I wouldnt have had another baby if I knew things would be like this

[FishHighJumping]

I’ve honestly had enough now. I’m not cut out for this, I’m just not.

I’ve got two boys, DS1 has just turned 4 and DS2 is 23 months. DS1 has suspected autism, not diagnosed yet because apparently everything takes about 400 years, but we’ve been told there are definitely developmental concerns. Getting dressed is a battle, leaving the house is a battle, coming back into the house is a battle, food is a battle, bedtime is a battle. There is no normal day here anymore.

He is aggressive aswell. He hits, kicks, throws things, screams, pulls hair, pushes. He regularly pulls his little brothers hair and shoves him over and then I’m the one having to get between them while DS2 is crying and DS1 is screaming because I’ve stopped him. I tell him leave him alone, I say it nicely, I say it not nicely, I move DS2, I move DS1, nothing makes any difference. DS2 has started copying him now aswell. He pushes things and shouts and has started doing this horrible little angry noise that DS1 does. I feel like I’m watching him turn into the same sort of child and I cannot cope with two of them doing it.

They share a room because we only have two bedrooms and bedtime is honestly a joke. DS1 won’t leave DS2 alone. He gets out of bed, goes over to him, pulls his hair or takes his blanket or whatever he can get hold of. Then DS2 starts crying, DS1 gets louder, I go in there, they both get more worked up and suddenly it’s half 10 and nobody is asleep. I dread bedtime. I actually start feeling sick when it gets to about 6 because I know what’s coming.

DS1 was at nursery but he wasn’t coping there at all. He was having problems with the other children and the staff were struggling with his behaviour. He was getting more and more upset and it just wasn’t working so he isn’t going anymore. He’s just here with me all day every day now. No break, no quiet, no chance to think. DP works full time and doesn’t really see what it’s like during the day. He comes home and DS is sometimes sitting eating or watching something and then apparently I’ve made it sound worse than it is. Yes because you’ve been here for twenty minutes and he’s currently eating a biscuit.

Today was awful from the minute we left the house. We went into town because I needed a few bits and thought it might be nice to get out for once. I took the double buggy, but DS1 refused to sit in it. Screaming, getting out, throwing himself backwards every time I tried to put him back in. In the end I let him walk because I couldn’t spend the whole afternoon wrestling a 4 year old into a buggy while DS2 sat there watching.

Then he ran off. He saw something and went and I was trying to get DS2 out of the way of people and by the time I looked up he was gone. I had to leave the bags and run after him. I was furious and terrified at the same time, which is a horrible combination because you’re trying to catch your child while also wanting to scream at them. I can’t take my own children into town for half an hour without it turning into an emergency. What am I supposed to do, stay in the house until they’re teenagers?

Then he wanted food from one of the shops and when I said no he started screaming again. Honestly the only time he seems properly happy is when he’s eating. He can be miserable and shouting for hours and then you give him something and suddenly he’s fine, sitting there like nothing happened while I’m shaking and trying not to cry. I know people will say sensory issues and regulation and all the rest of it, but I’m telling you what it is like to live with. We came home early and the whole afternoon was a complete waste of time.

I cried when we got home. DP asked what was wrong and I said I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want every day to be like this. I don’t want to spend my life dealing with screaming and hitting and trying to stop one child hurting the other. I don’t enjoy taking DS1 anywhere. I don’t enjoy playing with him. I don’t look forward to him waking up. I feel horrible writing that but it’s true. Sometimes I just want him to go away and leave me alone for five minutes, which obviously makes me feel like the worst person alive.

The thing I feel worst about is I wouldn’t have had another baby if I’d known DS1 was going to be like this. I love DS2, obviously I do, but I feel like I’ve brought him into a family where he can’t even have a normal childhood because everything revolves around DS1. He can’t play in his own room without DS1 going over and grabbing him. He can’t sit with a toy without it being taken. I feel like I’ve made a massive mistake having two children when I can barely manage one. I thought it would get easier as DS got older but it hasn’t. If anything it’s got worse and now there’s another child being dragged into it.

DP says I’m being horrible and DS can’t help it, which I KNOW. I’m not stupid. I know he isn’t waking up thinking how can I ruin mums day today but it feels like it and knowing why he does it doesn’t make it less exhausting when you’re the one dealing with it from 7am until bedtime. I’m the one who can’t go to the toilet without something happening. I’m the one who can’t get them both dressed without somebody screaming. I’m the one who has to watch DS2 every second because DS1 might suddenly pull him over. DP gets to go to work and have adults around him and eat his lunch without somebody throwing a cup.

