I don’t want to send DD to nursery just because everyone else does

[cakepasta]

DD is 3 in January and we’ve been offered a nursery place for her from then. I originally put her name down because I thought it might be useful for childcare but now I’m not sure I want to send her at all. Everyone seems to think I’m being odd about it so thought I’d ask on here.

She’s an only child and is quite happy at home. We go to the library sometimes, she sees her cousins a couple of times a week and we go out to the park when it’s not chucking it down. She’s quite chatty and will play with other children when we’re out. I don’t really see what she’d be missing by not going to nursery yet.

The place we’ve been offered is 3 mornings a week but with the extra bits it isn’t going to be completely free. I work in the evenings anyway and I’d rather have the money for things we actually need tbh.

My DP thinks I’m making a mistake though. He says she’ll need to get used to being away from me before school and that nursery will help her become more independent. I said she’s going to have to get used to school whether she goes to nursery or not and it’s not as if she’ll never be around other children.

My mum has been on at me about it too. She keeps saying I’ll regret it when she starts Reception and is the only one who doesn’t know how to do anything. I didn’t go to nursery and neither did my brother, although apparently that was different because it was a different time. My sister thinks I should at least try her for a couple of mornings.

I’m not against nursery at all, I just don’t think it’s something every child has to do before school. If DD was unhappy at home or wanted to go then obviously I’d look at it differently. She’s not going to be kept away from people or anything, she’ll still be doing all the usual things and starting school when she’s meant to.

Am I being unreasonable to keep her at home until Reception? Is nursery actually that important for socialisation and getting ready for school or is it just something everyone thinks you have to do now?

I’d send her in September to build her immune system and get her used to it. You also may want a break by then, three year olds are hard work!!

Do they have preschool program? Where I am, every nursery (we call them daycare) must have a school readiness preschool program with qualified teacher for the 3-5 year old group. We didn’t need care but sent ours as it was preparation for school. In addition to the stuff you can teach at home (numbers, concept of counting, alphabet, phonics, cutting out, colouring in, basic computer skills), they teach them how to behave in a larger group that needs to work together with a teacher, general group skills like waiting their turn for assistance, to sit still on a mat for extended periods, independently managing bags and belongings etc.

Ours ran school hours 9-3 and at 3yo we sent them 2 days and at 4yo we sent them 3 days which was a good slide in for full time school at 5yo.

She’ll love nursery, especially if she’s sociable. They have so many toys and books, and so many activities and games. My DS is not 18 and he met his best friend at nursery when he was barely a toddler. Are you thinking of her or you when you say you don’t want her to go? If you think she’ll benefit she should at least try it for a few weeks.

I normally think of playschool/playgroup as 2-3 year olds but where the parents attend too. Usually run by some kindly volunteers in a church hall of village hall.

preschool or nursery school as being 3-4 year olds running on school hours term time only.

day nursery as being 0-4 but with longer days and open year round. These are not for child care but the preschool room in these will fulfil the same purpose as pre school or nursery school.

I think a lot of the preschool/nursery school type setting are lowering age down to 2 year olds now and this is probably a mistake.

It's kind of weird that we place so much importance on being good at socialising with other children: a skill that by and large is not all that important when you're an adult! Anyway children are largely crap at socialising and really poor models for other kids in how to socialise well. I spend much of the first 18 year of my life in a state of ongoing perplexity at all the mad ways other kids would try to interact with me, much of which would simply not be tolerated between adults.

Send her, give it a couple of months and see how she likes it. Most children get a lot out of nursery for a few sessions a week at that age, especially from socialising with other children.

3 mornings at nursery and 2 mornings and 5 afternoons a week with you sounds like it would be a good mix of experiences for her.

just in terms of the "getting ready for school" argument.

Partly it depends on your child. If you have a quiet girl who sits and listens nicely, then you don't really need to much practice in behaving for class..

On the other hand if she is hard to control, doesn't listen, really hyper and active, then yeah - a years practice of following rules in a more formal setting isn't a bad idea.

In terms of the skills that she will need - as long as you are active in her education, then all that is actually better taught at home at this age. Make a list of "before school skills"

e.g.
Independent toilet use
Managing clothes/coats
Zips
Holding a pen, basic drawing and the beginnings of writing letters
Numbers and simple maths
A-Z and maybe starting reading/phonics
Listening, asking questions, following more complicated multi-stage instructions
etc.

All of that you can help her with at home. But only if you are active in making sure you do the preparation work that would normally happen in a more pre-school/late nursery setting.

You can also build in more time away from you, by joining clubs and groups at 4 years old that don't have parents present.

I personally think 3 mornings a week at nursery at 3 is the perfect balance. She still gets loads of time with you but gets to socialise with other children and get used to listening and getting involved in group activities involving teamwork, structure etc. It is also invaluable for them to learn to navigate tricky social situations without you there- this is the thing my teacher friends say children who haven't been to a childcare setting starting reception say is the thing they find most difficult.

I think it’s fine either way. Someone I knew didn’t do any pre school, he was absolutely fine starting school. He’s in year 11 now and doing very well!
You could always leave it to next September, she could do a few mornings for a year before starting school.

I think some high quality activities would be a really good addition.

My kids went to nursery because we both work but I think it's wonderful if you want to and are able to spend this time with her.

I just think it sounds like she doesn't spend a lot of time with kids her own age and it is nice for kids to do that. I think also a high quality class or other activity would help her get used to that kind of group setting without going to nursery if you don't want that yet. Something like a music or a dance class? I get that she's not asking to go but she is 3 so she probably doesn't know what the options are or what they would be like.

