Baby on the way, partners kids overnights

[TheHonestHedgehog]

My partner and I are expecting a baby. We live in my small two-bed terraced house.

My partner's two kids (12 and 8, boy and girl) stay with us every other weekend, Friday to Monday, in the second bedroom, which they share, which is already an issue due to their ages and lack of space - it is also used as my home office the rest of the time.

We’ve been trying to move for 2 years but ongoing divorce complications have stopped this - we’ve been together over 3 years and the divorce is still ongoing with no end date in site.

Until the financials are settled we can not afford to move.

The second bedroom at some point will become the babies room. I’m aware people will have opinions on this, but there is physically no other option when it comes to the storage and things we will need for the baby, that room will have to be used for them.

The living room is not big enough for any sort of blow up or temp beds, and the dining room is open plan with the kitchen - which we intend to utilise as my new office and play space for baby. Further to this, with it being open plan it is near impossible to heat in winter.

The second bedroom is not big enough to have a double bed in, so we can’t even swap with ours as an option.

No other family are nearby, both sets of parents are over an hour drive away and paying for separate accommodation for three nights a fortnight isn't affordable either - we’re both self employed.

Our plan:

• Overnights continue for now with the kids in their usual room prior to the birth but with changes to the room setup while we prepare and get what baby needs.
• After the birth, we step down to Friday and Saturday nights, home on Sunday evening so they're rested for school and a small step towards the next adjustment.
• Overnights to pause once baby is 5 months old and we start moving them into the second room, they will resume as soon as we move (hopefully not long after this)
• Until then: Our Saturday and Sunday days, 9am to 7pm, plus continuing the other in-week contact my partner already has with them.

Their mum thinks we should find a way to keep all three nights, with airbeds or paid accommodation. We feel this is not realistic with a newborn and the space available.

And without giving too much context - most of the ongoing divorce complications are because their mum is fighting to keep the former family home (that she can only just afford at a big stretch) for the wellbeing and ongoing routine of her children as priority. A year before she had agreed to sell so everyone could move, my house was on sale and we had an offer in on a bigger home, which was all undone as she later changed her mind.

Finally - I know people will wonder why have you gotten pregnant when this is the situation, but with no end date or visible outcome to the divorce in site and me getting close to “that age” I didn’t want to wait and risk never being able to have a baby of my own. We expected to be trying for a while but have been extremely fortunate that it’s happened right away 🫶🏽

I would like people’s opinions on our plan, any other suggestions, similar situations or what they think should happen here, the last thing we want is to push the kids out but things are already a struggle with space, them sharing, their ages and genders.

Thank you

Ylu can keep baby with you fir a lot longer than 5 months. Thats not judgement... its practical as babies often not ready for a lot longer than that.

You can't abandon two of the children to replace with a new baby. He already sees them very little. 5 month olds do not need a bedroom, mine stayed in with me until 2. A man that cannot parent the two children he has shouldn't be beinging more children into the world. You've both been so selfish to bring a baby into the mix.

Your baby doesn't need their own room at 5 months. You only need a cot/next to me which you can keep in your room. Baby's stuff can be in the second bedroom with the two older children thats no big deal as long as everyone has somewhere to sleep.

If genders is a problem (which isn't a new problem BTW you've always known how old they are and that they aren't the same gender) one can have the room one can have the sofa?

Its only short term until you move as you said.

You cant just give up your custody arrangements with these children because there is a new baby coming, you will need to squeeze and make do until you move.

Yeah, no. You chose to get pregnant. I understand your age etc but you made that decision and with the decision came the responsibility to make a plan for his older children. Your lack of desire to make that plan is nobody's fault but yourselves and you absolutely should not be taking it out on your kids. You are portraying yourself as the worst type of stepmother, I hope that's because you've just given us a tiny snapshot otherwise those poor kids.

His wife is well within her rights to fight for the house btw. Why he has not progressed things faster? My friend is in the middle of a hideous divorce and is at the final stage of court (where the judge decides for you!) now after 18months... your partner needed to get this sorted before he got you pregnant.

The baby sleeps in with you. Storage in the second bedroom, fine. Beds stay in there for the big kids. Baby moves out when you move house.

Also I would seriously consider making sure youve always got your ducks in a row for you and baby. A man who is willing to treat his children like this will do it again and again, your child will be the next one being shoved out of his life when their presence is a bit inconvenient to him.

