I wouldnt have had another baby if I knew things would be like this

[FishHighJumping]

I’ve honestly had enough now. I’m not cut out for this, I’m just not.

I’ve got two boys, DS1 has just turned 4 and DS2 is 23 months. DS1 has suspected autism, not diagnosed yet because apparently everything takes about 400 years, but we’ve been told there are definitely developmental concerns. Getting dressed is a battle, leaving the house is a battle, coming back into the house is a battle, food is a battle, bedtime is a battle. There is no normal day here anymore.

He is aggressive aswell. He hits, kicks, throws things, screams, pulls hair, pushes. He regularly pulls his little brothers hair and shoves him over and then I’m the one having to get between them while DS2 is crying and DS1 is screaming because I’ve stopped him. I tell him leave him alone, I say it nicely, I say it not nicely, I move DS2, I move DS1, nothing makes any difference. DS2 has started copying him now aswell. He pushes things and shouts and has started doing this horrible little angry noise that DS1 does. I feel like I’m watching him turn into the same sort of child and I cannot cope with two of them doing it.

They share a room because we only have two bedrooms and bedtime is honestly a joke. DS1 won’t leave DS2 alone. He gets out of bed, goes over to him, pulls his hair or takes his blanket or whatever he can get hold of. Then DS2 starts crying, DS1 gets louder, I go in there, they both get more worked up and suddenly it’s half 10 and nobody is asleep. I dread bedtime. I actually start feeling sick when it gets to about 6 because I know what’s coming.

DS1 was at nursery but he wasn’t coping there at all. He was having problems with the other children and the staff were struggling with his behaviour. He was getting more and more upset and it just wasn’t working so he isn’t going anymore. He’s just here with me all day every day now. No break, no quiet, no chance to think. DP works full time and doesn’t really see what it’s like during the day. He comes home and DS is sometimes sitting eating or watching something and then apparently I’ve made it sound worse than it is. Yes because you’ve been here for twenty minutes and he’s currently eating a biscuit.

Today was awful from the minute we left the house. We went into town because I needed a few bits and thought it might be nice to get out for once. I took the double buggy, but DS1 refused to sit in it. Screaming, getting out, throwing himself backwards every time I tried to put him back in. In the end I let him walk because I couldn’t spend the whole afternoon wrestling a 4 year old into a buggy while DS2 sat there watching.

Then he ran off. He saw something and went and I was trying to get DS2 out of the way of people and by the time I looked up he was gone. I had to leave the bags and run after him. I was furious and terrified at the same time, which is a horrible combination because you’re trying to catch your child while also wanting to scream at them. I can’t take my own children into town for half an hour without it turning into an emergency. What am I supposed to do, stay in the house until they’re teenagers?

Then he wanted food from one of the shops and when I said no he started screaming again. Honestly the only time he seems properly happy is when he’s eating. He can be miserable and shouting for hours and then you give him something and suddenly he’s fine, sitting there like nothing happened while I’m shaking and trying not to cry. I know people will say sensory issues and regulation and all the rest of it, but I’m telling you what it is like to live with. We came home early and the whole afternoon was a complete waste of time.

I cried when we got home. DP asked what was wrong and I said I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want every day to be like this. I don’t want to spend my life dealing with screaming and hitting and trying to stop one child hurting the other. I don’t enjoy taking DS1 anywhere. I don’t enjoy playing with him. I don’t look forward to him waking up. I feel horrible writing that but it’s true. Sometimes I just want him to go away and leave me alone for five minutes, which obviously makes me feel like the worst person alive.

The thing I feel worst about is I wouldn’t have had another baby if I’d known DS1 was going to be like this. I love DS2, obviously I do, but I feel like I’ve brought him into a family where he can’t even have a normal childhood because everything revolves around DS1. He can’t play in his own room without DS1 going over and grabbing him. He can’t sit with a toy without it being taken. I feel like I’ve made a massive mistake having two children when I can barely manage one. I thought it would get easier as DS got older but it hasn’t. If anything it’s got worse and now there’s another child being dragged into it.

