I wouldnt have had another baby if I knew things would be like this

[FishHighJumping]

I’ve honestly had enough now. I’m not cut out for this, I’m just not.

I’ve got two boys, DS1 has just turned 4 and DS2 is 23 months. DS1 has suspected autism, not diagnosed yet because apparently everything takes about 400 years, but we’ve been told there are definitely developmental concerns. Getting dressed is a battle, leaving the house is a battle, coming back into the house is a battle, food is a battle, bedtime is a battle. There is no normal day here anymore.

He is aggressive aswell. He hits, kicks, throws things, screams, pulls hair, pushes. He regularly pulls his little brothers hair and shoves him over and then I’m the one having to get between them while DS2 is crying and DS1 is screaming because I’ve stopped him. I tell him leave him alone, I say it nicely, I say it not nicely, I move DS2, I move DS1, nothing makes any difference. DS2 has started copying him now aswell. He pushes things and shouts and has started doing this horrible little angry noise that DS1 does. I feel like I’m watching him turn into the same sort of child and I cannot cope with two of them doing it.

They share a room because we only have two bedrooms and bedtime is honestly a joke. DS1 won’t leave DS2 alone. He gets out of bed, goes over to him, pulls his hair or takes his blanket or whatever he can get hold of. Then DS2 starts crying, DS1 gets louder, I go in there, they both get more worked up and suddenly it’s half 10 and nobody is asleep. I dread bedtime. I actually start feeling sick when it gets to about 6 because I know what’s coming.

DS1 was at nursery but he wasn’t coping there at all. He was having problems with the other children and the staff were struggling with his behaviour. He was getting more and more upset and it just wasn’t working so he isn’t going anymore. He’s just here with me all day every day now. No break, no quiet, no chance to think. DP works full time and doesn’t really see what it’s like during the day. He comes home and DS is sometimes sitting eating or watching something and then apparently I’ve made it sound worse than it is. Yes because you’ve been here for twenty minutes and he’s currently eating a biscuit.

Today was awful from the minute we left the house. We went into town because I needed a few bits and thought it might be nice to get out for once. I took the double buggy, but DS1 refused to sit in it. Screaming, getting out, throwing himself backwards every time I tried to put him back in. In the end I let him walk because I couldn’t spend the whole afternoon wrestling a 4 year old into a buggy while DS2 sat there watching.

Then he ran off. He saw something and went and I was trying to get DS2 out of the way of people and by the time I looked up he was gone. I had to leave the bags and run after him. I was furious and terrified at the same time, which is a horrible combination because you’re trying to catch your child while also wanting to scream at them. I can’t take my own children into town for half an hour without it turning into an emergency. What am I supposed to do, stay in the house until they’re teenagers?

Then he wanted food from one of the shops and when I said no he started screaming again. Honestly the only time he seems properly happy is when he’s eating. He can be miserable and shouting for hours and then you give him something and suddenly he’s fine, sitting there like nothing happened while I’m shaking and trying not to cry. I know people will say sensory issues and regulation and all the rest of it, but I’m telling you what it is like to live with. We came home early and the whole afternoon was a complete waste of time.

I cried when we got home. DP asked what was wrong and I said I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want every day to be like this. I don’t want to spend my life dealing with screaming and hitting and trying to stop one child hurting the other. I don’t enjoy taking DS1 anywhere. I don’t enjoy playing with him. I don’t look forward to him waking up. I feel horrible writing that but it’s true. Sometimes I just want him to go away and leave me alone for five minutes, which obviously makes me feel like the worst person alive.

The thing I feel worst about is I wouldn’t have had another baby if I’d known DS1 was going to be like this. I love DS2, obviously I do, but I feel like I’ve brought him into a family where he can’t even have a normal childhood because everything revolves around DS1. He can’t play in his own room without DS1 going over and grabbing him. He can’t sit with a toy without it being taken. I feel like I’ve made a massive mistake having two children when I can barely manage one. I thought it would get easier as DS got older but it hasn’t. If anything it’s got worse and now there’s another child being dragged into it.

DP says I’m being horrible and DS can’t help it, which I KNOW. I’m not stupid. I know he isn’t waking up thinking how can I ruin mums day today but it feels like it and knowing why he does it doesn’t make it less exhausting when you’re the one dealing with it from 7am until bedtime. I’m the one who can’t go to the toilet without something happening. I’m the one who can’t get them both dressed without somebody screaming. I’m the one who has to watch DS2 every second because DS1 might suddenly pull him over. DP gets to go to work and have adults around him and eat his lunch without somebody throwing a cup.

