Baby on the way, partners kids overnights

[TheHonestHedgehog]

My partner and I are expecting a baby. We live in my small two-bed terraced house.

My partner's two kids (12 and 8, boy and girl) stay with us every other weekend, Friday to Monday, in the second bedroom, which they share, which is already an issue due to their ages and lack of space - it is also used as my home office the rest of the time.

We’ve been trying to move for 2 years but ongoing divorce complications have stopped this - we’ve been together over 3 years and the divorce is still ongoing with no end date in site.

Until the financials are settled we can not afford to move.

The second bedroom at some point will become the babies room. I’m aware people will have opinions on this, but there is physically no other option when it comes to the storage and things we will need for the baby, that room will have to be used for them.

The living room is not big enough for any sort of blow up or temp beds, and the dining room is open plan with the kitchen - which we intend to utilise as my new office and play space for baby. Further to this, with it being open plan it is near impossible to heat in winter.

The second bedroom is not big enough to have a double bed in, so we can’t even swap with ours as an option.

No other family are nearby, both sets of parents are over an hour drive away and paying for separate accommodation for three nights a fortnight isn't affordable either - we’re both self employed.

Our plan:

• Overnights continue for now with the kids in their usual room prior to the birth but with changes to the room setup while we prepare and get what baby needs.
• After the birth, we step down to Friday and Saturday nights, home on Sunday evening so they're rested for school and a small step towards the next adjustment.
• Overnights to pause once baby is 5 months old and we start moving them into the second room, they will resume as soon as we move (hopefully not long after this)
• Until then: Our Saturday and Sunday days, 9am to 7pm, plus continuing the other in-week contact my partner already has with them.

Their mum thinks we should find a way to keep all three nights, with airbeds or paid accommodation. We feel this is not realistic with a newborn and the space available.

And without giving too much context - most of the ongoing divorce complications are because their mum is fighting to keep the former family home (that she can only just afford at a big stretch) for the wellbeing and ongoing routine of her children as priority. A year before she had agreed to sell so everyone could move, my house was on sale and we had an offer in on a bigger home, which was all undone as she later changed her mind.

Finally - I know people will wonder why have you gotten pregnant when this is the situation, but with no end date or visible outcome to the divorce in site and me getting close to “that age” I didn’t want to wait and risk never being able to have a baby of my own. We expected to be trying for a while but have been extremely fortunate that it’s happened right away 🫶🏽

I would like people’s opinions on our plan, any other suggestions, similar situations or what they think should happen here, the last thing we want is to push the kids out but things are already a struggle with space, them sharing, their ages and genders.

Thank you

The fact your DH would consider this with his children tells you exactly how he would be with your child if you ever split up

Will your partner do all the driving on Saturday and Sunday as it is his and your idea?

Just keep the baby in your room.

Baby can stay in with you much longer than 5 months. At least 2 years, that way there is no major change for the existing children who will probably want to be involved in the excitement of a new brother/sister.

Hopefully the divorce will get sorted quickly but I do feel for the ex trying to keep a familiar roof over the head of the children,

Of course their mum wants to keep the family home that she no doubt envisaged her kids being in until adulthood with the man who created a family with her. That’s not a ‘complication’ but a completely natural thing that should have been expected by their dad.

Why on earth does a 5 month old need their own bedroom?

You are making your feelings for his children loud and clear, and the children will remember it. Whether or not the resulting impact on their relationship with their father will come back to cause issues in your relationship is anyone’s guess (if he’s as useless a parent as he’s coming across, it probably won’t tbf so you might be alright there)

Why on earth you’d actively choose to procreate with a man who can’t adequately house his children for the bare minimum of every other weekend is another confusing one to me - surely you must have had better options than this man.

Exactly this

This can’t possibly be real, if it is you and your partner are utterly terrible people.

You can’t just end their visits, what message does that give them? That the new baby is more important. You’ve got to find a way to keep the current setup. Baby can stay in with you for a lot longer than 5 months, keep baby with you until you move.

Yep baby needs to stay in your room as long as it takes to get a bigger place. Sorry if it's inconvenient but if you take on a man who has other children, you are taking on his kids too - they come as a package deal. The who's what's and wherefores of why you don't have a bigger place is totally irrelevant, as it's the amenity or niceness of their mum (I suspect you were the other woman and are looking to spread the guilt around a bit?)

