Baby on the way, partners kids overnights

[TheHonestHedgehog]

My partner and I are expecting a baby. We live in my small two-bed terraced house.

My partner's two kids (12 and 8, boy and girl) stay with us every other weekend, Friday to Monday, in the second bedroom, which they share, which is already an issue due to their ages and lack of space - it is also used as my home office the rest of the time.

We’ve been trying to move for 2 years but ongoing divorce complications have stopped this - we’ve been together over 3 years and the divorce is still ongoing with no end date in site.

Until the financials are settled we can not afford to move.

The second bedroom at some point will become the babies room. I’m aware people will have opinions on this, but there is physically no other option when it comes to the storage and things we will need for the baby, that room will have to be used for them.

The living room is not big enough for any sort of blow up or temp beds, and the dining room is open plan with the kitchen - which we intend to utilise as my new office and play space for baby. Further to this, with it being open plan it is near impossible to heat in winter.

The second bedroom is not big enough to have a double bed in, so we can’t even swap with ours as an option.

No other family are nearby, both sets of parents are over an hour drive away and paying for separate accommodation for three nights a fortnight isn't affordable either - we’re both self employed.

Our plan:

• Overnights continue for now with the kids in their usual room prior to the birth but with changes to the room setup while we prepare and get what baby needs.
• After the birth, we step down to Friday and Saturday nights, home on Sunday evening so they're rested for school and a small step towards the next adjustment.
• Overnights to pause once baby is 5 months old and we start moving them into the second room, they will resume as soon as we move (hopefully not long after this)
• Until then: Our Saturday and Sunday days, 9am to 7pm, plus continuing the other in-week contact my partner already has with them.

Their mum thinks we should find a way to keep all three nights, with airbeds or paid accommodation. We feel this is not realistic with a newborn and the space available.

And without giving too much context - most of the ongoing divorce complications are because their mum is fighting to keep the former family home (that she can only just afford at a big stretch) for the wellbeing and ongoing routine of her children as priority. A year before she had agreed to sell so everyone could move, my house was on sale and we had an offer in on a bigger home, which was all undone as she later changed her mind.

Finally - I know people will wonder why have you gotten pregnant when this is the situation, but with no end date or visible outcome to the divorce in site and me getting close to “that age” I didn’t want to wait and risk never being able to have a baby of my own. We expected to be trying for a while but have been extremely fortunate that it’s happened right away 🫶🏽

I would like people’s opinions on our plan, any other suggestions, similar situations or what they think should happen here, the last thing we want is to push the kids out but things are already a struggle with space, them sharing, their ages and genders.

Thank you

This is actually OP's issue They can fit a baby in their existing space with minor tweaks without impacting the step children at all.

But OP doesn't want to squeeze a cot in next to her bed and (e.g.) buy an under bed storage box for the baby's things. She clearly has visions of a nursery that is decorated and set up exactly how she wants it with all the lovely baby items that manufacturers insist are essential for new mums. Only, rather inconveniently, that vision doesn't include 2 existing step children, hence they need to be airbrushed out.

Yeah this is pretty shocking op. You chose to add another child to a house that is already unsuitable for the kids your dh has. Now you are going to reduce contact so the baby can have its own room at 5 months old. Have you even considered what message this sends to the children? Keep the baby in with you for longer and get a bigger house as soon as you possibly can.

I completely understand that it felt impossible to wait to conceive as the conclusion is uncertain. You have a right to a family as much as your ex. With that being said, if you make adult decisions you should be the ones to adjust your lives for them, not the existing children who didn't ask for any of this. Removing these children to make way for a planned sibling will only serve to make them feel unwelcome and unwanted, and I would have real doubts about the character of any man seemingly in agreement with this plan that would undoubtedly harm his children's wellbeing. Even more so if I was expecting his dc.

I agree with pp's, a baby does not need a nursery, the child can stay in your room indefinitely. Your partner's children can also continue to share their room until the move. It isn't ideal, but this is the situation you are in.

This may not be well received, but I think you and your partner should work to build bridges with his ex. I understand that her actions have disrupted your plans, but as far as I can see, she is simply trying to maintain a stable home for her dc, at significant financial (and no doubt emotional) cost to herself. Surely you can see that this is no different to what you are trying to achieve with the move. I think sitting down together and trying to figure out a workable solution for everyone would pay dividends. I would even consider mediation as a swift and fair solution would be of benefit to all concerned.

Before you make a decision, please bear in mind that by doing what you propose, you are not just punishing your partner's ex, you are hurting your dsc too. I'm sure that isn't what you want.

Sweet Jesus this is awful. I would have loved a second child but we have no room in our house. I didn’t turf out the first one to make room for a new one 😳 You wanted something that was impossible to accommodate and ploughed on anyway. The baby needs to stay in with you until you can move. If you have to sleep in a pile of baby clothes and toys to do so then so be it. The children shouldn’t suffer for your impatience. They only see their dad 6 nights a month and you want to cut it down to 4 and then none! You are being the Stereotypical evil stepmom

They’re not being considered equally are they though?! She’s wanting to get shut of them - that’s not ‘blending’!

What a message to send out to his two existing children....turf them out of their bedroom as a brand new shiny baby is coming along. 🙄

This has to be a wind up post surely? You are having a planned baby with a man who is married, doesn't have anywhere to live and who is already showing himself to be a crap dad to his existing kids?