I’ve been looking into autism assessments and support but everything takes forever. You get told to wait, then wait for another appointment, then somebody says they’ll call you and they don’t. People say ask for help but what help exactly? We don’t have family who can just come and take them for the day. I can’t afford private anything. DP says I need to be more patient but I genuinely don’t know where I’m supposed to find more patience from. I’ve used it all. It’s gone.

I feel like a terrible mother saying this but I am done. Today has tipped me over the edge and I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and do the exact same thing again. I feel like I’ve lost myself completely. I’m just the person who stops people hitting each other and cleans up food and says no all day. I don’t even recognise myself anymore. I want one day where nobody is screaming, nobody is pulling anyone’s hair and I can actually enjoy being a mum instead of just surviving it. Is that really too much to ask?

What's dp doing to help at the weekends and evenings? Are they not the same for him?

Can he start in a school nursery? If he’s struggling he will then be in the system for help and support. You need a break, I’m sorry it sounds tough. Your partner needs to do more - having a job is easy compared to what you’re doing. My husband knows my ‘Job’ is
much harder than his.

“DP asked what was wrong”

sorry if I missed it, but was he with you when you went out? Would it have been better if he took them out alone and you had some time to yourself? Could you do that tomorrow? I know it cuts into your time with him but you do need a break.

Also, when did DS1 start behaving like this?

Please pursue an assessment, we asked for right to choose for DS and it took around a year in total, but that was because our gp submitted the wrong forms and no one told us for 5 months. I know it might feel like just something else you need to do but maybe his father can take the lead with the assessment process paperwork etc

Yes I also wonder what your DP does at the weekends and evenings? You have to divide and conquer when there’s two and particularly when one has additional needs. Could you have left DS1 with DP whilst you went into town with DS2, or he could have come with you so you could each deal with a child? The same for tomorrow, or even better, he deals with them both all day?

Do you have anyone that can give you a break . Your DH for one. I totally understand what it’s like to be in that position. My DGD was the same. I gave my DD respite during school holidays.

Sounds awful. I'm sorry.
Have you told GP you aren't coping? Asked for a SS carer's assessment? Asked for respite? Could he go to a different school/nursery to give you respite amd to het an EHCP in place?

I get it, it's relentless some days and all you want to do is run away.

Is your son on the waiting list for autism assessment? Where I am the under 5 waiting list is a lot shorter, so would be worth getting him on it asap. Has your son had any input from Speech and Language?
Do you have homestart? They might be able to provide some sort of support, not sure what their remit is but my friend had a homestart support worker who visited twice monthly.

Didn't want to read and run. I'm sorry things are hard. I've no advice but recognise some of this with autistic DC of my own. You and your DH need to lean into the services available and ask for help -don't wait for an assessment to start signalling that you're struggling. There is help available but the onus always seems to be on parents to find it.

You need to leave DH to it tomorrow. Just leave the house at 8am..make them breakfast so you know they've had a meal that day and just leave. Let him see what it's like and take.a break for yourself.

No one could cope with a 4 year old and 2 year old alone, all day, every day, let alone one who has autism. There's nothing wrong with you, if anything you have been too resilient so your DH has learnt nothing.

DP works long hours and has a really long commute aswell, its about an hour and a half to 2 hours each way depending on traffic. He leaves really early in the morning and doesn’t get home until late so during the week its pretty much all me. By the time he gets in the boys are either having tea or getting ready for bed and he’s knackered himself.

I’d bring the little one back to sleep in your room if possible . It doesn’t sound safe to leave them together and that should ease up the bedtime stress.

You need a break. Get your partner to have them on a weekend day each week so you get some breathing space and he gets the full picture of what it’s like.

Bedtime - divide and conquer, one will have to sleep in your room. Each of you sits with one until they are asleep to prevent DS1 getting to DS2. Hopefully more downtime for you and more sleep for them will help.

Their Dad needs to pull his weight.

Long hours and a long commute but he still has two young kids and they have two parents. He doesn’t get to step out and leave it all to you.

OP this sounds so so hard. I’m sorry you are living like this, it sounds awful.

I had an older child who hit/ pushed / kicked the younger one, though it was only for a year (aged 2 and a half to 3 and a half) so won’t pretend it’s the same at all as what you are going though but I do empathise.

Some practical points which might help, though feel free to ignore if they don’t!

I found it easier to think about how to protect my younger one then how to control the older one’s behaviour. I would take her to the bathroom with me. I would sit between her and him when playing. I would never leave her in the room by herself with him. Yes it was exhausting but it did work and so made my life easier as then I wasn’t dealing with screaming and tears!

I had to move the little one into the bedroom with me. Bedtime is always tricky as everyone is so tired so it removed one flash point from the day!