I’ve been looking into autism assessments and support but everything takes forever. You get told to wait, then wait for another appointment, then somebody says they’ll call you and they don’t. People say ask for help but what help exactly? We don’t have family who can just come and take them for the day. I can’t afford private anything. DP says I need to be more patient but I genuinely don’t know where I’m supposed to find more patience from. I’ve used it all. It’s gone.

I feel like a terrible mother saying this but I am done. Today has tipped me over the edge and I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and do the exact same thing again. I feel like I’ve lost myself completely. I’m just the person who stops people hitting each other and cleans up food and says no all day. I don’t even recognise myself anymore. I want one day where nobody is screaming, nobody is pulling anyone’s hair and I can actually enjoy being a mum instead of just surviving it. Is that really too much to ask?

So what would you suggest he do, give up his job?

Look for local support in your area. Support groups for you and groups for your child. Soft plays often do a Sen session.
You will have a Sen support team in your area ours is called portage contact them or your health visiting team for help. Go to children’s centres/family hubs for support/guidance. Theres some great resources on the autism society website. Autism Inclusivity is a great page on Facebook where autistic adults offer guidance and advice.
Look locally for nurseries that are good with Sen kids or have a Sen unit. If there is nothing suitable look at the criteria for respite in your local area. Look and see if any local charities offer support.
Could your younger child start nursery for a few hours a day? It would give them a break and make things easier for you at home.
I found that a set routine worked well so set getting up/dressing/meal times. A visual timetable and a sand timer for ending activities. We went out every day to Sen sessions or the park. Large fields where he can run around and burn energy. The iPad gave me a break, I used it sparingly so it was a treats d didn’t become the norm but it massively helped at meal prep times. Could he go in their bedroom and chill when you are getting jobs done.
id consider putting one of them in with you on a night . It’s not fair on his younger sibling what’s currently happening.
Avoid doing things he can’t cope with, supermarket shop for example - get it delivered. Dont make life harder than it needs to be. If you reach a point where his anxiety is lower you can work on stuff like that then .
Out and about if he’s a runner you need pushchair or reins non negotiable. Or go to places like parks with decent gates or soft pay etc where it’s all enclosed.

Seek professional help, opinion and advice.
I can only suggest that you predict the worst.

So. always have back opening safety straps on your eldest so that you tether him by reigns to the pram if he can undo the pram harness.
Put the youngest's cot in your bedroom. It is too distressing to allow them to share a room.
Limit screen time to only two hours per week for 4 year old and nil for 2 year old.
Have healthy food made up in fridge and feed 4 year old regularly. Suggest water regularly too.
Plan for outdoor play for 4 year old once or twice perday. Gross motor skill practise and exercise in green space is essential.
Teach 4 year old more helping tasks - putting away toys. Folding clothes, pairing sock, chopping vegies. Mixing salad etc.

Have a play space with Duplo, trains, books etc that is always available. An out door sandpit in a safe yard etc.
It sounds so stressful for you.
Hope you find useful solutions.

Honestly, when they're like this (and frankly even when it's not as bad as this) work is a break. Your DP has a much easier time of it even with a long commute. As others have said you need to leave him to it with them for a day over the weekend so he understands what it is like and what you need. And then do that every weekend. He doesn't get to just say this is on you and leave you to it.

My son is awaiting assessment for ADHD (do look at Right to Choose as it is much quicker) and he is better than he was at almost 7, but at that age I would have taken a long day in the office over a long day at home with him any day!! And I love him dearly, but it was absolutely relentless and that's without another child in the mix. Do not feel bad for how you feel, it is completely natural, you are a human and anyone would.

1. Does DH earn well? If so, I’m hoping you have some cash for private diagnosis and therapies - start looking into this asap. Don’t wait on the nhs, its ridiculous that this is the case but that’s my advice from my experience
2. if he doesn’t earn well then he needs to look into changing job so he’s home earlier. Caring for his children is his responsibility as much as yours, and if you’re not coping then the situation isn’t tenable. If you live somewhere where jobs with this commute are the only well-paying option then fair enough, but even in this situation I’d honestly look into moving (again, I say this from experience - we live rurally and DH’s industry has lots of opportunity in a city 1hr45mins away. We moved so it was just a 45-60 min commute, still rural and close enough to family but his reduced commute made a massive difference to my evenings)
3. Get referred for everything humanly possible asap, the waiting lists will be long
4. find a school nursery with a good reputation for SEN preferably, or if none around you then even just a reputation for having a nice manager - this was an absolute godsend for us. It allowed us to gather more evidence for the EHCP which we managed to get in place before school started.
5. Spend any free time you have (ha - I know you won’t have much of this, certainly not much where you have energy left) familiarising yourself with EHCP and SEN laws and regulations - it is so helpful to be prepared so you immediately know and respond when the LA try to fob you off

Finally I just wanted to say that you sound like an excellent mother in a very difficult situation

We had similar issues (although not as extreme). But particularly with bedtime, they riled each other up and it became horrendous!

