Baby on the way, partners kids overnights

[TheHonestHedgehog]

My partner and I are expecting a baby. We live in my small two-bed terraced house.

My partner's two kids (12 and 8, boy and girl) stay with us every other weekend, Friday to Monday, in the second bedroom, which they share, which is already an issue due to their ages and lack of space - it is also used as my home office the rest of the time.

We’ve been trying to move for 2 years but ongoing divorce complications have stopped this - we’ve been together over 3 years and the divorce is still ongoing with no end date in site.

Until the financials are settled we can not afford to move.

The second bedroom at some point will become the babies room. I’m aware people will have opinions on this, but there is physically no other option when it comes to the storage and things we will need for the baby, that room will have to be used for them.

The living room is not big enough for any sort of blow up or temp beds, and the dining room is open plan with the kitchen - which we intend to utilise as my new office and play space for baby. Further to this, with it being open plan it is near impossible to heat in winter.

The second bedroom is not big enough to have a double bed in, so we can’t even swap with ours as an option.

No other family are nearby, both sets of parents are over an hour drive away and paying for separate accommodation for three nights a fortnight isn't affordable either - we’re both self employed.

Our plan:

• Overnights continue for now with the kids in their usual room prior to the birth but with changes to the room setup while we prepare and get what baby needs.
• After the birth, we step down to Friday and Saturday nights, home on Sunday evening so they're rested for school and a small step towards the next adjustment.
• Overnights to pause once baby is 5 months old and we start moving them into the second room, they will resume as soon as we move (hopefully not long after this)
• Until then: Our Saturday and Sunday days, 9am to 7pm, plus continuing the other in-week contact my partner already has with them.

Their mum thinks we should find a way to keep all three nights, with airbeds or paid accommodation. We feel this is not realistic with a newborn and the space available.

And without giving too much context - most of the ongoing divorce complications are because their mum is fighting to keep the former family home (that she can only just afford at a big stretch) for the wellbeing and ongoing routine of her children as priority. A year before she had agreed to sell so everyone could move, my house was on sale and we had an offer in on a bigger home, which was all undone as she later changed her mind.

Finally - I know people will wonder why have you gotten pregnant when this is the situation, but with no end date or visible outcome to the divorce in site and me getting close to “that age” I didn’t want to wait and risk never being able to have a baby of my own. We expected to be trying for a while but have been extremely fortunate that it’s happened right away 🫶🏽

I would like people’s opinions on our plan, any other suggestions, similar situations or what they think should happen here, the last thing we want is to push the kids out but things are already a struggle with space, them sharing, their ages and genders.

Thank you

^This!!

You can't on one hand say that it's such a short time until you move that it's not a big deal to refuse to have the kids overnight, but also simultaneously say it's too long a time for the baby to stay in your room with you.

You chose to bring a baby into the status quo. So if anyone needs to be inconvenienced as a result of the new circumstances, it's you. The only solution is one where the older kids stay the same and you find a way to adapt.

I'd really be reconsidering my relationship with a man willing to reduce his already pretty low contact with his kids for a new baby. If he suggested it himself, he's a terrible father. If you suggested it and he's going along with it, he's spineless and possibly also a terrible father.

This isn't an acceptable plan OP. The existing kids come first and you find a way to make the baby work around them. Baby absolutely does not need their own room at 5 months and can just stay in your room until you move.

What should she do with the baby she’s already having?

Your married boyfriend who is already a deadbeat thinking that discarding his kids altogether is even an option, nevermind the best option- this should be so viscerally repulsive that surely the relationship is over?

He's a complete disgrace.

You’re having a baby with a man who’d even consider doing this to his children?

You fool.

What a catch!

This with bells on!

Do you have a loft that can have a temporary space for someone to sleep

I have seen people do this to create extra space

Ah just set up some sleeping bags on the dining room floor for them, what does it matter? Kids are resilient (especially other people's kids). Why would they need to feel part of the family if it's only two weekends a month anyway? They have their mum for that eh.

(🙄🙄🙄🙄)

Surely you'll be keeping the baby in with you for the first year, or thereabouts?
What's your partner's view?.

186 replies later I suspect we will not see OP again. This really didn't go the way she was hoping.

This.

Also, bear in mind that if he is prepared to treat a wife -and two children that he has known and watch grow for years- then it will be a lot easier for him to ditch a partner and a baby that he hardly knows, when and if the going gets tougher.

