic and not worth going back to.

I just don’t think nursery is the only way for her to learn things or be around other children. She’s not sat in front of the tv all day and she does get out and see people. I might look into the school nursery for September though as a few people have mentioned it and I hadn’t really thought about that before.

Some people home school so I don't think everyone uses nurseries.

Look again the year before she starts school.