So, we moved the bedtime times. Older one stays with other parent, whilst one parent gets younger to sleep.
Then older one goes up to bed. they did something calming like colouring or reading in that time.

The older one saw them as ‘special’ as got some extra time.
obviously harder when doing bedtime solo, but we still encouraged the older one to do something calming (typically in the same room as they didn’t want to be on their own). And then spent some 1:1 time before they went to bed.

Higely changed our life! Because the crux of everyday was waiting for bedtime and working ourselves up with it!

Help at the weekends ?
Look for a job closer to home ?
Reduce hours if they. An afford it ?.
Take the reigns when he gets home? She is exhausted and at breaking point !!!
He can pursue the assessment for autism
He can take a week's annual leave and give her some space

Long-term suggestions:

Your dh looks for a new job and/or you move closer to his job to cut down the commute so that he has more time to share the load of the kids. At the very least he needs to provide support at the weekends. dh and I had to do a lot of "divide and conquer" when the ds's were younger as both were far easier on their own than together.
You move to a property (money allowing) that allows a bedroom each for the children. Or is there a way of dividing the larger of the 2 bedrooms you currently have to give them each there own space.
You apply for an assessment of your ds1's needs. Crucially this should identify his support needs and strategies you can use to help.

Short-term suggestions:

Think about what environments / times your ds is happy and try and replicate these. Think about environments / times your ds1 is reactive and try and work out how you can circumvent these (not forever but for the moment to give you breathing space).
Take ds2 back into your room so he is safe and ds1 has his own space.

You've had a lot of good advice here OP.

I also have 2y age gap, eldest with ASD. DD2 showed no signs until I was already pregnant with DD2, so when life become difficult, I had that feeling of what have I done? She had been an easy baby but became a difficult toddler, very restless and difficult to engage. Meanwhile, DD2 was a sweet placid baby but didn't sleep well, so between the two, I was exhausted and felt like my life had been turned upside down. DH felt the same.

I did get advice, and support from groups etc, and that helped. Luckily DD1 was able to go to nursery, so I kept her in 3 days a week during mat leave and then went back to work. No family support so this was absolutely crucial to my wellbeing. All the strategies in the world can't help when you are too tired and stretched to actually do them.

My dd are 12 and 14 now so this was a while ago, but I know many families with autistic children, and the priorities are:

Childcare and work if at all possible - for balance to your life.
Separating the kids when possible, especially sleeping arrangements. It is vital you all get decent sleep.

Been there done that ..no definitely don't have more children
Get them both in to childcare asap as much as you can afford..this is a long road ,you need to protect your mental health.
Any education settings is needed for evidence for getting EHCP and diagnosis
Mine are in their late 20s now ..it does get get easier,but comes with different challenges.
Take as much time away from them to recharge your batteries as you can
Take turns just taking one child out each and the other parent stays home with one .we found it easier managing one each

I'm sorry you're in such a bad place, OP. I would no doubt feel the same in your situation.

Can DS 2 sleep in your bedroom, to keep him safe and allow him to get some proper sleep? Unless you and your DH live in a box room, I would do this.

Contact SENDIASS to get the Local Authority to recognise DS1 needs immediate support https://www.sendiass.org/about-sendiass/

You're right, everything takes far too long and there is very little free or subsidised support, but you need someone to help you find out what may be there, and then you and your DH need to have the strength to fight for it. I assume it's a no, but look into a private diagnosis and get on a waiting list for an NHS diagnosis immediately.

I also assume, given you're living in a small property, that money is tight but, in case you can spare it, there are specialist childcare companies for children with additional needs. Try to find one that will give you at least 2 full days off. Get your husband to look after both children at the weekend, so you can recharge.

Childcare by the hour, as well as longer placements: sennies.co.uk/for-families

Nannies - https://www.snapcare.co.uk/childcare/agency-fees.aspx

Check out specialist charities that provide respite care and other support:

https://www.autism.org.uk/autism-services-directory

https://www.wellchild.org.uk/get-support/information-hub/organisations-and-resources-for-families-with-an-autistic-child/

https://charityfinder.co.uk/social-care-charities-that-specialise-in-respite

Hi, I could have written this myself two years ago. Very similar situation but my DC are now 5 and 7. My DS1 was on the waiting list for an autism assessment for 5 years before he was diagnosed. He had a lot of the same behaviours you describe, and some worse.

