I wouldnt have had another baby if I knew things would be like this

[FishHighJumping]

I’ve honestly had enough now. I’m not cut out for this, I’m just not.

I’ve got two boys, DS1 has just turned 4 and DS2 is 23 months. DS1 has suspected autism, not diagnosed yet because apparently everything takes about 400 years, but we’ve been told there are definitely developmental concerns. Getting dressed is a battle, leaving the house is a battle, coming back into the house is a battle, food is a battle, bedtime is a battle. There is no normal day here anymore.

He is aggressive aswell. He hits, kicks, throws things, screams, pulls hair, pushes. He regularly pulls his little brothers hair and shoves him over and then I’m the one having to get between them while DS2 is crying and DS1 is screaming because I’ve stopped him. I tell him leave him alone, I say it nicely, I say it not nicely, I move DS2, I move DS1, nothing makes any difference. DS2 has started copying him now aswell. He pushes things and shouts and has started doing this horrible little angry noise that DS1 does. I feel like I’m watching him turn into the same sort of child and I cannot cope with two of them doing it.

They share a room because we only have two bedrooms and bedtime is honestly a joke. DS1 won’t leave DS2 alone. He gets out of bed, goes over to him, pulls his hair or takes his blanket or whatever he can get hold of. Then DS2 starts crying, DS1 gets louder, I go in there, they both get more worked up and suddenly it’s half 10 and nobody is asleep. I dread bedtime. I actually start feeling sick when it gets to about 6 because I know what’s coming.

DS1 was at nursery but he wasn’t coping there at all. He was having problems with the other children and the staff were struggling with his behaviour. He was getting more and more upset and it just wasn’t working so he isn’t going anymore. He’s just here with me all day every day now. No break, no quiet, no chance to think. DP works full time and doesn’t really see what it’s like during the day. He comes home and DS is sometimes sitting eating or watching something and then apparently I’ve made it sound worse than it is. Yes because you’ve been here for twenty minutes and he’s currently eating a biscuit.

Today was awful from the minute we left the house. We went into town because I needed a few bits and thought it might be nice to get out for once. I took the double buggy, but DS1 refused to sit in it. Screaming, getting out, throwing himself backwards every time I tried to put him back in. In the end I let him walk because I couldn’t spend the whole afternoon wrestling a 4 year old into a buggy while DS2 sat there watching.

Then he ran off. He saw something and went and I was trying to get DS2 out of the way of people and by the time I looked up he was gone. I had to leave the bags and run after him. I was furious and terrified at the same time, which is a horrible combination because you’re trying to catch your child while also wanting to scream at them. I can’t take my own children into town for half an hour without it turning into an emergency. What am I supposed to do, stay in the house until they’re teenagers?

Then he wanted food from one of the shops and when I said no he started screaming again. Honestly the only time he seems properly happy is when he’s eating. He can be miserable and shouting for hours and then you give him something and suddenly he’s fine, sitting there like nothing happened while I’m shaking and trying not to cry. I know people will say sensory issues and regulation and all the rest of it, but I’m telling you what it is like to live with. We came home early and the whole afternoon was a complete waste of time.

I cried when we got home. DP asked what was wrong and I said I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want every day to be like this. I don’t want to spend my life dealing with screaming and hitting and trying to stop one child hurting the other. I don’t enjoy taking DS1 anywhere. I don’t enjoy playing with him. I don’t look forward to him waking up. I feel horrible writing that but it’s true. Sometimes I just want him to go away and leave me alone for five minutes, which obviously makes me feel like the worst person alive.

The thing I feel worst about is I wouldn’t have had another baby if I’d known DS1 was going to be like this. I love DS2, obviously I do, but I feel like I’ve brought him into a family where he can’t even have a normal childhood because everything revolves around DS1. He can’t play in his own room without DS1 going over and grabbing him. He can’t sit with a toy without it being taken. I feel like I’ve made a massive mistake having two children when I can barely manage one. I thought it would get easier as DS got older but it hasn’t. If anything it’s got worse and now there’s another child being dragged into it.

DP says I’m being horrible and DS can’t help it, which I KNOW. I’m not stupid. I know he isn’t waking up thinking how can I ruin mums day today but it feels like it and knowing why he does it doesn’t make it less exhausting when you’re the one dealing with it from 7am until bedtime. I’m the one who can’t go to the toilet without something happening. I’m the one who can’t get them both dressed without somebody screaming. I’m the one who has to watch DS2 every second because DS1 might suddenly pull him over. DP gets to go to work and have adults around him and eat his lunch without somebody throwing a cup.

