Baby on the way, partners kids overnights

[TheHonestHedgehog]

My partner and I are expecting a baby. We live in my small two-bed terraced house.

My partner's two kids (12 and 8, boy and girl) stay with us every other weekend, Friday to Monday, in the second bedroom, which they share, which is already an issue due to their ages and lack of space - it is also used as my home office the rest of the time.

We’ve been trying to move for 2 years but ongoing divorce complications have stopped this - we’ve been together over 3 years and the divorce is still ongoing with no end date in site.

Until the financials are settled we can not afford to move.

The second bedroom at some point will become the babies room. I’m aware people will have opinions on this, but there is physically no other option when it comes to the storage and things we will need for the baby, that room will have to be used for them.

The living room is not big enough for any sort of blow up or temp beds, and the dining room is open plan with the kitchen - which we intend to utilise as my new office and play space for baby. Further to this, with it being open plan it is near impossible to heat in winter.

The second bedroom is not big enough to have a double bed in, so we can’t even swap with ours as an option.

No other family are nearby, both sets of parents are over an hour drive away and paying for separate accommodation for three nights a fortnight isn't affordable either - we’re both self employed.

Our plan:

• Overnights continue for now with the kids in their usual room prior to the birth but with changes to the room setup while we prepare and get what baby needs.
• After the birth, we step down to Friday and Saturday nights, home on Sunday evening so they're rested for school and a small step towards the next adjustment.
• Overnights to pause once baby is 5 months old and we start moving them into the second room, they will resume as soon as we move (hopefully not long after this)
• Until then: Our Saturday and Sunday days, 9am to 7pm, plus continuing the other in-week contact my partner already has with them.

Their mum thinks we should find a way to keep all three nights, with airbeds or paid accommodation. We feel this is not realistic with a newborn and the space available.

And without giving too much context - most of the ongoing divorce complications are because their mum is fighting to keep the former family home (that she can only just afford at a big stretch) for the wellbeing and ongoing routine of her children as priority. A year before she had agreed to sell so everyone could move, my house was on sale and we had an offer in on a bigger home, which was all undone as she later changed her mind.

Finally - I know people will wonder why have you gotten pregnant when this is the situation, but with no end date or visible outcome to the divorce in site and me getting close to “that age” I didn’t want to wait and risk never being able to have a baby of my own. We expected to be trying for a while but have been extremely fortunate that it’s happened right away 🫶🏽

I would like people’s opinions on our plan, any other suggestions, similar situations or what they think should happen here, the last thing we want is to push the kids out but things are already a struggle with space, them sharing, their ages and genders.

Thank you

That plan sucks the big one. It is a sure fire way to completely destroy the kids relationship with their dad as it sends a very clear message which is really bad. Honestly, I’m shocked your DH has gone along with this and would question having a baby with a father who even contemplated this.

Don’t be a grade A dick and keep the baby in with you until you move. Babies can room in happily with parents for a few years if necessary, they can have surprisingly little stuff as well to enable this.

The only plan should be to keep the baby in with you and his kids stay in the room they've always been in. Anything else is massively unreasonable. Stopping overnight visits when the baby is 5 months old so it can move into the other room - wtf is that all about. Out with the old, in with the new is the vibes your post gives off. Just awful.

I wondered that too

OP, what would you want for your own child, in this situation?

Look at how this man is happy to treat his two existing children. I says a lot about him.

Yabu. We kept dd in with us until 11 months by choice. But you can do a lot later than this.

Poor children.
What a selfish pair you and your partner are.
There is no need to drop to 2 nights when the baby comes. A baby doesn't need their own room at 5 months. This just sounds like your plan to gradually push them out.

You need to keep the baby in with you until you move. Force a sale if needed.

Do you have any idea the level of lifetime damage you will do to those children by chucking them out and replacing them with a new baby? Make no mistake, that's how they will perceive it.

This sounds like he jumped ship when the kids were harder work at around 9 and 5 years and I’ll bet my own tiny accommodation he moved straight in with you. Now he’s cooking up a plan to eject his former responsibilities from the nest. What a golden boy you've got there.

It is your DP’s responsibility to house his kids. Him moving into your house (where was he living before) that isn’t big enough for them is not meeting his responsibilities.

This can’t be real- no one is that unaware surely? On the off chance it’s real, you say you can’t afford accommodation for 3 separate nights a fortnight (6 every 4 weeks), can your partner afford the extra CMS he will now pay? Or the extra in the divorce seeing as the wife will now be able to say she has the children 100% of the time? Your proposal of 40 hours over 4 weeks as ‘contact’ is laughable.

Perhaps the wife has been hard work over the divorce, the solution to that is not to punish the children as some sort of ‘gotcha’ to the wife. Your partner should be ashamed, I’m sure he’s not, but in a few years when they don’t want to see him anymore I’m sure he’ll be surprised by it all and that can all be the ex wife’s fault as well.