DP says I’m being horrible and DS can’t help it, which I KNOW. I’m not stupid. I know he isn’t waking up thinking how can I ruin mums day today but it feels like it and knowing why he does it doesn’t make it less exhausting when you’re the one dealing with it from 7am until bedtime. I’m the one who can’t go to the toilet without something happening. I’m the one who can’t get them both dressed without somebody screaming. I’m the one who has to watch DS2 every second because DS1 might suddenly pull him over. DP gets to go to work and have adults around him and eat his lunch without somebody throwing a cup.

I’ve been looking into autism assessments and support but everything takes forever. You get told to wait, then wait for another appointment, then somebody says they’ll call you and they don’t. People say ask for help but what help exactly? We don’t have family who can just come and take them for the day. I can’t afford private anything. DP says I need to be more patient but I genuinely don’t know where I’m supposed to find more patience from. I’ve used it all. It’s gone.

I feel like a terrible mother saying this but I am done. Today has tipped me over the edge and I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and do the exact same thing again. I feel like I’ve lost myself completely. I’m just the person who stops people hitting each other and cleans up food and says no all day. I don’t even recognise myself anymore. I want one day where nobody is screaming, nobody is pulling anyone’s hair and I can actually enjoy being a mum instead of just surviving it. Is that really too much to ask?

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.

It's completely normal to want a break from your children, especially when they are ND. It's a very heavy burden to carry on just one set of shoulders.

Just because you are their mother, doesn't mean you have to want to spend every single second of the day with them. You have needs too. It sounds like you really need a regular break, where you can clear your head and put things down for a few hours.

I agree getting him back into nursery of some sort would be really helpful. I agree state nursery attached to a school would help as they can flag the behavioural issues early on, you'd hope.

I really hope it gets easier for you.

You need to separate them at night. Even if it's inconvenient it won't be worse than having them in the same room. I say that as someone who used to sleep on a mattress in a cupboard so that each child could have their own room.

Also, lower your expectations.

Seeing as he thinks you are exaggerating, I'm sure DH will have no problem taking them out for the day tomorrow to give you a much needed, and deserved break...

Yeah good luck with that ..sorry but the help your suggesting just does not exist .

This is why mainly men like being in the office and hate wfh.

Your poor DS2, I can't imagine how damaging this all is for him.

I’m reading back and you have had so much excellent advice.

for me the thing that stand out is sleep. You need to split them immediately. It doesn’t have to be forever, but for now. Get one in with you, and DH the other. Until you can all get some sleep and regroup, progress the assessment.

OP, just some suggestions-

1. Bedtime - have DP take the younger one while you snuggle with DS1 in his room until he falls asleep. Read him a story, spend time with him. It's a chance to re-connect and make bedtime a positive thing. Then take DS2 into your room once DS1 is asleep, and do the same with him. Only start them sleeping together once they are both settled individually.

2. if you're stuck at home all day every day, it sounds like a boring stressful nightmare and you all must seem lost, even the kids.
   Work on rewarding good behaviour with attention and energy, and reacting with disinterest and calm boundaries to bad behaviour.

3. Divide and conquer at the weekends - each adult take one kid and do something fun with each of them outside the home.

4. Cut out sugar, sweet drinks, high energy junk food

5. Take them outside a lot and I mean to safe places where they can run around.

6. Continue to push for the autism assessment.

You've got this, you just need to take back control and create manageable nice experiences with each child individually as best you can.

I'm so sorry OP

On your partner’s next day off, get up, go out, and leave him to it.

I feel for you. Your eldest sounds a lot like my youngest. He has autism and I spent most of his life on eggshells until the last few years (he’s 18 now).

This sounds so so so hard. Take some practical steps:

• Find another childcare setting for ds1 and/or ds2 so you do not have both on your hands constantly.
• sort out your housing so you have another bedroom ( - this is unsustainable given the circumstances) or find a way to put your oldest to sleep in bed alone in the room and move your second into bed later. Even if you have a bizarre bedtime routine, something has to give here.
• get more help - Saturday mornings get your eldest into a club or relatives or DH - you need some downtime.

things will be worse for all the family if you have a Breakdown so have a serious meeting with your DH and lay out a plan of action.

