Baby on the way, partners kids overnights

[TheHonestHedgehog]

My partner and I are expecting a baby. We live in my small two-bed terraced house.

My partner's two kids (12 and 8, boy and girl) stay with us every other weekend, Friday to Monday, in the second bedroom, which they share, which is already an issue due to their ages and lack of space - it is also used as my home office the rest of the time.

We’ve been trying to move for 2 years but ongoing divorce complications have stopped this - we’ve been together over 3 years and the divorce is still ongoing with no end date in site.

Until the financials are settled we can not afford to move.

The second bedroom at some point will become the babies room. I’m aware people will have opinions on this, but there is physically no other option when it comes to the storage and things we will need for the baby, that room will have to be used for them.

The living room is not big enough for any sort of blow up or temp beds, and the dining room is open plan with the kitchen - which we intend to utilise as my new office and play space for baby. Further to this, with it being open plan it is near impossible to heat in winter.

The second bedroom is not big enough to have a double bed in, so we can’t even swap with ours as an option.

No other family are nearby, both sets of parents are over an hour drive away and paying for separate accommodation for three nights a fortnight isn't affordable either - we’re both self employed.

Our plan:

• Overnights continue for now with the kids in their usual room prior to the birth but with changes to the room setup while we prepare and get what baby needs.
• After the birth, we step down to Friday and Saturday nights, home on Sunday evening so they're rested for school and a small step towards the next adjustment.
• Overnights to pause once baby is 5 months old and we start moving them into the second room, they will resume as soon as we move (hopefully not long after this)
• Until then: Our Saturday and Sunday days, 9am to 7pm, plus continuing the other in-week contact my partner already has with them.

Their mum thinks we should find a way to keep all three nights, with airbeds or paid accommodation. We feel this is not realistic with a newborn and the space available.

And without giving too much context - most of the ongoing divorce complications are because their mum is fighting to keep the former family home (that she can only just afford at a big stretch) for the wellbeing and ongoing routine of her children as priority. A year before she had agreed to sell so everyone could move, my house was on sale and we had an offer in on a bigger home, which was all undone as she later changed her mind.

Finally - I know people will wonder why have you gotten pregnant when this is the situation, but with no end date or visible outcome to the divorce in site and me getting close to “that age” I didn’t want to wait and risk never being able to have a baby of my own. We expected to be trying for a while but have been extremely fortunate that it’s happened right away 🫶🏽

I would like people’s opinions on our plan, any other suggestions, similar situations or what they think should happen here, the last thing we want is to push the kids out but things are already a struggle with space, them sharing, their ages and genders.

Thank you

Brand new user name. This is going to be one of those threads where the poster pops back very briefly 'to clarify' a few things, then disappears altogether, isn't it?

Hmm I wonder who is holding up the divorce....considering he sees so little of the children it wouldn't surprise me if it was him blocking things by saying no to sensible requests.

I would also see his treatment of his previous children as a warning. If he isn't bothered about seeing them regularly and agrees with your plan to reduce this even more when you have the baby then be prepared to be a single parent. He sounds like a shit dad.

This is absolutely awful, I'm 30 weeks pregnant (my other children are adults) but my partner has 2 daughters who stay over every weekend and half of the holidays, I could never dream in a million years of doing this to them.
They will already see their dad less than this baby, and this is their home too.
No 5 month old, needs their own bedroom, what a way to make them feel replaced and pushed out, so cruel

This is the worst thing i’ve read all day?! You knew he had two children who he already barely has, you chose to get pregnant?! If you didnt have room you should have waited until the divorce was finalised?

the baby can stay in with you until you move to a bigger house, its absolutely shocking you want to stop the older children all together, and also to give up their room?

if this is what you choose to do, then fully expect for your husband and new child to have no relationship with his existing older children.

Those poor children- they are old enough to understand whats going on here, and are being pushed out fully for a shiny ‘new baby’. Actually disgusting your husband would agree to that!

Your living room moves into the dining room. You don't need both. Your bedroom is downstairs in the old living room. Whichever sex your baby is shares with the older kid of the same sex once they're old enough. Until then they stay in your room.

OP doesn’t bother replying or updating the post. Rage bait 101

This.

The two existing children are probably already struggling with their parents divorcing. Now they are being driven out of their (already small) bedroom at their Dad’s.

Baby stays in with you until you move. If you don't already have one get an ottoman bed and you can store all baby clothes/nappies/sheets in that without taking up floor space

The new baby is not more important than the existing children.

keep the baby you decided to have in your bedroom until you can afford a bigger house to accommodate it.