It’s honestly your choice but for the sake of three mornings a week why not let her try it out and see if she likes it.
You’ll still have time for all the lovely activities you’re doing together and you’ll have a few hours to yourself. It’s probably quite a daunting thought but the time flies on those half days.

When I was a child only children of very poor families who both work would go to nursery- neither I nor any of my friends went to nursery before school. I didn't miss out, and I didn't have problems socialising- I could read and write before i went to school, so I was well ahead.

Can she go a couple of mornings a week at the nursery or preschool.

It’s important she learns to spend time away from you and eat food that hasn’t been cooked by you, or the school transition will be too hard for her. My friend’s daughter refused to eat school lunches for weeks because she’d never eaten outside the home (except restaurants I assume.)

I was home with my mum in the 70s when there were no nurseries but we used to go to play school twice a week. I still remember how much I enjoyed it!

I agree with the other suggestions that sending her to nursery school / pre-school the year before she starts school (so from Sept 2027 if she’ll start school in Sept 2028) would help prepare her for school. You do a lot of things with her, but I noticed from your posts that there wasn't anything where you drop her off for a class, or a playgroup where she’ll be away from you. Nursery school would give her time with her peers to play together and develop friendships without a parent always there in the background.

The other thing to consider is that as your DD gets older, she will want a bit more than the activities you do at the moment. I was in a different situation as DD went to a day nursery while I worked, but on my days off we’d go to rhyme time at the library, a couple of nearby playgroups, to the park, that kind of thing. However I noticed that during the last year before she started school, she was really outgrowing these and didn’t enjoy them as much as she had before. I also noticed that most of the children there were younger than her, and eventually worked out that a lot of the children her age had started school nursery if they weren’t already in nursery. It was quite a change from age three to age four that I hadn’t expected.

I think there are pros and cons, it’s nice to see them mingle and have fun at nursery but equally I was loathe to give up any time with DD. It’s absolutely not essential, there are kids in reception atm with DD who didn’t go to nursery and they are fine. It’s child dependent whether they get much benefit out of it I think.

You don’t need nursery, but they do start on the early years foundation stage curriculum that reception completes in school, so the final year does include actual “school” teaching (in small bitesize chunks during a day of free play). I found it especially helpful that they taught all of the phonics sounds by songs etc before starting school.

My DD is 4, she could have gotten the place at 3 had we be closer to nursery but we lived rural and I don't drive. So last week she got a place as we've moved, the absolute excitement of her going to play with her wee friends this past week has been fantastic. I don't think she's lost out on anything not being there the past year so if you want to delay it, that's your choice, she's your child at the end of the day. I don't know if my input helped but from the point of view that my DD has "missed" a year I don't think she's any better or worse off

I’m not sending mine to nursery at all. If you’re home then you may as well have that extra time with her. My two friends did the same - their kids are 15 and 18. Very outgoing and confident so seemingly didn’t do them any harm.

I get it but I was forced to send mine as I had to return to work so zero choice. I am glad I did though as it really helped when they started school and made it a lot less stressful for both them and me. Nothing wrong with trying a couple of mornings, it’s not a huge amount of time and you should get some hours paid for.

it is really good for independence and helped with social skills also. Plus they do lots of activities which is good and fun for them too.

I work with 3-4 year olds and although I agree that nursery is not essential, I’d have to say that there’s always a noticeable difference between children who come to us having never been in a setting before, and those who have moved from other rooms within our nursery/ from another setting. The biggest thing is often independence, along with social skills, emotional resilience, often communication skills too. Sometimes this difference is still evident when the children go off to start school. Obviously I can’t speak for every child but just in my experience.

This is really tricky OP and it’s so lovely you’ve been able to spend the amount of time with your child - I’m jealous!
The only thing I would say is that it probably will be quite difficult to go from never being in that kind of setting to 5 days 9-3 a week.
if you are definitely planning to send her to reception (ie not home school) I would say the nursery sounds like a good idea. Maybe delay until she’s 4 in Jan 2028 to do the 3 mornings a week then she has time to get use to it until she’s does 5 full days in the September

I delayed my daughter starting nursery.

She could have started from January this year, but I delayed it until this September. She will get 1 year at nursery on half days, before she moves to reception doing full days.

I am so glad I made this decision. She isn’t behind in anything and I got to have some extra alone time with her. She still saw other children to play with.

I would do what feels best.

Think about the skills she will need at school and that she could pick up at nursery, if you can teach these things at home then just make sure they are in place. Things such as going into nursery/ school and hanging up her coat, learning to sit still and concentrate for short periods, interacting appropriately with other children who are strangers to her, working independently for short periods on simple tasks and developing listening skills. You can teach most of these skills at home, although she would be better meeting some of her future classmates at nursery maybe

You’re not being unreasonable by not wanting to send her, that’s completely up to you! I thought nursery was amazing for my DD (also an only child) She still has friends from it which is great as they are friends from outwith school which I think is important as they get older. It helped her socialise and gain confidence. It wasn’t always positive but actually even the negative parts were a good learning curve for her. I also always thought they were so good at doing things with her that I wouldn’t have even thought about doing!!

I completely understand your reasoning for not wanting her to go and its great that you do all those things with her. I felt the same but I do think its good for them to go to a setting for at least a few hours a week. For me its about exposure to kids outside of the family with different backgrounds, and not having a parent around to police things. They would learn to listen to and do things other adults say ready for school, without always having a close family member present to fall back on. Without knowing it yourself and family probably also do things for her without realising it, because you always have- we all do! They really learn More independence and skills in these settings that otherwise might not until until later on. It also gives you a few hours to get those jobs done, relax etc.