These years will pass, best of luck to you xoxo

He probably doesn’t want alternatives. It likely suits him better to absent himself from all the shit but still feel able to lecture OP on what she’s doing wrong

I think also go and see your GP for yourself. Even a trip to the pharmacy and tell the pharmacist that you are stressed and seriously burnt out - they can often be helpful in giving advice and contacts, not to mention offering you some treatment that might help get you through the worst. At the very very least it makes you feel like you’ve done something for yourself. Xoxo

You really really need to break. If you go on your local council website and search for local offer you should find details of support groups, carers assessments, short breaks etc. you should also try and get a GP appointment as you sound at breaking point.

HomeStart might also be a good thing to look up as they can help support families in need.

I’m a parent of 2 boys who were only 17 months apart. My oldest has Down syndrome. I can empathise completely. I remember taking them to the park and DS1 would suddenly do a runner and I’d have to abandon DS2 while I tried to catch DS1. It was incredibly stressful especially around the ages that your boys currently are.

i found a local support group, had some counselling via the local carers centre, and got some medication from the GP.

your husband needs to step up and help more and you need some space.

Could ds2 go in with you for the time being so bedtime is easier?

OP you’re actually a bloody superwoman. I’m a wreck and my problems are absolutely minuscule compared to yours!

I’ve only got one neurotypical DD, and though she’s a live wire, very demanding and has a lot of toddler tantrums, it’s nothing like what you’re handling. I’ve been ill for 2 weeks and I just have nothing left to give and am exhausted. I feel like I’m just a person who says no to crisps for breakfast and gets screamed at. And I’ve got a very hands on DP too to share the load with. I can’t imagine how drained you must be.

Can you film some of your day for your DP, so he gets to see what you have to contend with? Just set your phone on the side to record during a meal time or in their room, and build up a bank of clips over a week, then show him?

You haven’t said if he looks after the boys alone but I’m sure a weekend solo would help focus his mind - can you arrange that?

Hi OP

ask for melatonin when you eventually see a paediatrician. It will change your life. You get your evenings back and the days are better too because your son has had more sleep and is therefore able to be more regulated.

My daughter got melatonin age 5.5 and she went from a child who was up in evenings for hours, climbing furniture etc to fallen asleep within 20 minutes. She used to have big storming meltdowns but rarely has those now age 7. Honestly life changing- fix the sleep!

She has an autism diagnosis btw.

This is a fantastic post.

A friend of mine who has adopted siblings with similar issues has found the following works for them:

Relentless routines. Every day follow the same structure, whether it's a weekday or weekend. The activity parts of day can be different activities, but the kids know they will be out of the house by 8, doing something outdoors in the morning, then home for lunch then nap (for adults and dc!), indoor activity in the afternoon etc. They have a visual timetable on a whiteboard they update every day.

Divide and rule: the older child's behaviour was impacting the younger one. Both parents took parental leave and kept the dc separate as much as possible when the older child was at her most disregulated. They made sure they both spent equal time with each dc so they were building good bonds with both parents. Now things are calmer the dc are able to spend more time together. The older dc also goes for regular overnights with a respite childminder.

Nature: they go to a nearby forest (read clump of trees) every day, come rain or shine. The kids are in their puddle suits in the trees then curled up in a hammock or tent for stories.They are a little older than your dc, so you might need reins for this, but I am a firm believer that being in nature helps everyone to regulate.

Their challenges are different to your dc (trauma rather than asd) but your post rang bells with me as you sounded so like my friend one year ago who thought she couldn't go on another day. Now she is a different person and enjoying motherhood.

Sending you a hug

Oh lovely, take a deep breath and let yourself have a good cry/ shout about it all. DP can watch the kids for an hour whilst you do that and have a walk or a bath or shower what ever just for a break.

Sadly the world of SEN support on the whole seems a bit rubbish ( that's my personal experience so happy for others to correct me).

You will have to fight for every bit of outside support you can get.

Before you DS left nursery were they doing anything to help? Had they for example identified needs and how to help? Was he on a my plan or had they started an EHCP application? If not and they just asked you to leave then they have let you down.

I would start with your health visitor
Explain the situation and ask for specific help identifying settings/ nurseries that can support your DS.
Also ask health visitor if there is any routes for EHCP applications that you can start whilst looking for a setting. It sounds like your DS will need support for school and getting a good planning place before he starts (if you can could be helpful.)

Have a look on social media for local parent/ carer support groups for ASD parents I found a couple for my area they can often give advice from personal experience or just make you feel less lonely.

