Baby on the way, partners kids overnights

[TheHonestHedgehog]

My partner and I are expecting a baby. We live in my small two-bed terraced house.

My partner's two kids (12 and 8, boy and girl) stay with us every other weekend, Friday to Monday, in the second bedroom, which they share, which is already an issue due to their ages and lack of space - it is also used as my home office the rest of the time.

We’ve been trying to move for 2 years but ongoing divorce complications have stopped this - we’ve been together over 3 years and the divorce is still ongoing with no end date in site.

Until the financials are settled we can not afford to move.

The second bedroom at some point will become the babies room. I’m aware people will have opinions on this, but there is physically no other option when it comes to the storage and things we will need for the baby, that room will have to be used for them.

The living room is not big enough for any sort of blow up or temp beds, and the dining room is open plan with the kitchen - which we intend to utilise as my new office and play space for baby. Further to this, with it being open plan it is near impossible to heat in winter.

The second bedroom is not big enough to have a double bed in, so we can’t even swap with ours as an option.

No other family are nearby, both sets of parents are over an hour drive away and paying for separate accommodation for three nights a fortnight isn't affordable either - we’re both self employed.

Our plan:

• Overnights continue for now with the kids in their usual room prior to the birth but with changes to the room setup while we prepare and get what baby needs.
• After the birth, we step down to Friday and Saturday nights, home on Sunday evening so they're rested for school and a small step towards the next adjustment.
• Overnights to pause once baby is 5 months old and we start moving them into the second room, they will resume as soon as we move (hopefully not long after this)
• Until then: Our Saturday and Sunday days, 9am to 7pm, plus continuing the other in-week contact my partner already has with them.

Their mum thinks we should find a way to keep all three nights, with airbeds or paid accommodation. We feel this is not realistic with a newborn and the space available.

And without giving too much context - most of the ongoing divorce complications are because their mum is fighting to keep the former family home (that she can only just afford at a big stretch) for the wellbeing and ongoing routine of her children as priority. A year before she had agreed to sell so everyone could move, my house was on sale and we had an offer in on a bigger home, which was all undone as she later changed her mind.

Finally - I know people will wonder why have you gotten pregnant when this is the situation, but with no end date or visible outcome to the divorce in site and me getting close to “that age” I didn’t want to wait and risk never being able to have a baby of my own. We expected to be trying for a while but have been extremely fortunate that it’s happened right away 🫶🏽

I would like people’s opinions on our plan, any other suggestions, similar situations or what they think should happen here, the last thing we want is to push the kids out but things are already a struggle with space, them sharing, their ages and genders.

Thank you

I think it’s 100% keep the baby in your room for longer op.
You can’t psychologically damage his first kids by making them feel replaced.

Haha...no.

Moving house should have taken priority over another child.

But you are where you are. While looking for 4 bed house, the baby stays with you.

If they were your kids, where would you be sending them now you're expecting another? They're not an optional extra.

If you stop overnights then your partner will have to pay more maintenance You may find they're not so keen on overnights as they get older having been frozen out due to the baby.

Sorry, but if I was the ex wife in this situation, I'd be pissed off.

Gosh that’s an awful idea, baby can stay with you as long as needed. His kids need priority too

Really good question.

You can keep baby in with you as long as they fit in a cot and the cot fits in your room.
Granted, it won't be ideal, or give you the nursery that you want to prepare.
And it won't put pressure onto to the ex to get on with it.
In your shoes you need to put this in the "not today's problem " box and focus on what you can change.
You can with dp explore every avenue to finalise the divorce. Sounds like a stalemate where maybe do doesn't want to force the sale but something has to give.

That little boy and girl are your baby's big brother and sister. My partner had a 7 year old at the time our first was born. My babies first word was his brothers name. He would always crawl to sit in his lap. They love each other so much and the now 9 year old helps out so much with entertaining him. There is not your partners family and your family, to your child you are one big family. It can be hard to fit around more people but it can be great too. Do what you can to give their relationships the best start, you'll be glad you did.

I mean it was always going to be complicated having a baby with a man with two kids who is still technically married.

You have no choice other than to keep the baby in with you until you can move. I kept mine in with me for about 8 months, not due to lack of bedrooms, just because I wanted to.