The message you will send to the kids is… we don’t want you here because baby takes priority.

baby can stay in with you longer.

I was thinking this too. If you plan to move not long after the baby is 5 months old, I'd keep things as they are and keep the baby with you until you move.
Also seems a bit pointless to create a nursery just before moving.

Realistically, the kids will feel a bit pushed out just by having the new baby around and the focus and attention changing. Taking away their bedroom and overnight stays on top of that feels a bit harsh unless you really have to.

Given the situation, I think that is the only workable solution.

And do not tell the other children that their mum is dragging out the divorce so you cant buy a bigger house so they cant stay anymore.

Thats emotional manipulation and you should know better.

You are ridiculous.

Kids aren't toys!

Baby stays in your room until you move house - it’s that simple. Even if that means you have to get a smaller double bed or move your wardrobe to the garage or one adult sleeps in the lounge.

You have a baby with a man who already has children - you can’t just decide to opt of having them to stay - imagine the message that sends about his existing kids being unwanted and replaced by the baby’s

I would move as soon as you can the kids are going to feel pushed out regardless but hopefully this will lessen this

You keep the baby in with you longer, in the cot.

Doesn’t matter who is the cause of the house move issue, don’t put the existing kids in the middle of it.

For the gender issue, have one in the bedroom and one on the sofa. Or get a sofa with a pull out bed.

I agree with your step kids mum

Baby stays in with you until you move somewhere bigger. The DCs already here keep their routine and contact with their DF.

Having a new baby shouldn’t change anything for the older two, baby can sleep in your room for a while, older two can continue the routine they have. Once baby needs the bedroom then hopefully you’ll either have moved or you can get a sofa bed for the dining room area that eldest two can share while they stay wih you.

their routines shouldn’t be changed just because you are having a baby.

If your DPs solution to this issue is to see his older children less, then he’s a pretty shitty parent.
The baby hasn’t yet been born so you have approx 12 months to sort this out.
options include -
renting out your current house and renting yourselves a 3 bed house
DP pulling his finger out and getting the financial order sorted
DP renting a 2 bed flat himself for him and his older DC to stay in.

The option of his DC no longer staying overnight is not an option!

Why are you having a child with him when this is the situation he’s put himself in with 2 existing children? Absolute stupidity.

Also what is holding up the divorce? If dh is waiting to get equity out of former marital home then I think at this point you have to consider forcing a sale.

Baby doesn’t need to have their own room at 5 months. Their room doesn’t need to start to change before the baby is even born.

Also worth pointing out that your partner abandoning his children will likely hold up the divorce further as Mum will need to claim more from the divorce as a solo parent to care for the poor children.

The baby can stay with you for much longer than 5 months. If you are breastfeeding you wouldn't want to move them out that early and even if you aren't, it's perfectly possible to keep the baby with you for much longer if needed.

I appreciate the situation must be very frustrating but it sounds very much like you want to 'show' her that her actions have consequences by making this as hard as possible. In reality, the consequence will be that your partner wrecks his relationship with his kids.

As everyone else has said, you can't replace the two children with the new baby, their relationship with their dad will never recover from that wound. The baby stays in with you until you move house. Communicate somehow with their mum to get the house move going again. She may be unreasonable. Your partner may be too. They need to try harder to get this sorted

Why 5 months? That’s before all the safety advice available. Realistically baby can be in with you indefinitely. If you’re prioritising moving them into their own room when they know no different over beds for your partners children then I do think that’s quite unfair

I like the way the mum is blamed for wanting to keep a big enough house for the kids and to maintain stability - which is apparently awful of her. Yet, to you and their father, those kids are disposable! Absolutely disgusting. Don’t tell me there’s no physical way of rejigging and making the space work, that’s bullshit. Someone has to prioritise those children’s wellbeing, at least their mum is!

Get a sofa bed, bunk beds, Murphy beds, bloody whatever. Fucking hell I lived in a minuscule one-bed at one point and everything had to be climbed over and moved around to get in and out for almost a year until things changed for us. I didn’t get rid of my kids, though, and they still talk about it fondly. Kids are not disposable, you have to make any and everything work for them.

Nothing changes until you move house. The children still visit like now, share a room just as they do now. The baby stays in your room until the move. You don't just pause their overnights because you have a baby.

The only possible change is that the oldest child sleeps on the sofa whilst the younger 8 year old sleeps in the 2nd bedroom. No one moves out for the baby. The baby stays with you, in your room for as long as it takes to move house.