Rent a larger home.

Set up a bed in living room for one child.
Put up a swag for DSS.

Have a boys room and girls & baby room
when the older kids are over. DP and DSS in one room and you, DSD and baby in another.

Make the living room your bedroom.

Ask your DP to prioritise his divorce agreement.

Why have more kids when you can't house the kids that already exist?

Wow. So you'd just send your children off to their dad's regardless of his circumstances, as long as they're out of your house? Strange attitude.

And yes, she does have some responsibility here. If she is contributing to the divorce not being finalised because she wants to hold on to the house and everything that comes with it, then she cannot simply wash her hands of the consequences and expect the children to make do with whatever accommodation is available.

She seems perfectly happy to let the children be caught up in this mess rather than take steps to resolve it. Neither parent should be putting their own interests ahead of the children's stability and wellbeing.

Foul. Just throw away the children he already had. Not sure who is more disgraceful. You or him.

I would like people’s opinions on our plan, any other suggestions, similar situations or what they think should happen here, the last thing we want is to push the kids out.

Your 5 month deadline feels arbitrary and unnecessary. Baby stays in your room for longer, as long as the cot can fit there is no reason to move them out at 5 months - just keep them there until you move. The siblings continue to share the other room or you get an airbed or sofa bed for downstairs. There is no way that they won't feel pushed out if you stick to your plan of reducing days and/or stopping overnights altogether. What is the plan for compensating for this btw? Will their dad visit more or do they just miss out? I can understand their mum wanting to keep the house that they are in - what is the alternative? She either moves to a cheaper area perhaps, but that could mean changing schools - not ideal for the 12 year old. Or buys something smaller, but the children no longer have the space they need in their main home.

I agree. But the man can't control that, let alone the OP so it is pointless to discuss it here. If the ex comes on, people can certainly say to her that she needs to let go so her kids can have two efficient co-parents.

This kind of post is what gives good stepparents a bad reputation on mumsnet - the fact your DP is even considering this shows what kind of father he is, and you are just as bad for not prioritising the kids he already has!

Why should their mum give up the house that fits the kids to a man who only has them 6 nights out of 30 and doesn’t even mind if they don’t do that? Looking to reduce it to x4 nights and then to zero? Why should he have a big house to barely have them in, they need a decent and stable home as they won’t be getting it with their dad and OP.

I don't know anyone irl who has babies so casually as ppl do on mn.

You can post asking for opinions on practical solutions all you want, but the only obvious recourse was to not choose to bring a baby into a house that cannot adequately house those already here.

The boy and girl should NOT be sharing as it is, and now you want to evict them from the room they share!! Your married boyfriend is a useless father and the only positive in your post is that they appear to have a decent mother.

You should keep the baby in your room with you until you move. Its not unusual for a baby to stay in their parents room until much later than 6 months. I think that is the only fair solution that won't make your husband's children feel like they have been pushed out because of the new baby .
It sounds as though their mother is doing everything possible to make sure the children have stability by trying to keep them in the family home your husband should do the same.
I understand your desire to have a baby and that the baby will be foremost in your mind but your husband will have three children and all should be equally considered. A baby staying in their parents bedroom won't hurt it but it will hurt the older children to feel they are second best.

My toddler is 22 months and she has only just got round to sitting/napping /sleeping at night for few hours in her cot bed which is in my room. Every child is different and u dont know how ur will be sleep wise. 5 months is far too early from my experience to put baby in own room.

I would move eldest child to sleep on sofa get a teddy fleece duvet set which are relatively cheap and very warm less safety risk than an electric blanket. Keep the younger child in the room by themselves because in fairness they should've been separated by now its not ideal for either of them to be sharing due to their age and gender which is obvious. I would reccomend you purchase a cot bed style cot that grows with baby til they're 4. That way if ur still in between moving the baby will have a bed that grows with them and u have less things to hold in storage.

I understand u couldn't wait to have your own child but the existing children still count as part of your family and the new baby has to fit in to arrangements and life. You cant simply change everything in advance especially as you dont know how the baby's temperament will be.

Your partner is still a married man so in fairness he has obligations he needs to sort out regardless if his estranged wife is taking her time - she has 2 children to deal with!

Our youngest baby stayed in with us past the age of one due to Covid and the smallest room needing to be a home office . It was absolutely fine .

Honestly, this is ridiculous. Why have a baby if you have no space for it. The older children were there first. Bunk beds in the second room, baby stays with you. If it was your child you’d make it happen.

Keep your baby in with you, it's way easier for breastfeeding anyway and seems like a pretty obvious solution that doesn't involve a traumatic change for young children who have already been through the divorce of their parents and an ongoing fight over whether they get to stay in their home.

Agree, he seldom sees his children and is now proposing to see even less. Awful. And it doesn’t bode well for the future.