Has any one mentioned Early Help? Again it might be a dead end but they may have access to support or be able to help chase paper work etc...

Your DH needs to step up at weekends he needs to give you even a little bit of breathing space or at least creat a situation where you have one child each (alternate who is with who) in the hops you can build some quality time with each child.

Pretty confident you will have done all this but as well as getting on the list for ASD referral has anyone suggested speech and language?

Can you identify just one thing your DS enjoys? Try and connect with them via that it doesn't have to be big or last a long time but if you can fit Nd just one thing it will hopefully help you build the positive moments / memories that will get you through the tough ones.

I also want to say @FishHighJumping if he is crying about going in the pushchair - it doesn’t matter; you strap him in. He can scream all he wants. It really doesn’t matter and just ignore it. He’s at an age where he can get lost and hurt etc and honestly crying won’t kill him, but being hit by a car might. He can cry the whole day if he wants; but he sits in the buggy strapped in. He hasn’t learnt to hold on to the buggy or listen most of the time, so he stays strapped in when you say. Do not give in to him screaming and crying anymore. Once you give in, he knows you will give in next time.

Having an autism diagnosis will give you a piece of paper; I’m not sure what you think it would actually change day to day for you & him. He needs to live each day and learn, grow etc - autism or not. And he can very likely still learn rules and behavior whatever that outcome is so you have nothing to lose by trying to impose some basic rules and teaching which is the desired behavior from them and which is not.

In your shoes I would buy some smarties and tomorrow I would repeat the trip into town. When they get in the buggy and clipped in, they get a smartie. If they sit nicely for a few mins, they get a smartie. Screaming means no smartie. Being calm, sitting nicely, hands to themselves- all get rewards and praise.
Keep doing this over and over again. They will be capable of calm good behavior 🫶

get two awesome sticker charts and go hard on praise and sticker rewards at home- even for things like walking calmly, playing nicely, sitting for even a minute, going to the potty etc etc - anything good they get a sticker and loads of praise. If they do something bad, you remove a sticker so you could start with a few shiny ones on the chart as ammo. I’d start tomorrow and I’d begin by sitting them down with a biscuit and saying ‘this is what’s happening from now on- here is a sticker chart for each of you, I need you both to be good boys and we are going to be the best friends all together’- they may not understand the whole thing but they’ll understand something is different and there is something to work for. xox

That sounds horrendous and relentless and it would drive anyone to the end of their tether and the fact that it’s something you can’t take a break from compounds that. You’re at the bottom of your cup with no reserves to pull from. It happens. You’re not being impatient or mean you’re a human who can only take so much and especially without being heard and seen.

I think your DP is a thick idiot as well for not being able to see that parenting a disabled child can be incredibly emotionally hard. Tell him to look after them both for an entire weekend and go to your parents or something. Take a break. Long commutes in the quiet with the radio or a book… oh no. He will survive.

That sounds awful.

The first thing I would say is things will probably improve with time so it's worth hanging in there. Small children are very hard, bigger children tend to be slightly more manageable. I appreciate this may not be the case depending on severity of the autism but it should be true up to a high level.

The second thing is that your partner needs to support you too. They aren't currently and that's not ok.

Then could you look at moving? If your partner has a huge commute and your house isn't right and you're not working why do you need to stay there?

I'd suggest right to choose and doing a parental requested ehcp now. Don't dither or budge with either of them. Being proactive and strong willed is a necessity with an autistic toddler. My 6 year old is autistic and I wish I'd done these when he was much younger. Document everything and do lots of research into his needs so your prepared

Is ds2 copying ds1's behaviours, or do you suspect he may be ND?

Aw bless you sounds awful. One of my 3 boys has autism and I know the feeling. Things that helped us are …

Theres a phenomenal amount of info on Facebook / instagram / whatever - the likes of ask Ellie but there are many others. You’re at the start of your journey, you’ll absorb so much info which will guide your parenting.

Diagnosis - I went private in the end and no regrets.

EHCP / DLA / carers allowance / blue badge / access card. They all work to make your life much easier.

Magnesium & melatonin for sleep.

Years 4 - 7 were aweful for me but post 7 I think the fog cleared a little and things have improved since then. Hang on in there! X