It is not the ex-wife's responsibility to be "considerate" about the well-being or the wishes of her ex's new wife, or to agree to limit what she is asking for financially, for herself and her children, for the benefit of her ex and his new family.

As virtually every poster has said, you need to keep baby in your room until you move to the bigger house and keep the arrangements with your step-children unchanged.

You chose to have a baby. You acknowledge that you didn't want to wait because of your age, but this is your choice. That means that you are the one that has to put up with any temporary discomfort and not your step-children.

And to pick up on one of your points - baby's do not need lots of things. If you don't have enough space, you should be focussing on minimising the amount you are getting, not pushing your stepchildren out to create more.

Your baby doesn’t need their own room from 5 months.

and if your partner so easily cuts down his already very limited time with his children then he’s an incredibly poor father.

bunk beds for the children so you can also fit some storage in. Sofa bed in the dining room for you and your partner if necessary (electric blanket and/or hot water bottles) if you haven’t moved by the time your baby needs out of their cot.

People used to live in two bedroom places with many children so whilst not ideal there is absolutely no excuse for your partner to cut out his existing children just to accommodate his shiny new one.

Isn’t there a good chance the baby will much prefer to stay with you longer - sometimes babies are very unhappy being separated from parents overnight and the solution is they stay with you.

Stopping the boys overnights to give the baby their room will cause serious damage.

It’s already difficult enough for kids of split parents to watch Dad have a new baby, a baby he lives with full time while they only see him part time.

Its tough for you because it’s your house and you want to make it the best for your new baby, but that’s life with a man who already has kids.

You have options. Rent out your house and rent a bigger house for you all.

Everything stays as it is now, baby is in your room which is perfectly normal.

You prioritise the existing children whose lives are already rather messy.
The baby stays with you until you move house and the children keep their room - you can put bunks in there which gives them a little more privacy.
If anything you should be making your partner's children feel even more welcome so they don't feel sidelined by the arrival of a new baby.

Put yourself in the shoes of those children - Dad and his new partner have had a baby and now they don't want us to stay over as often.
Have you even thought how they feel?
Keep their Mother out if it. She might be being an utter shit, but this should not cloud your decision making.

Sorry but if I was the ex wife I'd be very pissed off. You're not really considering the mess you're creating in an already messy situation.

But that's fine, because you get your baby.

But surely it should be her responsibility to make sure the children are safe, comfortable and properly looked after while spending time with their dad. She seems to have absolutely no concern about where they're going to be accommodated.
Personally, I'd rather keep my children with me than send them somewhere with inadequate space or have them dragged from one cheap accommodation to another. How is that in their best interests?

Op you didn't have to get involved with someone who hadn't yet divorced. You didn't have to get involved with someone who had two kids. You chose to join that existing situation. The house was already too small and he wasn't yet divorced and finances sorted but you both chose to add to have a baby. Yes your clock was ticking but see my first point.

You and DP chose this situation. You literally chose to join and then add to it. You don't get to just remove the 2 people who were already there and have no choice.

Perhaps for the 3 nights a fortnight your step children are at the house, your baby could go and stay with a relative? After all there is no room for baby - everyone knew that on those 3 days the second room was occupied. I'm guessing the thought of that feels bloody awful and ridiculous? As it should. It should feel equally awful the idea of shoving your step children out.

And how will you feel when he’s on his next family and can’t fit your child in as he has another on the way?

I think you’ve asked this question because in your heart you know it is wrong and, as the children’s father, your partner should not even be entertaining this idea.

Louder for the crap dads at the back - children from a first marriage are not an inconvenience to be solved when a new baby comes along. They should have as much priority as the new baby, if not more, as they are old enough to understand they are being deprioritised!

this I think. If you’re planning to move before baby is 1, then baby stays in your room till then. Thats completely normal- my youngest never slept a full night in her toddler bed, moved to her own room properly at 3.

So first the overnights have to stop because of lack of space. Then how long until the day visits go up in smoke too because its not convenient/would interfere too much with babies routine/the kids dad and OP are too tired.

Oh lol. The ex-wife has to pick up the pieces of a problem created by the dad? No, responsibility lies with their dad to remain consistent, not for the mum to perform damage control due to poor planning.

Yeah plenty people keep the ‘baby’ in with them until able to share with an older sibling at 2/3 as it’s more convenient.