I don’t want to send DD to nursery just because everyone else does

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DD is 3 in January and we’ve been offered a nursery place for her from then. I originally put her name down because I thought it might be useful for childcare but now I’m not sure I want to send her at all. Everyone seems to think I’m being odd about it so thought I’d ask on here.

She’s an only child and is quite happy at home. We go to the library sometimes, she sees her cousins a couple of times a week and we go out to the park when it’s not chucking it down. She’s quite chatty and will play with other children when we’re out. I don’t really see what she’d be missing by not going to nursery yet.

The place we’ve been offered is 3 mornings a week but with the extra bits it isn’t going to be completely free. I work in the evenings anyway and I’d rather have the money for things we actually need tbh.

My DP thinks I’m making a mistake though. He says she’ll need to get used to being away from me before school and that nursery will help her become more independent. I said she’s going to have to get used to school whether she goes to nursery or not and it’s not as if she’ll never be around other children.

My mum has been on at me about it too. She keeps saying I’ll regret it when she starts Reception and is the only one who doesn’t know how to do anything. I didn’t go to nursery and neither did my brother, although apparently that was different because it was a different time. My sister thinks I should at least try her for a couple of mornings.

I’m not against nursery at all, I just don’t think it’s something every child has to do before school. If DD was unhappy at home or wanted to go then obviously I’d look at it differently. She’s not going to be kept away from people or anything, she’ll still be doing all the usual things and starting school when she’s meant to.

Am I being unreasonable to keep her at home until Reception? Is nursery actually that important for socialisation and getting ready for school or is it just something everyone thinks you have to do now?

The time together is very precious, and you sound like you do lots together which is lovely. However , going to activities and socialising with you on the sidelines , or going to family members is totally different to going to school. A few mornings will get her used to the idea of structure ( snack time etc) and being separate to you or family, trusting other adults. You really cannot anticipate how she will view starting school which you say she’ll “ have to do”so why on earth not ease her in - possibly with an opportunity to meet little friends that may attend the same school as her? Even if only two mornings , I think it’s a kindness / help.

Try her for 1 morning a week and see how it goes. I still have friends from nursery school, it’s a fun thing to do.

I don’t think nursery is necessary if you don’t have to, but pre-school attached to your catchment primary school is a good idea for the year before they head into reception if that is an option.
I worked in the evenings and was home during the day, my first 2 children didn’t go to nursery, but went to the school nursery/preschool when they were 4, ready to move up into reception the following year. The children that hadn’t been at the preschool were at a slight disadvantage in the beginning as all the other children knew each other but they soon settled.
Our last baby, I had changed jobs by then, had to go to a childminder from 12 months, then onto the school preschool, he struggled starting school more then his older brothers despite on paper looking like he should be the most sociable.

I'd give her the free 15 hours somewhere before school. It doesn't need to be immediately but she will benefit from being in the routine of being away from you, socialising with other kids, and getting used to listening to other adults.

I home educate so I hear you.

only thing is if you’re planning for her to go to reception at age 4, she will find it really hard for the first few weeks if she’s not used to the structure of school environments which nursery starts off.

I home ed and we love it

You shouldn't feel that you have to send her to nursery or a free pre-school, but they do have lots of benefits.

Benefits being she will learn how to sit and play in a group setting and how to line up and sit and listen etc. before doing group activities etc. She may have the opportunity to do more things/try new things. She may learn eating different meals etc. She will learn how to socialise with new adults and children. She may learn the basics of phonics and writing her name etc. It may be useful for transitioning to school.

But sounds like she is enjoying life and you are too and you will be the one to decide what's in her best interests.

I think this thread highlights that people differ greatly in their understanding of what is meant by nursery, and also that people seem to think what is available in their area is the norm for everywhere e.g. an expectation that all primary schools have a pre-school, or nursery class, when in many areas they don't.

The OP does not require childcare i.e a setting that opens full-time, year round and take babies and children up to school age. Most children do not attend this type of nursery if the parents don't need childcare.