Please don't be 'that' stepmother.

Who owns the house? If it's you, it seems quite convenient that as soon as he needed somewhere to house himself and children he met and moved in with you 😬.

Agree with others that the baby can stay in with you past 5 months. I strongly advise that you take that option and keep contact as is over any other option.

Yeah, I often think stepmoms have a hard time on mumsnet, but this is ridiculous. I had a similar-ish situation and baby stayed in our room until we moved when baby was 22 months. Not ideal but the idea of stopping overnights genuinely never even occurred to us (and I wouldn’t have thought myself a great stepmum). No baby needs it’s own room at 5 months.

You’ve made a great plan to push your step children out. Top parenting by you and their father.

Harsh comments, but this is MN where every child is expected to have their own room. I have been in your situation, was made homeless at the horrible complicated divorce (ex H tried to kill me) I was given a 2 bed "social " house set for demolition. second dh had been separated years, but never divorced. Also complicated,divorce. He had no dks, I was 40. However, we sat my 3 down at the table, told them we were hoping to have a baby. I got plenty of nasty comments. My dks had always shared bedrooms. My grandkids stay a lot,we have a 2 bed open plan bungalow (the downsize) they're 15/16 boy,girl. (Not the man-made gender nonsense) if they both stay, they share the spare room, I got bunk beds,they shower and dress in the bathroom. If they want time alone, there's the lounge/conservatory/summerhouse (not warm enough to sleep in)

Where was he living when he separated from his wife? Surely he didn't move straight in with you? Otherwise, if he could afford something small then, maybe he should do that now until such a time he can afford to house all the children he has fathered in one place.

Either that or you keep the baby in your room. Him reducing contact with his existing kids is arsehole behaviour.

Your ‘solution’ is shocking! You get together with a man with kids, you respect that and YOU fit in!!
if I was the mother I’d be expecting a shift in the payments, so your DH pays more due to you not following through with your husbands actual, currrwnt responsibilities.
the baby can stay in your bedroom until you move to a 3/4 bedroom house. If it’s 3 beds then the larger bedroom should be converted so his older children get their own space.
people like you are utterly shocking and self centred - cope with it and just get on

Looking at timeframes (been together 3 years with a 2 year divorce) I'm guessing the OP was the other woman and the partner skipped from his family home straight into her nice tidy child-free home around the age his other kids were a bit hard work and probably ex wife was a bit tired and boring. It's the script. So many do it.

Baby stays in with you. They do not need lots of ‘stuff’, despite what Mamas & Papas / John Lewis tell you. They definitely do not need their own room at 5 months.

This is a separate point to the fact those poor children would feel entirely rejected and replaced if you follow through with this plan.

Our daughter stayed in our room until she was nearly two because we didn’t have a second room.

The Baby doesn’t need its own room and certainly not at 5 months! Ridiculous. Your partner is an awful father to even consider this and you’re lining up to be the wicked step mother who wants rid of the step kids as soon as a baby comes along.

Agree with PP you keep the baby in with you and let the older children keep their room, the baby can easily stay in your room for two years until you move. You can’t just not have his children stay over m, you find a way however difficult it maybe!

OP’s plan is for her boyfriend to bin off his children and change his custody from 3 days & nights to zero in order to replace them with her new baby and you think the comments are what is harsh??

What is possessing you to have a baby with a married man who already has two other children he’s not taking responsibility for housing?!

Keep the baby with you for longer, or move.

If you do move, don’t do anything that means you can be out on the street at your boyfriend’s whim because he’s not exactly showing himself to be a responsible person, so don’t depend on him.

The comments about poster,should not have had a baby!

What were you thinking???

You actively chose to have a relationship with a parent with two young children. They won’t conveniently disappear now that you have a baby on the way!

YOU will have to sacrifice all of your unrealistic ideas to make this work, otherwise you need to separate and parent your baby alone.

I’d be fighting bloody hard to keep the family home if my ex had no desire to house or care for his children too.
Your partner needs to step up and parent all his children , existing and soon to be.
I’m imagining a post in 12 months where you are much aggrieved that you are financially compromised because you partner is paying CM at zero nights rate rather than 3 out of 7.