I’ve been looking into autism assessments and support but everything takes forever. You get told to wait, then wait for another appointment, then somebody says they’ll call you and they don’t. People say ask for help but what help exactly? We don’t have family who can just come and take them for the day. I can’t afford private anything. DP says I need to be more patient but I genuinely don’t know where I’m supposed to find more patience from. I’ve used it all. It’s gone.

I feel like a terrible mother saying this but I am done. Today has tipped me over the edge and I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and do the exact same thing again. I feel like I’ve lost myself completely. I’m just the person who stops people hitting each other and cleans up food and says no all day. I don’t even recognise myself anymore. I want one day where nobody is screaming, nobody is pulling anyone’s hair and I can actually enjoy being a mum instead of just surviving it. Is that really too much to ask?

That sounds really tough and your not mean for feeling how you feel.

Can move closer to DP’s work as that might give you more help. If you don’t have family move your home to suit your needs - having more people around.

Can you split one room in half and or you and DP sleep in the lounge so at least everyone has space from each other and gets much needed rest

All the best

Hi OP, sending hugs. My autistic DC needed backpack reins at 4 because he was a flight risk and I couldn't just ditch his younger brother to chase him all the time. There are also wrist-strap style ones. My suggestion would be getting one of these and then going somewhere open and not crowded to practice using it. If he hates it, he can prove to you he can sit in the buggy or hold hands consistently before you take it off.

As pp have said, with bedtime, split them up. I would put the little one to sleep in your bed then one of you carries him back to his bed when they are both asleep. It won't be forever, and I promise you everything else will seem a bit more manageable if you get more of a settled evening.

OMG, What about you? You are at breaking point so he really needs to step up and give you a proper break. Does he understand how low you are feeling? Can he take a weeks annual leave so you can have some time to yourself while he looks after the kids? 💐

Move DS2 in your room.
Start leaving DS1 (and both of them if you think it’s safe for DS2 ) with your partner over weekends. Your partner’s attitude is not helping. I hope it’s not a deliberate ignorance/ stupidity. He needs to parent over weekends to give you a break. And I don’t mean a break from life - you can do shopping, run errands, do housework while they are out but you need to have child free time. He has it at work so your turn is on weekends.

You need to find local parents who are in the same boat. There should be local group for autistic children or for children with additional needs where you live. Even if it’s just a FB group, they will share their experiences and local knowledge. Usually you don’t need diagnosis to join them

You have a patience of a saint , OP. You are doing brilliantly in your circumstances. It’s a huge burden for two equally involved parents but in your case it’s basically only you.

Oh love, I have a DS like DS1. It’s a living nightmare, I won’t lie. (I have not had time to rtwt because he’s once again decided that sleep is for the weak…)

You’ve probably had loads of good advice already but my two pence worth:

get melatonin from a US online retailer like Piping Rocks
DS2 in with you and DP
tell your GP what you’ve written here and ask about right to choose
Read about PDA
Manage your expectations about what help will be available - I’ve been waiting 7 years for respite.
Get DP to take some leave - holiday, parental, doesn’t matter but he needs to get down in the fucking trenches with you (although some ASC kids have a “safe” parent and mask with everyone else, and it’s usually the mum.
Find your local offer in the SEND bit of the LA website and see whether there are suitable nurseries. (Ime these kids don’t cope in “mainstream” childcare so don’t punish yourself trying).

Frankly, you need to make every single professional believe that you will leave DS1 on the steps of the Town Hall to be placed in foster care if they do not help you immediately. (For me, there were days when that was actually true!)

It does get a bit easier. Find support groups online.

I am sorry it’s like this OP - you sound like a great mum.

I can relate. Totally. Our 3rd child, turned 5 this week, is so difficult and on the autism pathway. Right from birth he has been difficult. We don't go out anymore. When we do go out, sometimes he is in his pyjama top because he can't bear to change into a tshirt or jumper. He has had the same Christmas pj top on since Tuesday, so all the birthday celebration pictures from this week will feature this grubby top he has had on night and day for about 3/4 days/nights straight! He can't attend school as he struggles with that. I've got a mountain of admin to do surrounding EHCPs, Tribunal with the LA and Sen school placements. I can't work as he can't go into childcare anywhere. I've given up my hobbies as there is no time. There is very little time for me, DP also works full time but does what he can. I'm in therapy. We have 2 older children and we have missed out on doing so much with them because the youngest takes up all our time. Bedtime, bathtime, leaving the house, schooling, cleaning teeth, getting in the car....every little thing is exhausting. He doesn't sleep well either. In 5 years we have had about 40 full nights sleep.
I regret having our 3rd if I'm honest. Our families just don't grasp how difficult it is, and it hurts that no one offers to help. I totally get where you are coming from. My partner was more keen on a 3rd child, truthfully I had reservations (we are now into our 40s and I feel too old!) So my regret bites even harder. Why didn't I listen to myself!! I do love my son, he can be sweet, but I have no life and I don't envisage it getting any easier.