There are settings which may vary by name (that may or may not be on the same site as a school), that operate similar hours to schools during term-time, and often children attend for half-days e.g. 5 x3 hours a week. I think this is what the OP's husband and mother, along with many other people, think is beneficial for children before starting primary school.

But sounds like she is enjoying life and you are too and you will be the one to decide what's in her best interests.

Well the child does have two parents, so both of their opinions should be considered.

I have two DDs, 18 month age difference. It didn’t occur to me to send them to nursery 😂 DD1 had attachment issues and wouldn’t have been happy away from me & I felt it was soon enough when she was school age. We went to stay and play every week, the park, seen friends with children etc. When DD1 did reach school age she still wasn’t ready to separate so I opted for home education. We were in London, there was a great network and I was fortunately in a position to choose. She’s now 18, in her second year of A Levels, living independently… I don’t think non attendance at nursery has held her back 😂

I would do it from Sept so she gets a year. She will probably really enjoy it and if it’s just a few mornings, you will still have tons of time together.

Two of mine went to pre school. Third didn’t mostly because of pandemic. Third was the most happy and confident starting school!

My kids didn't get anything out of nursery that they weren't already getting from me at home, but I needed a bit of a break so they went three mornings a week and they really enjoyed it.

You don't need to send her to nursery, as long as you are doing things with her and getting her out and about socialising with all ages then she will be fine.

I was in a similar position when my eldest was 2. Everyone else was putting their little ones into nursery and I hadn't even thought about it. So I out her name down in a panic and she got 2 afternoons per week. Her little brother was due a couple of weeks after she started and at the last minute I thought I'll put her in, it's 5 hours over 2 days, and if it isn't right i can take her out again. Honestly, it was the best thing I could have done for her. She made little friends and the ladies loved all the kids as if they were their own. They painted, baked, coloured, learned numbers, there was christmas shows and so much more, and i got a couple of hours just me and my baby too. I probably wouldn't have regretted not putting her in, as you don't miss what you never had, but my son was the 1st name on the list for his cohort and he also thrived!

She doesn't have to go to nursery at all. However you could consider doing the year before school so 3 terms not five. My daughters did that. They only went for 3 mornings per week as we were busy the rest of the time.

Once she is the year before school she can do clubs on her own as well. Mine did music class and a dance class. There are lots of ways to mix with kids without going to nursery

I think the suggestion of school nursery in September could be a good compromise for you. Could you also think about a more structured class each week baby ballet, Toddler gymnastics, swimming, music class type thing. I do all of these with my 2.5 year old and it’s brilliant for them to experience structure and tuition from another adult whilst your there with them which is great prep for school.

Yes! They need to go to pre-school

stop being selfish! It’s good for children to spend time away from their mothers before school starts

My son went to a nursery in a different town to the one where he started infant school. He still remembers feeling "odd one out" as the children in his reception class all knew each other from nursery. Let your child start nursery.

But she doesn't need to start in January.
She can start next September and get a full academic year before Reception.
She doesn't need two extra terms of nursery.

Thanks for the description of your week . Its not about baking and playing: im sure you do plenty of stimulating activities but this is about them gaining independence, being around other adults and being away from family

starting school is hard. Dont make it harder by holding her back

Do what you think there is no right or wrong here.

Or start with one or two days in Jan and gradually increase

You could do it a couple of days a week, even one day. Whilst you're able to provide all the lovely things at home and going to sessions, it can't compare to being in a place with other children and the emotional learning that comes from it, also getting used to other adults caring for them.

I understand, hated leaving DC at nursery, didn't have a choice, but do absolutely acknowledge the benefit from it.

Surely one or two days a week? There is so much educational play, mixing, basic human learning skills.

I did Pre-School with all of mine (20 odd years ago now) and they seamlessly transitioned to school without a backward glance. Kids need other kids.

From Easter she'll be eligible for 15 hours free nursery (or 30 if applicable), if you are both quite content then why rush and send her when she's only just turned 3? I'd look to send her in Sept 27 or Jan 28 to get her ready for Reception in Sept 28.