Here are things that helped me:

1. Don't wait for autism assessment, you don't miraculously get support once diagnosed. You don't need a diagnosis for an EHCP or to access various therapies.
2. Get him into an educational setting, talk to them about his challenges, start the EHCP process. This helps get him assessed by relevant professionals. Request a GP appointment, explain his challenges, ask for referrals. Through the EHCP process, our DS1 saw an Ed psych, speech and language therapist and occupational therapist.
3. Behaviour is a form of communication. Deep dive into your son's psyche - what is triggering him to do these behaviours? Keep a journal recording what was happening before the behaviour e.g. we were out in town in the afternoon, then the behaviour e.g. he ran off/he hit his brother and then the consequence. Google "abc chart". You will start to see patterns in his behaviours to help you understand why they happen and predict and avoid them. We found loads of triggers for our son e.g. losing a game, feeling embarassed, being hungry, crowds/noise, queues. All these things would trigger meltdowns, hitting and screaming.
4. Deep dive into different parenting styles. This bit is hard work, we had to completely overhaul how we were parenting. We tried loads of approaches. The most successful approach for us was called "PDA parenting". I also recommend a book called the explosive child.
5. Try a reward chart where he earns points or stickers for good behaviours. Even little things like eating nicely or getting dressed. Give rewards for points. Make it easy to earn points at first. We had daily rewards like getting an ice cream and bigger rewards like 100 points for a fun trip out. Try combining with natural consequences e.g. because you ran off today, now you need to sit in the buggy to go home so that mummy can keep you safe.
6. Create a visual social story board showing your son his routine. Teach him the days of the week and split routine into AM, PM and evening. Our son eventually responded really well to this e.g. no it is not tablet time. Tablet time is at 7. We now extend this to other things e.g. he will shout for mcdonalds and we say no, we cant have mcdonalds more than once every two weeks. He accepted this and now counts the days. He responds well to numbers and rules, your son might too or might not, the approaches that end up working for you will need trial and error.
7. It does sound like you need to try some separation between the two DC. There is nothing wrong with putting your youngest in your room until your eldest learns how to regulate and not to hurt.
8. Experiment with sensory aids. Our DS1 benefitted from theraputty, ear defenders, fidget toys, a spinning chair and a body sock.
9. Allocate time for your self and dont feel guilty about it e.g. every wednesday you go to yoga, or whatever. You cant pour from an empty cup. Also dont care about what people think - i used to be mortified when strangers stared at me trying to control a meltdown in town, now i dont care and focus entirely on my son.

I really hope this helps you and gives you some ideas. You aren't alone in this. My DS1 now attends a specialist school, he is academically on track, loves maths and numbers. The right educational setting has been life changing for him, and reinforced our strategies at home.

I am going to suggest reins. Ignore anyone that judges but my four year old diagnosed as autistic wears them. They are a life saver.

I am not sure suggesting childcare is useful for the potentially autistic one. I genuinely couldn't see any childcare looking after my four year old because he really needs 1-1.

Please make sure you're on solid contraception.

Next, apply to your Carer's Centre for an adult Carer's assessment. It's based on needs, don't worry if your DS1 hasn't been diagnosed yet. You need help and support.

What about the weekends?

This sounds so hard. I’d bring DS2 in with you so he has some space from his brother. Could your DH do more at weekends so you can tag team a bit?

My little boy was like this. He is 4.5 and slowly calming down. I have 1 child dad and I aren’t together but great friends and he is way more involved now we are separated

we went private for an autism assessment and used a lawyer to get our son an EHCP. Was accepted on Tuesday thank god.

But yes it’s a battle , it’s hard , some days I have had enough. We have very very nice life but due to his autism and not talking properly he doesn’t take it in ans some days are miserable and I just want to walk out. Obviously I would never

I met this nurse in Westfield and she said her nephew was the same, extremely clever and his dad was VERY FIRM
im not so firm, but setting more boundaries now he was 4
Time out
Coloring - he is obsessive
tines tables
a lot of singing
distraction
reading
running in the park - use a leash
i would try and find a nursery that he settles into
i found school helped my son a lot with discipline and he is turning a corner now he can speak more

Yes as other PP have said- start the EHCP process now!

Sorry me again. You mentioned food. Feed him up with healthy snacks on demand, every hour
i do this with my son now and he is a different child
just small yoghurts, make banana pancakes
make sure he is full.
is he talking??

There are specialist SEN childcare providers; they are just considerably more expensive than others.

You seriously think this kid is going to sit quietly colouring and then tiptoe up to bed!!!

He is far too old for a pushchair put be does need some sort of leash when you are out and about- backpack reins or wrist strap maybe?

If you were at work too and the children were in childcare all day you’d divide and conquer. If he were a single man he’d still have a job and a commute. He needs to start pulling his weight.

This week: DP books 2 days off and has the children. You need a break NOW to reset.

Near future: the younger one go to nursery part time and the older one tries the school nursery.