Your husband needs to change job to one nearer home OR you need to move closer to his work AND he needs to parent his children after work and at the weekends. Better still - you both need to work part time around the kids so that the burden isn't just yours.

Can ds2 sleep in your room so there's no bedtime conflict?

Fuck your DP. Seriously. Fuck him.

First things first: he takes next week off. All of it. EMergency family leave, whatever. And you go stay somewhere else for the week. He has to do it alone, all of it. No calling in for support/help/back up/calling in food orders/ordering stuff in. None of that. He has to spend the week like you do: He wakes up with them, he deals with them during the day, he takes them the shops when he needs things, he sorts food and the house while dealing with them, and he does bedtime. All of it. And THEN you will sit down together and talk about moving forward and how you're BOTH going to make this work.

I have no experience of ND but have two with a similar age difference. My DH works away and I remember crying in the bathroom. It’s also easy for all of us to tell you what perhaps worked for us but everyone is different.
It is hard, I think as others have said, divide and conquer. Bedtime - one in with you, one in with DP. It just happens, no discussion that is just how it is. I still firmly do not care where anyone sleeps as long as we do actually sleep. Daytime - Playgroup for youngest in the mornings, even if just two/three sessions a week. School nursery for eldest. I tried to get mine in at the same time (mornings) but for you it might be better for one to do mornings and one to do afternoons. Remember - It doesn’t last forever, you are well and truly in the trenches.

Ivdbeen whereyouare. Suicidal, alone in another country, two under two.
I gotbthrough it,my advice, get the eldest in full timenursery. Get anti depressants, they numb the feelings of self harm.
Get ananny or home help as many hours as you can afford.

My 2arenow 15 and 17, but fucking hell... it was hard.
If the other adult is useless, get paid help.

I didn’t want to read and run as I have felt the same not wanting the next day to start cause it will be the same stuff to deal with again and again.

where are you based op maybe people could suggest some local playgroups, charities or support groups that could be helpful?

we have a charity near us that you can self refer to and they offer lots of different things one was having someone come to the house once a week to chat try and find techniques and things that worked and to see what could be going on maybe you have something similar?

if your husband is out of the house all day everyday he will never understand properly.

it is so so hard and you are doing a fantastic job.

Your DP’s job doesn’t work with your lives. You either need to live closer to his work, or he needs to start looking for work that allows him to be more present at home. The way things are isn’t sustainable, and while it’s obviously not easy, he needs to change things so that he can actually contribute as a parent.

Whether he changes his work situation or not, he needs to sleep in DS1’s room, and like pp have said, DS2 needs to sleep in with you – he does DS1’s bedtime for the foreseeable future, and you deal with DS2. Perhaps in doing that, he’ll start to understand what you have to cope with constantly.

Keep pursuing diagnosis, and apply for all the help and support available. As others have said, get DS1 into some sort of nursery several days or mornings a week, so that DS2 can get a break from his violent brother without being sent away himself.

I have a four year old girl with autism pre verbal. I would move your younger son into your room. My two year old is in with me still due to her sisters outburst. Nursery attached to the school was a life saver for me and she's now attending reception In the same schools sen unit. If they can't be safe together and my girls can't then one of them has go toilet with you. But honestly just that little break when she went nursery stopped me having a break down and you can then do things with younger ds.

Can you get part time work and your partner go part time, so your childcare is shared more between you?

OP you're doing an amazing job. Life with small kids is hard, let alone with ND kids. We've been in a similar situation to you, but weren't as switched on to it as you sound, so you are doing a great job of understanding your sons and trying to meet their needs. There's lots of excellent advice up thread which I hope you can take onboard. I'd add that parenting an ND kid does look different, and things which seem so easy for others, like going to town, can often be incredibly hard. Don't beat yourself up about that, there's no 'should be able to' in our situation. Try and cut your cloth to where you're at, be less ambitious with plans if it keeps you all sane (we didn't do supermarket with my son for c. 8 years unless absolutely unavoidable), and don't be afraid to parent differently, which may mean letting some things go which you would never have dreamed of a few years ago. Is this a hill I want to die on was a useful phrase to us... Standard discipline and reward measures were also like a red rag to a bull so we needed different incentives and consequences. You don't need to wait for diagnosis to start using autism informed approaches. I'd definitely second advice up thread about looking at school settings early to try and find a school which will support him and you. Also, a local SEND group and meet ing parents in a similar situation was a God send and made things feel so much less lonely. Sending you strength OP xxx

You and your DP meed to split the load as much as possible so you aren't burning out. Two neurotypical children under 5 is hard let alone additional needs.