Don't be surprised when he's happy to abandon you and your child when the going gets tough (or the next woman comes along)!

Your a first time mum, we all make these assumptions and plans how it’ll go, mostly the baby stays with you, currently in my own bed with my 9 month old baby while he naps. He hasn’t got a bed room it’s currently being built. You really need to support the current child too. Because trust me, when daddy has a new baby it’s hard and it hurts. I slept on a sofa for months then it became years. I felt so displaced by my dad. We don’t speak anymore.

You absolutely cannot cut their overnights due to the new baby. The only real solution there is is that the baby stays in your room until you move to a bigger house and you make sure you have somewhere big enough to move to before the baby is say 2 even if you need to lower expectations

in what world does 5 month old baby need a bedroom? as long is they're in the cot they are fine to stay in with you.

Moving his other 2 children out because he's having another child is extremely short sighted and does unnecessary damage to any future relationship between both him and their new sibling.

what a way to immediately sour relations.

They are over 6 days a month and even that is unsustainable for a 5 month old to have its own room. give over.

Guidance is that baby sleeps with you for at least the first 6 months and ideally a year. In reality mine have always stayed in my room close to 2 years. There's no need to pay the other children out and it's very unreasonable to reduce their contact hours with their dad for a baby who doesn't need any space anyway

I understand your decision to have a baby and not wait for the financial order to be finalised, but in absolutely every other respect, your SK's mum is correct.

It would be outrageous to stop the overnights for this reason. Your DP can always take the SK's away for a night or two if it's too crowded. Baby should 100% stay in with you until you move.

If you insist on leaving the SK's with their mother for the small amount of time your DP is willing to have them overnight, then I hope DP's ex asks for the maintenance paid to reflect the new normal. I would It might help her afford to keep her own children in their family home.

I expect she would rather keep her children with her, too, and of course she would want them to be safe etc. But their father has the right to insist on their visits to him, and he has the responsibility to make sure there is somewhere safe for them to sleep on those visits. He is not a child.

We don’t know the circumstances of their break-up, but he chose to start a new family without considering how it would impact the children he already has. It is absolutely not the duty or responsibility of his wife (the ex) to willingly give up her and her children's home to make life easier for him or his new partner.

It’s crazy to me how someone is happy to become a mother with someone who is happy to shirk his responsibilities and abandon his other children. Father’s responsibilities are not optional- he has a duty to his current children he needs to maintain or he can irreversibly damage his relationship with his kids. Why do you want to be with a man who signs off on this? Your baby can easily stay in your room for more than 5 months and this plan is cruel and irresponsible. Just remember you may soon be the mother whose kids are being knocked away for the shiny new family.

100pc agree with this

A baby doesn't need their own room, but the children do, and it's not worth poisoning the relationship between him and the children and you and the children just because YOU want a nursery.

In terms of things that the baby actually needs there will be additional clothes, pushchair, bottle cleaning apparatus if you are not breastfeeding. The cot will presumably be in your bedroom at first anyway, a pushchair won't be in that room and clothes can go anywhere. I promise you the baby will not know or care.

You don't need a special chair, a changing station, a fold up mat is fine.

Your partner needs to sort his financials ASAP.

Baby stays in with you until you have a bigger house. Like it or not it was your choice to have a baby. What if your DHs ex also refused to have the kids overnight? Your DH doesnt get to abandon the responsibility he has to his existing DC because he's been fool enough to have another baby he didnt have room for.

I think you have more time then you think. Most babies are very content in a room with mum and dad til 1.

You can re-examine where you are at 10 months and hopefully that will give both your partner and his ex time to finalise the divorce. As an aside she either needs to buy him out or sell the house with the caveat of depends how the deposit was generated, if it was ring fenced etc.

You buy a cot that can easily be moved around.
The baby stays in your room with you on the nights when DSC are there.
The rest of the time (once old enough) the baby can go in the other room.

Your suggestion of no more overnights with DSC is completely unfair, particularly with a young baby.

Please let this be the impetus your DP needs to get to a divorce settlement and therefore you can all move on with your lives

Is Op coming back?

Whilst I agree the baby can be in the parents room for a lot longer and it would be really wrong to prioritise the new baby over your partner’s children, I think people are being a bit harsh on the OP: they are in this position because the ex wife won’t agree to a divorce. I appreciate there may be more to this than we know - but she also has to take some responsibility for her children being put in this position. It’s not all on the OP and partner

5 months is a really random amd strange timeline to put a baby in their own room. They are reccomended to sleep in your room for atleast 6 months, but keeping them with you for a year or even more isn't a bad idea either, especially if you're breastfeeding. The baby will be fine in your room, the older kids take priority for that.

Where the blame lies is irrelevant. The only people OP and the kids dad are planning on punishing here are the existing kids. They knew the ‘lay of the land’ when they attempted to conceive so the ‘room’ issue is their mistake and theirs alone.

I think if these were your own children and you were divorced, you'd be arguing for the same arrangement as their mother wants. Airbeds. It will be crowded and chaotic for a while, but like everyone who goes ahead and has more children than they have the space for and can't afford to move, you just have to suck it up or a while. Look on the bright side, at least it's not full time.

It was rather foolish to have a baby in these circumstances. You certainly can't chuck out his kids, and will have to have the babe with you.