FFS.

This is so messed up. And I should say that I’m a stepmum so I am not a stepmum hater. You CANNOT stop the kids from staying over. You just can’t. You either have to keep baby in with you until you move (but also - are you going to be able to afford a 4 bed house?) or rent a bigger house until you can buy. This post has made me feel deeply sad for those kids.

Leaving sleeping arrangements to one side, OP is very keen to push all the blame onto the ex-wife. She mentions previously having her house on sale, but not that she ever had an offer on it (so I assume she didn't) and now they have taken a choice to have a baby why is the house not still on sale?

If the divorce is still not finalised by the time it is sold, then moving into rented accommodation in the short term provides them with more space options, makes them more attractive as a buyer and means they can move more quickly to their ultimate house.

You and your DP clearly went to the same school of parenting as my ex and his now wife.

Adult DC want nothing to do with them anymore. So if thats something you're willing to risk them go ahead.

Baby stays in your room for as long as it takes

You don't always get to have the instagram-worthy nursery set-up from the beginning. You work with what you have. Your baby will be fine sharing with you for many months to come. They will be fine, you will be fine. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Your partner needs to pull his finget out and crack on with the divorce so you can move.

No you can't have the kids less, he already barely has them. Is this the sort of father you want him to be?

This has to be rage bait? Your partner needs to provide for the children he created. You need at least 3 bedrooms so that you can at least split the children by gender. This needs to be done either by separating current bedrooms if large enough or moving. If you can't provide this by the time baby is born baby needs to stay with you until you can. Your partner's children need to be provided with reasonable private space and not shafted just because you decided to have more children that you have no space for. This is the bare minimum that any child deserves. No ifs no buts. You decided to get with a man with 2 children so you need to accept this.

My 2yr old is still in our room so that SC can stay over. Its not ideal but trust me, my 2yr old isn't complaining! Children absolutely love sleeping in with their parents and uts completely natural!
I suggest you keep that going for as long as possible

I also think you should keep the baby with you until you move. A baby doesn't need or want their own room. I lived in a one bedroom flat when my first child was born until he was 3 years old so never had his own room until over the age of 3 when we moved (and after that he still slept with me mostly).

Babies also don't need many things -despite what marketing will tell you- they really don't need much at all- some clothes, nappies, somewhere to sleep (as in a small cot that can go in your room) is about all you need. As you are short on space I would try to keep what you get to the minimum.

It seems really heartless what you are planning and also presumptious to assume that the children's mother is just going to fit around you- like she's the default parent.

It does sound like you need to move long term but of course there's a way to have the children overnight in the meantime.

You cannot just replace the now inconvenient children with your own. If you choose to start a family with a man who already has one you can't just phase them out for your convenience...i would be repulsed by a man that even considered doing this to his kids.

Baby in your room in a 'next to me' or similar until at least a year, would be my preference regardless of anything else to do with the situation. We co-slept/breastfed and it was just way easier.

With existing children the baby has to slot into their routine, which stays as stable as possible, not the other way around. I don't think you necessarily need loads while baby is very small - nappy mat and change stuff, I'd advise not going crazy on clothes etc.

Ah, the old… I am having a baby with a married man and clearly my baby is more important than his other children - how can we see less of them…

You're planning to stop his existing two children from staying over to enable you to create 2 spaces for a new baby, you can see how that will be perceived by the children surely?! Your baby needs very little in their first year of life, as exciting as it all is to buy baby items and set up a beautiful nursery.

Agree with the other comments, baby stays in your room until you move. Instead of a lovely expensive nursery you should buy a new sofa bed for the living room or dining space for the older child.

Bunk bed for the step children and after baby is 2 y.o baby stops sleeping with you and can optionally move to a small bed in their siblings' room or hopefully you'll have better accommodation by then. Anything else is cruel to your stepchildren and ultimately to baby in the long run as you'll be depriving him/her of that bond, not to mention the bond between the children and their father will be devastated should they have to move out because of the baby.

I live in a row of two bed terraces. My neighbours just had their fourth child a few months ago. They're managing and so can you.

Keep the baby with you longer: my daughter is 4 and is still with us. (Not a space issue here wants/needs issue) the baby will more than likely still be waking during the night so makes sense to keep them closer.

I think you should have waited until you had a bigger house. You getting pregnant does not stop him from already being a father. Those children shouldn’t suffer because you added another child into the mix.

Your partner might never win his children’s trust back.

is it worth this level of emotional upheaval to give a 5 month old the children’s room? They will remember this rejection for the rest of their lives.

please don’t do it. It’s cruel