Just be aware of that.

I would never take my children’s bedroom
away from them. I know they are not your children but they are your DH’s children so he would presumably feel the same way.
baby will have to stay in your room until you move house. both of mine stayed until at least 1 anyway as it’s more practical

you need to prioritise the children you’ve already got. They were here first, they will resent you and their father if you push them out of their room for a new baby

These posts are all just bollocks to get people all stirred up, aren't they? There's so many of them at the moment.

Your partner has had at least 3 years to get a better job/promotion/rent a flat he could see his children in and has not. He's then agreed to have another child neither of you have the space for, without a plan for how he will house his existing 2 children (which, as it is, are stuck in a house that's too small for them, when they stay with you). My thoughts are, what exactly is your partner doing to be a father?

It's pretty poor that you're subtly bashing the children's mother for wanting to stay in the family home and give continuity to her children. I am sure she is having to make her own financial sacrifices to keep the home and care for her children (as we all know that child maintenance, if it's paid at all, comes nowhere near even half the cost of raising a child).

I can't say I agree with your plan either. You can't see kids only when it's convenient for you. They are your partner's children - it's his job to raise them, which includes feeding and housing them at least part of the time. How would you feel in their place? Literally pushed out of your home by a new baby? How would you cope if they were your children? You'd have to find a way, wouldn't you? So the children continue to share a room and the baby stays in your room until you move.

If the open plan lounge/diner is such an issue, put up permanent or temporary dividing walls to create another space. You're clearly focused on your new baby, which is understandable, but unfair on the other children. You talk about all the things the baby will need, the special play area in the lounge the baby will need etc. Yet you've got a 12 year old boy sharing a tiny room with his 8 year old sister. What about all the things and space they need?

Contrary to popular belief, babies do not need loads of shit. They need somewhere safe and warm to sleep, a week's worth of clothes, food, nappies, wipes and nappy cream. That's it. They don't need a changing table, a fancy cot, their own wardrobe, a mobile, hundreds of toys or a special baby bath. Safe, warm, cared for and loved. That's what they need. Anything extra is a bonus.

Seems odd that you’ve already decided that the baby will need its own room from 5 months.
We had a teenager, toddler & a newborn at one point. DC3 stayed in our room until 18 mths as we only had 3 bedrooms and it was what worked for us. Then the two toddlers shared until teen went to uni.
Make it work OP, it’s not fair on those kids and doesn’t bode well for a happy environment going forward. Who knows, hopefully the divorce situation will improve sooner that you thank your only have to share a room for a while longer.

Shouldnt of got pregnant then really should you until the financials where sorted.

Terrible, terrible plan.

Do not change contact days, that would be horrific for the 2 existing children.

Baby stays with you. Most babies stay in the bedroom until 1.

My 2.5 year old is still in the bedroom with us! Sleeps like a dream, in his own crib. He likes knowing we are there so it works for everyone.

Sorry but some of us aren’t able to give our children separate rooms and we just live with it. My 3 year old still sleeps in the same room as us and it’s looking like it will stay that way until she’s 7 maybe as we cannot afford a property in London. We also have no heating as we can’t afford it. The stepchildren will become jealous of the new baby too if they have no space left and that’s not good. Overnights should continue until your baby is 2 or 3 and is in need of their own room then you can reduce it or change the arrangement. In my parents day there would be 9 children to a room with mattresses on the floor and they all have fond memories of that.

What a silly, horrible unhelpful comment. What do you want her to do? Late term ab*rtion? Give away the baby for adoption? Why because they have a two bedroom house? That’s a privilege already. You’re out of touch with reality.

There’s a lot of the royal “we” going on, but I can’t imagine that a good father would consider not having his existing children over night because of a new baby?

He is hardly seeing his children at the moment so the plan is to see them less.
Dad of the year goes to him .

I live in a one bed cottage. Baby is still in our room at 22 months. You will need to keep baby in with you and your partner until you get a bigger place. You cannot kick out his other 2 kids, such a terrible suggestion when a baby takes up so little room.

Unbelievable. Those poor children. I wonder if the OP broke up the marriage as well. My sympathy is with the children and their mother. This isn't about the space in the house - many people live in far more cramped conditions and their solution isn't to shed some family members! This is about spite towards the ex-partner. Karma is a bitch, OP so watch out.