Short term, could you put the youngest in your room with you in his own bed? Not ideal (I say this as someone still having to take turns in our son's room with my husband as he wakes so much aged 3) to give him some peace at night?

I’m so sorry to read this OP - this is exactly how I felt.
I went on a parenting course run by the local council and that really helped. They talked a lot about boundaries and speaking strictly with the eldest. I also did some reading around autism and PDA and that helped me with strategies for getting the eldest to do things.

I also got my eldest into nursery a couple of days a week so I could get some respite. Is your DP supportive, and do you have a mum or mil who can help?

It does get better I promise. I went back to work 4 days a week and that helped to keep me sane.,

Tomorrow is Sunday. Get out of the house. Don’t come back till late like 11pm. Give yourself a full day all on your own. Just read the papers on a hotel lobby. Go for a walk. It’s not fair this is all on you . I used to make my husband take my two kids for the day when I felt overwhelmed. He’s take them off for the day and not come back till late. It was a godsend . You need much much more support

I want to cry for you. It sounds horrible and absolutely exhausting. Can you possibly get a child minder in for a few hours a day so you can get a break. Oh, and tell your partner to stuff it.

You and i live a vert similar life. 2 kids close in age, 4 year old is diagnosed with Autism, the younger is awaiting an assessment.

I feel about mine, how you have described feeling about yours.

After trick or treating tonight I came home and thought, i really need to be kinder to these boys(i am nice but exhausted and maybe not as patient as i could be)
, then the youngest soent 2 hours assaulting me and his older brother.

Can you afford one private consultation with a paediatrician? Usually £250 or so.
If so, this is how you can get your boy assessed.

You go to a private paediatrician, you want them to confirm that your son would benefit from an assessment...
Just explain what the struggles are.
Then you take their observation report to your GP, and ask them to refer you to paloma health for an autism assessment.

They'll write to the nursery for evidence,
They'll make his appointment. In some areas this wait is as little as 8 weeks.

In the meantime, what do your local area offer in terms of support?

Other things that may be useful- see if you can change the harness on your boys pram so he cant escape it... I can help you find extra straps, or replacement straps for the pram- its been a blimming nightmare keeping them safe.

If hes struggling to remain in a car seat safely- i can reccommend a harness.

Can you keep one child with you in the living room or your room until the other is asleep? Do you think youd benefit from things like bed guards and motion detectors to help you wake if one wakes so you can remove the other? Thats what i have to do- mine bite each other. Its exhausting.

However it may also be worth considering applying for DLA, and seeing if the local authority may step in where the bedrooms are such an issue.

Heavy on the DLA because some of the things you may need are expensive.
For example- the harness for the car cost £799.
My sons both need a pram still (youll understand) but both need SEND Prams. One company told me it may cost 4k for a double, which was just 2 single SEND prams clipped together!
I also have a private paediatrician who is trying to offer some support which really feels like it might be helpful but im not seeing drastic changes yet.

Plus paying for a carer to help you with outings because it really doesnt do you or them any good having outings like the ine you described. You start to panic at the thought of even leaving the house.

I javent got it all figured out, but im happy to help if I ever can.

It sounds like you’re at the end of your tether which is not good for anyone. I’m sad for you that DP doesn’t understand the pressure you’re under and doesn’t seem concerned even when you tell him how bad things are. Is it possible for you to have to be away from the house for a couple of days (week) and DP has to step up and spend time so he can see what it’s truly like for you? Sods law that will be the week both DS decide to be absolute angels. Perhaps when DP sees what you’re up against you might get a bit more support. Not much I can suggest practically but I hope you get some answers or respite soon enough. X

THIS 👏🏽 RIGHT 👏🏽 HERE! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
only way you will ever get him to truly understand your struggle every day is to let him experience it for himself!

Do not burn yourself out ,things WILL get better
one day at a time
All us SEND parents are with you

This is really good advice, I just wanted to repeat it. I could have written your post when my girls were younger, I really feel for you.

I’m so sorry OP. You’re doing your best in a very very difficult situation. There’s some good advice in this thread, I really hope you can get some support and respite. No one could do this alone and not be completely worn down by it. I hope things get better for you and in the meantime please go as easy on yourself as you can.