Coupd you try a school nursery? It doesn’t have to be full days, my son just did 3 morning a week but it gave me time to breath and focus a bit on the little one.

At the weekend, take a morning/ afternoon to do something for yourself. Exercise, see a friend, just sit with a coffee - doesn’t matter what but you need time to recharge and your partner needs to look after the children for a few hours and give you a break! You can’t pour from an empty cup and you sound so burnt out.

Id look to get him into a special nursery school or one that has an send provision. Speak to your GP and or health visitor to help get a referral to get the assessment process sped up. Your younger son will soon be eligible for a few hours in nursery so id look to put him in also and have a few hours/days to yourself to just decompress and also have one to one with younger son. It may help if you ur partner isn't seeing the full picture to record some of the behaviour when its happening. Like a home blink camera or something so he can actually see how it starts and escalates. You shouldn't have to go through it all alone and you are doing a great job because you are actively trying!

Check for local support groups and see if your local councils children's centre have any send sessions available to take him to so you can connect with other parents and get some support

please refer yourself to homestart.

Another adult will come and help you and your family once a week.
Looking forward to an extra pair of hands will help you all

Get him back in childcare ASAP. It'll help you all. Find one attached to a school as they'll be better versed in EHCPs and the whole SEND system.

Research autism parenting strategies.

Reins for him whenever you're out.

Let DP take time off work and look after them for a week and you go out or better yet stay with a friend! Let him see how easy it is to be “ patient”! He needs to be stepping up to help! Have you spoken to your health visitor and asked for any support? Early Help might be an option.
Get DP to look after the 4 year old while you settle the younger in your room then settle the 4 year old and when he is asleep transfer the younger one back to his bed, thus preventing the night time hair pulling etc!
investigate if there are any nurseries locally that specialise in SEN and see if you can get DS1 in there a couple of days a week for respite and to allow some time for DS2 and chores. Reach out to local SEN support groups and see if there are any local SEN meet ups and toddler groups so you arent alone

Your DP has a lot to say for someone whom doesn't seem to help. If you had errands to do today I don't understand why you had both children with you and DP was at home! He either should have come with you or kept at least one, if not both children at home. He needs to get involved so you get some help and a rest.

I work long hours, my commute is about 2 hours door to door. I come home, dump my bag in the hall, and then I'm straight into bath, bed, reading, homework, housework etc.

I agree you need to separate the sleeping as it doesn't sound safe for your youngest.

I have absolutely no bloody useful advice for you whatsoever, but I have been through some awful times with my own dc and am not sure how i navigated it?
So big hugs to you fwiw x

I have been in your situation with OH working very long hours and I had to do most of it myself with no family help. It's really hard. I was lucky in that my child was diagnosed early but then we moved to an area with no support and the school just didn't have a clue . I really feel for you. I don't think nursery is a good idea for an autistic child unless they are very clued up. You need strategies , support and guidance. Thing have changed a lot since my child was young but you have to keep pushing and demanding help. It's exhausting but there is no other option. Keeping things quiet, gentle, predictable and routine are important. Be consistent with boundaries .its so so hard. I hope you find some helpful advice on this thread.

Most importantly, I would look at some more nurseries. Look at council or charity run preschools or nurseries attached to a school. Also look for nurseries with older staff. I’m from this background and you really need experienced staff that will work with you. They will give you support and be consistent with your son.

Do you have a garden? If so get him outside, ideally with DP or whoever doing something with DS2. And swap. Fredh air, running, bouncing, etc. It will help, especially if you can build it into a routine and do it the same time every day.

Routine - Teach him the days of the week and stick to certain things that happen on those days - on Thursday we go to the park (even in the rain). No we can’t go today because it’s Tuesday. We go on Thursdays. So he’s not asking. Same with treats - we can’t have sweets from the shop, we do that on Fridays. It will be painful and hard for a few weeks but worth the effort.

Put DS2 to bed on your room, if possible put an audio story for DS1 on while you settle DS2. Keep them apart.

The hair pulling and hurting needs firmness if it happens. Pick up DS2 and ignore DS1 until DS2 is ok. Then stern words with DS1. Time out or a consequence that fits.

Keep on at your GP and HV and CAHMS etc. Let them know who you are. Consider a private consultation.

You need a break from the kids, your dp is minimising the reality of your situation, one way to remedy that is to give him the full on experience. Tomorrow tell him you need a break and head out the door for a few hours, go meet a friend, wonder around the shops, go for a coffee, see a movie. Ask Nursery your ds1 was in for alternatives more suited to his needs, contact your local authority and MP if you can’t find a nursery place. All the best.